to think my friend is wrong for feeding her dc baby jars?

[haribomum]

had my df over last night with her 2 dcs and asked them if they wanted to stay for tea. she replied yes and that she had already bought something for her dcs. she then got out of her bag 2 heinz baby jars suitable from 4 months, the really runny pureed type!!! now i would not have a problem with this but her dcs are 3 and 4 years old. she then sat them to the table whilst mine had lasagne and force fed them these jars. it was horrendous. both dc were crying and protesting but she still made them eat it.

ive been thinking this over since last night and a few things are bothering me. she never lets her dcs have any fruit or veg, infact the 4 yr old is allowed to have sandwiches etc but she says she the 3yr old is onloy allowed jars and skips, as they melt in your mouth and chocolate buttons.

this seems crazy to me and im worried about the poor dcs. AIBU for thinking this is wrong and in some way child abuse???

maybe i could speak to the dcs dad?? he works away in the navy alot but is home now. or do you think the hv is the best route? im just worried!

I would try speaking to the DC`s dad and see if you get anywhere with that, if not then the HV

I'm guessing the biscuit is because, as is so often seen on here, the mother's right not to be criticised over-rides any natural concern for the children's wellbeing.

Poor children - that scene sounds really distressing. It could well be that one of the children had a distressing choking incident, but continue to feed pureed food well into childhood is not the answer.

thanks mumoffourgirls think i will give him a ring in a bit! just dont want to sound like i am slagging off his partner! i am just worried and think she needs some support tbh.

Presumably eldest dc going to start school soon, how are they going to cope?

And no one else in her life thinks it's odd -hb/dp? grandparents? nursery?

Am surprised on such a liquid diet that they could be toilet trained.

Being an interfering sort I'd talk to her directly since she must know it isn't normal and, if blanked, talk to my HV. At some point she is going to come to the notice of health care profs, if not already, but better sooner rather than later.

*continuing

her lo dont go to nursery and her dc aged 4 is not starting school until 5. dont know if anyone else knows tbh

OMG there was me expecting a thread about jars being no good for babies and OP being called a food snob... but yikes. 3 and 4? Seriously?! It sounds so made up (sorry)

If it's to do with a choking risk, that'd class as a proper phobia rather than a normal fear, I reckon - because a phobia gets in the way of everyday life i.e. feeding your kids proper food! The mum would benefit from some kind of therapy IMO!

Did this continue beyond first stage weaning because they were fussy? I'd thought maybe she brought the jars because they'd refuse the lasagne? I don't know, clutching at straws here

Poor, poor children. The whole scenario of being force fed baby food from jars while there are children opposite watching and eating normal food is awful. The 4 year old at least, must have been so embarrassed. The mother sounds like she has a screw loose to me.

Yes, I think talking to the father and, if you get no joy, to the HV is definitely the way to go. A balanced diet is so, so important at this age, goodness knows what health problems those children will get when they're older because of this.

Please do talk to the father. And if you don't get anywhere with him, you do need to go to the HV. Do you have the same one?

You have to do something about this. At the age of 1 this would be fine, at the age of 4, NO. Totally troubling to read that actually. Please talk to her first, don't be put off if she has a defensive attitude and tell her it is so inappropriate that you are concerned for her children's health and feel you have no option but to inform someone. HV or even GP. It has to stop.

I wouldn't speak to their father to be honest. He must see them eat when he is home and so is aware of the situation. He hasn't been away with the navy for 4 years! Doing so will only mean that she will know it was you that told the HV. And then she will ostricise you at the time when she needs the support of her friends. If the HV does get involved she is going to feel vulnerable and fragile.

I speak as someone who is absolutely crap at knowing what to feed my kids - I was obese for most of my life and don't naturally or instinctively know what to do re healthy eating, but a good friend of mine came over when DD was about 6 months and very non-judgementally taught me to make a couple of simple meals for DD1. I'm not saying my kids diet is perfect, it certainly isn't, but she reinforces the importance of it everytime I see her and whilst I sometimes feel abit embarrassed or squirmy, I do appreciate her input. I didn't have anyone else to show me! Still working on getting the whole family eating healthily, but a large part of succeeding in this is having supportive people around and she will need you.

The force feeding thing sounds so abusive, its turned my stomach, i couldnt care less what my friend thought of my id tell the world to ensure those poor children were being looked after properly. Shes not right in the head, how could any mother sit there and force feed their child like that for starters, then theres the obvious issues with the crap shes feeding them. How can put your friendship above their needs! Those poor kids

I think you owe it to her and the children to intervene. If this is happening she is probably doing it because in her mind she is 'saving' them - possibly from choking to death?

If she has a mental health problem, or possibly PND that has left her with a problem - she needs help and support. She is not doing it to abuse the kids, she is doing it because she loves them so much and she's afraid. Possibly she knows it's wrong but if she tries to, or even thinks about, giving them other things, maybe her anxiety levels go through the roof.

It's all speculation of course, but you have to help her.

She won't thank you for it in the short term. But you can't stand by and watch people suffer when the balance of their mind is disturbed and you know that in their true and clear state of mind they would not act in the way that they are.

I can't imagine a friend doing this in my house and me not making a comment like "why are you feeding them baby food when they are 4 and 5" and "why won't you eat my food, what's wrong with it, if I had dinner in your house I'd encourage my kids to eat what you had cooked" (I feel if you eat in someone else's house they get to choose the menu unless small baby).
Being a friend means telling your friends when they are behaving nuttily and dangerously.

good call on the OCD idea, that may be right. does she have other issues, handwashing, superstitions etc?

either way, it doesn't sound abusive, it sounds like she is so scared for their welfare. but mental illness or no, she desperately needs help. nutritionist/dietician maybe?

can you invite her over specifically for a meal, and see how she reacts? maybe get some pizza bases and toppings and invite them round for a pizza-making party? if the kids even know what pizza is

thats horrendous. my six-month-old is getting fed up of purees!!!

this melty-pureed-squishy diet isn't only totally inappropriate for 3 and 4 year-olds in terms of health, not getting enough to chew on will affect language development as well.

the muscles needed for speech are strengthened by chewing/ swallowing.

do either of them have trouble with speech?

(iv got a degree, im not just being dramatic )

I don't know mathsmadmummy, I think if the children are scooping the food out of their mouths and crying 'no mummy, no' then that sounds pretty abusive to me. I'm guessing most mealtimes must be like this, which is a lot of fear and unhappiness about eating.

It is obviously difficult to put oneself in someone else's position, but I can't imagine anyone I have known for 4 years doing this in front of me, and me not saying, 'What the fuck are you doing to your children!'

Haribomum, a very distressing situation for all, but especially for her children. Not just the jars but the formula also.

Please, please promise you will get a HV or GP to follow up on it.

I would phone the hv I think she obviously has some serios issues surrounding I am not sure if it is food, or not letting them grow up (hence the formula milk) but it does not really matter she needs help.

I wouldn't speak to her dp he likely knows and either agrees or knows nothing of baby weaning I mean she must feed them when he is on leave.

Do you have a local children centre near you, could you go together, at snack time the children would be able to help themselves to a healthy snack. I'm just thinking it would be hard for her to say no to the children in public and she wouldn't be able to feed jars in public.
At the same time you could ask an outreach worker for advice.
You need to get the children and mum some help.
Before long it will be brought to the attention of playgroup/schools and it will be taken out of her hands.

It's unfortunate that's it has fallen on you to intervene but you realise you have to do something. I'm not sure if it's a good idea to go to the husband, unless you know him very well it's going to look like you're slagging her off behind her back instead of trying to help. If it is a mental health issue that's only going to make it worse.

You could ring her or arrange a coffee without the children and tell her how much it disturbed and upset you and that you know other people would be disturbed by it. See how she reacts then - if she opens up you could give her all kinds of contacts - HV, Mental Health etc - to help her. At least you are giving her the chance to admit to herself that she needs help.

If she reacts defensively again I think you will have to talk to hv/ss about it.

perhaps a general chat about the stresses and strains of everyday life with kids? must be hard with DH away etc? maybe if you start off with the chat not being about food you won't get her back up.