to think my life is being taken over by my Mother In Law

[Ecoboo]

I have just had my first baby two weeks ago and on the second day the in laws turned up unannounced even after being told we would have a week before allowing visitors. I was really upset after the visit - they stayed for 8 hours and i was left with them while my partner went out. My MIL insisted on holding the baby for hours and i did not realise i needed to wake the baby to breast feed so she went all this time without a feed!( i feel terrible about this). In the end of i was almost delirious with tiredness and was encouraged to 'go and sleep' - which meant i left my baby down stairs and crashed out. I felt really uneasy about this but did not feel i could claim my baby and take her with me.

Anyway - since then, MIL wants to visit all the time. Luckily they live over an hour away but she is looking into a static holiday home 5 mins drive from us. All she wants to do is hold the baby all the time and does not realise that DD becomes unsettled and wants to be close to me at the moment.

DH is not really helping and does not appreciate he needs to keep the boundaries for us as a family at this time.

Now we are being invited for sunday dinner and i realise that this could be my life for next 18 years and i don't like the look of it. I would prefer to be bonding with my baby, sleeping and maybe spending some time with our friends who h babies.

Any ideas? what is a reasonable amount of time to spend with MIL? I was thinking once a month but i don't think i will get this. I am surprised she is being so possessive - it is not like the baby can do much bonding with her at the moment.

Help.

Oh by the way I agree that the caravan 5 minutes away would be a bit much.

How many times has MIL visited in total since DD was born?

I think that inviting oneself over is rude, personally. But then the elderly often have no manners.

Perhaps if the grandparents had given the new parents a little space to work out their new roles, they might have said 'Hey, actually, we can cope with this change in our lives', and asked close family over after a couple of days.

Maybe the in-laws were shocked and embarrassed that their son had gone out so soon after becoming a dad and hung around longer thinking that they were being helpful?

I agree the 8 hours visit is ludicrous, but then so is your DH for letting this situation arise.

And I'm with the posters who feel that this probably wouldn't have happened if family had been told that they could visit for a set time on a set day sometime during the first week.

OP - I don't think you were being harsh in saying no visitors for the first week. We said the same but were guilt tripped out of it. Wish I'd stuck to my guns In fact, many of the ante-natal threads recommend ir!

Explain how you feel to DH, you need to set clear boundaries now, so you're ALL happy with how often you see each other. MIL will be VERY excited but she has to remember you and baby come first for now.

It seems as if some posters on here have forgotten what it feels like to be a nervous expectant mum, worried about the birth, worried about being able to bf, worried about everything basically. And what it feels like to be a terrified new mum, scared stiff of getting it wrong.

As someone else said, if the new parents had been given a bit of space, they may have realised that they could deal with visitors earlier anyway.

But, everyone is different. I was up and about after 2 days and was desperate for visitors. My sister didn't have a single visitor for nearly 2 weeks because it took her longer to recover and build up her confidence as a mum. Thankfully, all of our relatives were completely fine with both approaches - they let us each make the calls and for that I am eternally grateful.

OP. I had to have a massive hidoeusly painful row with my Mum for something similar when my Daughter was 4 months old, I realise in hindsight that it was partly my fault for not putting in the boundries in earlier and Mum felt that I was taking away some of her grandchild time. So please do it now for your own sake.

Also where is your husband in this-what was he doing going out and leaving you with a 2 day old and his parents to deal with? tell him he needs to get them to back off a bit, thier his folks aferall.

Be assertive, tell them how long you want them to visit for and if they look like thay are going to overstay thier welcome tell them
"sorry folks im really tired and baby needs a feed, I'm afraid I am going to have to ask you to leave now, you understand how it feels with a new one at home" OR

"sorry I am really tired and need some rest and I am taking baby up to bed for a feed now" If you want to stay longer I would be eternally grateful if you wouldn't mind cooking for me and DH tonight/mowing the lawn/hanging out that load of laundry/mopping the kitchen floor."

guess family set ups are weird. Where I come from it would be inconcievable to ask close family to stay away for a week. A new baby is usually there to be shared by all the family. It might be easier in that all the family usually live within the same area so short visits are easy. I was really sad that no family saw my baby straight away, but we lived 500 miles away and I couldn't face putting people up in my home that first week. But, if they lived nearby and could pop in and then out again, that would have been great. Guess we all have different norms and expectations to this kind of thing.
I hope to be on good terms with any future DIL's. I have 2 boys and the thought of being told to keep away terrifies me.

i would imagine the ban was to prevent a situation such as the OP describes - if they are in the habit of doing things like turning up unannounced and uninvited, and staying 8 hours, i can totally see why OP wanted to be left alone with her new baby for the first week

I wish that OP would come back and told us if:

1. She has parents
2. If they live locally.
3. When they saw the baby.
4. If they did as they were told.

Sorry tell us.

Evewasframed - I totally agree with you. I am always constantly amazed at how crass people can be about their MIL's. They gave birth to your DP's, DH etc, how can you ask your DH/P to ask his own mum not to come to the house to see his child? I just do not get it, maybe it is the way I was brought up. There is no way on this earth that I could say anything like that to my MIL because I respect my DH and DP too much (not saying you don't btw) but what I mean is that I would not ever want him to become uncomfortable with his own mum who gave birth to him so would never put him in such a position.

DIL's sometimes need to learn to be more tolerant, yes your MIL might get on your nerves but at the end of the day she is your DP/H mum. Does the same rule apply to your family as well then OP, as usually the DIL does not mind her own family popping round as and when they want; and yet when their DH/P's family turn up it's as if there is World War 3. When you met your DH you knew he had a family and you should accept that family. To ask a grandparent not to visit for a week is highly unreasonable. Even if she stayed for eight hours, I don't see why you could not capitalise on that and just have a rest. Your MIL is not a stranger and tbh your DC was in very good hands. When I gave birth last year my BIL stayed with us for a few days and I did not feel the need to entertain him because he is merely an extension of my DH and our home is also his home. I would draw the line at the camper van though and visits everyday.

Do you not like your MIL then?

ladies,for some with MIL who is nice,you would want to see her asap,for me,DH and his mum never had a relationship whatsoever,only now is she trying to be a parent,but my husband says its too late,i disagree though.
when i had my baby 3months ago,i did not want anyone to visit for a couple of reasons,the birth was so traumatic for me,ended having a c section,went home with baby and my boobs got an infection,baby crying coz she was hungry,i would not have wanted even my own mom there,coz i felt such a FAILURE,,and i suspect i had PND too,

now MIL,who hates me visits when her sons wants her to,he sets the boundaries,not me and our relationship is getting better,it was hard to have a relationship with her BEFORE marriage coz she hated me ,,i would not want her to see her GC once a month,no way,regardless of the way she has treated me she is still my DD's nana,and she adores my baby,so good enough for me,

Piscesmoon,i agree,its not a duty,that was just wrong wording and terrible english on my part,,

and i think we should cut our MIL's some slack,fair enough they hate us,but if they love our DC,,then thats something else,,but staying for 8 hrs on the second day,,im still thinking about myself feeling like crap a month after the birth of my baby,,

wish OP would come back and tell us how things are going,,

You have to spell it out to her. Your baby needs its Mum right now and no-one else. You have to say something for your baby's sake. It's best to get these things out in the open and you;ll be glad you did it. Good luck xx

I agree that it isn't an easy one-I can't imagine having a MIL who hated me-it is up to DH to sort it out before the marriage and spell it out- that the mother of his DCs isn't just going to be tolerated-she is part of the family.
I have trouble with the whole concept that you can have a baby and not immediately want to share the joy and show it off to your parents and your PIL. I don't see them as visitors-they are part of the family and shouldn't stand on ceremony and expect to be entertained. The first time my PIL saw DS1 they arrived bringing dinner with them and cooking it. If you don't have that relationship then I suppose that you can't do it. It is understandable if you have a MIL who doesn't like you, but it isn't in the least understandable if it is just you not letting her get beyond the visitor stage.

OP doesn't seem to like hers. Unless the woman is dreadful, it is really sensible to get to know her and see her without DH before you get married. OP doesn't seem to understand that after the 18yrs MIL might want visiting more often if she is elderly. The whole relationship seems to be purely duty through the grudging acceptance that the woman has to be put up with for the sake of the DC-and as little as she can get away with.