To want my hoarding parents to sort through all their accumulated stuff while they still can, so I won't have to when they aren't able to do it themselves?

[Rumbled]

I bumped into an old friend today. We've known each other since we were kids. We got talking about our parents' hoarding habits. She said that when her mum had a stroke and had to move, it took my friend, her brother and sister four months to clear out their mum's three-bedroom semi full of stuff, around their work/family commitments.

It's been lurking in the back of my mind that one day I may have to face something similar, but I've tried not to think about it. My mum and dad have so much stuff in their four-bedroom house - piles of papers and boxes of old stuff everywhere: lining the halls, piled up in the kitchen, in all the spare rooms, etc. The front room is currently a store room, and we often eat meals on our laps there because there's stuff on the dining table. We're not talking averagely untidy and cluttered here.

Talking with my friend today, and realising that there would be just one of me to sort Mum and Dad's stuff down the line (if they don't deal with it before they're not able to/around), and I'm on my own with a DS ... I panicked! I can't imagine being able to deal with this. Even with help, it would feel overwhelming.

I love my parents dearly and don't want to upset them by bringing this up - Dad will no doubt get angry and defensive, and Mum will feel guilty, and I expect nothing would change - but it seems so unjust, selfish, if they don't deal with this and get it under control while they still can.

Am I being unreasonable to be even thinking about this? Or are my parents being unreasonable to effectively expect me to deal with all their stuff some time down the line? Is there anything I can do/say?

Thanks.

DH's parents live like this.

We've already discussed it with his sister.

We're hiring a skip and everything is going in there.

It's likely that skip will need to be filled many times, too.

YABU. Sorry but your parents have a right to live as they choose and from the conditions you describe this is "untidily" rather than "dangerously".

You won't be the first person who has to clear an untidy house out - join the very long queue of us - and you won't be the last.

YABU! Sorry but it would come across as mean and callous to even suggest it! What are you going to say? "Please sort out your crap before you peg it as I'm too busy?" Leave them alone! If you're that worried about it alot of Local Authorities help out in extreme cases. Sorry if I sound harsh but its their life not yours

YANBU

I just posted about this in another thread. My dad was a hoarder, and when he died last year we had to clear out his 2 bedroomed flat which was stacked to the ceiling with newspapers, old bills, any old crap you can imagine. There was good stuff there too but a lot of it had been ruined by damp. Once we cleared it out the place had to be fumigated. It was a horrendous job and I still have nightmares about it. So I really sympathise with you. And I have no suggestions for you, hoarding is very deep seated and I never got anywhere with my dad I'm afraid.

I can see why it's bothering you, but really, you can't dictate the way your parents live now, to make your life easier in the future! If you aren't sentimentally attached to the stuff it will be much easier for you to hire a skip and get rid of stuff.

I'm wondering how you would bring it up?

I'm imagining you walking into their house and saying "Hi, mum. Would you mind clearing out all your junk so I don't have to do it when you pop off. Thanks muchly"

I agree with others though YABU.

glasto, how sad .

my cousins had to do this when their mother based away and it was an entire house!

My PILs are hoaders and are very elderly. So I would guess this is going to happen to us in the next 5 years.

I thinking bringing it up would be very difficult and so I havn't. Though I have thougt about it as my father died a few years ago and my mother cleared out the old family home.

I know that there are charities that do house clearance. So I have assumed that DH and I will spend a day or so picking out photo albums and any other momentos that DH would like and any legal documents associated with the probate and then let a charity in to clear whatever they can sell. Maybe then freecycle furniture / anything that looks useful and then landfill the rest.

YABU if it is just clearing out you are worried about, YANBU if you think the clutter is affecting their lives in any way.

Do you have to frame it in a "burden - post death" kind of way? Couldn't you say the clutter is a fire hazard, or suggest they go through their paperwork, with your help, and put important things onto a computer (safer)? You could ask about old photos or something, just to get them looking through the junk - it might even be quite nice for you to go through some of it together.

yep this is what skips are for.
YABU let them live how they want & if you don't care for the stuff just bin it later when they will be none the wiser.

My Mum now lives on her own - she recently moved & has a largish garage full of boxes of her stuff. She tells me she's just diagnosed herself with hoarding OCD issues. I fear I have inherited it to a small degree

Oh, it's definitely affecting how the ILs live, especially as they both develop increasing mobility problems.

At the risk of sounding macabre - life is very uncertain - you might peg it before they do. Put it like this - it's like buying crimbo paper and cards in the January sales - it's arrogant to think you might be here next Christmas. I would find better things to worry about.

I think YANBU to worry about this, but quite how you bring it up with your parents is another matter.

My parents had to move from a large and fairly cluttered house where they'd lived for 50 years, to a small flat. They couldn't cope with the big house any more, and nor could they manage to clear the house by themselves.

Other family members had to come in and basically clear the house around them, which everyone found very upsetting. They had hoarded 'useful' things for years and found it very hard to see these things being taken to charity shops/thrown away

My in-laws, on the other hand, decided to clear their own house and downsize while they were physically able to. A much easier and happier experience all round as you can imagine.

I agree with other posters that it may be very difficult to get your parents to consider sorting some of their stuff themselves. But maybe there are tactful ways of raising the issue without consigning them to an early grave.

I don't think there's really any way to say this to them. But you could perhaps try offering to help them sort something - pick the biggest pile, or the stuff that is on the table and say "Gosh you seem a bit short of space there, could I help you sort it out?" If you got really lucky, they'd like the extra bit of space and it would be a nudge to continue doing it themselves.

But they probably don't think there's any problem in keeping all this stuff, and are happy the way they are, so you're not very likely to get anywhere.

FWIW my parents are much the same, and keep all sorts of stuff all through the house, so I suspect I will have to do the same when the time comes

yes, many of the things can't be salvaged because of damp, critters eating them, etc.

There's a huge difference between hoarding and simply having a lot of stuff though. My mother never kept squalid crap that should have been binned but her house was still full with the momentoes of a long and interesting life. That some of them were not in wonderful condition was probably the result of her being 84 and not hugely mobile when she died.

Had she been a "Mr Trebus" and been keeping mounds of household waste and needing "goat paths" to navigate the house, I might have tried to tackle the problem long before she died but she wasn't. And neither, from the sounds of it, are the OP's parents.

My grandmother's house - which I had to clear pretty much singlehanded when I had two dcs under 2 - was much more cluttered. Mainly because both her and my grandfather were partially sighted and really couldn't see the true state of it. But it still never occurred to me to upset her last years at home by dictating how she should live based on how much of an inconvenience she'd be to me after her death.

Yanbu

one of the things that came up when I worked for Cruse was how hard people found it - how much they then transferred to their own homes (to be relived and then thrown out later).

It's a terribly difficult thing to do when grieving and clearing junk while trying to grieve adds an extra dimension of anger which can go on for months while you do it.

Skips cost £130 round here - you may need a dozen just to clear a 4-bed house. More cost before probate is sorted.

expat - based away? Is that an American expression - made me smile - sorry!

OP - YABU. When mum died my dad simply moved all her stuff to my house. At least when he goes there will be much less stuff as it is already cluttering my house for DD to clear when I go. Circle within circles.

You almost certainly will need a number of skips to clear a parental home. It took 5 to clear my mother's not appalling 3-bedroomed single storey propery.

But so what if you need skips? If you've inherited the fucking house anyway then you've already managed to accrue unearned income. That you might have to offset some of it is, to be frank, tough shit.

it's not always possible to move someone's stuff to the child's home.

we wouldn't have the space.

distance, as well.

i don't think it's fair to say the OP is only basing this on the inconvenience to her when her parents die or become unable to stay in the home.

it's possible she works FT and lives far away and has a family of her own.

this could pose serious problems for her, and/or compound her grief.

for the ILs, we don't say anything, but again, they are increasingly growing unable to manage their home due to the hoarding and their mobility problems.

Look, I had all this to consider (plus livestock!) a whole country away. Not easy and no, I don't want a medal for it. But actually, I still respected my mother's wish to live her final years out in the manner she chose.

My mum's house has huge amounts of stuff (old papers, antiques, crockery, toys, books) in it ... but it's all spotless and neatly labelled in boxes or perfectly stacked in cupboards. I've already told her I'll have a take a bloody career break to deal with it when she dies!

My brother and at least one of her friends is all for a big bonfire but I've been brought up knowing how much it means to her to keep it all so I just couldn't treat her stuff with so little respect. Fuck knows what I'm going to do with it though. Let's hope that day is a long way off.

we don't know, Gloria, from the info the OP gave if that would even be possible for her.

or if her concerns aren't about the fact that she's concerned about her folks.

hoarding isn't just about living in the manner you please.

it's actually recognised as a serious mental health problem.

and, in some instances, it's a real health hazard to both the hoarder and his/her neighbours.

in the case of ILs, we don't say anything, but the state of their home is starting to seriously impact on their lives adn health.

YANBU. My granny lived like this and kept squirrelling things away (like food and knives). Books reached to waist height in piles. It was horrible.

The main thingf which was upsetting was that granny had a stroke and couldn't live on her own. She helped a bit with clearing out her house but was absolutely devastated by the stuff which had to be thrown away because it was mouldy or rotten or rat infested (like her oven). She died about three weeks afterwards.

The clearout can be a positive of moving into smaller accommodation and I mean a positive for everyone. Could it be suggested?

My MIL has been clearing out her house ( so I will not have to do it] for the last year. I think it is so sad watching her preparing to die. Wasting her last years instead of enjoying her self. I think it may be quite a task but it is somemthing you should do.