in not wanting my parents to keep buying my children things?

[KAEKAE]

My parents don't see my children that much; they don't live too far from us, so no excuse there really. However, when they do visit, they insist on having to give my children a big bag of new toys, clothes and sweets. Now, I may sound ungrateful but it annoys me. I feel they are trying to buy their love with things they don't need.

The last couple of times they've seen them they've bought my 2.5 son chocolate and Haribo, which I hate my son having. He is too young. I don't mind him having the odd treat but taking it upon themselves to open a big bag of Haribo at 10.30 in the morning and giving them to him really pisses my off especially when I've asked them not to buy them. At first I thought well, when they leave I'll just put them away and DS won't have them, however, they now know I do this so open the packet and give him them. In the past I have been known to get into disputes with them about similar issues as they just won't listen to my views re my own children. Am I being unreasonable or should I just lighten up?

A little bit won't do much harm but a lot will. Tell the GPs their generosity is appreciated but please could they reduce the quantity so that the DCs don't get used to it. That way they still get to "treat" their DCs but there will be less of the sweet stuff flying around.

As others have suggested, could you also suggest other ways they can "treat" their GCs? Activities you don't do with them, for example? Food you don't make?

My PiL are awful spoliers, black sacks full of gifts at every visit. So have moved on to asking them to contribute to activities - swimming classes etc. So now we get sacks full of gifts AND classes!

This has just happened to me, and I've had a completely unreasonable shouting match with my mother over it! I had just spent most of sunday overwhelmed with DS's old toys and decided to have a cull, just to keep the front room under some semblance of order- this involved getting rid of some stuff I had kept for sentimental reasons, like the teddies he had when he was a baby etc just because we had no room. Today, my mum turns up, a week after I told her not to buy any presents until christmas with tons of toys she had bought from the church jumble sale! They were all boxed, but some stuff had been used. I got really upset in front of my DS because it had been hard to chuck some of his things away and now it feels as if it was for no purpose because my house is full of c**p again! I've tried not taking the stuff home, so her house is full of it instead of mine, but she always guilt trips me into taking it in the end. I had to go round Sainsburys to calm down ( which I have) and come up with a plan ( car boot!) but I know how you feel!

I just wish my mum would buy clothes that can be worn not Disney crap dress up stuff. Of course that doesn't get her brownie points with DD so we don't get useful pressies - just rubbish.

´What´s wrong with dressing up clothes?

Nothing wrong with dressing up per se. However she's got loads already and tbh I can't see the point of spending up to £40 on dressing up clothes - that are not even washable ffs!

If its every week then that is one thing, but if only once a month I would probably let it go. Your parents are not really treating you with respect so this is really about your relationship with them much more than their relationship with their grandchildren imo.

yabu and a bit ungreatful i think
i like buying things for my dc, i can imagine as a grandparent i would like buying things for my gdc and it can be hurtful telling them not to get them presents, as you said they dont see often its not as if they drop by daily with a present so its not ott. the sweets i can understand, so better just address that issue rather than complain about the sweets and make it like dont buy anything for them at all, as you wil come across quite U?

I wouldn't worry.

Its not going to kill him, and if you think this is bad wait till he starts school and comes out with a packet of sweets every other night.Or the birthday parties that are fruit shoot central.

I tried at first to delay sweets, but gave up as every one insists on buying sweets. However I dont buy sweets as they get enough elsewhere. They still eat fruit and veg.

Oh I totally know how you feel OP, we get this from various family members and I blardy hate it. With mine it's not so much sweets (though that as well) but more the endless presents and what really bugs me is that they are crap - poor-quality, shoddy tat that we don't need and that invariably doesn't work, breaks or I can't let DS keep it because it's actually dangerous (eg shite from some market stall from a foreign holiday with wires sticking out etc). My mum and sister have even bought already broken crap from charity shops to give to DS - aaaarrgggh!

It takes up space, it upsets DS when it's rubbish and doesn't work, and worst of all when he gets given a lot of stuff he gets horribly entitled and starts expecting it. We have a clear system where he gets reasonably modest presents at birthdays and christmas, and a pasta jar where he earns pasta pieces for good behaviour and when it's full he gets to choose a toy. So he builds up anticipation and works for the rewards and it's really satisfying for him. I feel like my family undo that. There is a reason it's called "spoiling".

Yes it's ungrateful, but I really do think being excessively generous is actually a bit controlling. It is about trying to mean the most to the child and be in charge of the stuff they have, and like with your parents and the sweets, it's being used to try to put you in your place.

So a big, fat YANBU from me!

LeQueen my sister has even gone out and got DS a different version of something she knows we're getting him - like she's trying to directly compete

And of course the masterstroke of genius, as a form of controlling behaviour, is that you look like an ungrateful party-pooping cowbag if you say you don't like it/try to stop it. Gah.

I looked after my grandson on Sunday...I bought him a comic with plastic tat on it ...and an ice cream ..so shoot me

Usual I would happily swap the mountains of garbage DS gets given for a comic and an ice-cream. That would be fine (though not necessary).

I clearly do it so my grand children love me more then their mother

Well usual a) you aren't being excessively generous in the way that is the subject of this thread, so no one is accusing you of that - and b) just because you may not buy presents for that reason, maybe you can see that some people do?

The op was talking about a packet of sweets..not excessive imo ...but maybe I'm just controlling

It is a control thing for some people. I think if its something thats concerning the parent then they recognise that trait in their own parent, which after reading the comment above I definately do. that doesn't mean all grandparents are controlling, just that some people are, and they use their grandchildren to do it

usual supect - don't take offence. What some of the posters are saying doesn't apply to you obviously. However there are some grandmothers, and my own mother is one, who are clearly using this as a way to control or undermine the parent.

Lots of times, it might not mean this but for some of us, it is just another piece of negative behaviour.

The worst thing for me was our daughter's first Christmas which we spent at my parent's home. My mother made bloody sure she was the first person to give DD a gift. She practically snatched DD out of the cot to push a present in her hands. She then then sat back smugly and said 'well I can always say I gave her her first Xmas present'.

of course not everyone is as mental as my mother. You sound sensible!

(I think I need to go and post on the NPD thread again - don't want to hijack this with my family madnesses!)

we have a similar problem with mil (shes also calle nanny shopaholic). we live very far apart and she doesnt travel so we see her 3-4 times a year. she packs the hugest birtday packets for each of us. the problem with the sweets is solved by a compromise, I take a quick look at what is offered and then ds is allowed to have 1 of what I find suitable. nanny gets the pleasure of giving it to him, ds the pleasure of tasting and I can put the rest away to bin (the icky stuff) or to eat myself for ds to have later

Fifi, I have the opposite problem with clothes to you. My Dad (well, my Stepmum really) buys one nice outfit for my daughter about every 3 or so months and posts it over (they live abroad), and it's always nice to have something she can wear to parties or just for a special dinner or something - it's not horrible dress-up crap, but it'll be a new summer dress or something. And she always buys a size up, so I've got it to look forward to, and it keeps us all feeling in touch.

My MIL, on the other hand, sees her every 3 months (also lives a long way away, would love to see her more often) and every time she does, she brings us a bag of cheap basic clothes. Which would be great - all toddlers need good basic clothes and not much point dressing them in fancy clothes to jump around in wet leaves - but they're really cheap and often hideous, and there's a lot of them, and they're always in her current size even if she's on the verge of growing out of that size. We don't need the clothes, the ones we received last week will last perhaps another month, but what do I do? Ask for a size up? When I a) think it rude to ask for gifts at all and b) don't actually WANT the gifts?

Fancy dress up tat is annoying. Bulk clothes from the local K-Mart when we neither need nor ask for clothes - also annoying.

similar with the clothes, it is alway a lot of them. most of it very good quality and good design. but dc can only wear so much... I sort through them later on my own, and make three piles -1 to wear now - 2 bigger sizes to wear later - 3 charity (more than 10 pair of trousers is just too much)

I never really knew my grandparents and my children's grandparents on one side are both dead, and the others live on a dfferent continent. So I don't quite know what is reasonable grandparental behaviour.

Thanks for your replies. I don't mind my DS having sweets on occasions but I am not keen on Haribo really, not yet as he is not yet even three. I have told my parents this but they just ignore what I say. I don?t push it much now as it will just end up with them shouting and walking out. I do put a few in a bowl, but then they end up giving him more or the whole packet. I've asked them to give him fruit, they laughed! I really do feel it is a control thing with them a lot of the time.

Anyway, yes, clothes I suppose would be welcome, if they were to my taste but they aren't. It's just all such a waste. The toys I don't want, we have hundreds of toys EVERYWHERE, playroom, bedroom, lounge. It's hard enough to keep that under control! The ones they buy are not of good quality or its a duplicate of something he has already. How many more sit on cars does he need? Or really care for? They also love to buy him teddy bears! I've asked them not to buy him yet another teddy he has hundreds, I hate them and he doesn't play with them. But TBH I think they do that on purpose as they love the sheer horror on my face when he opens up another teddy bear present!

I've asked my mother to give vouchers for his birthday so I can put it towards something he actually wants, but again they refuse to do this. It isn't fun for them. I understand it's a grandparent?s prerogative to spoil their grandchildren but sometimes my parents are just too over the top and controlling. The more I ask them not to do something the more they do it. I?ve also suggested the day trip out instead, but no they like seeing him open presents. Makes them feel like the better grandparent.