To want my hoarding parents to sort through all their accumulated stuff while they still can, so I won't have to when they aren't able to do it themselves?

[Rumbled]

I bumped into an old friend today. We've known each other since we were kids. We got talking about our parents' hoarding habits. She said that when her mum had a stroke and had to move, it took my friend, her brother and sister four months to clear out their mum's three-bedroom semi full of stuff, around their work/family commitments.

It's been lurking in the back of my mind that one day I may have to face something similar, but I've tried not to think about it. My mum and dad have so much stuff in their four-bedroom house - piles of papers and boxes of old stuff everywhere: lining the halls, piled up in the kitchen, in all the spare rooms, etc. The front room is currently a store room, and we often eat meals on our laps there because there's stuff on the dining table. We're not talking averagely untidy and cluttered here.

Talking with my friend today, and realising that there would be just one of me to sort Mum and Dad's stuff down the line (if they don't deal with it before they're not able to/around), and I'm on my own with a DS ... I panicked! I can't imagine being able to deal with this. Even with help, it would feel overwhelming.

I love my parents dearly and don't want to upset them by bringing this up - Dad will no doubt get angry and defensive, and Mum will feel guilty, and I expect nothing would change - but it seems so unjust, selfish, if they don't deal with this and get it under control while they still can.

Am I being unreasonable to be even thinking about this? Or are my parents being unreasonable to effectively expect me to deal with all their stuff some time down the line? Is there anything I can do/say?

Thanks.

No YANBU in my opinion.

I know my dad found it so so hard to literally tip his parents lifelong belongings over the walls of the tip.

Him and his siblings had to go through boxes of stuff, every Xmas card that his parents were ever sent, every birthday card ever sent, every grandchilds painting ( they had 18 grandkids, you can imagine)every postcard from every holiday anyone had ever taken, you name it, it was stashed. They weren't even that bad by some peoples standards.

There are loads of ways to broach this sensitively, eg "my friend" has had to clear out the house and she had no idea what was important and not, she was devastated

Another "friend" has made a memory wall ( or spare room!) of photos, paintings and artefacts that her family have brought her and this friend loves to sit in there and reminisce and adds to it.

Scrapbooking is also an interesting hobby.

I also have started to move my own documents onto the PC, just do much safer really. When I was in social services there were
complaints about fraud and theft of details from older peoples addresses, mainly things like credit card applications- applied for by "carers". I'm not sure it would happen as much now but its enough to make my data more secure!

I have found in my work with older people that their memories are maintained and they have better emotional health when they have memorable artefacts around that are VISIBLE. You could say you read an article about it

Its also not a given that the children inherited the house, my nana lived in a council house and there was 7 days to clear it out after her funeral, so someone else could move in. very hard. I saw my dad absolutely devastated by this episode, the pressure was also immense to "get it sorted" quickly.

I noted my dad afterwards, bought some photo albums and arranged them, and a bigger shredder to get rid of crap that just shouldn't be in the house ( junk mail, old print off's from internet shopping) as he said he would never want us to go through what he had to.

Dust mites might develop that can cause health problems too.

SO No I don't think you are being unreasonable. You can always raise it, if they don't like it then fine that's their choice! Put it this way, I certainly would be raising it with my parents if I were in your shoes

Love from 1foot. xx

I would even suggest that hoarding shortened my father's life. He contracted TB which baffled the doctors as they reckoned usually it only presented in people who were homeless or living in inadequate accommodation. We only realised what a state the place was in after he dies, as he kept the living room fairly clear, and that was the only room we were allowed in when we visited. And actually he had kept some measure of control until two years before he died, when he broke his arm very badly , and thats when it got out of control. So these things can get out of control very quickly (my dad was only 63 when he died). So, its easy to say, let people live how they choose, and a bit of clutter is fine by me, but hoarding is a terrible thing especially when there is deteriorating health to deal with. I know my dad knew it had got out of control, but he was too proud to let anyone help, and indeed would not have let us through anything away anyway.

Putting it all into skips risks also binning important documents though, unless you know where they are in advance.

I had to clear out my stepfather's papers and sorted through everything { there wasn't loads thankfully } and found a tiny slip of paper relating to an insurance taken out in the 60s for something like 2'6d and contacted the company and it resulted in a pay out of £14k for my Mum.

It turned out to be all that she was left and could have been very easily overlooked as it was just in a box of stuff.

throw goddammit

i think you should think of things that you might want if they peg it - like pictures, baby stuff, cards etc. and ask them if they could sort through so you can have a look. that way - when they do kark it - the stuff you want will all be together and you can just pay someone to skip the rest.

YABU. It isnt making their life better you care about.

I have planted the seed with my MIL about this issue as they have a 5 bed house filled with crap. There documents are in order though which is something but they hoard old clothes and every other sort of possession.

I felt justified in planting the seed having spent weekend after weekend sorting out my parent's flat. My Dad died and we discovered he had not sorted any of my Mum's stuff either so my sister and I had to do it all. Far too much for skips so had to pay for a house clearance which was the best part of £800. Before that of course wehad to go through everything carefully for important documents and precious things. It was so time consuming I had to take 6 months off from studying.

I won't even go into the fact they had not left wills so we had to sort probate for them both...that is another layer of angst (and expense!) which we are still sorting nearly a year later!

Oh this is so true although I have already told my parents that they need to clear out their sh*t before they pop off but then they are a way off there at the moment. If they were more vulnerable I would find it hard.

It does scare me though because I know they have hoarded stuff from their parents...let alone from 40 years in their house!

I would add, in case I sound like a cold bitch, that I was heartbroken when my Dad died. Neither of my parents were old when they died and I felt like a 30-something orphan! The stress of the mess he left behind would have pushed some people over the edge I think. I have never been so glad to have a sibling.

My aunt had to help her SIL clear her house. she came straight home from that and began binning stuff because she said she would simply not want her grieving children to do such a horrible job.

so Yanbu but unfortunately it has to come from them. some good ideas here to try and nudge them a little bit though, which I think is quite reasonable.

My MIL (gawd bless her) knew her time was up and had a huge clearout.

Everything was immaculate, paperwork all filed properly, and she left a note that the only things she wanted us to keep were a few small items of jewelry for DGD.

Its still taken me a week to sort out the food cupboards and clothes.So I can see why you'd not want to face a hoarders house. BUT its really not something you can ask them to do.

Look, hoarding is not just a matter of being lazy/untidy/selfish, it's similar to addictions in that the person can't be told to change or made to change unless and until s/he recognises the problem and accepts the need to deal with it.
I have hoarding issues which I'm working on at the moment, and it's actually quite difficult to change and stay changed.

My dad didn't leave a will either, he's been dead almost a year and a half and despite me being his only heir we are still waiting for probate. And a year after he died I had a bit of a breakdown, and have now been off work for for four months. SO, yeah, pretty traumatic.

There was an article in the Guardian about hoarding last week.

A psychologist reckoned that if you try to force a hoarder to get rid of their stuff it can be very distressing for them and they are very likely to fill the space up again with more stuff. One thing he recommended was to get the local fire station to do a fire check and that might encourage them to get rid of some papers, etc....

This is a topic close to my heart as my mother is a hoarder - she actually has lots of cupboard space but it is full of stuff she has hoarded so no room to put things away that actually need to be kept so the house is always a mess.

I foresee lots of skips needed once they ever decide to move too...

DH is a hoarder.

Its actually made him think A LOT, about the amount of crap hes put in the loft (old comics/clothes/exam papers etc.

We're emigrating in 2 months and TBH he's now realised that theres no point holding on to stuff just in case.

Its a pretty harsh lesson (given his mum only died a month or so ago.) but I agree hoarding isn't anything about "the stuff" its more a mindset.

I am hoping my parents sell their stupidly big house before they pop their clogs because if they move somewhere smaller they will actually have to get rid of some of it. Thing is, I think they grew up at a time where stuff was scarce and they saved very hard for most of their furniture. I will also struggle with getting rid of it as I know what it means to them so I can see myself having most of their crap on top of my own (and my grandma's stuff which my mother couldn't bear to throw out). Eventually I will be buried under a heap of occasional tables ...

i have hoarding tendnacies, but have managed over the years to keep it down to one shoe box for memories etc.
If there is an item too big/or i won't use it in the next 6 months i take a picture and write on the back why i loved it, etc and either give it away, or ebay it.
My PIL's are awful, papers up to the ceiling, junk mail, everywhere, etc, its really bad, they can't clean properly and it aggrivates DS's asthma yet they refuse to move anything.

interesting reading -

I think there are other problems not raised - I've just been to ILs house - now DD is able to get ot of her cot there is nowhere truly kidproof due to the hoarded clutter - and MIls house is nowhere near as bad as the OPs parents.

she had set up a bed in a room i took one look at and said 'erm, no,she'll sleep in ours...' plenty of possible projectiles to damage Ds with, sharp objects, heavy things to fall etc etc...(really not me being PFB about it, DD is quite a monkey before sleep)

also, Mil is having works done and DH is going to help to help her clear the whole ground floor of the house - a really big job. although i think it'll be a nightmare for him as each item/ set of items cleared involves an argument. As many other people have mentioned - mice, rats and squirrels are much harder to get rid of (or even know if they are there..)

although OP may be thinking about when they peg it, in actual fact if they ever fall ill it'll become an issue then, if they ever need a major repair, if they decide to move etc etc - and in the meanwhile it can't be nice to live in that much clutter.

My parents were hoarders. When my dad died my mum decided to move down near me from a large house into a flat. She got an auction house in to take the valuable stuff that she didn't want to keep, gave books/clothes to charity and then a local removals firm came in to take away the rubbish. She still brought far too much stuff, but after 6 months of having a spare room packed with boxes, was happy to let me and my brother have a final cull recently!

What I would say is that they would have probably been happy to do it earlier had I suggested it and had I offered to do it all help, but unfortunatly I was 500 miles away, so it wasn't really practical

Do a deal with them. Agree that they will keep their birth certificates in a specific drawer that you know about.

When my mum died, I discovered I needed her birth certificate in order to register her death and that meant taking a three bed house apart drawer by drawer, box by box, before we could even organise the funeral.
Everything else can be done slowly but that was a nightmare. It was in with her knitting patterns which I very nearly binned.

It can also impact on the hoarders relationships with their family - my parents have only one set of gc in the same country and I think they have only once stayed with my parents overnight once. My sis & BIL are possibly a bit pfbish but Tbh the house is a nightmare if you have small dcs it is so cluttered. They stay in a hotel now if they come to visit.... But of course the cost of this restricts how often they can visit....

As a hoarder I wouldn't take too kindly to somebody telling me I had to sort out my house.

Part of my problem started because when I was little my parents used to just chuck out my stuff, no matter whether it was precious, because it was "their house". Their constant bleat was "when you have your own house you can do what you want". So when "helping" with our last move my mum told me I "couldn't have boxes of paper" I told her it was my house and I would fill it with paper if I wanted to.

TBH it is none of your business what your parents do in their house with their things.

it may not be the OPs business directly, but it is hard to watch those you love live in a way that probably they aren't really happy with.