to think that its a bit much to let a 7 year old change a wet bed at night

[extension]

My dd is currently under the enurisis clinic for bedwetting. She is 7. We are following all the advice and instructions but, one of the things the doctor wants her to do is strip and change the wet bed at night and record the time, without help from me.

Now, I would almost certainly hear her fumbling around trying to do this and it breaks my heart to think that I could leave her struggling with all this. Also, she cant tell the time so she wouldnt be able to record it anyway.

I told the doctor that I didnt feel comfortable doing this but she just said that she was advising me what to do and thinks I should follow the advice.

awww Fran I can feel tears pricking my eyes

On the surface it does sound cruel and I know my soon-to-be 7 yr old would struggle but I am wondering if the reasoning is that the doctor thinks that it might save your DD the upset of having to come and wake you? I have no real experience but my DS was nearly 6 when he stopped wetting and he did find it humiliating to the point that he wouldn't wake us every time. I wasn't a tyrant either. In fact he got into my bed more often than not, which he liked so it wasn't fear that stopped him coming!

How about if you did double dress the bed - could she take off the wet bits and avoid having to wake you if that is the reasoning? I think my DS coud just about manage that - it is putting the fresh sheets back on that are the big struggle.

I wouldn't bother about recording the time though. That seems a bit unnecessary unless you can easily do the digital clock thing but even then it requires organisation to find something to write with and make a note which would be hard for a half asleep child.

I would definitely ask for clarification on what the doctor is hoping to achieve by this advice though.

we were given the same advice by our enuresis specialist, but I'm fairly sure it wasn't at 7 years old

I can't quite work out what the thinking is behind it even now though. He said something about giving her 'ownership' of the problem, but she had that anyway, so couldn't understand.

I also didn't get the point of the coloured charts (like star charts) as it isn't the child's fault / being good, so why reward for a dry bed?

We did just as BALD has suggested, two lots of bedding on the bed so changes are very fast anyway

in the end we got her bunk beds so there are always two beds made up - even less fuss in the night (if she wakes up, which is rare)

"I think the idea behind it is that in her subconcious she will come to associate wetting the bed with hard work, and this will stick in her brain even when she's asleep"

I suspect this might be why the doctor is suggesting it - particularly if its evidence based, there might be something in it. Yet I agree that its a tad harsh and punishmenty.

It also depends a bit on what the alternative is. If the alternative is that she gets to snuggle in your bed when she wets the bed because its all too hard in the middle of the night, then I would say the Dr's advice is a sound alternative though one extreme to the other - but if you usually change it as quickly as possible without disturbing her too much, you could consider getting her a little bit involved in the process of changing the bed.

Unless the doctor is thinking there is no physical reason why your daughter is wetting the bed and that its a psycholgocial thing to get you to go to her in the night - or even on purpose (doubtful, but who knows what doc is thinking) - in which case, I suppose it might work as that "reward" is no longer being given. If that were the case though, I'd be wanting, as a parent to know why she had got to that stage and I'm sure its not that at all.

Geez its a bit of a connundrum really because you want to get help with it and get advice to stop it yet the advice does seem a bit full on.

YANBU regardless of the outcome.

the thinking is probably that you are all in it together as a team blah blah but really I find it cruel and a punishment for something the child has no control over

YANBU.

It is like punishing a child for doing something they can't help.

A star chart may help, actually. It certainly did in my case.

I also think making her change the sheets and record the time is cruel, but have you considered lots of layers of sheets and waterproofs? My dd used to wet the bed a lot, but I did the layer thing, so I just stripped off the top layer, didn't have to remake the bed. At about 6 dd off her own bat started stripping the wet ones off on her own - one morning I woke up and found the pile of sheets by her bed. As I said, she did this herself, I think because it was actually less disturbing for her than coming and getting me up. Maybe you could suggest this to your dd and see if she would be ok with it?

No way would I do this. MY 7 yo DS would struggle to make the bed in the middle of the day. Ludicrous.

I remember wetting the bed at that age, and I would have loved my mother to have left sheets etc in the bedroom, so I could have changed the bed without having the embarrassment of waking her.

What worked with me was that I realised I would wet the bed if I dreamed I was going to the toilet, so I used to set an alarm clock for midnight or so, get up, go to the toilet, and pinch myself lots to make sure I was actually awake!!! That seemed to work.

I don't think 7 is too young at all to change a bed, but I think you can make it easy by having stuff all ready and to hand. Certainly not abusive, if done in a 'if you have an accident, there are clean sheets here for you' as it promotes independence and reduces humiliation (at 7, a child could be VERY embarrassed about wetting the bed).

Perhaps the recording of the time is just to make it NOT feel like a punishment? ie to give the dd an (easy) task to do? Or to make sure she fully wakes up instead of stays half asleep? Not that I have any idea why that might be a good thing.

Very odd indeed, that the doctor hasn't explained exactly what they are hoping to achieve by this.

IF there is a good reason behind it, then it would be good to know what that was. It seems like the kind of instruction that could so easily be followed in the wrong way, with nothing being achieved anyway.

And we included a spare duvet by the bed, so as little middle of the night work as possible.

wow, I guess I went completely against the grain then when I encouraged my daughter to sort her own bed out when she was 4yrs old and had the odd accident at night!

She used to strip off the top layer and put a blanket or a towel on it and go back to sleep.

Could the time thing be to somehow train her to wake just before she wets the bed?

Like if I set my alarm for 6.15, after a week or so I tend to wake just before to witch it off.

I only have a 3yo so no knowledge but is it maybe so she doesn't have to come to you in the middle of the night, wake you up and say I wet the bed again? So that she is in full control iyswim? And presumably you can set things up so it's very very easy for her to do this?
OTOH everyone seems to agree that this is an awful thing to do so I'm probably wrong

I think it is to do with giving the child control BACK if they are able to deal with a bed wetting without parental intervention. May reduce some of the anxiety they fell around it.

yes that's exactly it - let them know that if the worst happens they can deal with it

Why don't you layer the bed with

sheet + absorbant pad
sheet + absorbant pad

as many as you like
then she just takes the top one off.

I did this when DS1 was little because feeding a baby AND dealing with wet beds was all a bit much, so I'd take the top layer off and his pj's and he'd be back to sleep in 5 mins max and so would I

That's exactly what I was thinking Stealth & Coalition. She's probably embarrassed and it would be easier for her if she dealth with it like a big girl (and also much easer for you not to have your sleep disturbed).

I like the idea of having two layers of sheets & w/proofs, so it isn't too much of a hassle for her.

i remember being on a caravan holiday with parents & aunt & uncle & cousins and desperate for a wee at night, which would have involved clothes, wellies & a tramp across the fields. parents & aunt might havre tutted but i wouldn';t have got the birch! Yet from embarrassment / not wanting to be a nuisance, I didn't dare mention.

My dd (9 1/2) still wets at night but sleeps through till morning in wet bed. I was a bed wetter too and agree about it seeming harsh and punitive insisting your dd changes bed herself (especially at 7 poor mite). I can't see how it gives them ownership of the problem, I certainly felt responsible for my problem and it still went on 'till I was 15 even with medication.

It isn't about ownership or getting your child to stop bed wetting, it's about responsibility and normality. It is supposed to be important to get your child to help with the clean up (in the morning), changing sheets or rinsing out their underwear, maybe putting them into the washing machine. Not as a punishment however, it just shows them the responsible way to deal with things. It also is supposed to make them feel less embarrased.

That said, getting a 7 yo to do it in the middle of the night seems a bit harsh.

YANBU

I would not put that extra stress on my 7 yr old, in the middle of the night!

He would struggle to make his own bed normally, let alone when he is covered in wee and wet pjs and it's the middle of the night.

I agree with songbiiird though, a 7yr old can be involved in the clean-up in the morning.