to think that my mother should respect my decisions re: DS and NOT over-rule me?

[cupcakesandbunting]

This might get a bit rambly and ranty so I apologise in advance.

I've made posts before regarding my mum who I think is a wee bit of a control freak at worst, a "nanny knows best" type at best Had an incident with her the other day which is still irritating me so just wanted to ask someone other than DH for some advice...

Mum and I took DS (3) to a local pub for an early dinner on tuesday. I told DS what the child options were (the usual kiddy-scram; chicken nuggets/fish fingers etc) but he saw gammon and chips on the menu and asked for that. I asked at the bar of they'd do a kid's portion but they wouldn't so I agreed that we'd order him a normal portion (very cheap before 7pm so didn't mind cost-wise) and we'd just pick at whatever he left.

Sooo, adult portion turns up for DS (DS eats a lot but is never still and is normal weight) and I immediately start removing excess food from the plate. My mum says "leave it, let him eat it all if he likes! He's been walking all day" So I left it just to avoid confrontation. Then mum's food arrives and she's ordered bread and butter on the side (she's greedy) and she starts buttering a piece of bread for DS. I said I didn't want more food piled onto his plate but she ignored me so then I snapped and said "can you please stop over-feeding my child!" She did this awful face like what I'd just said was terrible and said "he's not over-fed, he's not even fat!" To which i pointed out that maybe I've struggled with my weight for the last twelve years due to habits picked up through childhood and don't want DS picking up similar habits. She put the bread on his plate anyway.

This is just one example. She often overrides me whilst making a joke of it or if she does back down she will make a point of saying to DS "nanny will get shouted at by mummy if I let you do X,Y,Z." which pisses me off no end. I just feel like she has no respect for my decisions and I feel like a kid playing at being a parent when she's involved. I think I do a good job with DS on the whole. I don't feel like I need intervention from my mother.

FWIW she did a pretty shite job with my brother and I. She spoiled both of us and never disciplined us properly. Unfortunately in the case of my brother, it's come back to bite her on the arse.

Sorry for the ramble but could really use some advice on this one...

slushy that sounds dreadful and I dont know how I would deal with that but I dont think it is the same- a little bread and butter on a meal out is not the same as crisps and crap on the way too school everyday (how wierd is it that in my day that was quite normal)

I know prettyfly in my day it was quite normal too remember having 50pence for the shop on the way to school.

I assumed as the ops mother made a big deal and pulled the op up twice in the space of a hour meal that these events were commonplace.

I know - I used to feel left out cause my mum wouldnt give me any preferring a healthy breakfast and homemade lunch (goddamn the selfish withc [sceptical])

I suspect they probably are but I suspect this is a battleground that they are as bad as one another on - its just a bit of bread fgs, and in my opinion clearing your childs plate before they have eaten is foolish. Ops mum should have spoken to her away from the child but op does look down on her mum and seems to have some very strong issues with food and appearing "greedy" to the extent of reading too much even in to innocuous posts. If she is that sensitive here where there was NO suggestion at all of such a thing, how much worse is she in rl with someone she has big issues with. I really dont think its the same.

witch - rats!

I can really sympathise with you. My mother lives in Spain and has done so since my son was a baby. Whenever she comes over she just takes over, calling him 'my baby', making sure that she is the one who puts him to bed (she stays with me when she comes over), ignoring what I say completely and saying charming things like 'don't listen to mummy, you know what she is like' to him. He is five now and to be honest it really gets on my tits.

I'm not sure this is about the food, it sounds like there is more to it than that. I just find that sometimes it's easier to let my mother have her own way because at the end of the day she doesn't see him that often. It would be different if she were here all of the time.

Are you able to look her in the eye and say "This is MY son and I will parent him as I see fit. If I want your advice or opinion I will ask for it but if you do not stop undermining me then it is going to be difficult for me to allow you to remain in his life."

I think she needs a short sharp shock, tbh.

Or you could try the more gentle "You did a good job raising me to be a person who can in turn raise their own child. I need you to respect me as a parent."

YABU. It sounds like you are spending way to much time and energy thinking about what your DS is eating. Taking food off his plate is a bit odd, IMO, and this sort of fussing is likely to lead to as many food issues as you seem to have. As for the bread, that just sounds like a grandmother wanting to share her food with him, just to be involved. It's the sort of thing that my mil would do. I don't really understand why and it is slightly irritating but certainly not worth commenting on, let alone fighting about.

too much time

I hope some of you remember these controlling and overbearing attitudes when you are grandparents.

I'm at this - completely agree with belgo. FWIW, I think grandparents are there to spoil their grandchildren and to give them treats. My granny used to give me sugar sandwiches!! OP seriously, take a step back and look at this afresh. Your DS having a good relationship with your mum is paramount - if the way she feeds him when he stays with her is substandard or too salty or whatever, it really doesn't matter.

Becky36 - does it matter if she takes over when she stays with you? Really?? It's not like she lives round the corner and is dominating your life every day, she's just trying to cram months worth of grandparenting into a short space of time.

This all makes me feel quite actually. I have such happy memories of being indulged by my grandparents.

FWIW, I think I've finally got a handle on my issues with food. I've been on W/Watchers for 5 years and have finally learned portion control/everything in moderation/treats when they've been earned. I might be controlling over what DS eats but he's three. If I left it to him to choose his food, he'd live off Quavers and ice-lollies! I'm really aware of not pushing my issues onto DS and he sees me tucking into treats/big bowls of pasta. I just think that it should be for me to decide when too much is too much.

I have no problems with mum spoling DS, just don't see why it needs to be food-based spoiling. Why can it not be spoiling him by taking him for a trip to the park? MIL always has a huge box of strawberries waiting for him at hers, which he loves. My mum says that fruit is boring and he'd prefer a piece of cake (when actually it's her that would prefer him to have the cake!)

BTW, mum telephoned me last night and said that she'd bought a pack of four belgian buns from the supermarket and eaten the lot in the car on the way home. I'm definitely not making the greedy thing up!

yanbu. Tell her to mind her own business.

YANBU and I can't believe that some seem to think the whole issue is bread and butter here. There seems to be a much bigger communication problem between you and your mum and when that's the case, the smallest thing can become huge. I agree with a PP who said your mother is still trying to parent you now but you are an adult capable of making any decisions you deem necessary, especially regarding your child. Belgo thinks you are insulting your mother. I think she is insulting you.

I think taking food off your son's plate is fine if you had agreed you and he were to share the food as you wouldn't wantto have a cold meal. If you had ordered a meal for yourself then it sounds unnecessary if he isn't obese. I wouldn't have wanted him filling up on bread and butter if he already had a meal so would have said no to that though.
I agree your mum shouldn't be undermining your parenting decisions though in front of your son. I would have a private work with her about this.
Are you maybe seeing too much of her?

My Mum is similar when it comes to food, but I am sure she thinks she did alright bringing me up so why does it seem like she keeps getting it wrong as far as my DD is concerned. I have serious weight issues and I am sure that a combo of my grandmothers and my mum when I was growing up has contributed to this. My Great Grandma fed me so much when I was staying with her one summer. HUge portions given with emmense pressure to finish everything on the plate. I used to take myself off and make myself puke after dinner. In contrast when at home my folks were skint so we ate everything given.
You can only control it so much though-when your child is with them you have to let them do what they do otherwise you cant let them take care of them. You can only advise as to the way you do it. I am very careful when it comes to my childs feeding/eating habits. I try to give her veg everyday and I will give her healthy portion sizes for a child and if she doesn't eat then no big deal. As long as you are doing it your way the majority of the time then a few days of grandma feeding him innapropriate food is not going to make much difference.

I'm not the best at portion control for myself, but am trying a different tractic with my DSs. DS1 gets food on his plate, and has to have a 'sufficient' amount before he gets pudding (fruit or yoghurt usually but occasionally a cupcake or some such). I refuse to make him 'clear his plate' which is what my parents always tried to do (and then putting 2nds on your plate if you do finish what is on there ). That is what leads to people not knowing when they are full, knowing when you are full is a much better version of portion control IMO.

However if he has chips or mash potato I insist he alternates a bite of meat with with any mouthful of chip or potato otherwise he will fill up on chips without eating any meat. Vegetables - they're another issue altogether!!!!! We'll eventually get there (DS is 3).

The rest of my family - all I can say is thank heavens they live on the other side of the world. They are always trying to give them soft drinks and sweets when we visit. Drives me up the wall - what 5 month old needs to sip some coke?????!!!!!!

The bread & butter incident is just a symptom here and it's getting too much direct attention, do you not think?

The real issue is about some quite complex food issues as between CC&B and her mother, complex enough to be flashpoints for both - particularly CC&B's mother, who sounds as if she has some sort of compulsion to wind CC&B up around these issues and simply is unable to let it go. That being the case, here is my suggestion:

• that if CC&B sends her ds to stay for the week, CC&B has to make a conscious, deliberate, decision Not To Mind what ds gets fed for that week. It will not damage him in the long run, I promise, even if there is a bit of getting back on track to do afterwards; and

• that CC&B makes another conscious, deliberate decision to minimise combining her mother with food - so if you have outings together, they are to the park (eg) and involve picnics at most.

In sum - I think CC&B's mother is in some I would say not fully self-controllable way compelled to score points off CC&B where food is concerned - so overall I would say CC&B needs a bigger strategy here, which is, as far as you are able, to take food out of the equation of the relationship altogether.

That sounds sensible.

I'm glad that some of you can see that my issue wasn't simply bread and butter (love butter myself) but rather something a bit more deep rooted.

I'm not so much bothered about what will happen when he stays with her next weekend but I will mention to her that if possible, I'd like him to eat some fuit or veg' at some point in addition to what she will be giving him. I think that's reasonable?

I do think that if she just let me run the show my way when DS is under my care, I'd be more relaxed about how she runs things when she's in charge IYSWIM. As it is, he's getting "nanny spoiled" when he's with his mum AND when he's with his nan!

'I do think that if she just let me run the show my way when DS is under my care, I'd be more relaxed about how she runs things when she's in charge IYSWIM. As it is, he's getting "nanny spoiled" when he's with his mum AND when he's with his nan!'

Tell her that...be honest (non confrontational) with her about how you feel and how you want to bring up your son..tell her you appreciate her...but you want to have the last say when it comes to meals when you are together...do you think that would work?

Mumcentre, I've tried this approach and she does this face that says "you've just hurt me unimaginably" then proceeds to tell DS that mummy is the thing standing between him and that second huge wedge of cake. I've even tried to praise MIL when mum has been there for not giving into him when he asks for food to see if she might get the hint but doesn't work.

sorry to hear that cupcake...you might hsave to avoid eating out with your mum if thats how she reacts...perhaps even bringing a packed lunch or snacks for your DS..

I feel for you cupcakes, I really do.

I was brought up in much the same way with regards to food, although thankfully I preferred fruit to cake until fruit got too expensive for us to manage much variety. My mother still has major problems with portion control and it's taken 8 years away to get portioning right 75-80% of the time.

This is my mothers typical stew

3lb beef
5 carrots
1 large swede
1lb potatoes
3 huge onions
Leeks if she can get them reasonably priced
plus loads of stock

then she makes about 3 dumplings each to end with.

This feeds 5 adults. Admittedly there is a small portion left over which she will have amother time, but the pot she uses is huge!

If I was cooking that it would do 6 adults and 1 child for 1 meal plus generous leftovers for the following night.

It is very wearing having to fight with your mother over what is a decent size dinner but luckily we seem to get on better and she lets me dish up now so people don't leave feeling like they want to throw up they've eaten so much.

I hope you do manage to talk to her with your ds not present- she will have no reason to make snidey comments then.

If my mum said that sort of thing to my kids I'd be telling her firmly that I was hurt by her undermining me. Also she can only affect your kids eating when with you if you keep going out for meals with her. You are an adult and parent now. Time to develop a social life that doesn't include your mother. Stop going out for meals with her. Become more independant.