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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell my teenage daughter that she needs to be in before 11pm?

119 replies

sometimesgirl · 19/06/2010 20:24

My daughter is 18 and lives at home. I do not want her out after 11 because she often has to make her way home with friends and i am unable to collect her as I have younger children at home. she is really annoyed about and I feel that it is drawing us apart. But I worry for her safety x

OP posts:
BecauseImWorthIt · 19/06/2010 21:27

Absolutely, nzshar.

GeekOfTheWeek · 19/06/2010 21:29

nzshar, I have a friend that did the same at 16. She ended up in a bedsit with an older boyfriend, smoking weed and drinking instead of sitting her gcses. She never went back either.

Agree that compromise is key.

AgentZigzag · 19/06/2010 21:30

Agree with nzshar, you can't order teenagers about like they're 6, you can ask, but if she says no what are you going to do? Physically stop her from going out again?

ImSoNotTelling · 19/06/2010 21:31

I do think that YABU really, she is 18 and as such should be extended responsibility, including looking after herself when she goes out with her mates. If she is coming home with her friends then she is safe surely? I am also not convinced that things are more likely to happen after a certain time than before it IYSWIM.

However my ones are teeny and I am sure that when they reach the age where they want to go out I will brick it and DH will probably don a false moustache and follow them.

Why not tell her that you worry (which is true and understandable) and have a grown up conversation about what / how / when she gets back, what she can do to reassure you, can you reach a compromise, etc etc there are loads of options.

I would have fallen out with my parents big-time if they had done this TBH, I was out til about 2/3 am and sometimes all night when in the sixth form. As was DH. He lied to his parents about what he was doing though - that's the otehr concern.

Talk to her

BecauseImWorthIt · 19/06/2010 21:32

ThreeBlondeBoys - we have house rules as well. But it's about how they get applied.

That was the whole fucking point of my thread.

GypsyMoth · 19/06/2010 21:32

as i said in my first post op,cant you make an exception on some occasions? weekends for example?

BecauseImWorthIt · 19/06/2010 21:32

My post, sorry, not thread. That really annoyed me TBB.

I was trying to be helpful and it is really insulting to tell me I was being patronising.

jaffacake2 · 19/06/2010 21:36

Why do people take offense so easily on mumsnet?
You just think that your on an interesting discussion then all the abuse and name calling starts. Its like being back in the playground!!

sparklefrog · 19/06/2010 21:40

I have a DS 18 and a DD 22m. I am a single parent, live miles from anywhere, buses stop running before 11pm.

DS has gone out tonight. I hope he has a great evening. I shall not wait up for him, nor jump in my car to pick him up. He knows the last bus leaves town before 11pm.

How DS gets home is something he has to consider when planning his night out. He knows I cannot drop everything and pick him up unless he was in trouble of any sort. Of course, if he phoned me at 3am and said he needed me, that he was in trouble of some sort, I would get DD up, and drive the 16 miles to the town to pick him up.

I've had no problems so far. It has made DS think and organise his social life around his circumstances, and we get along just fine atm.

If DS had been attacked, of course I would be wary, but imho, it is up to DS to be responsible for himself and part of that is making his own decisions.

What time does your DD want to stay out until? Will you make it later as she gets older, or will it remain the same time so long as she is living under your roof?

GypsyMoth · 19/06/2010 21:41

patronising

snala · 19/06/2010 21:42

YABU! She is an adult and should be sorting her own transport out.

How does she fund her night out? Could you make an arrangement that she pays for a taxi home out of her night out money,then leaves the taxi money at home so she doesn't spend it?.
Then she will be able to come home to suit herself and you will know she is safe.

FWIW I would have been mortified if I had to tell my friends I had to leave and be home by 11pm! Let her live a little, you are only 18 once!

pranma · 19/06/2010 21:51

My dc and stepdc are all adults now but when they were all at home[5 teens for a while]I did have house rules which I admitted were so that I could sleep and not spend hours peering out of the window.
1]I must always know where you expect to be
2]after age 16 you tell me when you will be home and keep to it
3]on school nights those still at school must be in by 11 because we all need our sleep
4]If you intend to walk home late you must never do it alone
5]Always phone if you have to change arrangements
They were all wonderful and kept the rules even in University vacations when 'school nights' meant if I had to be in school[teacher]next day.
OP I think you are being a very little U because of her age but I also think you are being a very loving,caring parent and should be commended not flamed.

jaffacake2 · 19/06/2010 21:53

Me patronising?

GypsyMoth · 19/06/2010 21:56

no,no,jaffa,not you....aimed at biwi saying i patronised her...or something!!

Goblinchild · 19/06/2010 22:27

Your daughter needs to have the awareness to know how to keep herself safe. You need to either help her think of ways and means, or let her be with others who will guide her.
Wanting her to keep curfew won't help her.
My DD is off to uni in the Big City in the autumn. Despite coming from a small village, I have confidence that she's streetwise enough to be almost as safe as I would be.
At 18, you need to work with her as a young adult.

BecauseImWorthIt · 19/06/2010 22:37

Well what is your problem with my post, TBB?

You said you 'don't need a lesson'. I assumed you meant this was patronising.

If not, what did you mean?

Others have said the same as me, so I don't get your point.

cat64 · 19/06/2010 23:15

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rewardgirl · 19/06/2010 23:54

I think there comes a point when you have to trust that you have taught your children the valuable lessons that they need to do, and now's a good time. Hopefully she's smart enough not to get drunk and walk home by herself, or something similarly daft. But it's all in life lessons for her to figure out her "getting home strategy" into her general planning.
If she can get a night bus or cheap taxi home, then she can figure that into her budget. If you live in a remote area, then you should contribute to her taxi home occasionally, it's not her fault you live so far out.
I was going clubbing every Tues (student night) from being about 17, but we lived quite a way out of town, so I either stayed with a friend or only bought a half of cider all night so that I could afford the taxi home. They were some of the best nights out I've ever had, and I'm very glad my (very catholic) mother let me show her that I was responsible, and make my own mistakes rather than denying me that.

Lynli · 20/06/2010 00:10

I can completely understand how you feel. When my DD was 18 I could not sleep until she was home safe. She was very good always texting me to say where she was and when she was on her way home. We agreed that if she was going out very late that she would stay at her friends or her friend would stay with us. so there would always be someone with her.

Talk to her and see what you can do to keep her safe and make you feel better. But she is an adult and you can't really order her to be home by 11
Good luck

mumeeee · 20/06/2010 00:13

YABU, She is 18 and a lot of 18year olds don't even go out until 9pm. DD2 now 20 started to go to night clubs at 18,5 and she used to come home at 2.30am not everynight though No we didn't like it and I did worry a bit. But we asked her to let us know if she was staying out late and they she never came home by herself. she usually got a taxi,like it but she was an adult so we just asked her to let us kn

mumeeee · 20/06/2010 00:14

sorry meant asked us to let us know if she was staying out late or if she was going to sleepover at a friends.

Henny1995 · 20/06/2010 00:51

She may be an adult but she's YOUR adult. Your house, your rules. Lay it on the line. She's lucky to have a mum that cares. x
YANBU!!!!

curtainsshine · 20/06/2010 01:37

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gtamom · 20/06/2010 02:19

I have 2 grown sons, and learned to be flexible and compromise. Could your daughter phone you when she is about to leave for home, so you will know an approximate time to be expecting her? Then you won't be worrying wondering if she is safe or laying in an alley or something? Also, does she have a cell phone?
I think 11 is a decent time to be home in general. Maybe if she can give you an estimated time of being home when she goes out, with an agreement to phone you if she will be late, it would be a compromise?

ShinyAndNew · 20/06/2010 02:24

I hate 'my house, my rules'. My parents did that to me, when I was 17. It was their house, their rules and I either followed them or left. I chose the latter.

At 18 she is an adult. Keep pushing her and you will push her away.