to tell my teenage daughter that she needs to be in before 11pm?

[sometimesgirl]

My daughter is 18 and lives at home. I do not want her out after 11 because she often has to make her way home with friends and i am unable to collect her as I have younger children at home. she is really annoyed about and I feel that it is drawing us apart. But I worry for her safety x

sometimesgirl - I'm sorry that you have had a bit of a flaming here.
I think that your rules are OK - she is still living under your roof so it's so true that your rules apply. I think it is hard to quantify when someone becomes an adult. It isn't necessarily the moment they turn 18. Is she still a student? Does she have exams at the moment? If so then 11pm is absolutely fine. Could it be midnight for special occasions?

Hmm. You have only posted on two threads - this one, and another one where you have insulted someone because they asked you to change your name.

Either you really don't get MN, in which case - welcome, have a good luck round and get a better feel for the place - or, if you're just here to wind everyone up, jog on yourself.

People on this thread were all trying to be supportive and helpful.

If you don't give all the relevant information in your OP you won't get answers to it all.

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter, but I still think YABU. Scary as it was for them and you, keeping her in the house is not going to change it. If she feels confident enough to go out now, you should let her.

loving the 'let her do what she wants she's an aduklt' advice.......followed with'but leave her out some taxi money'

I think given she's already been attacked she'll be extra cautious not to put herself in risky situations

what age do kids leave home these days? I'm probably completely unrealistic in thinking it's 18 aren't I ?

Is it not her house too ...

ThreeBlondeBoys - the suggestion to leave taxi money is because the op doesn't want her to make her own way home with friends. A compromise.

does she work op? pay her own way etc??

YABVU

By that logic, ThreeBlondeBoys, a working spouse could give a SAHP a curfew. Would that be acceptable?

I leave extra taxi money out for my Mum just in case it is more than she thought - and she does it for me. Just being practical, I think.

i can remember being 18 (although it was 23 years ago!) and my dad setting an 11pm curfew (these were the days when disco's started at 8pm and finished not so late about 12-1am).

this resulted in me leaving the disco alone at 10:30pm to make my way home, while my friends whose parents trusted them and treated them as adults stayed and enjoyed the evening. the result of this was I was leaving alone which in itself was risky, waiting in taxi tank alone with no friends to back me up and last but not least I hated my dad at that time as no matter how often I tried to explain the risks to him he refused to listen and said it was his house his rules.

think it is more approriate to talk/listen/teach your daughter about risks/repsonsibility and being safe and discussing/agreeing how she gets home than forcing an inappropriate curfew on an young adult.

I am very sorry if people have felt that I have been a bit argumentative. To be honest I did not realise that I had to answer all posts or be so detailed in my first message. I obviously misunderstood the poster who I thought was critisising my rules etc. But I did feel slightly attacked unecessarily. How do you suddenly decide when your child has become an adult and can suddenly decide when they get in? She is in full time education and does not work. I cant pick her up because of teh other childen and cant afford taxis. Sorry for the waffle. Is this too long?

taxi rank

Troll!!

Er no, a spouse isn't the same is it.

I expect she has some worries about how she safely gets home having been set upon before.
Has she sorted out safe routes with friends or any other strategies to be safe?
My daughters used to stay at friends houses if I couldnt collect them or they felt unsure about using public transport. All i asked was that I always got a txt message about their plans so I wasnt lying awake all night thinking something had happened to one of them.

sometimesgirl - do you think Lindax might be right and your DD is safer coming home with friends, rather than having to go home early on her own?

the sunshines brightly - I thought that too, she posted on my my thread earlier and I asked her to namechange as I felt hers was too close to mine, she told me to "jog on"

What does Troll mean?

i can understand if you ask your dd of 18 yrs to be in by 11pm. . . Whether she obliges is another matter. I know its for safety and in order to get her sleep if work or college the next day. My DD is 19 now and at Uni. It was very hard to get her to be in by 11pm. . .mostly impossible.

Good luck . . i hope your DD tows the line and is not too difficult.

YABVA she's 18 FGS!

You don't have to answer all posts - you would be driven demented very quickly that way! - but you do need to acknowledge that you have been given positive advice here.

And you have been guilty of what is called 'AIBU by stealth' by not revealing all the pertinent information in your OP (original post)

Your child is an adult, as she is 18. You shouldn't be trying to pick her up from her social events anyway, as she does have to develop her own independence. That said, I do understand that you would worry about her safety. My DS1 is 18, and I worry about him coming home if I know he will be travelling alone - which is why I suggested a taxi account. Yes, it's not going to be cheap, but it's better that than worrying about her walking home on her own.

We're lucky where we live as we have a good bus network, or access to the tube, but it's not always so easy.

If you can't afford a taxi, then you need to work out with your DD how she is going to get home after an evening out. Perhaps she could stay over with a friend if the only alternative is coming home on her own?

But the point is, she is no longer a child. To insist that she is in by 11 will only serve to alienate her. Work together to find a way that will satisfy both of you.

This also includes establishing the ground rules - e.g. if it's a school night, then she can't be out after a certain time, whereas at the weekend it can be different.

YABVU I mean

I am quite surprised Saturday girl by your response. I sort of thought you were half joking about the name change thing. If it is that much of an issue I will look in to chaanging my name. So that i can stop wasting time on replying to this when I could be continuing in trying to get genuine advice from supportive posters.