to expect my frends to know that toddlers Do bite and hit other children?

[busygirl]

i mean shes 2 and i always tell her off/put on time out when she does bite but i have friend that comes to me "oh,look at this bite on my boy,look at this sign from last time etc when i already put her on time out...or she told me i need to be careful or she'll grow up selfish(as there's a lot of fighting over her toys!your opinion?im obviously very sorry that her boy get bitten but i cant follow my dd around all the time?

Btw they are as I said 6 now and in the same class at school and best of friends

as i said in my posts my dd get punished(eg time out)AND has to say sorry...would you pls read carefully before you post??never said she just say sorry and everything is fine...pls,READ!

My DS1 was a shover, for a protracted phase, and quite often shoved other children (right over, many times) and made them cry. It was utterly mortifying, and I spent all my time at toddler groups shadowing him round. I never got to sit and have a cup of tea and chat with other mums. It was a difficult time, but that's what I felt I had to do. Friends tried to reassure that "they all do it" but I wasn't prepared to use that as an excuse.

However, I do have some sympathy with the OP - I know it's horrible to see your child bitten/hit etc (both my DSs have, of course, been on the receiving end too), but I would have been very upset if a friend of mine had banged on about the fact that her child had been hit/bitten etc when appropriate action had been taken. What's the point? To make the OP feel like shit? What's that going to achieve? I left toddler groups in tears many time because DS1 had been so awful and I felt so ashamed and that everyone was judging me (seems I might have been right...) - I would have been really upset by reiteration of what had happened by another mum, to no good end that I can see. I would never do that to another mum, as I can't see the point of making them feel even more crap about what's happened.

my DD bit twice,once at two she bit her baby sister,when she was in fact angry and frustrated with me.I was very cross,but later I could see why,and the second time at four.A friend of hers was holding onto her really tight and wouldn't let go,and in the end DD bit her on the arm,she said she didn't know what else to do to make her let go.The parents were really,really annoyed and it did damage our friendship with them for a while,as although I apologised profusely and I explained to DD in strong terms that she must never do it again,they didn't see that their child had any part in it at all,and that was hard to me and for DD,who was very sorry to have hurt her friend,but cross at being gripped in a bear hug and not listened to.I think most children bite on occasion,and it isn't always completely one sided.Some children (my own included)do sometimes like to provoke until they get an extreme reaction.

My son bit a kid who was strangling him to make him let go when he was about 10, Hully. The school refused to punish the other boy but made a big hoo ha about the biting. They saw it as vicious and animalistic, I think. I was quite peeved that the other child, who started the whole thing and was determined to have a fight, was somehow transformed into the victim...

YADBU.

I agree not all DCs bite. FWIW My DS has never bitten another child although he has been bitten. He was 18mths at nursery (lived abroad at the time) and the teacher was SO apologetic I had to resist the urge not to laugh. Not at DS as obviously he had a bruise but at the teachers reaction of 'shock' that this should happen. DS pushes when people are 'in his face' so I have to intervene when a child is shouting at him even now at 5.10 to help him find the words to explain how they are making him feel or that he can play what he wants or he panicks and pushes. So its not just toddlers and its not a normal phase.

Toddlers can bite, kick, hit, push etc as they learn to communicate in other and more appropriate ways. You do need to follow DD around as she will not learn how to 'resist the urge to bite' unless you are there to step in and show her a better way to deal with the situation.

YANBU - My little boy was a biter, he was prolific for a while. It was a phase which has now passed thank god. I had to follow him everywhere and the vast majority of the time could intervene before he managed to do it. There were times when he would manage to bite before I could get there. I always disciplined immediately and would usually leave the playgroup, soft play etc after it had happened. I always apologised profusely to the bitee and their parents. I have had some really bad reactions from parents, and I can understand that it's very upsetting... but I would never react that way. I have even been told I'm not fit to be a mother!

My older DD has never, ever bitten, but she got bitten at nursery twice on the face just before her first birthday. Her 1st birthday photos feature her with one side of her face black and blue. The main thing for me was that she was ok and although it looked bad she got over it very quickly and was her happy little self. I would never have dreamed of accusing the biter's parents of crap parenting, or implying that their child was a bad person. Yet I hadn't even experienced being the parent of a biter at that stage!

All children are different, and the vast majority of us are doing the best we can. Some of us get children who are more aggressive than others. It would be nice if parents could be a bit more tolerant towards each other.

my ds2 bit a child in the park about 2 weeks ago - it was awful. I was threatened by the dad, and it was mortifying.

I do not leave him alone for a second now. I am the ultimate helicopter parent. I do think that the other dad (in my case) over-reacted massively. But I would be being negligent I think if I didn't follow ds2 around like a erm hawk. (he is still pretty quick and it takes a second for him to sink his teeth in, but we haven't had anymore incidents since then - not for lack of trying though).

I find every outing very stressful, and there is certainly no chance for me to sit down and rest/chat to other parents.

autodidact - exact same thing happened to me but I bit the girl whos arm was round my neck as I opened my mouth to scream but couldn't as I couldn't breathe. School were going to punished me for 'biting' until my mum threatened to call the police for attempted murder . I was 10 at the time too and a very very passive child.

The thing is, even if you follow them round all the time, they will still bite (unless you are physically restraining them 24/7). The OP has said she deals with the biting and disciplines her dd as and when it happens, it's not as if she's just ignoring it. So what good does the following round actually DO - is is just to show other parents that you are dealing with it?

well it gives you the opportunity to stop the biting before it happens dancergirl.

Yes thats just the point ...other parents like it or not when it is their child being bitten DO need to see that the parent in question IS doing all they can, and one way to do that in my eyes is to constantly follow. The fact that you may not be able to sit and chat is all part of dealing with it ...sorry but the truth. Then again to use a well known mn phrase "this too shall pass" and soon enough playground, playgroup time etc will be more relaxing.

And as Pollyanna says you will be able to see a situation arising and nip it in the bud (i know i know )

ut her "discipline" isn't appropriate for a child of two which is why it isn't working...

Pollyanna - I don't think you can prevent it. My dd3 used to bite and it would happen in a split second.

strange thing is it doesn't usually happens a playgroups,more if is only her and another child especially in her own house...anyone had the same?thanks for the advices,im trying to follow her around more to see if it makes it better.

They all have different personalities and therefore failings:
I can honestly say that DD (age 3) has never bitten, hit or pushed anyone in her life but on the other hand sometimes I am ashamed of the fact that she is a total wuss. Trembles like a leaf at the prospect of going on a bouncy castle or eating a new food. I don't pat myself on the back that she's not aggressive and I try not to beat myself up that she's a whinger. On the other hand to see your child get badly hurt and upset it does push your buttons.

At a soft play place the other day a little boy dragged DD off the chair she was sitting on by the hair totally unprovoked and out of the blue. To be fair the father arrived at speed to pull him off and was suitably apologetic. What I said was 'nevermind, can't be helped' what I felt was 'Raaaahhhh!'

If I was your friend I hope I wouldn't engage in snidey comments but I might decide to see you less often.

busygirl, not with the biting, but DD was very troublesome at that age when children came to play at her house. She could happily share at playgroups and nursery but as soon as someone "invaded" her space she because really stroppy.
Maybe you should only meet this friend on neutral territory like the park...

Maybe just try to avoid the situations that provoke it. Agree to only meet up out of your house for a while. It could be just jealousy, not wanting to share. DD had a phase where she would just burst into floods of tears if other kids touched her toy pram so I just put it away if anyone came over. Maybe your DD is just more proactive about guarding her stuff!