to think that my mother should respect my decisions re: DS and NOT over-rule me?

[cupcakesandbunting]

This might get a bit rambly and ranty so I apologise in advance.

I've made posts before regarding my mum who I think is a wee bit of a control freak at worst, a "nanny knows best" type at best Had an incident with her the other day which is still irritating me so just wanted to ask someone other than DH for some advice...

Mum and I took DS (3) to a local pub for an early dinner on tuesday. I told DS what the child options were (the usual kiddy-scram; chicken nuggets/fish fingers etc) but he saw gammon and chips on the menu and asked for that. I asked at the bar of they'd do a kid's portion but they wouldn't so I agreed that we'd order him a normal portion (very cheap before 7pm so didn't mind cost-wise) and we'd just pick at whatever he left.

Sooo, adult portion turns up for DS (DS eats a lot but is never still and is normal weight) and I immediately start removing excess food from the plate. My mum says "leave it, let him eat it all if he likes! He's been walking all day" So I left it just to avoid confrontation. Then mum's food arrives and she's ordered bread and butter on the side (she's greedy) and she starts buttering a piece of bread for DS. I said I didn't want more food piled onto his plate but she ignored me so then I snapped and said "can you please stop over-feeding my child!" She did this awful face like what I'd just said was terrible and said "he's not over-fed, he's not even fat!" To which i pointed out that maybe I've struggled with my weight for the last twelve years due to habits picked up through childhood and don't want DS picking up similar habits. She put the bread on his plate anyway.

This is just one example. She often overrides me whilst making a joke of it or if she does back down she will make a point of saying to DS "nanny will get shouted at by mummy if I let you do X,Y,Z." which pisses me off no end. I just feel like she has no respect for my decisions and I feel like a kid playing at being a parent when she's involved. I think I do a good job with DS on the whole. I don't feel like I need intervention from my mother.

FWIW she did a pretty shite job with my brother and I. She spoiled both of us and never disciplined us properly. Unfortunately in the case of my brother, it's come back to bite her on the arse.

Sorry for the ramble but could really use some advice on this one...

Unashamed bump.

YANBU - I hate the underhand to the child not you stuff too.
Maybe employ broken record 'if you can't be supportive and back me up don't say/do anything at all' type approach.

My mum is the same if it is any consolation and it also drives my DH nuts....luckily she lives 200 miles away. You will have to be quite blunt with her and tell her while you appreciate her advice(not), you will make your own decision about how to raise your children.

Unfortunately I don't have much advice for you, but it seems to be a fairly common thing that happens (in my world anyway). The one thing that really, REALLY bugs me is when adults speak to the child but to get at you - "They don't look after you here at all, you would starve only for me" (a little gem from my MIL).

So no useful advice, but you are not on your own

I think you have to calmly insist on doing things your way with your DS. Tell your mum that either she respects the decisions you make or she will be seeing less of her grandchild. It is not good for her to undermine you in front of your child as your child needs to respect what you say and this will not happen if she contradicts you all the time. Ask her to speak to you privately if she has a problem with a decision you have made.

YANBU - she's trying to undermine you. Can you limit contact with her?

In the situation you described above you should have just calmly taken the bread back off his plate without saying anything further to her to show your son that mummy's in charge.

I must say I feel in a similar situation to you. I can just picture the bread and butter scene!
My mum and nan both think Im too hard on my DS (4) so think its nice to 'spoil' him when he's stayed with them. And Ive heard the 'No, you can't have that because mummy will be cross with me' a couple of times. And they try to argue back in front of DS, which I think doesn't set the right message or do that awful thing of 'talking to the child but really talking to you' (Oh, isn't mummy being silly, its only a little icecream, isn't it?)

I think one of the problems is they really don't think they are doing anything wrong.
It backfired recently on me though...

They took him to Butlins for 5 days. I knew they don't eat very healthily, and spoil him with sweets, chocs and ice creams all day.
So I told them he'd had a problem going to the loo recently, and it was because he hadn't had enough fruit and veg, so please could they make sure he had some each day. I arrived there on the third day to a 'fruit diary' my nan had kept! The idiots had let him eat 4 oranges in one sitting one day! He was on the toilet a lot on his return.

I think the best thing is to try and get on the same opinion/level as her. I think my mum just basically thought I was an idiot before, and too strict, so I just try and not patronise her. I honestly think when she thinks Ive been rude to her, she 'punishes' me by giving DS chocolate or spoon feeding him when Ive asked not too.

Have you just tried a 'Mum, this is my son, I am the one to set the rules' Or just taking the bread and butter off his plate, and saying 'I said NO. I am his mother' If you can get her in line now, he won't remember the bit of turbulence it might take to get her trained up!

YANBU

I really don't think you can change her 'basic nature' and expect her not to make little comments (nanny will get shouted at etc) - but you can change specific things, one at a time! You can tell her that you will be deciding what DS eats when you are out and she is not to offer food/make commment or you will stop eating with her.

I think as you yourself have struggled so much with your weight due (largely/partly) to the way you were brought up by her, YANBU to take control of this with your DS. If she makes any comment about it - tell her why you feel it's necessary!!

Good luck!

Thankyou all for your advice so far. I definitely need to firm up on her. She does make it hard with the hurt feelings face she does when I am tough on her though.

Eek, DS is staying with her for an entire weekend next week whilst DH takes me to London for my 30th. I dread to think what DS's diet will be like! In the past I've sent him to hers with food that I've cooked to be re-heated (cottage pies/stews etc) and she will go "it's ok, nanny has some pizzas/sub-standard fish-fingers/ready-made lasagne in the freezer" and sends my stuff back!

Very happy to hear that others are struggling too with the same issue. Well, not happy, more relieved!

Sorry but I think you were being unreasonable to say this in front of your child.

If you have a problem with the amount of food she gives your son, then have a word quietly about it, away from him.

I'm not so sure it's fair to blame your mum for your weight problems as an adult.

If you really think she did such a bad job as a mother, why are you leaving your son with her for the whole weekend? And you are being unreasonable to send food along with him. That's very confrontational.

Belgo Probably shouldn't have said it in front of DS but I do find it hard to bite my tongue sometimes. Need to address this.

My mum has weight problems because of the way she was fed as a child. She projects this onto everyone else (not just me and DS) She has a best friend who is very slim and mum calls her "boring" and "dull" because she doesn't eat dessert every evening. I'm slowly breaking the habits I picked up from living with my mum (been living away from her for 7 years) but habits of over twenty years are hard to break. I've just learned about portion control (she will mock my smaller portions) and I've learned that happiness isn't an entire box of chocolates. It's difficult but I'm trying.

I'm leaving him with her because on the whole, she is a good granny. She tends to over-indulge DS which is the contentious issue here but she does have a good heart. And she is his grandmother after all. I just wish that my decisions were paramount.

YANBU to expect her not to undermine you, but YABU to force the issue in front of your DS (imo).

I let my Mum give DS whatever she wants when he's with her (she is also a 'feeder'). He sees her once a week, so I really don't think it'll do him any harm.

I certainly wouldn't have sent food along if she was having him to stay, as I think it would be seen as insulting.

However, I would calmly stand my ground if I felt really strongly about something.

Wrt to the 'isn't Mummy silly' comments, I have handled (MIL) in the past by calmly saying "If you have a criticism to make, please make it directly to me and don't invove DS". (Sweet smile).

that's the problem though isn't it, our decisions as parents are not paramount, they never have been. The upbringing of children are the result of not just parents but of wider family and society as a whole. I don't know where we get this idea from that we expect to control absolutely everything about our children.

As you say, is he's a lovely granny on the whole, and she may or may not have given you weight problems. Your ds will not grow up with eating problems if he his granny gives him a slightly too large portion every now and again. But he will pick up on tensions between you and your mother.

YANBU

She should respect your parenting.

I disagree about the confrontation in front of ds. She deliberately ignored you and did what she wanted. I would pull her up there and then otherwise I suspect she would continue in the future knowing you won't make a fuss in front of the child. She was in the wrong, not you.

Oops sorry didn't address the sending food issue; I started sending food with DS because my mum often comments that she's too tired to cook (which I guess is why processed foods play a huge part in her diet) so tbh I thought sending food with DS might be helping her out. After all, she is doing me a favour by looking after DS, I don;t expect her to cook too. So if re-heating my food is as easy as sticking a pre-made lasagne into the oven, why doesn't she just use my food? Because she likes to control what people eat. She does. DH has noticed it too.

And to be fair to myself, I did say that I didn't want DS to have the bread before I snapped...

belgo, ultimately, as a parent to my 3 dcs I get the final say on any decisions made. No compromise.

My children have good relationships with all their grandparents but when it comes to 'parenting' then i am in charge.

I'm not entirely sure that I'm BU in thinking that I am DS's mum therefore my decisions regarding raising of DS are more important than anyone elses? (Excluding DH, of course)

If you leave your child with his grandparents, then you do need to respect the way they are looking after your child. The odd frozen pizza etc isn't that bad; nor is an extra bit of bread on a plate, not if it's occasionally.

If you really want to say something, then do it calmly and without blame, because blaming her will only make her defensive and she won;t listen to you.

Extra bread on a plate is not a big deal but when the parent has explicitly said no, and is blatantly ignored, then it becomes a big deal.

Op, imo it sounds like a control and respect issue. I don't think yabu at all. Personally i would not tolerate this.

YANBU I know how you feel.
My mum looked after my DD when she was 3 , and one day had my DD's lovely long golden hair cut into a hideous Purdy bob.
Her cute little plaits were gone! My rage was compounded by helplessness as the evil deed was done.

from the granny's point of view she could argue that she was being disrespected regarding the piece of bread.

I really dislike this attitude of criticising the granny for being 'greedy' for wanting bread with her meal.

YANBU I know how you feel.
My mum looked after my DD when she was 3 , and one day had my DD's lovely long golden hair cut into a hideous Purdy bob.
Her cute little plaits were gone! My rage was compounded by helplessness as the evil deed was done.

cutting a little girl's hair short is completely different to giving a child an extra bit of bread with his meal.

That is the point though belgo. As the parent, cupcakes makes that decision, not her mum.

It isn't the grannys place to give the bread after the childs mother has said no.