to think my friend is wrong for feeding her dc baby jars?

[haribomum]

had my df over last night with her 2 dcs and asked them if they wanted to stay for tea. she replied yes and that she had already bought something for her dcs. she then got out of her bag 2 heinz baby jars suitable from 4 months, the really runny pureed type!!! now i would not have a problem with this but her dcs are 3 and 4 years old. she then sat them to the table whilst mine had lasagne and force fed them these jars. it was horrendous. both dc were crying and protesting but she still made them eat it.

ive been thinking this over since last night and a few things are bothering me. she never lets her dcs have any fruit or veg, infact the 4 yr old is allowed to have sandwiches etc but she says she the 3yr old is onloy allowed jars and skips, as they melt in your mouth and chocolate buttons.

this seems crazy to me and im worried about the poor dcs. AIBU for thinking this is wrong and in some way child abuse???

oh I think that one is on 4 on demand I'll have a look. is that the one where the parents are both neuroscientists or something?

wow. I knew that far too quickly

is this it?

I'd forgotten about the force-feeding thing actually, I might watch it again some time.

Yes that's the one!

dixie that is the show i was thinkiig of too when i read this thread.

I cant stop thinking about this, its truely distressing, you've had loads of advise and ideas on here, please tell us what you are ging to do to help these poor children

haribomum - are you a Navy family as well?
NPFS may be a point of call (if you are a Navy family, or even if you are not as this involves a Navy family). Your contact with them is confidential. They provide a social work service for military personnel.

SAFFA also has a support line for military personnel. From UK: 0800 731 4880 SAFFA can signpost you towards appropriate sources of support for this family... be that military or civilian.

she looked really orange aswell poor mite.
When was that... now or in the past? Orange/yellow skin may indicate problems with the liver (other things can also cause it). NetDoctor: Jaundice It may be down to the jars containing a lot of carrot. It should be checked though to confirm the underlying cause.

yes the orange-ness is something to do with having too much vitamin A I think?

good info about the NPFS/SAFFA.

OP hope you return soon!

What happened to make us think that as fellow humans, mothers, we can't help someone without involving the government?

Please don't call SS or the HV either. First, get yourself invited round for a meal, invite her out to a cafe, and see what happens. If she feeds them jars again, ask her about it.

And...sorry if this sounds mean, but...are you sure it's not because she was afraid for her children to eat your food?

You say she doesn't allow them to eat fruit - are you sure the issue is not allowing them to eat unwashed fruit straight from the shop punnet?

Are you sure she didn't think your food was not cooked or handled properly from a hygiene perspective?

Maybe she is wondering whether to start a thread about a 'friend' whose house/kitchen is so filthy she didn't want her children to eat there, and how anxious she was that her children wouldn't eat the jars she bought on the way in case you asked her to stay for tea...that she nearly force fed them in mortification!

Did she eat your food?

This isn't an accusation, just...things aren't always what they seem.

And agents of the government are not the only way to help a parent who is struggling...

wow

Even if that was indeed the case, it's still not ok IMO - surely you'd pack a normal lunch for them?

As an Hv i'm not sure about being labelled as an "agent of the government " !
Im not surprised at the OP,sadly there are many parents who i have worked with who are completely clueless about feeding their children.Yes and including a woman who tried to puree a big mac, honestly.
Thats why with a caseload of over 500 families in an inner city area families with healthy children are no longer getting the same service of 10 years ago.Most of my time is spent trying to alter abusive and neglectful practices,just cant get to see all families.
I would definatly advise contacting an HV in the area who will target these children. I wonder what else is going on behind closed doors to them?

Jaffacake If the children have in fact eaten only pureed jar foods and are looking orange is there any chance that they could have damaged the children's digestive tract. Meaning just getting her to feed them normal food could be dangerous or bad for their health. Just wondered as I know malnourished children have to be fed very carefully to avoid doing them harm.

Yes,they would be malnourished,anaemic due to lack of iron and may have rickets from lack of calcium and vit d. I have come across alot of anaemic children. Rickets was thought to have died out when there was less extreme childhood poverty,but now is not rare but due to ignorance.
These children are suffering emotionally and physically.

Thanks for answering I love my hv if it helps and she is first port of call if I have any problems .

I am not criticizing HVs by any means, but Jaffa, you are an agent of the government, as the government pays your salary and you have a statutory duty to dole out the official advice decided by the government, etc. Sadly they do not issue you with surveillance equipment, but who needs it when you have 'friends.'

Did I miss OP saying the children are indeed orange? Then that's fucked up.

All I'm saying is please get more info before you do anything, and consider whether there are other ways she could learn and get support before shopping her to the authorities.

Do you not realise that some children need "shopping to the authorities" ? How long would you want to leave these kids to suffer? And being nutritionally neglected and force fed is suffering,this will cause them pain to their bodies.
I may be paid by the govt but I work closely with all other agencies to try to improve childrens lives. This is not some draconian system,it really does work. There are just over 3 million children in this country on child protection plans working with parents to try to improve parenting,not to remove them if possible.

I think you need to talk seriously to your friend about your concerns. Force feeding is abuse in my eyes and, if you feel talking to her does not have any impact, I think a call to social care is appropriate.

I think OCD is certainly a possibility. But does that actually mean that the mother and children do not need help? Surely if your life is dictated by your mother's OCD to the extent where you cannot have ordinary playdates/be fed by other people at age 4, then you do need help before you get to an age where it is really going to be noticeable?

The difficulty would be how to do it without upsetting the mother.

I said for her to find out more first, that's all. If, in fact, they are not malnourished and orange. I'm part of the system too, Jaffa. I'm not an idiot or a conspiracy theorist. I have to fill out lots of forms that lead to lots of hurt for families. The fact is, though, people helped each other before there was a system, they help each other outside of the current system, and they will continue to help each other as long as humanity doesn't stop trusting non-experts without authority completely.

Maybe she knows about your cooking

Why are you worrying about upsetting the mother when these small children are suffering ?
She may have all sorts of problems mental health,ocd,or just unable to cope at any level with her children.
The children are the vulnerable ones as they are being neglected and abused.

Those poor poor children they are going to grow up so messed up about food, craving proper food IF they even get to adulthood

I would have no hesitation in contacting the HV to tell her what I witnessed. Who else is going to stand up for these children?

Look - if this is true - you need to speak to your friend first - yes she snapped earlier but was probably stressed by whole situation - try and get her on her own away from kids and say something like ' I know how much you love your kids but what I saw the other day really concerned me because...' - she will get upset but I think you just need to absorb the fall out and know you are doing the right thing for the kids.

I must add that I have a friend whose cooking is so outrageously bad, disgusting, and poisonous that she now thinks I have an eating disorder! I wonder how she would interpret it:

I always refuse food at her house!

Even at the park, I don't accept offered food!

I don't let my children eat food! Even fruit she has just bought!

One of my children is very thin! Must be starving.

One of my children is very fat! Must be the biscuits I give them for distraction in a panic, instead of letting them eat offered 3 day old rice salad that has been sitting in a hot bag all day!

OMG!

Slouching, you rea missing the point completely

Am I? She is worried about these children, who may or may not be regularly force-fed baby purees, which would be appalling. She has asked for advice about next steps. My advice is, she could be misunderstanding the situation, so first gather evidence and talk to the mother. If mum is indeed feeding them puree regularly, and worse, by force, then yes, take some kind of action. This could be nothing, because it is a misunderstanding, or something, including educating the mother, supporting her to seek appropriate professional advice or help, or indeed reporting her to the HV or SS. How is that missing the point?