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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find my FIL disgusting and not want him anywhere near my girls?

82 replies

2girlsandmaybe3 · 15/06/2010 11:30

Have a very difficult relationship with my in-laws and in particular FIL. The relationship has deteriorated to such an extent that the thought of the man makes me feel physically ill. There are numerous examples where he has behaved in what I feel is a totally unacceptable manner. To give you a flavour I include a few examples:

2 weeks after having a c-section in-laws desended on us at Christmas and expected a full Christmas dinner. While I struggled in pain in the kitchen, barely able to walk, they sat around relaxing. Later got 'told off' for sub-standard food and accused of not being a gracious hostess.

FIL told me it was 'my place' to be at home in the kitchen rather than returning part-time to work.

FIL accusing me of spending too much time and money on myself shopping (after I treated myself to a once a month shopping trip for new work trousers)

Got back from hospital on the day after having dd2 last month to find in-laws furious with rage standing outside house, saying they'd been waiting for ages. They stayed 3 nights ate all my food and drink, didn't help with new baby or offer to look after their other grandaughter. DH asked if they could pop to the supermarket to get a few essentials, they did and then presented us with a receipt for a full refund (total bill came to £9.80) Wouldn't mind but they ate the food that was bought and were quite happy to eat the takeaway I bought for us all without offering to pay their half.

They make no attempt to play or even interact with their granddaughters, do not buy them birthday cards or presents. At christmas dd1 begged her grandad to do a jigsaw with her, he said no and carried on reading the paper.

There are so many examples, some petty, some not so petty. Unfortunately in-laws are due to visit this week and the thought of these people, and especially my FIL holding my new baby makes me feel ill. If it wasn't for my DH I'd have absolutely nothing to do with them. DH and I have fallen out many times over their behaviour but he says at the end of the day, regardless of what they do or how insulting they are to us, they have the right to visit us.

AIBU?

OP posts:
IamBatman · 15/06/2010 11:32

why just you FIL? and what does your DH say? does he stand up for you?
But YANBU for not wanting to spend any time with them, they sound horrible

posieparker · 15/06/2010 11:32

What was your DH doing on Christmas day? Obviously not being a decent husband. He needs to tell them how to behave.

TheArmadillo · 15/06/2010 11:33

YANBU

I'm sorry that your dh cannot see that, no, they do not automatically have the right to visit you.

I would suggest that if they have to come down they either do
a) stay in a b&b
b)come down for day visits only.

Or that you go to see them so you can have more control over the visit (i.e. how much time you spend there).

GypsyMoth · 15/06/2010 11:33

why dont you say 'no' to them?

Pootles2010 · 15/06/2010 11:33

They sound awful. I would ask your dh to have a word with them? I have one or two issues with my mil, although they will always be his parents, they could be asked to be a bit nicer to you.

He has responsibility to you as his wife as well as to his parents.

Tombliboob · 15/06/2010 11:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

cherrymama · 15/06/2010 11:34

YANBU - they sound vile. It sounds like they are not that interested in your DDs anyway so if I were you I would let DH see them but not have them at your house. If they want to see your girls they can ask but don't have them to stay again.

Plumm · 15/06/2010 11:35

We've recently been having trouble with the in-laws and are no longer comfortable being with them so DH has decided to cut them from our lives because it's the best thing for our family. No-one has a 'right' to visit you. You have the right not to have people in your house if you don't want them.

noshouting · 15/06/2010 11:35

Yanbu, your DH is being unreasonable in standing by and allowing his parents to behave like this.
You would not invite back anyone else who behaved like this so why make an exception here.

GetOrfMoiLand · 15/06/2010 11:37

What the bloody hell was your husband doing whilst you were cooking a slap up meal at Christmas two weeks after having major abdomical surgery?

You can only stand up to your PILs so much without the backing of your husband, otherwise you are pissing against the wind, frankly.

It is your house, if I were you I would refuse to let them in. Bollocks to that, the rude buggers.

BUT, you need your husband onside, that is your major concern I think.

God isn't the world full of selfish arseholes.

ZacharyQuack · 15/06/2010 11:38

It sounds like your main problem is with your DH.

ChequeredFlag · 15/06/2010 11:40

I would tell DH that I would prefer that they didn't visit if they couldn't be polite. Then allow them to visit for a day - not overnight - and if HE doesn't set them straight when they overstep boundaries, then they don't get to come again. He can always take the children to visit them on his own. But it is him that needs to tell them, they are his parents and it shouldn't be up to you.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 15/06/2010 11:40

You are cross with the wrong people! How DARE your husband not take care of you?! Where was he when you were cooking etc TWO WEEKS after major surgery?

Look, at the end of the day, you're his wife. You come first. If his parents matter more to him than you do, then he's got a choice to make!

And they DON'T have the right to visit. Not when they treat his wife so badly. They are his parents through an accident of birth. You are his wife by his choosing. He should be enraged by their treatment of you. It's really sad that he is not.

lolapoppins · 15/06/2010 11:42

We cut dhs family out of our lives about 7 years ago and it was the best thing we ever did for our family. They had always been vicious to me, but it was when they visited when ds was three weeks old, two days after we had come home from SCBU and they threw a wobbly about us not offering them our bedand made us sleep on the floor in the spare room (me, on a hard floor three weeks after a c section, can you imagine the discomfort?!) that dh finally grew a pair and relaised just how awful they were.

I still resent dh for sticking by them when they treated me so terribly for so long though.

Original poster
2girlsandmaybe3 · 15/06/2010 11:43

This is the only thing DH and I fall out over. He really genuinely believes his parents can say or do anything they want to us and we have to take it. I have said I do not want them staying overnight and DH is sorting out a hotel for them but will still have to deal with them during the day. Had thought about going out for the day on my own to avoid them but will miss baby and worried about leaving my dd's with them.

Another example: Got taken aside at a family wedding in front of bride and groom and berated by my FIL for breastfeeding during wedding breakfast Not sure who was more embarrassed, me or the bride.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 15/06/2010 11:44

so who is paying for their hotel?

diddl · 15/06/2010 11:45

I also think your husband needs to step up here tbh.

I´m thinking your Ils were invited for Christmas and didn´t turn up unexpectedly?

Can your husband not cook?

A right to visit?

He sounds as archaic as his father!

Original poster
2girlsandmaybe3 · 15/06/2010 11:46

I'm assuing they're paying for their hotel room.

OP posts:
wannaBe · 15/06/2010 11:46

your dh needs to grow a pair and get his priorities straight.

They certainly don't have the right to visit your home. But if your dh insists then i would take yourself off to a spa for the weekend and leave them to it.

pigletmania · 15/06/2010 11:46

I am I would not allow them to stay at all, be assertive dont let yourself be walked over. Your dh should be up there with you defending you and helping round the house too. Where was he?

Booboobedoo · 15/06/2010 11:48

If anyone had 'insisted' I cook anything two weeks after giving birth, they could whistle.

I would smile, let them know which cupboard the takeaway menu was in and tell them I didn't have any cash.

I take it they have your DH's tacit consent to treat you in this way, or it would not be happening.

What does he say when they are behaving like this?

YANBU to not want them to stay, but you are being unreasonable to give in to their demands.

cluelessnchaos · 15/06/2010 11:48

sounds exactly like my fil, but my mil is lovely and she is the only reason I tolerate him, the big thing for me is that dh knows I tolerate him and that he has to be around when they come to keep him away from me, the kids will naturally grow away from him, mine have nothing to do with him because he is no fun, so I would leave nature to take its course. Food is the usual bug bear and it has come to the point of me telling him to be quiet or grateful, dh has told him to be quiet of leave the house. I would not fuss round them or do anything different, if you need a break sit down, if they say anything say to them that they might be happier in a hotel on future visits.

Morloth · 15/06/2010 11:50

You don't have an inlaw problem, you have a husband problem.

Refuse to see them point blank, if he says they are coming anyway, leave the house with the kids. Not a chance in hell I would be putting up with them.

Have the great big fight, will show your DH how serious you are and will either force him to grow a backbone or at the very least you will know where you stand with him, then you can make your decisions accordingly.

If you do allow them to visit and you stay there, don't let things slide.

GypsyMoth · 15/06/2010 11:50

after the history you've posted regarding tesco receipt.....do you thin k they'll seriously pay for the hotel??

there will be more drama over this!

pigletmania · 15/06/2010 11:51

Exactly your husband needs to have some backbone, you and your dds are his main priority and family. I would never let my ILs speak to me like that and would really put my husband straight about that. I have my IL staying, but they are polite, kind and help round the house and MIL does the cooking. If I had the misfortune of having ILs like yours than there would be no more staying, visiting or husband, my way or the highway.

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