to think my life is being taken over by my Mother In Law

[Ecoboo]

I have just had my first baby two weeks ago and on the second day the in laws turned up unannounced even after being told we would have a week before allowing visitors. I was really upset after the visit - they stayed for 8 hours and i was left with them while my partner went out. My MIL insisted on holding the baby for hours and i did not realise i needed to wake the baby to breast feed so she went all this time without a feed!( i feel terrible about this). In the end of i was almost delirious with tiredness and was encouraged to 'go and sleep' - which meant i left my baby down stairs and crashed out. I felt really uneasy about this but did not feel i could claim my baby and take her with me.

Anyway - since then, MIL wants to visit all the time. Luckily they live over an hour away but she is looking into a static holiday home 5 mins drive from us. All she wants to do is hold the baby all the time and does not realise that DD becomes unsettled and wants to be close to me at the moment.

DH is not really helping and does not appreciate he needs to keep the boundaries for us as a family at this time.

Now we are being invited for sunday dinner and i realise that this could be my life for next 18 years and i don't like the look of it. I would prefer to be bonding with my baby, sleeping and maybe spending some time with our friends who h babies.

Any ideas? what is a reasonable amount of time to spend with MIL? I was thinking once a month but i don't think i will get this. I am surprised she is being so possessive - it is not like the baby can do much bonding with her at the moment.

Help.

Just as a matter of interest Ecoboo-did your parents wait the week before they saw their grandchild?

It came about because OP had no concept that it was unfair to make her wait a week.

NOO....It came about because the MIl in question was utterly insensitive to the situation!

knowing a new mum was worried about getting stressed with too much isiting, wouldn't you show more tact?

No I wouldn't! Being a new mother doesn't allow you to be cruel and insensitive! Treat others as you would like to be treated. One day she will be a MIL and may find out how it feels to be terrifically excited and then never get to see the baby as a new born.

A baby is still a newborn after a week. I think it's incredibly childish to beef about not being around for a sodding week when that week could mean an awful lot for an underconfident mother who is very tired and just wants to rest with her baby.

Hopefully we'll all be mils one day and not expect to be the centre of attention when the gcs are born.

I personally have learned an awful lot about how not to be have to my future dils from my own mil i.e.when a gc is born, do not behave as if it is you have had a baby and give the new mum some space because right now, her feelings are far more important than yours not least because she is in a hormonal maelstrom and the very last thing I want to her feel is suffocated by her mil.

Tell your mil to grow up and calm down, op.

oh lala,,just like my MIL,she hates me and has always wanted to see her son every week,DH says no so she thinks im responisble,a year later our DD is born,she arrived from Asia,jet lagged and came straight to see her GC,,i asked her to come the next sat for dinner coz i wanted to mend the relationship ,she agreed then phoned my hubby to tell him that i didn't need to cook,we had to go out so she could be alone with the baby,which we did,when she is home,she spends all her time holding my baby,and my baby smile all the time,she is three months,so to make my life easier,i do housework instead and let her hold the baby without inturrupting,when i miss my girl,i just walk over and ask nicely if i can feed her,she is breastfeeding,

i don't love her for she makes it difficult to love and there is a race issue involved,but im greatly grateful that she adores my darling baby,its refreshing and now she doesnt focus on me but on DD,and for the first time since i have known her she gave me a compliment,so i think by allowing her time with gc ,she has come to realise im not evil,

however ,you still need to say whats on your mind,i have always said what wa on my mind,in a nice way,but MIL doesn't appreaciate me saying anything that disagrees with her,but she listens anyway,,i do understand you wanting to be with your baby,i only has visitors when my baby was a month,i was just not ready to share her with anyone and hubby agreed,you need your DH's support though in dealing with your MIL,its not your duty to put her straight,,

The key is to have a good relationship with MIL before you even get married. I couldn't wait to show my babies off to parents and PIL. I do however like them! They also are very reAsonable and wouldn't overstay their welcome or hog the baby etc. It does work two ways though and you have to realise they are important.
I have 3 DSs and they come with 2 parents, 3 grandparents, 5 aunts, 5 uncles, 6 cousins-not to mention great aunts etc etc. They have been loved by these people since birth and they love them. We are not going to disappear, so that DIL can add DS to her family and just put up with us as a penance!

They are only at the girlfriend stage but so far I have really liked all the girls, they have been friendly and family conscious and even at the early stages I have been able to spend time with them without my DSs.

Basically OP doesn't like her MIL and there lies the problem.

'you need your DH's support though in dealing with your MIL,its not your duty to put her straight,, '

Duty shouldn't come into it! Relationships are not going to be good if they are based on duty.

I agree vaguely that you should set boundaries. Hopefully your in-laws are nice, reasonable people and will straighten out once the initial excitement wears off and you've tactfully suggested some limits.

BUT HARNESS this good will and energy and use it to your advantage! Do you realize you could possibly go out for coffee or to the gym by yourself in a few months (when you and baby are ready) and these people will be thrilled to babysit for an hour?!? I would LOVE to have my family close so I could leave DD just once a week for an hour or two. . .

Pices - I asked that but no reply. Hope to God that my future DIL doesn't treat me this way or that I won't treat my GC's like my PIL's do.

If the people who wanted hands on grandparents could swap with those who wanted grandparents who kept their distance then everyone would be happy!!

If someone is being obsessive and intrusive, then the relationship really isn't going to be good, regardless of any sense of duty. The op's mil needs to consider her behaviour.

Fwiw, I really don't think dils want their dhs families to disappear - I think they'd just like their in laws to respect preferences and differences.

In laws can't expect to be an absolute integral part of a new family's life. A new family needs privacy and boundaries, not others expectations forced upon them.

Just because you marry into a family doesn't mean you have to do as they want or as they have always done.

If you allow someone to establish what they want in terms of contact and closeness, you often find that they want to see you more and be closer.

If you foist yourself on anyone, they tend to run a mile. And who can blame them?

piscesmoon, chill out, please. The OP has just had a baby and is already feeling pressured by her MIL. She has a reasonable objection to her MIL's actions.

Yes, her MIL is excited about her new GC, but the OP is also excited about her own new child, tired out, emotional, hormonal and learning how to be a mum.

It's about mum and baby at this stage, when the child is a fortnight old, FFS. Not about placing her MIL. Goodness me.

I think we need to know when Ecoboo's own parents saw the baby, and what they did, before we can judge whether she is being unreasonable.

Placating. Darn it.

I just hope that I get DIL like the ones that I know in RL who wouldn't dream of having a week without any visitors.
I only get worked up as having at DSs I will be this 'dreaded' MIL who can't do anything right! MIL threads are split between ones like this one and ones where the grandparents don't take enough interest!

Actually, it can be very different for each person. Family relationships are not all the same and the OP may feel more comfortable with her own mother than having to pull out the stops for her MIL. She may find her ILs' presence more intrusive than that of her own parents. Sounds like a possibility.

I agree with pisces, I can't believe a grandparent was banned from seeing her new grandchild for the first week.

I actually think those posters who feel a week is too long to wait are going to run into real trouble with their future dils because they're obviously already not imposing their own desires and needs onto other people

i.e. It's outrageous I should have to wait. How dare she? She's only given birth. I'm the grandmother. I'm very important, don't you know and I should be able to descend on new parents whenever I want.

You're going to have terrible relations with future dils if you don't observe a little quiet respect for the woman who has just had the most exhausting physical and emotional experience of her life and might need a bit of time alone with her baby and partner.

If she does need a week without visitors, then that's up to her because it's her baby and her life. She might not need as long as that but if you just leave her to let you know, then you'll score big points.

There are no rules in this about how long other relatives wait to meet the new baby. It's not up to you or anyone to decide what is reasonable and that shows arrogance. It depends on what the new parents want and need. The rest of the family are totally secondary. And that, I'm afraid is how it should be because the rest of the family have not gone through the labour and are not new parents and need to back off.

I meant of course, already imposing their own desires onto other people. Not "not".

God, if you're going to rant, get it right, Grim.

Actually, if you read the post, they had planned not to have any visitors for the first week, so it seems like it wasn't personal IYSWIM. The OP, her DH and their new baby need to get to know each other. Some people need more space than others. My cousin came home with us from hospital when we brought DS home and half my family had an impromptu party at our house when he was a week old. But different strokes, eh? The OP was evidently unhappy with how the first week of her child's life went.

X-post. I type slowly but exceeding small .

I can't believe the hard time OP is getting over wanting to have a week to bond and recover with her baby!

It's an incredible upheaval for anyone, and wanting just a week to get used to it isn't at all selfish - and even if it was, then this is surely a time when it's perfectly understandable and family of all people should be supportive of this, even though it upsets them.

In my opinion the MILs need to take a step back and consider who's happiness is more important at that moment - the new family's or their own before denouncing OP as selfish for putting her and her baby first.

"I can't believe the hard time OP is getting over wanting to have a week to bond and recover with her baby!"

Oh come off- why on earth do you need a week of retreat to bond with the baby. The whole idea is ridiculous, everyone is getting far too precious and possesive nowadays.

I spent nearly two months in hospital before DS was born. I came home with a new baby after not seeing my home in weeks and had a terrible birth and was exhausted from weeks in hospital. I could never have denied any of the GP from seeing their new grandchild.
As it was MIL was actually staying with us at the time because she was moving house, so didn't get a chance to have time alone with the baby.

I agree. Good luck, Ecoboo. I hope you enjoy your first weeks of motherhood. This time is so precious and you have every right to do things your way. I'm sure your DH will settle into his role as a father as well (it took mine a while but he got there in the end).

Remember, you are now of the parent generation and you get to work out how you bring your child up. You are allowed to take yourself seriously as an adult and expect others to take you seriously and treat you with respect. Hell, you just produced a brand new human being!

Night