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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my life is being taken over by my Mother In Law

115 replies

Ecoboo · 24/06/2010 14:39

I have just had my first baby two weeks ago and on the second day the in laws turned up unannounced even after being told we would have a week before allowing visitors. I was really upset after the visit - they stayed for 8 hours and i was left with them while my partner went out. My MIL insisted on holding the baby for hours and i did not realise i needed to wake the baby to breast feed so she went all this time without a feed!( i feel terrible about this). In the end of i was almost delirious with tiredness and was encouraged to 'go and sleep' - which meant i left my baby down stairs and crashed out. I felt really uneasy about this but did not feel i could claim my baby and take her with me.

Anyway - since then, MIL wants to visit all the time. Luckily they live over an hour away but she is looking into a static holiday home 5 mins drive from us. All she wants to do is hold the baby all the time and does not realise that DD becomes unsettled and wants to be close to me at the moment.

DH is not really helping and does not appreciate he needs to keep the boundaries for us as a family at this time.

Now we are being invited for sunday dinner and i realise that this could be my life for next 18 years and i don't like the look of it. I would prefer to be bonding with my baby, sleeping and maybe spending some time with our friends who h babies.

Any ideas? what is a reasonable amount of time to spend with MIL? I was thinking once a month but i don't think i will get this. I am surprised she is being so possessive - it is not like the baby can do much bonding with her at the moment.

Help.

OP posts:
PotPourri · 24/06/2010 14:43

You really need to stand your ground. practice with me....no no no

And get that dh sorted. It's his job to look after you, it's his family so he can say no easier (make sure he doesn't say "ecoboo said....")

If you dont set boundaries now, it will only get worse!!

DrSpechemin · 24/06/2010 14:45

Whatever makes you comfortable is a reasonable time to spend with your MIL. Just say that you can't make it on sunday - you have plans (she doesn't have to know that your plans are to stay in with your baby and spend time as a family)

You need to get a bit more assertive and can use breastfeeding as a way to hold your baby more when mil is around - she's not going to know if your baby is just suckling or having a full feed?

Congrats on your new baby

pleasechange · 24/06/2010 14:46

Just to clarify - did you 2wo baby really go for hours on end in MIL's arms without becoming unsettled or crying out of hunger?

EldritchCleavage · 24/06/2010 14:55

Whatever else you do, please don't seethe in silence: it's terrible for you and it won't get you what you want.

I would suggest a combination of saying no (politely) as things come up, and being pro-active so you take part in arranging ways to see the PIL that you find do-able. Don't let your DH get away with sloping off, either. What on earth was he doing for 8 hours?

You don't need to justify the nos, either. It is enough to say gently that something doesn't suit you. It will get easier once you are more used to your baby as you can get out and about and not be available for MIL so much.

Your DH needs to nip the static caravan idea in the bud, and perhaps tell her straight she can't expect to be with the baby either all the time or whenever she wants.

I am not one for MIL bashing, it's just that some people have little sense of appropriate boundaries or respect for others' feelings and needs, so you have to do all the boundary-making for them.
Good luck!

EldritchCleavage · 24/06/2010 14:57

allnew: mine would have done. He was a mega sleeper and a poor feeder and like Eco I had to learn to wake him regularly for feeds for the first 3-4 weeks.

oldernowiser · 24/06/2010 14:58

It's difficult; MIL possibly feels she's helping by letting you sleep, and also a new grandchild is a huge excitement. She may also not have thought of herself as a 'visitor'. But, at the moment, your needs must come first. Could you encourage regular but short visits and give her practical and helpful things to do? DH could take responsibility for this.

I'm a MIL, with a new GS due in a couple of months. We live in the same village and our 2 other GC (same dad) live with us so the boundaries are quite difficult to work out.

I hope I get the balance right between being around to help, and also enjoying being a grandma and not treading on her toes or interfering. If I get it wrong though I hope they will tell me and I'll try to fit into what they want for their family.

The main thing is communication and DH needs to take a lead in that. How do you get on with her generally?

mountainmonkey · 24/06/2010 15:03

Agree you really do need to take control and say no. If your baby needs feeding say "sorry MIL can I just take DD off you, she needs a feed." Your the childs mother, you know what's best for her and you need to assert your authority.

If you don't want to spend time with ILs just say "sorry we have plans" or explain that you're too tired. Eventually MIL should start to understand where your boundaries are.

piscesmoon · 24/06/2010 15:06

I usually stand up for MIL but you need to get the boundries in place now.
She is a close relative, so once a month seems a bit unfair but you can't have her dropping in whenever she wants and staying for hours. Reach a compromise but you need DH to make a stand.
It sounds as if the relationship wasn't good beforehand. Not letting her see the baby for a week is perhaps causing the problem. If you had made the boundry clear as in -'you can come into hospital, but only for an hour' she wouldn't be so desperate as to take it into her own hands and turn up.
When your DC is older they will be able to stay with MIL without you.
It sounds as if you are both very possessive (if you are a new mother it is understandable). Do get DH to sort it out now or she will take over.

pleasechange · 24/06/2010 15:06

eldritch - guess that's another world to me, DS has never been a sleeper and fed constantly at that age, so it was easy for me to escape!

Blatantly · 24/06/2010 15:08

You seriously wanted them to have to wait a whole week to see their new grandchild?

ShirleyKnot · 24/06/2010 15:11

Lord above. I am honestly dreading my boys getting married and having babies.

oldernowiser · 24/06/2010 15:12

I agree with piscesmoon. I'd have been hurt to be told to stay away for a whole week, but an 8 hour visit is a bit OTT

Whilst you need to place boundaries, bear in mind that in the years to come you will probably be glad of her help and will want your child to have close and loving grandparents, and those relationships start early.

Set boundaries but please don't shut her out unless there is a very good reason

MissAnneElk · 24/06/2010 15:13

If I were you I'd be more pissed off with DH for going out and leaving me to deal with everything. Agree you need to get your DH to knock the caravan idea on the head very quickly. It's easier if you go to visit her because you are more in control of times and can visit for a shorter period. Don't be afraid of being a bit blunt about it and saying you need some time just the three of you together. Thing is Mils can be very useful too and can make great baby sitters later

Hullygully · 24/06/2010 15:14

Be grateful woman. Babysitting aplenty in the future. Don't make it a big deal, just say you're busy when you don't want to see them.

EnglandAllenPoe · 24/06/2010 15:14

there is nothing wrong with saying 'MIl, baby needs a feed now' (if baby is asleep point out you are trying to feed as much as possible during the day so that baby sleeps more at night.) and giving her no choice but to hand the baby to you..and then as you are BF you can take advantage of the fact you want privacy and leave the room. Newborns really do just need to sleep and eat..

my MIl would be just like this if she wsn't a good 5 hour drive away...

sunday dinner - plead exhaustion. it is a 2-hour round trip in a hot car for a woman who only recently gave birth!

EnglandAllenPoe · 24/06/2010 15:17

oh and if you are going to sleep, no reason not to take baby with you to try and fed before you sleep..they can let themselves out if they have stayed even when your DH is out!

be firm.

LoveBeing34 · 24/06/2010 15:23

Please try and understand how excited she must be and how much she loves your baby.

piscesmoon · 24/06/2010 15:24

I think that you don't like the woman anyway! Why would the relationship stop after 18yrs? Whoever marries my DSs gets me for life! My DSs come with grandparents,cousins, aunts etc etc and we are not going to disappear.
When your baby is a bit older I would leave it with DH and go out with MIL on your own and build up a relationship. You can achieve more with friendliness than anything else.
You will need to assert yourself-if the baby needs feeding then say so and do it!
It always seems very unfair to me to not let grandparents see the baby for a week-they are bound to be really excited! Think down the years to your own DC having children and them saying you can't even see them at the start.

runnybottom · 24/06/2010 15:25

You need to grow a spine. Practice here in AIBU!

piscesmoon · 24/06/2010 15:25

A baby can't have too much love!

Lindsay2610 · 24/06/2010 15:30

The only thing I would add is that making a stand now, although it might be difficult, is much better than trying to do it later, and will prevent lots of boundary crossing which is only going to tick you off.

I've asked my mum to wait two weeks before coming (she lives abroad so she would be moving in, not popping over for a cuppa). She didn't speak to me for two months, but is coming round now. Hopefully we won't have to go through that again and she'll respect my decision on the next topic...

piscesmoon · 24/06/2010 15:36

Funnily enough-since my last post-I have had an email from a friend and her DIL had a baby this morning. She is over the moon and emailing everyone she knows!-she is off to visit now with her DD. How sad to have to write-but I can't see him until the end of next week.

ShirleyKnot · 24/06/2010 15:55

I cannot imagine how bad things would have to be to tell the grandparents' of my children to not see them for a week (or a fortnight) My MIL was a right cow - but I would not have prevented her from seeing the babies under any circumstances.

(I understand the whole TOXIC parent bit BTW, but really? Does this MIL sound toxic?)

FortunateHamster · 24/06/2010 16:01

I think you need to make a stand now, and do so by making DH understand that he needs to be here for you.

Am sure OP knows MIL is excited about her grandchild and will be there in the future, but 8 hours on the second day is too much. The new mum needs to feel comfortable bonding with her baby without feeling guilty about it.

Also bear in mind they have seen the baby now - they haven't been stopped seeing it for a week (though I totally understand planning to do that).

Seeing my ILs every weekend would be too much for me too - but then I don't see my own parents that often either. I think it's different when they're close by but when there's travel involved it's never just popping in, it's always hours of entertainment (ime).

ivykaty44 · 24/06/2010 16:02

well in soemways I feel sorry for you and in another way I think you were a right cow...

You banned your childs grandparents from seeing the baby for a week! cruel, come on it is their grandchild and you banned this visit

Make boundaries and set them down nicely.

Explain that buying a static caravan is silly as what happens if you move - they will be left with a static caravan without a use for...

Then set soem visit up and state these visit will not be doen on the same days or weekly but you would like them to bond wiht the grandchild aswell - get over yourself on the uncomfortable side unless you think they will harm the baby on purpose.

MIL visited two hours after dd2 was born at the hospital, then she visited at home a couple of times and I asked her to help me with the ironing - which she did. this set a precidence of visit to see baby and knackered mother meant helping aswell that knackered mother just a little bit