to think my friend is wrong for feeding her dc baby jars?

[haribomum]

had my df over last night with her 2 dcs and asked them if they wanted to stay for tea. she replied yes and that she had already bought something for her dcs. she then got out of her bag 2 heinz baby jars suitable from 4 months, the really runny pureed type!!! now i would not have a problem with this but her dcs are 3 and 4 years old. she then sat them to the table whilst mine had lasagne and force fed them these jars. it was horrendous. both dc were crying and protesting but she still made them eat it.

ive been thinking this over since last night and a few things are bothering me. she never lets her dcs have any fruit or veg, infact the 4 yr old is allowed to have sandwiches etc but she says she the 3yr old is onloy allowed jars and skips, as they melt in your mouth and chocolate buttons.

this seems crazy to me and im worried about the poor dcs. AIBU for thinking this is wrong and in some way child abuse???

That's dreadful. I would go and speak to HV and she what she thinks - ie whether to approach SS.

Not eating lumps etc could affect speech. My DS1 had a serious gag reflex and so ended up on purees until around 15 months as he gagged on lumps and ended up puking the whole lot up whenever he ate anything not totally smooth. We did get round it (getting him used to lumps at start of meal when he had empty tummy), and by 18 months was eating normally. My sister is a speech therapist and was very uncomfortable with him only eating purees at 15 months.

I personally would have said "why are you giving them baby food when they are not babies". I don't have a problem with the formula per se, but the purees?

Not sure what the NSPCC can or will do really. A HV, as have others who have or are working in this field have both/all said, contact her or A HV.

Surely thats the best thing you can do for all concerned? She can and will then receive the correct support and advice.

I genuinely can't see what else you can do.

Apart from anything else, it must be costing her a bloody fortune! Jars of baby food and formula for 2 children for the last 4 years? Oh, that or crisps and yoghurts. She surely has issues with choking, surely? I can't see any other reason for it. Yes, theres the argument of " not knowing how to wean or what to feed them" simple answer, you find out from a book if your not sure as a parent, or ask someone, or feed them what you eat - even if pureed...

Just call her/your HV ask for proper advice. Then you can rest easy knowing you have done the right thing for her children, and possibly her too.

If you are for real (and I have my doubts) then you need right on the phone to social services and NSPCC, why on earth would you not, poor children!

slouchingtowardwaitrose - if the op encourages the mum to seek advice from anyhwere then she is in your words ' shopping her to the authorities'. any professional working with children will use the child concren model and be obliged to report to ss anyhting untoward and also most professionals with children can start the ball rolling on a CAF assessment - teacher/hv/mw etc etc. there is really no way to circumvent ss - as it should be

also, will all due respect what you are suggesting is that the op is able to make an assessment as to whether intervention is necessary. the op is not qualified (litte q and big Q) to make that assessment - clearly she feels that way hence the post on here! i think this is particualry important since the op has suggested that this mum has little contact with the outside world (no nursery and hiding eating habits) so if the op gets this course of action wrong is anyone else witnessing her behavour - thinking not.

tbh it concerns me that on these threads there are option pleas of 'oh anything but ss' plus reluctance to having the 'i shopped them to ss' on ones shoulders. surely the welfare of the child is more important??

i would guess that the mum has some serious psychological issues around food and feeding her children which cannot be fixed overnight plus the fact that i don't think she will accept intervention with open arms.

having said all that i dont think phoning the dad is a bad idea but pick your moment when you think she might not be around. she may have convinced him over the years that she is right/rational about the feeding and like a lot of men he prob just lets her get on with it - eh prob needs to have it explained that these feeding methods are not the norm.

macdoodle why would i make up such a bizarre topic? just wish people could see this for what it is. i didnt post on here to have people say im lying.

my friend has had a really hard life and has recently changed her life around. i am not sure if this comes into it but she was on heroin at one point when pregnant with dc1. she had social services involved and they were putting a lot of pressure on her to perform as a parent. her dc1 had to be weighed weekly and i think maybe she got the impression if she did not meet her target weights they would take her away. she would always get stressed out if her dc1 would refuse a bottle ect. but this was many years ago and her life is not totally changed. but this is why i think a hv getting involved might add to her pressure.

giddypickle she feeds them fromage frais and choc mousse they have to be kept in the fridge! also giddy i think a child would react badly to a jar if they saw my dcs eating proper food and feeding themselves!! i am pretty sure a child would react and want to feed themselves etc.

lovely she was feeding them with the spoon, not them feeding themselves!

This has made me so sad. I honestly don't think I could have witnessed what you did without saying something (a lot, actually, and very angrily, probably) but I would definitely have been on the phone to the appropriate authority as soon as she left my house, regardless of friendship or the 'pressure' getting social services involved would cause. This is a woman who took heroin whilst pregnant ffs, and it wasn't 'many years ago', either, if her eldest is four. She sounds like someone completely obsessed with her own issues and, whatever the reasons for that are, she should not be allowed to continue to damage these poor children. They, most importantly, need help, but clearly, so does she. However, she is an adult and free to make her own choices/mistakes, her poor children aren't. I feel so upset for them trying to take the food out of their mouths and crying 'no mummy', I want to punch her, and I don't know her and have never hurt a fly, I don't even know if I could punch someone, I'd probably break all my fingers, but you get the gist of how upset I feel for her children. You have to do something for them OP.

haribomum, there comes a point when you have to do what is right for the children, even if it means she will be angry. I would insist on talking to her about this, and ask some questions. When will she allow them to eat normal food? Does she herself eat normally? Does she cook meals and give them baby food? Can you rent that super nanny episode and watch it with her?

giddypickle, yes I am a practising HV in answer to your query. I would obviously talk to the mother and find out all about the situation before contacting other agencies.

But I would still say that this is neglect and abuse. How would you feel if you were being forcibly fed to the point you were crying? Would you say you were being abused ?

haribo, it sounds as though you have been there for your friend through some rough times,I thought there may have been quite a history behind this, but she really needs extra support now for the sake of the children.
Please contact someone. Good luck.

YANBU. Those poor kids. Why would anyone do that?

She took heroin whilst PG? So it seems she is still feeding them substances they don't want.

Those poor poor little children. I genuinely don't see how you can just sit by and watch this happen.

She hasn't "turned her life around" all that much from what you say.

if she feels this is acceptable behaviour (as it is in front of others) what might she be doing behaind closed doors? Please contact Social Services

sorry but I just don`t believe this story.

sevenkeys - calm down. lots of people with substance misuse histories go on to be good parents and this isnt an unacheivable goal. also i doubt she is 'obsessed with her own issues' (as in not the children) her issue atm it would seem is worrying like mad that her chil;dren will be accomodated.

her dc will have been 'children in need' and the very least in the past if not the subject of a child protection plan under which she will have had to conform to specific expectations of parenting until a time where her panel have rulec that her dcs are no longer at risk. i would estimate that this was some time ago and that no professional has seen the dcs lately. this is a risk when parents do not engage with a nursery or children centre etc.

whichever way you look at it this lady does need to be reassessed and at the v least linked in with a service who will rengage with her and work through a few issues because i reckon they extend beyond the baby jars.

i think it sounds as if this lady has developed a distorted perception of what the expectations of her as a parent are and that this is affecting her dc quite seriously at the momnent.

i'm afraid, op that this does need to be reported so that her case file can be reopened and that its not so much if but when.

try to to feel anguish at doing this - it would be the right thing to do for the children. it may be that this lady has felt overwhelemed/confused/unsupported for some time

haribo - thanks for updating.

I don't understand why she won't let them eat fruit - it still has calories? unless it's the hygiene thing.

what is the DCs weight like? skinny, chubby?

also the heroin thing... if SS were involved, when did they close her file as they thought she was coping? (they must've closed it or surely they'd have picked up on the food issue?)

she wont let them have fruit as she would rather they heve choc or fromage frais etc as it has more fat than fruit and fruit is filling them up without them getting any fat.

the response this has redcieved on here has helped to show me how wrong my friend is in many ways. when u have known someone for a long time you kind of get sucked in, if that makes sense.

dc1 is quite frail and really white, age 4
dc 2 is quite chubby and white aswell, age 3

they closed her file as this is a lady who knows how to work ss and tell them what they want to hear. she sees them as the enemy and wwould say or do anything to keep them happy, which most of the time included lying.

she once told me that she had to provide ss with a report of what dc1 had eaten over a week when she was about 8 months, as they were concerned as ahe was orange. she went on to the internet and copied down popular baby recipes and snacks and gave them that!!

i think giddypickle really hits the nail on the head! this is exactly what it is.

and to anyone who thinks this is a joke and made up, you would only have to spend a day with my friend and her poor dcs to see that it really is not. its very harsh reality.

sorry to have doubted your OP, haribo. I'm sure you can understand though, it's just because the situation is so bizarre

that's such a bad sign that she was able to fob off the SS last time. do you think she'd be able to do that again?

thats ok maths. i can see that it seems really odd! just to her dc this is their normality.

yes i do think she will probably do it again! i am sure of it. when i asked her why she doesnt just let her dcs try some food (as they really wanted to) she replied no they wont eat it and then i cant let them starve.

this is one really messed up mum

whatever you choose to do, if you're phoning SS or whatever, you need to make it very clear to them that she has been involved before and was managing to fob them off. use that example of finding internet recipes.

it'll still be only your word against hers (not that they'd tell her you said it obviously!) but hopefully they'd take your words seriously and be more aware of lying.

So what are you going to do haribomum?

Disgraceful imho.

Everyone should at least know the basics of what their dcs need to eat!

Agree with MathsMadMummy here. SS or the HV (one or both of whom you need to call) should be told everything you know. This is not ratting on someone -- the children could not be healthy, physically or developmentally, with this mother. They may thank you in years to come.

Do they ever see a doctor? Does this mother avoid taking them to the doctor for sickness?