to think my life is being taken over by my Mother In Law

[Ecoboo]

I have just had my first baby two weeks ago and on the second day the in laws turned up unannounced even after being told we would have a week before allowing visitors. I was really upset after the visit - they stayed for 8 hours and i was left with them while my partner went out. My MIL insisted on holding the baby for hours and i did not realise i needed to wake the baby to breast feed so she went all this time without a feed!( i feel terrible about this). In the end of i was almost delirious with tiredness and was encouraged to 'go and sleep' - which meant i left my baby down stairs and crashed out. I felt really uneasy about this but did not feel i could claim my baby and take her with me.

Anyway - since then, MIL wants to visit all the time. Luckily they live over an hour away but she is looking into a static holiday home 5 mins drive from us. All she wants to do is hold the baby all the time and does not realise that DD becomes unsettled and wants to be close to me at the moment.

DH is not really helping and does not appreciate he needs to keep the boundaries for us as a family at this time.

Now we are being invited for sunday dinner and i realise that this could be my life for next 18 years and i don't like the look of it. I would prefer to be bonding with my baby, sleeping and maybe spending some time with our friends who h babies.

Any ideas? what is a reasonable amount of time to spend with MIL? I was thinking once a month but i don't think i will get this. I am surprised she is being so possessive - it is not like the baby can do much bonding with her at the moment.

Help.

I agree with ChunkyPickle, BTW.

Ruffian, sympathy for the hard time you had, but don't use it as justification for picking on new mums,'kay?

And shh, baby's asleep.

bruffin, sorry. Sodding predictive text!

Nobody is talking about preventing gps from seeing their new gc.

It's not a badge of honour how early you let your visitors in you know. It doesn't make you a better parent / relative.

It's all subjective according the to individual need. And, if you've any sense, you'll leave the new parents alone until they're good and ready.

Ecoboo - yanbu. Congratulations.

Pmoon is going to be one of those mils; a total pain with no self-awareness.

Actually piscesmoon is one of the most common sense posters on thiese boards over the years, she'd make a wonderful MIL.

My MIL and my Mum are truely lovely, I couldn't wait to show off the baby to them. They love and adore their grandchildren. We are becoming far too insular nowadays, just when children need as many people in their life that they can feel safe secure and loved with.

For the same reason that I go on holiday without my in laws or parents, for the same reason that when I'm ill I just want to curl up in bed without family looming over me, for the same reason that if I've got a hangover I want to be left alone.

You had visitors, you were happy about that. OP and I wouldn't be.

It's not denying grandparents from seeing their new grandchild, it's asking them to wait until it can be something that everyone is happy with - and grandparents need to grow up and realise that it's not going to kill them to wait a few days if that's what the mother wants.

I would hope that even if I was upset I wouldn't dream of bullying a pregnant/brand new mother to let me see their child. My feelings are not more important than theirs and pressuring someone who's just been through the upheaval is insupportable.

Well not all families are truly lovely Bruffin.

And that is besides the point, lovely or not, it is the OPs perogative to want a little space straight after having a baby.

I was really chewed up when having my first baby. We lived 400 miles away from any family but I coudn't face having a house full in the first week. It was a dilema though as i desperately wanted all our family to see the new baby, but not to be staying with us and interfereing 24/7. If they lived nearby and could pop over for a few hours that would have been perfect. In the end I had an EM Ces and husband had to go straight back to work so help might have been great. It really hurt my mum that she wasn't invited for the birth, and I regret my digging my heels in as she died a few years later. Strangely, with DC2- I was desperate for help so took a complete turn about (actually turned out a disaster). I just hope I have a good relationship with any future DIL's - I have 2 sons and it scares me with some of the DIL things I read.

Do those of you fulminating about the whole "week" thing realise that the MIL ignored that and turned up on the second day for eight hours? Because piscesmoon seems to be saying that the eight hours came about as a consequence of being deprived for a week. She wasn't deprived for a week. She turned up on the second day, and wasn't barred entry, and stayed for eight hours.

OP, really, talk to your husband. It's not on that he went out for the day on your second day as a family (which is probably adding to your feeling that the visit got in the way of your new family time, since I suppose he'd have stayed in if his parents hadn't visited) and left you with his Mum.

And by the way, both in-laws turned up and stayed for eight hours. So two days into being a mum, she's got both in-laws around for a full day. I don't know about you, but when I was newly breastfeeding and bleeding and sore, my FIL wasn't someone I wanted hanging around all day.

You have to set boundaries.
Some MILs have trouble realising that they are no longer the mother of the family. You're the mother now.
They also get very territorial about their sons.
It's all very immature.
A recent world study revealed a suprising result: that the behaviour of the MIL can be a huge contributing factor in PND. Some mothers with PND commit suicide because of the strain.

Grandmothers do not commit suicide when a grandchild has been born.

So the concerns of the grandmother are secondary.

The mother must come first in the post-partum period.

Any grandmother who thinks her needs are more important than the needs of the post-partum mother is being an immature control freak.

Well when I had my DS my MIL turned up on the first day, spent all day every day at the hospital, and moved into my house for a week, inviting all of her friends over on day 5...DH and I were never left alone with our child.
When my DD was born she came to see me before the labour (I was induced) and didn't bloody leave until DD made her appearance, deciding it was ok for her to watch her crown!
Neither of these scenario's were what I wanted, or were what was best for me, but I was of the school of thought that a 'child can't have too much love' and 'grand-parents count', I wanted to be symapthetic to her needs and not cause offence, she's easily offended.
Anyway now DS is 4 and DD is 1 1/2 and we (including my DH) have no relationship with the IL's, it's been that way for 4 months...it's impossible for my kids, has been hard for me, and of course my DH. It is not what we wanted.
Sadly some people will never set boundaries for themselves, and they will push and push and push until you set boundaries for them...if you haven't done that from the start it can be harder for them to take.
SO my advice for you, decide what is best for you and your family, including your DH. Then kindly and compassionately set boundaries. Remember that them wanting to be a part of your children's life is a good thing, but do what is RIGHT for YOU and YOUR FAMILY from the start. I wish I had. x

OK, MIL was a bit mad to turn up uninvited and stay for 8 hours. But it is a tad mean to not even let her get a peek at her DGC for a whole week - maybe if you had arranged a set time, then it might have been a more manageable one hour visit.

Definitely knock the static caravan idea on the head on the basis that you think you might move soon.

But letting her only see her DGC once a month is just plain mean. 12 times a year! Seriously????

She is part of your DCs family, treating her as if she's not isn't going to help the relationship. Everything you described is just the behaviour of an excited GM, have some heart. I used to alternate going to my Mum's and having her at mine every week - and took the opportunity for a bit of me-time, and was very very grateful for it. Then used to have my ILs to stay fo two week stints 3-4 times a year - again, great opps for free babysitting. As a result, my DD has a fantastic relationship with her GPs. Something to be encouraged.

What's your relationship with your own mother like?

Agree that once a month is mean. Once a week would be acceptable and more would be understandable in the first months. But you do have the right to be more assertive when she visits. Take the baby from her to feed. If you want to rest, say so, and you can take your baby to lie down with you if sleeping. I used to say, quite honestly, to my mil that I was anxious and would sleep better if my baby was beside me. Give her a job to do - ask her to sort out the laundry or make a meal while you hold the baby.

I didn't really appreciate my mil's help until ds was a toddler and later when I had dc2 and really needed some help. Don't alienate your mil now - you might be grateful for some respite later.

'Pmoon is going to be one of those mils; a total pain with no self-awareness. '

This is simply not true. I will be no problem at all. I have beeen a parent, I am not a controlling parent, always talking about my baby and my DCs. They are not possessions. I am privileged to have them for a very short time. The older one has now gone. He doesn't come back through duty, he comes because he actually likes us and we get on well! I have had my turn and done it my way- I want to be a fun granny (probably won't get to be one anyway!)and the joy will be in handing them back! I can't imagine arriving and holding a baby for 8hrs! A ten minute cuddle would be fine.

I don't care how DIL does it, but the thing that will upset me is her being controlling. Giving birth is a perfectly normal part of life and shouldn't give you the excuse to be unfeeling about others. If you are finding it all a bit too much you could easily say so and ask them to come for a short time. If they come further, and need to stay longer, get them to be useful and do the ironing-cook the dinner etc. However I very much suspect that the woman who wants to control visitors wants to control her kitchen!

I think that what goes around comes around. I wasn't controlling -and saw the baby as a joy to be celebrated. My parents and ILs were the same and were not intrusive-they helped. I expect to have the same. If you start being controlling from day1 then it is hardly surprising that you have parents and ILs who are the same and one day you might find out what it feels like to be put up with as a duty, rather than a much loved member of the family!

Luckily I don't know anyone in RL who hasn't seen a baby as a joy to be shared.

I think it's tricky. As I think you do need to set boundaries but I would have allowed them to visit at the hospital and then ask for a few days off. I know she turned up when you asked her not to but can I ask how you would have felt if it had been your mum?

I think your DH needs to lay down some rules with them but I do think once a month is a bit mean. It makes it sound like a chore?

How often will you see your family?

Don't think in any way I agree with what she did, I don't and I know it would have been hard for you but she is the child's grandparent and it is lovely that she wants to spend time with you and the baby.

She also probably thinks she's helping by inviting you to dinner?

I should make it clear that I am all for setting boundries-as long as they are kind and fair and you have exactly the same ones for the maternal grandparents.

And I forgot to say 'thank you bruffin'-it was lovely of you to say so.

I feel passionately about MILs, but all my posts are about control-I hate the over control of DCs in general and fear that the woman who needs to keep her own family away for a week is the sort of woman who won't go out at night because they don't trust a babysitter or won't let the 2 yr old stay on their own overnight with granny, or won't let the 7 yr old walk to the shop on their own or the 11 yr old get a bus to town and meet friends on a Saturday morning etc. I may be wrong here but they tend to go together in my experience.
It is overcontrolling to keep visitors away. If you are going to find it overwhelming at home, have them visit in hospital where it is controlled and neutral territory.

Completely agree pisces. I think it is a shame that MIL get such a hard time and people say 'it's different when it's your own mum'.
Don't get me wrong I could murder my MIL at times but that't no different to my own mum and I think how I would feel if my DS has a baby in the future with his wife and I was banned from seeing it for a week and then restricted to once per month. That would break my heart.

Set up some rules and make sure she knows about them. That's what we did, it wasn't easy but it works great now so much so that they take my DS regularly overnight and he loves it and so do they.

Maybe the 8 hr visit could have been avoided if you had said they could visit you in the hospital but only for an hr as you were tired/needed to rest?

If you come back to your thread op maybe you could answer when your parents visited?

Instead of quietly seething maybe you should have just said can i have dd back now i am going to feed her then we are going for a sleep together.

Your inlaws are excited,cut them some slack.

And i also agree that piscesmoon is a very sensible poster who i have nodded agreement with on lots of occasions.

I think you need to discuss this with your husband asd get him to tell his family they are visiting too frequently and for too long.
If they turn up unanounced I would be asking them to leave after a couple of hours and telling them I needed some personal space. If they got upset I would tell them something like "yes this is your grandchild and you are very excited, but I also want to feel free to get on with my life in my house and not have visitors round all the time as I need my personal space and time to bond with my child and relax with no visitors."
I'd be looking at once a week visits for a morning or an afternoon.
To get your own way in life and not seeth inwardly you sometimes have to tell people stuff they don't want to hear.
I'd try getting your husband to get the message through first and tell him you don't want them round if he's not there.

Actually I see ecoboo hasn't responded after the initial post and suspect I've been got by the dreaded T.

The second accolade

I get a bit carried away and say things that I don't really mean, but I can see from MIL's point of view that if she has a DIL who won't let you near in the first euphoric days and sees 18yrs of seeing MIL for a meal an ordeal (and has the expectation that she can end it when the DCs have left home)then she would want to be down in a caravan to be close. It shouldn't come to that.
I didn't find mine easy to start with but I made the effort and they are lovely-I could cry when I think of how kind they have been over the years -and yet it would have been so simple to keep them at arms length and since my DH died when DS was a baby I could easily have severed all contact. DILs have a lot of power-I could have just made excuses not to see them and not to let them have DS overnight etc etc.
Life is too short for all this control-sometimes tragedy hits and people die suddenly (as with my father who died on a perfectly normal day while gardening-with no sign of illness)how sad if they haven't seen the grandchild because the mother needed 24/7 to bond. Cherish parents and PIL while you have them-my father never lived to see his grandchildren-but if he had I wouldn't have been mean enough to make him wait a week because 'he had to understand I had been through an ordeal and my hormones were all over the place'!

I would still love to know whether Ecoboo's own parents came under the ban?

I would still love to know whether Ecoboo's own parents came under the ban?

I doubt we will find out piscesmoon.

I have wrote on here before that my own inlaws dont have a lot to do with our ds but i have never ever stopped them coming to our home.

Are you coming back op?

Still curious as to whether the OPs parents were banned.

OP - Where did DH go? Wny did he leave the house and not cut the visit short?

Did you actually say, I'm tired, I need to feed DC, can you go now?

I agree you need boundries and 8 hours is way over the top but I get the impression you don't like MIL anyway. Are you only intending to see your Grandkids 12 times a year when they come along?