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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my friend is wrong for feeding her dc baby jars?

152 replies

haribomum · 26/06/2010 09:11

had my df over last night with her 2 dcs and asked them if they wanted to stay for tea. she replied yes and that she had already bought something for her dcs. she then got out of her bag 2 heinz baby jars suitable from 4 months, the really runny pureed type!!! now i would not have a problem with this but her dcs are 3 and 4 years old. she then sat them to the table whilst mine had lasagne and force fed them these jars. it was horrendous. both dc were crying and protesting but she still made them eat it.

ive been thinking this over since last night and a few things are bothering me. she never lets her dcs have any fruit or veg, infact the 4 yr old is allowed to have sandwiches etc but she says she the 3yr old is onloy allowed jars and skips, as they melt in your mouth and chocolate buttons.

this seems crazy to me and im worried about the poor dcs. AIBU for thinking this is wrong and in some way child abuse???

OP posts:
Hazeyjane · 26/06/2010 19:35

"The fact is, though, people helped each other before there was a system, they help each other outside of the current system, and they will continue to help each other..."

The point is though, that there doesn't seem to be anyone helping these children, if the mum will sit and force feed them in front of someone, and that person doesn't even intervene, then who the hell will do something to help.

It is not so much about 'shopping someone', but talking to people who maybe could help these children.

slouchingtowardswaitrose · 26/06/2010 19:38

Hazey, I think you are missing MY point. There are other people who maybe could help these children, besides social services or the health visitor. And I am not saying NOT to involve SS or the HV, just that they aren't always the only or the best option. There are other methods of intervention.

lovechoc · 26/06/2010 19:39

I have a nephew who only eats jars of baby food too - I feel really sorry for him because he's never tasted a proper meal in his life

OP it's hard but interfering won't do you any good whatsoever - let your friend parent her own way as much as it pains you to see her feed her children these silly jars of food.

lovechoc · 26/06/2010 19:42

oh and nephew is nearly 3.6yo.

mathanxiety · 26/06/2010 19:46

I think Riven is right -- HV and social services involvement would be appropriate here.

Is the family a bit isolated? You mention the older child will not be going to nursery but starting school at 5.

SixtyFootDoll · 26/06/2010 19:50

Thisis child neglect ( I have worked in child protection)
Mum is failing to meet her childrens needs - physically and in the process causing emotional harm.
The OP tried to offer advice and the Mum couldnt see what was wrong.
Its not about 'shopping'the Mum, it's about getting the children the help they deserve and need.
OP may loose a friend, but these children are more important.

edam · 26/06/2010 20:04

I know a little knowledge is a dangerous thing but I had to do a very basic introduction to safeguarding course at ds's school and they were VERY firm about NOT investigating yourself. If you have real concerns about the welfare of child, you inform the designated person who will take appropriate action. Trying to turn detective yourself could put children in more danger.

Obviously these children aren't in school, so the appropriate person would be the HV or social services.

A referral to social services must be unpleasant and distressing but the OP witnessed something that cannot be ignored.

haribomum, if you can't face calling SS or the HV, please do call the NSPCC or childline for advice.

blackberryway · 26/06/2010 20:05

lovechoc - why does your nephew only eat baby food and is the HV involved with his parents?

lovechoc · 26/06/2010 20:20

HV is involved - he can't talk yet (not able to say any words at all) either which MIL is even more worried about. He is under the radar now which is at least something. Apparently he won't eat anything else but they obviously aren't trying hard enough to offer a huge variety of foods so - anything for the 'easy life' - he is just give jars of mashed baby food. MIL afraid to say anything either. Whole host of other problems too - their 4.6yo is still in nappies because they haven't even tried to potty train him.

MollieO · 26/06/2010 20:22

slouching - the OP's friend didn't want to listen to what the OP said so whom would you suggest? The thing about someone in authority, such as a HV, is they can sometimes get through to people who have no interest in listening to well meaning friends. Even if you think feeding a 4 yr old with baby food is acceptable how can you think that giving them formula is too?

Most HVs are able to give a gentle steer to parents who need support without being heavy handed.

FourArms · 26/06/2010 20:25

My DS2 really loves a particular jar of baby food. Hipp Organic spaghetti bolognese. He probably eats about 4 jars a month, and I see them as a healthy alternative when I need something quick and easy to feed him. However, he does have a balanced diet, of which these are just a part. Don't think I'm doing him any major harm.

However, he didn't eat any solids until past 12m due to severe reflux, and we did have some problems weaning him. Apparently if you 'miss' the age at which they are receptive to moving on from purees to solids then it is much harder to do so later. I did miss this period with both of mine (with DS1 it was due to him having food intolerances which we hadn't quite pinned down, so I made a lot of his food, and probably over pureed it for too long), and they are still quite difficult eaters now.

Therefore I'd say that even if this mum could sort this out by herself, that she may require specialist intervention to guide her on the transition.

blackberryway · 26/06/2010 20:30

Sounds a sad situation lovechoc. Slightly different from this one where it seems the mother is forcing them to eat the baby food against their will. There might be other issues we don't know about - we can only go by the OP - but I don't see how intervention by HV could make it any worse.

As I said earlier, surely it would be better to start dealing with it now than wait until the older child starts school when the issues will be magnified 10-fold.

lovechoc · 26/06/2010 20:34

well that's it really, children get picked on as it is at school without adding to the mix the fact that they can't eat a proper balanced meal. the ridicule would be immense if they were eating jars of baby food in school.

MathsMadMummy · 26/06/2010 20:41

STILL no word from the OP then... hmmm.

but even if OP is made up we know from that Supernanny episode/Lovechoc's posts that it is within the realms of possibility.

would love to know, haribo, what you're going to do.

lovechoc · 26/06/2010 20:47

I personally don't think it's made up but that's only because I know someone in RL who is going through something similar (but not exactly the same as OP mentioned).

I think I remember the Supernanny episode with the two sets of twins actually. Completely clueless couple with no common sense (bit like my relatives, sadly).

Original poster
haribomum · 26/06/2010 22:53

sorry have not replied have had a vv busy day out with my dcs! honestly i can assure everyone this is not made up! tbh i wish it was!

as i said before this is definatly not a one off - she reacted badly to me asking her why her dc1 was still having these jars at 12 to 18months and has avoided meal times since.

she will openly say her dc are not allowed fruit as it wont help them to gain weight. they do eat other things which are skips, white choc buttons, fromage frais and choc mousse and formula and juice.

havent asked her dh about this as i thought surely he must already know and i dont want to offend them. think i might ring the nspcc for advice. just feel so disloyal doing this to a friend

OP posts:
SixtyFootDoll · 26/06/2010 23:00

Hari glad you came back.
You cant ignore it.
Ring NSPCC, they can follow up from there.
I understand she is your friend, but what she is doing is so wrong, physically an emotionally.

edam · 26/06/2010 23:01

Please do ring the NSPCC. If this is all she is feeding her children, it is neglect. Their health and development are being damaged.

Original poster
haribomum · 26/06/2010 23:02

thanks sixty i knew that what she was doing was wrong and could see how it affected my own dcs, but really did not realise just how bad it is untill i read some posts on here.

OP posts:
SixtyFootDoll · 26/06/2010 23:06

Hari
I worked n CP until a month ago, if a referral like you have described came to me, I would be realy concerned.
For th kids first off, but also for Mum. Its not right.

blackberryway · 26/06/2010 23:09

Thanks for updating haribo. I hadn't noticed before what you said about the other foods she allows - skips and buttons could cause choking so I assume it's not a question of her worrying about that.
I think you are being a good friend to be so concerned and to want to help her dc who are very vulnerable. Others might have just avoided her as a 'weirdo'. If you at least just get some advice on it that will be a start - good luck.

BikeRunSki · 26/06/2010 23:12

Hari

OMG! What analrming situation. Please ring NSPCC.

mamatomany · 26/06/2010 23:16

My sister ate nothing but jars of baby food until she was 6 years old and she is alive at well at 32.
However this was also D's choice, she simply would not chew food so if you gave her anything lumpy she did choke and then it became a circle of being afraid of choking and indeed choking.
I think there's more to this than meets the eye and I'd assume the health visitor, GP and dentist would pick up on any problems wouldn't you or is she avoiding all of them ?

Original poster
haribomum · 26/06/2010 23:23

sixty do you mean child protection?? i am beginning to loose my patience with her to be honest. although she is always there for me and generally a good friend she is very hard to be around.

lawe took the kids on a break for two days, a while ago. it was pure hell if im honest. she seemed to go out of her way to be difficult. for example purposely sitting on a different table from us in cafes, so her dc would not be able to see what my dc are eating and then refuse to eat.

also she seems very reluctant to discipline them, letting them do as they wish to an extent. but if my dcs were to run on ahead she would tell them off for me!!!

i just sometimes feel as if she thinks its a competition who is the best mum. i just wish she could see that by feeding them this food she is not helping them. she seems to think they will not eat anything else apart from jars. saying she cant let them 'starve'. i dont think she understands weaning actually. it dosnt matter if they dont eat an awful lot, its what they try that counts. and her dcs want to try bless them! but i guess they certainly are older than the weaning age.

OP posts:
lovely74 · 26/06/2010 23:33

The mum really needs help, just the fact that they are allowed Skips "because they melt in the mouth" shows just how much her realilty is skewed. Sadly some people (my mum included) would no have one single clue about what a healthy diet is for themselves or their children, but this is more than this.

OP, I couldn't work out if she was feeding the children, or making them feed themselve the puree. Hopefully the latter.

It's so sad. My DS who is 8 months has no idea what a puree is, and has never been made to eat anything he didn't want. I hope I am teaching him to love real food. He eats more healthily than me!

Talk to the HV, you need a non-threatening professional involved to help this poor mum work through her issues. Good luck.