to think that my mother should respect my decisions re: DS and NOT over-rule me?

[cupcakesandbunting]

This might get a bit rambly and ranty so I apologise in advance.

I've made posts before regarding my mum who I think is a wee bit of a control freak at worst, a "nanny knows best" type at best Had an incident with her the other day which is still irritating me so just wanted to ask someone other than DH for some advice...

Mum and I took DS (3) to a local pub for an early dinner on tuesday. I told DS what the child options were (the usual kiddy-scram; chicken nuggets/fish fingers etc) but he saw gammon and chips on the menu and asked for that. I asked at the bar of they'd do a kid's portion but they wouldn't so I agreed that we'd order him a normal portion (very cheap before 7pm so didn't mind cost-wise) and we'd just pick at whatever he left.

Sooo, adult portion turns up for DS (DS eats a lot but is never still and is normal weight) and I immediately start removing excess food from the plate. My mum says "leave it, let him eat it all if he likes! He's been walking all day" So I left it just to avoid confrontation. Then mum's food arrives and she's ordered bread and butter on the side (she's greedy) and she starts buttering a piece of bread for DS. I said I didn't want more food piled onto his plate but she ignored me so then I snapped and said "can you please stop over-feeding my child!" She did this awful face like what I'd just said was terrible and said "he's not over-fed, he's not even fat!" To which i pointed out that maybe I've struggled with my weight for the last twelve years due to habits picked up through childhood and don't want DS picking up similar habits. She put the bread on his plate anyway.

This is just one example. She often overrides me whilst making a joke of it or if she does back down she will make a point of saying to DS "nanny will get shouted at by mummy if I let you do X,Y,Z." which pisses me off no end. I just feel like she has no respect for my decisions and I feel like a kid playing at being a parent when she's involved. I think I do a good job with DS on the whole. I don't feel like I need intervention from my mother.

FWIW she did a pretty shite job with my brother and I. She spoiled both of us and never disciplined us properly. Unfortunately in the case of my brother, it's come back to bite her on the arse.

Sorry for the ramble but could really use some advice on this one...

YANBU - she is still 'parenting you' (badly), treating you like a kid & not listening to you or respecting your decisions.

COLLIECROSS crikey that is dreadful. Why would ANYONE feel they could cut a kids hair without express permission from parents? My heart beat faster momentarily just reading your post!

saying no to a piece of bread is petty. I don't blame the granny for still wanting to give it. Cupcakes obviously has an issue with her mother's 'greediness' - which is an awful, insulting word to use about your own mother.

Hmmmmm. YANBU to be annoyed at being undermined, but as far as the issues with food/control go, you both sound as bad as each other.

I think it would be different if the child was staying with the grandparent without the parent - then you would have to expect that the GP would have some input and not necessarily follow every wish.

HOWEVER having said that I was sent to stay with GP's for weeks & weeks every summer as a child. And every time I went there a normal sized child & returned fat. I'd lose most of the weight during the year just for the cycle to be repeated. Dreadful! My Mum did nothing about it. I would not accept this happening with my child. I've gone on to have weight issues to this day many of which stem from being overfed by GP's - you are not being unreasonable to object to 'overfeeding'.

As for commenting in front of DS, perhaps it's not perfect, but sometimes things just need to be said.

Giving the bread after the parent has said no is not just even more petty but downright rude and undermining.

The child already had an adults portion of food in front of him. Certainly not petty for his mother to refuse him bread and butter too.

I think it depends on how often this is happening though, Downdog. Clearly overfeeding over the hols is not good. But an occasional blow out when eating en famille in a pub (so I'm guessing not an everyday event) is absolutely fine, I'd go as far as to say that it's healthy in that it shows a relaxed attitude to food.

agree with belgo.

i am laid back regarding food.yes i do have a weight problem, but i dont want to project issues onto dd's. yesterday dd4, 19months old polished off a big kids portion of pizza hut spag bol, and a slice on garlic brread. it was a fair amount, but when she is restricted dietry wise due to allergies, if i find something she can eat when out and about apart from a plate of chips, and she is enjoying it, then she can have iyswim.

i would've let him decide how much to eat of the gammon, bread etc and the removed any left at the end.

YANBU to not want Mother to undermine you. But it's normal for Grandparents to spoil their Grandchildren. One piece ofbread wouldn't have hurt your DS and it was rude of you to say that in front of your child. Also it's a bit insulting to your Mum to ask her to look after your DS for the weekend and then provide all his food and not trust her to feed him properly. Having chips and pizza occansionly won't hurt him.

I wonder why you started to remove the "excess" for from your son´s plate-and where were you putting it?

If he didn´t want it, he wouldn´t eat it.

It sounds as if you are both projecting onto your poor son tbh.

But I do agree that once you said no that should be it.

But ye Gods, a whole drama about a slice of bread & butter!

Could you not just have asked her to leave it on the side plate & your son would have it if he wanted?

I sent food with my dc's when my gran had them in the school hols. Not because I am anal about food (far from it!) but to help with costs of feeding 2 extra mouths. I just sent generic things that everyone could enjoy plus some nice joints of meat that could be frozen or whatever.

It was my way of ensuring that my grandapents wouldn't be out of pocket by helping me. They refused cash so this was I way i could 'pay' them.

Very thoughtful and a good idea to send food for the whole family to help with the cost; but let's face it, the Op isn't sending food to help with the cost, she's sending it because she thinks the granny's frozen lasagnes aren't good enough.

Too right I don't think they're good enough! They're never reduced salt (in a quarter of one of these lasagnes is 19g of salt. Mum gives DS half!), always the cheapest option going and generally full of crap. I don't think that being concerned that my child will ingest over a week's recommended salt allowance in one sitting makes me a crap parent.

Diddl: nothing wrong with take food off a plate. I always ask for a second plate whenever we are out for a meal with DD (5). The portions she can be given, even when having a child's meal, can be totally off-putting for her.

Sorry to say, but YABU about the specific incident mentioned. A bit of extra food occasionally will not kill your DS (unless you leave him with your mother on a regular basis). All you needed to say was, "DS, have as much of your main as you would like and then you can have some bread afterwards if you're still hungry". Simple. No offence caused on either side and your DS doesn't pick up negative associations regarding food and/or the relationship between his mother and grandmother.

In general, I do believe that as his mother, you have the final say and should not be undermined. However, the time he gets alone with his grandmother, as long as she does not put him in any immediate danger, is their time and YABEverSoSlightlyU (and, dare I say, passive aggressive) in sending him with your own food to your mother's.

mm - I can understand how annoying being overruled is - my mil does it HOWEVER your comments about her being greedy etc suggest that this is more about your issues with your feelings about your weight then hers - you look down on her eating habits quite clearly - fwiw I am not fat but I like bread and butter with my meals. This does not make me greedy. I will also on a meal out allow my son to eat what HE wants to then let him stop when ready - he is not overweight at all. I think you overreacted because this is obviously a big deal for you. Your mother may have given you the wrong messages re: food but you do know that that isnt lack of love dont you - normally feeders show their love through food.

Caurnie, I think that Diddl might have been insinuating that the excess food was going onto my plate. It wasn't. It was going onto a side plate that had had my side of vegetables on it.

My mum is greedy. I know her. On this day in particular, she opted to have three course for a tenner, then said that she was full after her first two courses and bread but said that she would eat her dessert anyway. She admits that she is greedy.

diddl didnt appear to be saying any such thing AT ALL which shows how much of an issue this is for you - you are coming across as VERY concerned that now we think YOU are greedy - this isnt about your mum this is about your food issues and perhaps she is tied into that but you really need to get a handle on it because you are projecting it onto your son and it isnt healthy.

Three courses plus bread isnt greedy. Its enjoying the meal you have paid for. Food is for enjoying and perhaps she said that because she feels she has to make excuses for her enjoyment and appetite in front of a daughter who clearly looks down on it. I would never refer to my mum as greedy. Its a horrible thing to say.

OP-I wasn´t insinuating that the food was going on to your plate.

You were taking food off your son´s plate-therefore controlling what he could eat.

You are as bad as your mum imo.

Unless a full plate completely puts your son off eating.

I think YABU to have spats with your mother about food/being fat/your weight issues in front of your child and it sounds very much as if you are trying to get back at her for her short comings. You need to find a way to resolve your issues with your mum away from your son - poor little lad must have been completely bewildered.

I am going through a similar thing with my mum.

My mum lives on the way to school and my sister goes to the same school every morning she gives my ds crisps and pop. I asked her the other day not to and she said ok but My little girl has not eaten much for breakfast and had no drink so I am giving them to her. Then gave them to my little sister and said to ds when he asked 'mummy said no'.

The only way I have found to combat this is I take my own fruit juice or milk for ds and a box of raisins. But it is still really annoying because he walks much slower when eating so this makes him late .

We have had 5 major arguments in front of the dc on the way to school and as soon as I shout back after she sais FGS a pack of crisps won't kill him' then her nerves are to bad for this. I have started walking my dog to school so I have to leave early because I don't want to argue in front of ds and my sister.

As for your mum being greedy, maybe she is.

I have never ordered bread & butter, but if I order a 3 course meal, I´ll eat the pudding even if I´m feeling full.

I don´t call that greedy-just eating what you´ve paid for!

Blimey Slushy that's sounds dreadful. Poor you!

I honestly would not mind if it was once a week but not everyday. MIL always brings crisps up for ds and asks if he can have them (one of her few good point) before he sees I always say yes and genuinely don't mind. Grandparents should spoil gc but there are limits.