to tell my teenage daughter that she needs to be in before 11pm?

[sometimesgirl]

My daughter is 18 and lives at home. I do not want her out after 11 because she often has to make her way home with friends and i am unable to collect her as I have younger children at home. she is really annoyed about and I feel that it is drawing us apart. But I worry for her safety x

My DD's are 17 and 18, DD1 is home from university and doesn't have any curfew but she will tell me where she is going and how she plans to get home. She has enough money to fund her own taxis if that is what is appropriate.

DD2 wouldn't be out late on a school night but if she was planning something late at the weekend she can't go unless she has a safe way of getting home. I do pick her up from places but I share lifts with other parents in her group of friends. Coming home with friends would be fine or crashing at someone's house if it was difficult to get back (her school has a wide catchment area). I'm not bothered by the "time" more that some safe arrangements are put in place. DD2 went out on Friday and Saturday nights for end of exam stuff and both times was out after midnight which seemed perfectly reasonable at 17.

My Mum had me on a 10.30 BEDtime when I was 18 and came back home for the summer after 9 months of freedom at uni. I hated her for it and anyone I told thought she was a complete loon.

Bad things can happen day or night, a curfew isn't the answer to child protection.

In this scenario I'd suggest either she stays at a friend's overnight or budgets for a taxi home.

If she is 18 and has NEVER been out after 11pm I feel v sorry for her. She will only be 18 once and she should be making the most of it.

She's 18. YABU.

If she was living out at university, you wouldn't know where she was or what she was doing EVER. Stop restricting her or she might just leave home.

she could get attacked at any time not just after 11pm..it is worrying when they are out late,but 11pm i personally think is a bit early for an 18 year old.

my son is 18,and basically comes in whenever,but he does work and sometimes isnt home till 2am.I use to lie in bed,waiting for the key in the door but ive learned to relax now..

is your daughter your eldest child ? as i found i was the same with my eldest,its just learning to let them go,so im a bit more relaxed now with no2 and no3,but no4 is my baby so maybe i will be the same old worrier when he gets older.

I think 'your house, your rules' is perfectly acceptable; as that's how I run my home.

I think it depends where you live; how safe you perceive it to be; and what your 'norms' are. I certainly think that 11pm on a school night is quite late enough, especially if the rest of the household also has school/work the next day. Yes, your teen has to be allowed to grow up and have some freedom, but equally they need to know that their actions can impact on others and that community living requires give and take, and that doesn't always mean give on the part of the parent and take on the part of the teenager.

I think you're BU. I think you need to trust her.

My DSD is 17 (almost 18), if we were to tell her she had to be in at 11 she would think we were having a joke. She doesn't actually go out until 11. She was very seriously assaulted (IYSWIM?) when she was 15 on a night out clubbing. (We didn't know she was out clubbing at the time). So serious the offender got 13 years in prison!

She has a very regular social life. Is out most weekends and some week nights. When she does come home it's not until around 6am. That's when she comes home, sometimes she'll go out on the Friday night and not come home until the Sunday night. Our only stipulations are that she texts us and let us know she's ok (don't think it's any of our business where she is) and if she comes home that she is quiet and doesn't wake her little sisters up. (Although they're usually already up when she comes in). She's an adult, she pays for all her own nights out from her part time job. The only money she gets from us is bus fare and lunch money for when she's in sixth form.

When I was 18 I'd been living with DH for 2 years it would have been a very strange concept to me to be told I had to be in for 11.

Yabu, at 18, I had a 2 year old DD, and would have rather resented being given a curfew when I was an adult. At 18 your child should be more than capable of being given a house key and to make his/her own arrangements for transport home. I thought you were talking about a 13yo tbh! If you have taught your dc's to have personal responsibility then they should be able to cope with making arrangements for travel home BEFORE they go out, and to text or call you if there are changes to those plans. If my 12yo DD with learning difficulties can manage that, I can't see any possible reason why an 18yo can't! FGS how much do people wrap their dc's in cotton wool these days? She can vote, get married without your permission, have a baby, yet she is unable to arrange her own transport home? Errrr NO!

YABU..

I had moved out at 17 and had my mum suggested I come home by 11pm I would have chuckled in to my cherry hootch.

At 18 I rarely actually made it home at all... well, not my own home anyway teehee... you are sharing your home with an adult now, you can make rules around not making a noise when she comes home and not bringing men back etc etc but you cant give a curfew to an adult.

seems a bit early for an 18 year old tbh

She is an adult but she should have respect for you and the other children in the house. She can't expect you to get little ones out of bed to go and pick her up after a night out.

no, of course she has to find her own way home.

Thanks for all the advice. I think I will let her out later if she is local with people i know. But in the middle of the city...not so sure.

sometimesgirl, at the end of the day its your family and your decision so you must do whats right for all of you. I think we'll worry about our kids until the day we die. My mum still wishes I would be home by 11pm and im in my 30s... sadly no matter how old you are you are in danger really so I think now is a good time to let go.

We stopped giving DD1 cufews from aged about 17,mainly because she never stuck to them anyway,and I used to wind myself up into a frenzy about it.
Yes,we still worried,we would if she was 30,40,50...
but she is an adult,and part of parenting is knowing when to let go,imo.

At 17 I used to get myself home from places via night buses/taxi's etc..

I think YABU to impose a curfew, but YANBU to worry about her getting home safely. But, your house or not, she is an adult and you do need to treat her as such...no matter how hard it is.

I agree compromise is the way forward

When I was a teen I saw lots of my friends who were party to the "my house my rules" way of thinking go totally off the rails.

If you're too restrictive she'll leave home and go nuts, or she'll break your rules and your relationship with her will suffer.

If you explain why you're worried, and she explains what she will do to be safe, I think you need to give her some leeway

my dd17 tells me what time she is coming home - she tells me if she is staying at her bf and she text me of any changes - I want to knw where hse is and who she is with.

We have had one murder 5 minutes away and one murder in the next town and then the body dumpeed - which has really brought home to my dd why i want to know where she is and any changes of plan.

Local with people you know
Will you need to know all her friends for the next x amount of years? You are treating her like she is at pre school on a playdate!

Why not the city? Thats where the clubs etc are no? Does crime only ever happen in the city?

You really need to let go, she will start to resent you for it soon and your relationship will suffer. You are obviously a very caring mum and she is very lucky, dont ruin that.

I am 23 and still live at home with parents. Don't have a curfew however tend to be in before 11 on weeknights simply because I need my sleep and work full time.

I stay at my boyfriends quite a bit and always text my mum to say I'm staying. She can ring me at anytime (though doesn't often) if she wants to check I'm ok.

OP, could you agree that you always go to sleep and leave your mobile on silent, so she can text you when she is on her way home (and if you then wake up thinking where is she? you know she is on her way, or has stayed at a friends or whatever)