to think that sleeping through does not make a baby "good"?

[zombified]

First of all, I have a baby daughter. She is 4 months old. She is not sleeping through. And I am tired. So possibly IABU

BUT

It bugs me the way other parents say their baby is "good" or an "angel" etc because the baby sleeps through the night. Or they put it down to their excellent parenting/routine- not in so many words, but it is smugly implied.

This especially annoys me when the babies are formula fed or have a formula feed last thing at night. I have nothing against formula- but it does make babies sleep, so there's not much credit to be taken either by the parents or the baby on that count.

Whether a baby sleeps through or not does not make them good (or, by implication, bad). They are babies. They have no concept of sleeping through, they have no ability to be good or bad. They are just their lovely, innocent selves. Whether they sleep through or not.

My daughter has had the same routine since she was 8 weeks old, is in bed and asleep at 7pm every night, and her nights vary widely.I don't put it down to my parenting, whatever happens. And I certainly don't think she's "better" when she sleeps for longer. I'd love her to sleep for 12 hours a night for my own sake, but she wouldn't be any more of an angel if she did.

There's this obsession with sleeping through, as if it's not simply something which makes life easier for the parents, but is in fact the pinnacle of childrearing and a huge achievement for parent and child about which to crow endlessly.

Agree Mum NW. A baby that is allowed to sleep a lot in the day is probably less likely to sleep all night. Of course there is absolutely nothing wrong with that if the parents don't mind. Each to his own.

I perrsonally get sick of the crowing done by the bf brigade as if the only that really makes a good mother is demand breast feeding while co sleeping until the child is about ten.

Mine both did 7 hours sleep between 9pm-ish and 7am-ish from 4 weeks.
yes, I bf, but I just thought I was lucky and didn't own up to it until the oldest was around 5 for fear of being kicked to death by the sleep deprived.

ime these mythical babies that sleep through from 1 week are far and few between, and many competitive mothers rather stretch the definition of sleeping through. People often ask me if my baby is "good" and I say that she is very calm (which she is) but that she is currently a rubbish sleeper (which she also is). I was very blessed that she slept through from 10 till 5 between 1 month and 4.5 months of age- nothing to do with routines, just purely her own doing. And then she started waking up in the night and I am tired. But that's life, and she won't do it for ever.

My DS (now almost 8) slept through from SIX DAYS OLD!!! Not one person believes me when I tell them this, but it is 100% true (bar one or two nights where he woke up with bad constipation).

But it doesn't mean he is "good" (he is mostly pretty chilled, but can still occasionally be a little sod like other 8 year old). It also is nothing to do with my super-fantastic parenting skills (did I mention that grown-ups can be sods too)?! Nope. He has ALWAYS been this way - ever since. He'll sleep for fourteen hours if you let him - (I dread to think how much MORE he'll sleep as a teenager)!!! 'Tis just the way he is.....

He was, however, a RIDICULOUSLY faddy eater (only ever eating fruit, porridge and shepherd's pie)!!! It's only in the last three or so years that his diet has normalised. So the people that called him an "angel" for his good sleeping would NOT have said the same if they had had to feed him!!!!!

OP - don't stress. Some kids are good sleepers, others are not. It doesn't make much of a difference to their personality in the end, so just ignore those that say otherwise.

'And then she started waking up in the night and I am tired. But that's life, and she won't do it for ever.'

Then they become teenagers, and you have your mornings to yourself. And often the afternoons as they snooze away only to surface at sunset.

Or you lie awake in the early hours, listening for their key in the door before you can sleep.

I use easy baby. DS2 is an easy baby, you feed him and he is happy. No real effort required.

jaabaar - just saw your post! Interesting. Looks like we have similar experiences as my DS was ALSO mixed fed and was a heavy birthweight. Wonder if that's they key, lol?!

I think you can be relieved without being smug.

I dont think I was ever smug (I know I wasn't) but I was surprised and relieved.

I never volunteered the information when my babies slept through either - but people do ask. Including my NCT group. I bet there are a couple of them who would say I either was smug or boasted - but the reality is I was asked a question and I answered.

If you are sleep deprived then you get all arsey about it I've found.

What really gets me smirking is mothers who say things like "oh those mums who say their babies sleep through are lying anyway". Um. No they are not. (Well I wasn't). Well I was lying DOWN being asleep and all

Well ds was an appalling sleeper and I didn't think describing a good sleeper as "good" was a problem ata all.

I opften wished ds was as "good". He just wasn't. I still loved him and don't give a stuff if he is described as good or not.

I always said my baby was good - he did sleep through from early on. But then I wonder how many times I was so tired I just slept through the crying.

'What really gets me smirking is mothers who say things like "oh those mums who say their babies sleep through are lying anyway". Um. No they are not. (Well I wasn't).'

SloanyPony, that's another good reason not to talk about it. Misery loves company, so they don't want to hear about babies that sleep through. Especially if they are bf and not drugged with gin.

I am sure that people who say their babies sleep through are not lying. Some babies are like that.

Goblinchild, very unpleasant thing to say about misery loving company. If you weren't smug before, you are now.

it's just a turn of phrase

YANBU.

Its' that my son slept through from 8 weeks, has always eaten well, and is very placid and easy to do whatever, whenever that makes him a 'good' baby

I jest, I jest! Though, he does do all of that but unfortunately I can't really take any credit. It's just how he is. I expect my next one to be the trouble

People think we are lying? What for? He did. 8 weeks old and he started sleeping from 12 til 7 and this time got rapidly earlier in the evening and later in the morning. I have the lack of bags under my eyes to prove it!!

I don't think I am smug about it. (post above was just a joke) I am pleased that he slept so well because I don't think I would have coped very well otherwise. I understand how difficult it must be for mothers that are up all hours of the night and give much respect that they still keep on going throughout the day as well.

YANBU
used to drive me absolutely crazy when I actually didn't mind TOO much that he woke every 3 hours or less for ten months. I used to protest but you could tell other Mums thought I was being a martyr, so I stopped talking about it. I used to just mumble or make some vague comment when asked.

Then he just started sleeping through when we went on holiday to Berlin in February. I decided not to share that either, because pleased as I was, it didn't define him as a baby for me.

'Goblinchild, very unpleasant thing to say about misery loving company. If you weren't smug before, you are now. '

It's an expression. If I was smug, I'd have spent all my time telling people that my babies slept through and offering a lot of advice about how they should change their parenting style. But I thought it was the luck of the draw (another expression) and kept quiet whilst making positive comments instead.
So you are saying that people with babies that don't sleep would love to hear other parents go on about how theirs are adorably unconscious from dusk til dawn? Perhaps I shouldn't have been so unnecessarily considerate all those years ago.

'People think we are lying? What for? He did'

because it can't be true because their child isn't doing it. Either that or you've Done Something Bad to him so that he slept.

I think I probably said it about dd, who went 10 till 7 from 5 weeks. But it wasn't just because she was a good sleeper - she didn't need to be in any particular place to sleep, or need any particular routine to go through the night, and she only ever cried if she was hungry.

I wasn't smug about it and didn't boast - like Sloany, I would only ever say if I were asked. I couldn't help how dd was, and never tried to take any credit for it - I didn't have a bloody clue what I was doing. And there was certainly no intent on my part to make others feel less than. In fact I was so desperate not to come across as smug, that I used to make up problems that I had with dd just so I'd fit in with the rest of the group.

But despite that I still felt animosity from some other mums, dd got called "text book baby" and I felt like an outsider as one mum in particular would sneer at me and say "oh well, you don't have these problems do you" and go on to exclude me from conversations. It wasn't pleasant for me, and I ended up leaving the group and finding another who accepted dd and me for who we were.

Goblin - did your baby lose weight? Were you able to sleep through the babies cries?

I remember speaking to a lactation consultant who got quite annoyed at such stories of babies sleeping through - she thought it happened because of some sort of need not being met - either the mother being too tired to respond or the baby learning that the mother would not respond.

And I meant babies sleeping through while being breastfed at 4 weeks....

Will you be cross and grumpy if I say that neither of mine lost weight at all, and that I lactated enough to feed the starving babies of a small European country by myself?
The housework didn't get done for a few months, but as I've always been a slattern in that dept, there was no discernible change in my hovel.

Ignore them wailing?
I still can't do it and my babies are 15 and 19.

Well in dd's case snowdropz she didn't cry, her weight was well within normal ranges and the HV expressed no concern whatsoever.

I would only get cross if you spouted your example to other mums as the way it is... it must be very rare for a baby to sleep through at such a young age and not such a great example to mention starving babies...