To speak firmly to my friends child in a restaurant about his behaviour?

[BrownPaperandString]

Her and my DCs are 2.

Her DS kept leaning in to and pawing at my DS while he was trying to eat and generally being up and down, jumping about, leaning across the table, tipping drinks over etc.

His mum was trying the distraction technique but it wasn't working (it never usually does!).

Anyway - DS was starting to get annoyed, so i just said very firmly to her DS 'please leave DS alone, sit down there and let him eat his dinner!'. I said it in a very firm tone and the one I would have used if he was messing about. Everyone was rather taken aback I think.

Suddenly thought my friend might have been rather peed off. AIBU?

the thing is, it's one thing to say don't step on another parents' toes, but if my children need protection from being hurt or annoyed, if the other parent doesn't do it effectively, i will

the op's ds has a right to eat without being hassled by another 2 year old
this had been going on a while, it hadn't just started
if your dc's behaviour is impacting on other people then IMO they have a right to do something about it, if you don't

Completely agree CoupleofKooks.

I tell kids off all the time, in full view of their parents if need be, but not in a horrible shouty way. I assume the OP didn't shout at the 2 yr old.

Not sure telling a 2yr old would do much help tbh, they don't really sit still do they?

YANBU though.

agree with coupleofkooks

He did back away from DS and sat down. Briefly. He then carried on messing about but he left DS well alone.

There you go then.

I try to steer clear of reprimanding in front of another mother in case it undermines them. But on the other hand, you do need to protect your son. So in all YANBU, but could probably have achieved the same by swapping seats to take your DC further away

Hmmm, I see kooky's point but I think my threshold is in a different place.

if somebody else's child was actually hurting or distressing one of mine, then I would intervene of course, although I would probably say to the parent "Look, he really needs to STOP that" before I said something to the child

if it was a 2yo messing about at a mealtime I can't see why it would be necessary to steam in and override his mother

YANBU

she said it was distressing her ds greeny - i can see why

i am not sure if your way is better or not - i think a lot of the time you would just get a defensive "i'm TRYING" from the mother
the op's way at least is direct and it is over with

I think discussions about parenting style rarely end well tbh.

I would just speak directly to the child, nicely but firmly. As several people already said, children learn quickly that different adults have different rules and expectations, like my friend's ds who gives his mum the hardest time but listens very well to me with a knowing look in his eyes....

YANBU - I don't expect my 18 month old DS to sit still for long periods of time, or be quiet, but I also don't expect other people to have to put up with it. I remove him from the situation and try distraction etc, if that doesn't work I leave. I know and have known children, admittedly older (3/4/5 years old), who scream, shout, hit, invade adults and other childrens' personal space causing a lot of annoyance and sometimes physical pain with the mum not saying a word (one even commented on how rude her DC was getting ) - the mum may not thank you for it and think you're interfering (I know this from personal experience)but it's said now and the DC didn't bother you're DS again.

depends on the friend. I have a good friend with a similar aged child and if she did what you describe it would be because she knows i was struggling with him and I would appreciate the help. I'd probably be ok with it if my much adored SIL did it too.

Anyone else I would have been horrendously embarrassed that someone else felt they needed to step in with disciplining DS. I probably wouldn't want to meet up with them for a meal again until DS was old enough not to be a lunatic - he's 2 and often crazy.

Maybe your friend was trying the ignore bad behaviour approach as we have in the past when telling him off would lead simply to laughter and ignoring it led to him stopping out of boredom.

YANBU at all.
If I were your friend I would just be embarrassed that you needed to intervene, she should already have noticed and moved her dc out of reach of yours.
Yes they are only 2, but they learn how to behave by how much you let them get away with your guidance.
Have close friend whose dcs (10/12) at times talk to her like dirt. They now know better than to do it in front of me. We have discussed parenting honestly without falling out but her dh regularly overrules or contradicts her in front of them so any progress she makes is slow
If you are close then discuss it, if not just forget it.

In my group of mum friends if one child is being annoying at a meal often the mum in question will give the nod to one of the others to do the ticking off. Sometimes the novelty value has more effect.

Whilst YANBU it takes a village and all that I can see why the other mother might be put out. If your ticking off was done without any say so from her and right in front of her its rather undermining and demonstrates you think shes abit crap and can't discipline her child. Interested to see if she meets up with you again...

yanbu. He was directly impacting on your child's meal time and the mother had failed to deal with it effectively. I think it's fine for familiar adults to 'discipline' my dcs (I do not expect strangers to do so as they will probably scare my dcs), it is often more effective than doing it myself.
I also think a 2 year old can be told how to behave at a meal time- otherwise how will they ever know what is deemed acceptable?

yanbu. but i am strict!

It seems OP that all of the people who have said that you are not being unreasonable are those that agree with your parenting technique. As I said earlier, I think that that's the issue. I have no problem with people with the same values as me helping me with my parenting. If you know that she would use the same methods as you go for it, if not I think you should have some respect for her as your friend.

and those of you who are ok with it ,would not mind if another parent yelled at spoke firmly to your child ,even if you felt you were dealing with the situation...I bloody well would be pissed off tbh

Totally reasonable to expect 2-year-olds to behave a bit in a restaurant, or at least to make an effort at getting them to. In a situation like this though I'd probably have asked the other boy as nicely and tactfully as possible if he could watch out for DS, and then hoped that the mother would get the message and step in and be firmer. Here (in the Czech Republic) she would do - in fact she'd have probably already said something.

I don't think distraction is much of a valid technique in these circumstances - it's OK for a one-year-old, maybe, but just confusing for a two-year-old. And ignoring is the same. They're 2, but that doesn't mean they can't start learning.

my opinion is that as soon as it starts affecting someone elses children.it becomes the other parents problem too

yes, IAB.

and what was she trying to tell him with distraction, anyway? that whatever stupid thing she was trying to fob him off with is more interesting than your DS and his drink? Gah.

She owes it to him to tell him that being friendly to DS is good, but being in DS' face isn't. Instead of trying to tell him that some random other thing is more interesting.