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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To speak firmly to my friends child in a restaurant about his behaviour?

109 replies

BrownPaperandString · 17/06/2010 09:23

Her and my DCs are 2.

Her DS kept leaning in to and pawing at my DS while he was trying to eat and generally being up and down, jumping about, leaning across the table, tipping drinks over etc.

His mum was trying the distraction technique but it wasn't working (it never usually does!).

Anyway - DS was starting to get annoyed, so i just said very firmly to her DS 'please leave DS alone, sit down there and let him eat his dinner!'. I said it in a very firm tone and the one I would have used if he was messing about. Everyone was rather taken aback I think.

Suddenly thought my friend might have been rather peed off. AIBU?

OP posts:
Alouiseg · 17/06/2010 11:45

Yadnbu. I hate it when parents are in denial about their dc's behaviour. Sometimes they need a wake up call.

I would have done the same, especially if they were distracting my dc from the task at hand.

Francagoestohollywood · 17/06/2010 11:45

I really don't mind other people (be it friends or relatives) being firm/telling off my dc, so I don't think YBU.

However, I wouldn't expect great table manners from a 2 yr old, I would have laughed off the whole dinner.

TheBoyWithaSORNedMX5 · 17/06/2010 11:46

I think we'd have to be there to judge whether you were BU or not.

My sil has a habit of ticking ds off in front of me for things that really don't merit a ticking off. And there was one woman at toddler group who was forever bollocking poor ds and had him down as some kind of tearaway. I take comfort these days watching her struggle with her own ds who has become a total PITA

OTOH I have been grateful for others' intervention in the past.

PuppyMonkey · 17/06/2010 11:49

"sometimes a firm word has more effect from someone who is not their mum". Hmm, not in my dd's case, it makes it ten times worse.
And the point is, OP didn't know at the time how the child would react.

Do remember these are TWO year olds who can be completely unpredictable, not naughty six year olds who should know better.

hormonalmum · 17/06/2010 11:55

My 2 year old ds has shockingly bad table manners but he is 2 so I expect that. If he was school age I would expect him to be better.
He reacts better to other people telling him not to do things too so I wouldnt be offended but it would depend on your friend.

wahwahwah · 17/06/2010 11:59

It depends on the friend and the relationship you have with her and the child.

There are some 'aunties' that I give free rein to with regards to (verbally) chastising my little one if I am not around/at hand. These are people who I respect and know that they are fair and won't go overboard.

skeletonbones · 17/06/2010 12:01

YANBU
you told him firmly once in the whole meal i assume? I think people are sometimes a bit too precious about they and only they being able to tell their children not to do something.your'e friends with his mum and you were out together as a group, I think its fine to tell him not to do it in this situation. its not like you were walking round the resturant randomly telling kids off or the like

Again · 17/06/2010 12:03

My ds would have cried too. People have different ways of dealing with their children's behaviour. It's not that I don't think it's your place to intervene, just that I don't agree with the approach. The child is 2 and distraction is probably the best way to go. It doesn't sound like the mother's distraction technique was working, so maybe you should have done it more effectively.

Bumblingbovine · 17/06/2010 12:20

But did it work is what I want to know?

I have a feeling that this is unlikely to work anyway - or not for long.

The child is 2! We have no idea how long he was being expected to sit. At this age ds had a maximum sit-down time of 20 mins and that on a good day with him being hungry etd. Often that 20min was used up in the ordering/waiting time bfore a meal arrived.

My friend's dd on the other hand could happily sit for an hour or more for a meal (with crayons and some distraction) at this age.

How long exacthy had the 2 year old been expected to sit still?

tafi · 17/06/2010 12:29

i wouldn't have done that, most parents don't appreciate other parents doing that. you were lucky you didn't cause a bigger scene and the child listened.Maybe next time focus on getting your DC out of the way or talking to the mom first.

minxofmancunia · 17/06/2010 12:43

YABU, dd behaved hideously in restaurants at that age could have been the child you described in your op. You are talking about 2 year olds here where behavioural intervention is often minimal in its impact.

I used every trick in the book to get dd to behave at meals even at nearly 4 she's still pretty bad despite me trying everything. I'd have been fuming if you'd spoken to my dd like that. If you'd tried to distract her, or spoken gently or moved your dc away I'd have thought fair enough but in situations like this unless it's dangerous its polite to speak to the parent first.

I wouldn't be going out for a meal with you again. Bully for you with the well behaved 2 year old in a restaurant, for some of us it's grim.

scaryteacher · 17/06/2010 13:45

Why should the child who was eating quietly and without being a PITA be moved? I would have said something too, to the Mum as well as the child and I would have been fairly direct.

SalFresco · 17/06/2010 13:51

YABU. They are 2.

"His mum was trying the distraction technique but it wasn't working (it never usually does!)."

It sounds as if you have opinions on her parenting generally, so maybe thhis was why she seemed pee'd off. Did your intervention make any difference?

TheBoyWithaSORNedMX5 · 17/06/2010 14:04

Yup - what scary says. People have really low expectations of 2yos, don't they? Of course they're not going to have perfect table manners and a few will find it impossible to sit at lunch for longer than a few minutes, but if you don't try to steer them in the right direction (perhaps by gently but firmly telling them off when the distraction bollocks technique fails) then you have no-one else to blame if they are a PITA a few years later. IMO

Maybee · 17/06/2010 14:18

YANBU telling off other people's kids is a minefield but if he was annoying your child and stopping him from eating dinner then it had to be dealt with.
Let it go.

smallwhitecat · 17/06/2010 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

traceybath · 17/06/2010 14:38

How firmly did you speak? I'm guessing it was pretty 'firm' for others to be visibly shocked.

Sounds like the mother was trying to deal with it and was possibly fed up at waiting for you and your dc to finish .

Its not as thought they were 8 years old and the other dc was attacking yours.

Personally I'd have moved my dc away a bit and just not done lunch with them for a while.

Original poster
BrownPaperandString · 17/06/2010 14:41

Thank you all for your replies - I do think that all of you who said that IABU have made some very fair points. My friend didn't say she was annoyed or look annoyed, I was just wondering if it was something I shouldn't have done. She'd spent the whole afternoon asking him not to run off without her and he completely ignores her and when we've been round to hers for kids tea, he's up and down like a yoyo and causing havoc and she doesn't seem to mind so that's just how she does things and that's completely fine.

I can't stand it myself - I think they do learn pretty young (mostly) that some things result in no more dinner until they stop doing it - like banging, throwing things etc etc but I do appreciate that we all parent differently and that all kids are different and with the best will in the world etc etc.

Anyway - I wasn't trying to teach him some table manners, I was just trying to get him to stop annoying my DS who was eating. I couldn't really move him away because he was right at the edge of the table anyway.

I am wondering if I should bring it up with her and apologise or just leave it.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrownPaperandString · 17/06/2010 14:45

It was probably 'supernanny' firm. The people who were taken aback, we me, ?my friend and our DSs - no-one else in the restaurant seemed to notice!

OP posts:
mosschops30 · 17/06/2010 14:51

YANBU and i have been flamed for something similar recently.

Why, when parents do nothing to control a childs behaviour should we turn away or move our child. When I was young I got told off by my friends parents if I misbehaved and thats how it was.
All this namby-pamby shite drives me crazy, if he was annoying your ds and she wasnt doing anything them IMO you can say something.
And FWIW I would have no problem with another parent telling my child off if he/she were misbehaving, why should I? Maybe I'd missed it.
Why should bad behaviour go on if the parent doesnt want to deal with it.
At the risk of sounding like an old fart this type of crap is why society is in such a mess, people behave how they want, no one says anything and it just gets worse. And yes all you parents know who you are

midori1999 · 17/06/2010 15:09

I don't think YABU and I might have even done the same.

I am friends with someone who has two young boys. They are notoriously badly behaved/mischievous and do not listen to her at all. We went for a meal a while back when the boys were 2 and 3 and neither child would sit nicely at the table to eat. They were running around and bothering other customers and the friend was expecting my eldest son to run about after them 'collecting' them up and returning them to the table, which disturbed his meal. In the end I went and picked up her youngest DS and sat him back down next to me, where he stayed for the rest of the meal and behaved. I have no idea whether she appreciated or was offended by it, but I don't really care, tbh. That was the last time I accepted an invite to go out anywhere with all the DC, I don't accept that sort of behaviour from my own children and I don't want to put up with it from others.

Greensleeves · 17/06/2010 15:10

I have no problem with people telling my kids off when I am not there, and the firmer the better

I just think to do it in front of her, when as you say yourself she was trying to use distraction, was bloody rude and overbearing

menopausemad · 17/06/2010 16:32

smallwhite I am totally with you there! I have a child with ASD and one with ADHD, the other has mild OCD around eating. Help is always accepted gratefully here I can tell you but, I do sometimes have to make it known that there has to be different expectations for different children.

colditz · 17/06/2010 16:35

YANBu

Mine are 4 and 7 and when they were little they sometimes treated me like the whispering of the breeze, but with ds2 my friends were always to be obeyed.

My friends and I have all spoken sternly to each other's children, and I do think that it helps children to see that other people are NOT indulging their behavior.

colditz · 17/06/2010 16:39

must add =- ds1 has ASD and ADHD but I still stand by what I say. If other people can get the message across better than me, so be it. i will have learned a lesson.

My boyfriend stepped in recently with Ds2 a few weeks ago, who wouldn't stay out of the kitchen. i had repeatedly told him that it was dangerous, he would get burned or I would trip over him - I'm a klutz - and he wouldn't listen. BF piped up "ds2, if you don't stay out of the kitchen you will have to sit in the corner of the kitchen to be safe, and you will have to sit there until your mummy has finished cooking because it won't be safe for you to move"

he said it politely, and pleasantly, but VERY firmly and Ds2 did listen whereas he hadn't listened to me at all.