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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave dd alone in the house?

41 replies

funkychunkymunky · 17/06/2010 22:01

DH and I are going to the neighbour's house tomorrow night for a bbq. The house is next door to ours. My DD is 7 months old and refuses to sleep anywhere but her cot on a night.
My DH wants to put her to bed as usual and go to the bbq with the baby monitor. We can see her bedroom window from the neighbour's garden and would actually only be about 6 metres away from where we would be sitting if we were in our own back garden.
The doors would be locked, we would be able to hear smoke alarm etc through monitor.

Just something makes me feel a bit uneasy... I'm pretty sure I wouldn't feel like that if there was a gate between our gardens so why should I be bothered when there isn't?

I have said to DH that I definitely won't go in their house to watch the match.If everyone goes in then I will watch it in my own home and come back after when everyone is back in the garden. I would feel really uncomfortable otherwise.

WWYD? To leave or not to leave?

OP posts:

Sidge · 17/06/2010 22:04

I wouldn't.

SloanyPony · 17/06/2010 22:06

Nope, I wouldn't, not because I think for a second that anything would go wrong, its unlikely it would (with a monitor and a bit of common sense, anyway). Its just that you can't quite relax, and there will be someone who judges you for it and it just makes the whole thing a bit of a taboo.

The fact that its a dilemma for you kind of decides it for you.

piscesmoon · 17/06/2010 22:06

I wouldn't do it-just take her with you-she will sleep if she gets tired enough.

Maylee · 17/06/2010 22:08

Although it's highly unlikely that anything would happen to your baby, I'm not sure I'd do it either. Think your use of the word "uneasy" sums it up appropriately. It's more a feeling rather than a rationale, logical decision....

percythehamster · 17/06/2010 22:08

Funnily enough when my dd was exactly the same age we had the exact same situation - bbq next door (attached semi), could see her room, had the monitor on and back door open just in case... we did do it but I was so uneasy the whole time. She was of course fine but it is you judging yourself and wondering what everyone else at the party thinks... you'll know yourself. At the end of the day you could live in a large house with a large garden and be further away and somehow that would seem ok, why? I give you the full go-ahead but suspect that the very fact you are worried enough to post it on here probably means you're the same as me and won't relax. You are your harshest judge :-(
All the best x

claireb1974 · 17/06/2010 22:09

do you have a panelled fence inbetween your gardens? if so could you not remove a panel? you say you would feel ok about this if there was a gate so this is an alternative. and really it would only be like sitting in your own garden for the distance it will be.

wannaBe · 17/06/2010 22:10

no.

isitnearlywineoclock · 17/06/2010 22:11

Ooh, not sure. We have done this but only twice and with much older children - DD was about 5, DS 7. Both knew where we were (next door), knew where their end of the monitor was and we had practised using it as a walkie talkie. Don't know that I'd do it with such a young baby but if you do I'd take it in turns to pop back every half an hour to check her.

Original poster

funkychunkymunky · 17/06/2010 22:11

I was thinking that it might be a better to bath and feed her as normal then put her to sleep in her pram. That way I could keep the hood over and put her in a quiet corner of the garden to sleep. Then I could put her in the neighbours kitchen, in her pram, while we watch the match. I think I'd be more comfortable that way but DH thinks I am being OTT.

OP posts:

Sanesometimes1 · 17/06/2010 22:14

Sorry but have to agree with allthe others - although it will more than likely be ok it's just not right somehow ! take her with you in her buggy as picesmoon said she will sleep when she's tired enough ! it can be the start of many family evenings together ! enjoy ! xx

radioblahblah · 17/06/2010 22:16

i think even if there is nothing logical making it a problem the fact is that you feel uneasy about it. don't put yourself through it. you don't have to explain yourself to anyone.

Madinitials · 17/06/2010 22:19

My daughter's 9 months and I wouldn't, I just couldn't. I'm definitely on the 'take her with you' side.

julybutterfly · 17/06/2010 22:19

Take her with you! It's one night, she might enjoy it

Original poster

funkychunkymunky · 17/06/2010 22:21

Thanks for all your replies.
I'm in the process of convincing DH that I'm not neurotic and that she should come with us!

OP posts:

violethill · 17/06/2010 22:23

What are the reasons for not doing it?
Is it purely that you think other people might judge you?

I'm geniunely interested, because I honestly don't know how I feel about this!

The fact is, you will be nearer to your baby than many people who live in a huge house, or have a long garden, and would happily sit in another part of the house or at the end of the garden. It's purely psychological isn't it - that you won't be on your territory, you have left your house, even though you're right next door!

heymango · 17/06/2010 22:29

I am sure she would be absolutely fine, but in these situations I always imagine the potential headlines....'baby left while parents go drinking at party' (ok, that's why I'm not a journalist, but you get the idea!)

pimmslemonadeiceandaslice · 17/06/2010 22:29

I expect most people would love having a 7 month around. More interesting than talking about football the whole time.

If you're not happy, don't leave her at home, but I think at around that age I did leave my ds under very similar circumstances. I wouldn't do it once they were able to pull themselves up to standing just in case they tipped themselves out of the cot, but at 7 months she should be fine. But if you are uneasy, then you wouldn't enjoy your evening.

mumeeee · 17/06/2010 22:34

I wouldn't. She would probably be fine but you would be worrying all night incase anything went round. Just take her with you in and put her to sleep in her pram as you've suggested. Tell your DH you are not being over the top.

GreenAndSilverStars · 17/06/2010 22:35

I wouldn't do it.

If you're in the same house or your own garden and you miss a problem, then forever afterwards it will just be seen as awful bad luck that you missed it.

If you're next door and you miss a problem then forever afterwards you will feel it was because you were weren't there and had left her and gone next door.

It shouldn't make any difference logically, but somehow it still does. It's not the distance that's important it's the leaving your home and locking up behind you with the baby alone in the house. Couldn't do it.

I'd do the pram thing, it sounds like a good solution.

Original poster

funkychunkymunky · 17/06/2010 22:44

Violet - my reasons for not leaving her is plain and simply that psychologically it doesn't feel right. No other real reason.
My only reason for leaving her would be so she has a good night sleep.

I've convinced DH anyhow! He still thinks I'm crazy when it comes to DD. Although, he kept telling me to stop reminding him not to leave her on the bed 'cos she'll fall off etc etc. What did he do yesterday? Yup, he left her on the bed "just for a second" and she crawled off! Luckily the bed is low, the floor is carpeted and she landed on her nappy wrapped bum. She was more shocked than hurt, thank god!

OP posts:

fruitloafrocks · 17/06/2010 22:46

If you are comfortable with it then I'd do it but it doesn't sound like you are. Are you genuinely worried about your daughter or other people judging you?

TBH I don't understand why this is a problem, I would, and have left my children in the house on their own - almost on a daily basis. I have a large garden and when I hang out the washing, collect some veg etc I am not able to see or hear them. I also do a lot of outside DIY and gardening after I have put them to bed in the evening as this is the only time I have without them - they are now 4 and 2 years old and still alive - although they are increasingly using these opportunities to raid the biscuit tin.

Your daughter will be asleep, you can hear if she wakes up/anything happens in the house and you can be there in seconds..... why are you worried?

.... or perhaps I'm just a neglectful mother???

Original poster

funkychunkymunky · 17/06/2010 22:55

I'm not worried about other people judging me. I'm also not worried about her as I'm sure she'll be fine. I suppose it's just that feeling that you can't explain! There's no rational explanation.
I posted on here to help sway me one way or the other really. Either to show me how ridiculous I was being or to reinforce why I feel this way.
Funnily though, I will peg washing out, vac the car etc whilst she is asleep upstairs during the day. I've never given it a second thought!

And of course you are not neglectful fruitloafrocks!

OP posts:

GreenAndSilverStars · 17/06/2010 22:55

There's something symbolic about leaving your own house and garden and going into someone else's that changes the kind of decision it is, somehow. It's weird, but it changes it.

It makes it more complicated than just judging the risk and judging directly on that. The sort of distance that would be fine between you and the baby in your own garden, somehow just seems wrong if you've 'gone out and gone next door'. That's why it would stop me - I don't think it's about it being neglectful if you do. It's just about it feeling wrong.

Though I think if I was going to the bottom of my own garden to have a party and knew I wouldn't be back for ages, that would feel a bit iffy too. Just doing gardening and being in and out doesn't feel the same.

Weird isn't it, but the trouble is when something feels wrong it's very hard to ignore it and relax.

funnysinthegarden · 17/06/2010 22:57

ahhhh, we've been here before. FCM, you have to accept that almost EVERYONE will say YABU.

I do not think YABU, but most other folk will. Tis the culcha we live in.

GreenAndSilverStars · 17/06/2010 23:08

Logically she's not BU, but the fact that it feels wrong is not really about logic is it? It's about what it feels to be in or around your own home rather than across a boundary in another. Or something like that.

I'm not sure I'd say she was BU to do it (though I wouldn't do it myself), but I would say she's NBU if she doesn't want to do it because it makes her feel uncomfortable.

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