to think that my mother should respect my decisions re: DS and NOT over-rule me?

[cupcakesandbunting]

This might get a bit rambly and ranty so I apologise in advance.

I've made posts before regarding my mum who I think is a wee bit of a control freak at worst, a "nanny knows best" type at best Had an incident with her the other day which is still irritating me so just wanted to ask someone other than DH for some advice...

Mum and I took DS (3) to a local pub for an early dinner on tuesday. I told DS what the child options were (the usual kiddy-scram; chicken nuggets/fish fingers etc) but he saw gammon and chips on the menu and asked for that. I asked at the bar of they'd do a kid's portion but they wouldn't so I agreed that we'd order him a normal portion (very cheap before 7pm so didn't mind cost-wise) and we'd just pick at whatever he left.

Sooo, adult portion turns up for DS (DS eats a lot but is never still and is normal weight) and I immediately start removing excess food from the plate. My mum says "leave it, let him eat it all if he likes! He's been walking all day" So I left it just to avoid confrontation. Then mum's food arrives and she's ordered bread and butter on the side (she's greedy) and she starts buttering a piece of bread for DS. I said I didn't want more food piled onto his plate but she ignored me so then I snapped and said "can you please stop over-feeding my child!" She did this awful face like what I'd just said was terrible and said "he's not over-fed, he's not even fat!" To which i pointed out that maybe I've struggled with my weight for the last twelve years due to habits picked up through childhood and don't want DS picking up similar habits. She put the bread on his plate anyway.

This is just one example. She often overrides me whilst making a joke of it or if she does back down she will make a point of saying to DS "nanny will get shouted at by mummy if I let you do X,Y,Z." which pisses me off no end. I just feel like she has no respect for my decisions and I feel like a kid playing at being a parent when she's involved. I think I do a good job with DS on the whole. I don't feel like I need intervention from my mother.

FWIW she did a pretty shite job with my brother and I. She spoiled both of us and never disciplined us properly. Unfortunately in the case of my brother, it's come back to bite her on the arse.

Sorry for the ramble but could really use some advice on this one...

YANBU.

An adult-sized portion of gammon and chips in a pub is ma-hoo-sive. I wouldn't be able to eat all of it myself, let alone expect a 3 year old to. I think it's important to get used to correct-sized portions, and I really think portion size is a massive factor in why so many people are overweight. If you think about it, a pub meal is supposed to be enough to satisfy the biggest, hungriest man as that is potentially who may be eating it - better to serve too much food than too little.

I also don't think you ABU to send food with him to her house. Yeah it may hurt her feelings, but frozen lasagnes etc. are so full of crap and as you say SO much salt, it is actually quite shocking and even worse for a small child.

You're his mother, you get the final say and FWIW you have a far better idea about his health than she does

"Time to develop a social life that doesn't include your mother. Stop going out for meals with her. Become more independant."

I'm shuddering here at the thought that people might think that my social life revolves around mum. I have a nice social life and enough mates but do try and make time to socialise with family too.

It's not about the food, it's about the undermining you in front of your child isn't it? I have had exactly the same thing with my mum and also the lack of discipline etc when me and my brother were young. Very similar situation. I have just come out of a huge month long bust up with my mum which was over a terribly trivial thing but it was really about the underlying factors. She also gets mortally offended and upset by any sort or criticism or even just talking about things in general. She just cries and refuses to talk.
However, after this latest episode she has been so much better and I think honesty may be the best policy to move forward, although it may cause a row at the time. Good luck

The reason I commented on you seeing less of your mum was because you said that your child was getting "nanny spoiled" when with you and when with your mum, which did make it sound as though you ate without your mum. My kids just saw my parents occasionally (and then usually both together, you and your mum sounded like there were no men in your lives) but usually ate with their dad and I when young so relatives having different views on food was a minor thing. Having said that my parents were sensible with food, giving small portions, no food before meals and no pudding if you don't eat your dinner rule, much like me.

Should have wrote that it sounded as though you rarely ate without your mum.