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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be very lonely. and angry with my "friends"

106 replies

superv1xen · 23/06/2010 15:52

i moved house in january to a new area. until i moved i had 3 best friends who i used to see regularly, we all have kids of similar ages. but since i moved only one of them ever bothers with me, we see eachother at least once a week and i would now class her as my best friend. however the other 2 have pretty much stopped bothering with me now, one of them has only been to my new house 3 times and the other one has never even bothered to come round. i have met up with her in town twice in the 5 months i have been here! this is despite me regularly asking them to meet up or do something and them always having excuses. i havent even moved very far!!

the one who has been to my new house twice is at college and finishes in 3 weeks. last week i asked her if she could meet up this week and she said she was snowed under with work and probably couldnt meet till after her course finishes, which is fair enough, i understood and was fine with that.

however, it transpires (through facebook) that the 2 of them met up in town for a coffee today. and never even bothered to ask me!! and something else that annoys me is that they were both friends with me first, and didnt know eachother, and now they seem to have pushed me out and are thick as thieves.

i dont know anyone in my new area, i am really shy and find it hard to meet people. i have been to my local surestart group with the kids but it seems hard to get chatting to the others there as they already all seem to know eachother. and i dont want to come across as desperate even though i am

i cant believe i am 30 years old and basically have ONE real friend. i have one or two others but barely see them, they are more acquaintances really. its pathetic. i am so lonely. i am a SAHM and i should be having a great time meeting up with other mums, doing lunch and coffees and stuff but i am not.

my DP suggests that they are jealous of me now i have moved (its a much nicer house, bigger than theirs, and we have spent a lot of money doing it up) also its housing association which are very hard to get. but surely no one would be that petty?

OP posts:
Original poster
superv1xen · 23/06/2010 17:38

pffft haha i know claricestar they are pathetic.

OP posts:
pssthiagain · 23/06/2010 17:40

Message deleted

ItalyLovingMummy · 23/06/2010 17:46

superv1xen - re your appearance, I 'dared' to wear lipstick and a bit of blusher with washed and straightened hair to my post-natal class when DS was 6 weeks and you would think I had turned up with a mini skirt and god knows what else the way I was looked at. Good on you for the glam!

diddl · 23/06/2010 17:48

I don´t think anyone is saying OP shouldn´t have highlights?

Although to me if you can afford highlights and "loads of treats"you shouldn´t be eligible for housing association tbh.

Ewemoo · 23/06/2010 18:06

Tbh I agree with Hurley. In both posts you've gone on about how much more you have than your friends. This would get a bit much if you did it all the time. It is lonely being a SAHM and making the first advances to new people is difficult but just one of those hurdles you have to overcome. Keep on trying

cupcakesandbunting · 23/06/2010 18:12

Supervixen, you do sound a wee bit boastful, I am sorry to say. Of course you're entitled to look nice but you also said that you spent a lot of money doing up your house. You're either poor enough to qualify for a housing association house or not.

Anyway the money thing isn't the problem that I can see here. Like I said, you do sound boastful and a teeny bit smug. Maybe your friends don't like this aspect of your personality?

Original poster
superv1xen · 24/06/2010 11:29

i would never say anything to my friends that i have "much more than them" !!! just saying that my dp had suggested it may be jealousy on their part, i am not boastful at all.

not that i have to explain for your benefit cupcakes but i was lucky enough to get lots of help from my dad and my dp when i moved in to my house, my dad is a builder and dp is a plasterer so they did a lot of the practical stuff, ie laying wood floors, painting, fitting a new kitchen, and plastering where needed and also as they are in the trade they got everything cheap. and i had been saving for a while as i knew i was going to have to move, i was just lucky enough to get offered a HA house after being on the list for years and years.

OP posts:
catherinemedici · 24/06/2010 11:46

Sorry your last post confused me - are you a single parent? I assumed your partner lived with you

porcamiseria · 24/06/2010 11:50

I am sorry if this post made you feel worse. I think you might be bit oversensitive when it comes to the old mates , dont take it personal. bit in parallel you cant rely on them, so its time to spread the wings and make some new ones

motherhood is a lovely time. there is some good advice on here about joining local groups etc and I think the thing is to remeber that everyone is in the same boat too

good luck

HousewifeOfOrangeCounty · 24/06/2010 11:54

I think some of you are being a little judgemental here. This lady has said that she was on her own for 10 months and then met her DP. She has had help to make her house look nice and takes pride in her appearance. Does that mean that she should take a HA property that she must be entitled to, they don't just give them away you know. She didn't post to be judged, she asked about her friends.

TheFruitWhisperer · 24/06/2010 12:00

I dont think it has anything to do with jealousy. I think people say 'oh they are just jealous' when they themselves arent willing to look at other motives, or perhaps cant see the other persons view and blame jealousy as its easy. Not saying thats the case here, just that 'they're just jealous' is not looking at the real issue.

OP, I think really, you should stop pressuring yourself to have it all. Its that pressure thats adding to your woes. Just relax!

HurleySatOnMe · 24/06/2010 12:00

Maybe so, but if MNers have noticed and pointed out these things, I think it's reasonable to assume that these friends have too. I would be livid tbh if one of my friends got a HA house when it appears they don't need one. If you have the money for designer handbags and enough to spend a lot doing it up, how exactly are you priority for a house?

maktaitai · 24/06/2010 12:03

Blimey I didn't think we were in Victorian Britain deciding who looks downtrodden enough to be the deserving poor any more. I have bought my ds two ice-lollies this week - am I allowed to carry on getting child benefit?

Having said that superv1xen, I wouldn't try to guess what your friends are feeling - I doubt very much that your dh is right about the jealousy, I'd leave that one behind. TBH I have friends I would class as really good friends that I haven't seen for a year Some people are better at arranging to meet up than others. My dh is ill a lot and I need to cancel arrangements at short notice, I do worry that people will think I don't want to meet up with them, but it's not that. I think that moving can be unexpectedly disorientating, the fact that you are thinking 'I have no friends' is classic depressive thinking. I would keep trying to meet up with them, maybe with your friend who you see every week as a foursome, maybe without the kids if you could all manage that? Then I would focus on meeting some people who have kids who will be going to school at the same time as you. I really don't think school gates are that cliquey, but it's true that after a year or two people may make less effort to make new friends, where they made a lot of effort in the early years. my ds is in year 1 and has just started to go to school by himself - so I'm not around as much. I probably look cliquey to others. Hope it goes well for you soon.

DandyLioness · 24/06/2010 12:05

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Message withdrawn

Original poster
superv1xen · 24/06/2010 12:05

hurley read my last post, i had help from family to do my house up and when i first got the keys it was a shit hole, bare floorboards, filthy, bad walls, scribble all over the walls, chipped paint, awful kitchen, i dont know how i would have been able to live there without help from my dad and dp.

oh and guess what, this will piss you off hurley, i do have a designer handbag, its a balenciaga motorcycle bad that DP got me for xmas, stick that one up your judgemental backside PMSL!!

OP posts:
Original poster
superv1xen · 24/06/2010 12:07

sorry, bag not bad

thanks to the ones who have stuck up for me, this thread seems less about me and my friends than about whether i "deserve" a housing association house due to my highlights.

OP posts:
HurleySatOnMe · 24/06/2010 12:08

It's not about looking downtrodden. You are missing the pont entirely. I am on benefits, a single mother, and tbh I don't look like a stereotypical single mum, but then most, if not all, of my vclothes come from charity shops! YOu'd never know it.
It's the way the OP has presented herself tha has irked people. It is crass to go on about hom many material things you have, how much money you have spent on doing up a house, showing off a new designer handbag, and all the more so if you have recently moved into a house for which you will have been catagorised in terms of need.

DandyLioness · 24/06/2010 12:09

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HurleySatOnMe · 24/06/2010 12:09

I'd rather not supervixen. The balenciaga motorcycle is sooo 2005 darling

PadmeHum · 24/06/2010 12:10

Agree with those who say you are being a tad juvenile about this.

Just forget it and move on. People can be horrible and I daresay "cliquey". These are facts of life.

Don't over-ruminate the situation. You'll only end up bitter and they'll likely think you are a bit of a bunny boiler.

Say nothing. It's simply not worth it. Move onto your local M&T group (or equivalent), you'll soon have new friends.

mistletoekisses · 24/06/2010 12:12

OP - sorry you are getting flamed.

I think that you have a choice, you can ponder about why your old friends are not making the effort and get angry about it.

Or you can accept that for whatever reasons they aren't making the effort. And try and move on. I know it is easier said than done, but get out there. Get to some meet ups and I promise you that you will eventually make new friends.

Good luck

lorelilee · 24/06/2010 12:17

Tbh - you sound like rather a boastful,chippy and self-absorbed person that I wouldn't want to be around either.

Original poster
superv1xen · 24/06/2010 12:27

why do i?

seriously, i am not like that at all. i know i have mentioned certain things i have on this thread but that was only for the purposes of wondering whether my friends were jealous, as dp had suggested. i would never "go on" about stuff i have etc in RL.

OP posts:
Bramshott · 24/06/2010 12:28

Sorry to hear that you are lonely superv1xen. TBH, I used to be a bit like that when I has just DD at home - whenever I heard about people meeting up I'd think "why didn't they ask me?!" and worry that I was unpopular and 'being left out' - twas a bit like being back at school!! The truth is that people often meet up on the spur of the moment etc, and it's usually nothing personal at all.

I think you just have to be confident in yourself, not take it personally, and go out and make some new friends. Go out to as many things as possible, invite people over etc. You may also find that when your eldest starts school there is a whole new circle of friends - not all school playgrounds are cliquey.

MrsC2010 · 24/06/2010 12:29

They really don't sound that bad. As we get older our friendships change, I have best friends that I don't see for 6 months at a time...they are still my best friends. Sometimes friends arrange to see each other without me, but we're not 5 and I don't own them. I have my own life with my husband, job, dogs, baby on way etc and that is just how adults work.