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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find my FIL disgusting and not want him anywhere near my girls?

82 replies

2girlsandmaybe3 · 15/06/2010 11:30

Have a very difficult relationship with my in-laws and in particular FIL. The relationship has deteriorated to such an extent that the thought of the man makes me feel physically ill. There are numerous examples where he has behaved in what I feel is a totally unacceptable manner. To give you a flavour I include a few examples:

2 weeks after having a c-section in-laws desended on us at Christmas and expected a full Christmas dinner. While I struggled in pain in the kitchen, barely able to walk, they sat around relaxing. Later got 'told off' for sub-standard food and accused of not being a gracious hostess.

FIL told me it was 'my place' to be at home in the kitchen rather than returning part-time to work.

FIL accusing me of spending too much time and money on myself shopping (after I treated myself to a once a month shopping trip for new work trousers)

Got back from hospital on the day after having dd2 last month to find in-laws furious with rage standing outside house, saying they'd been waiting for ages. They stayed 3 nights ate all my food and drink, didn't help with new baby or offer to look after their other grandaughter. DH asked if they could pop to the supermarket to get a few essentials, they did and then presented us with a receipt for a full refund (total bill came to £9.80) Wouldn't mind but they ate the food that was bought and were quite happy to eat the takeaway I bought for us all without offering to pay their half.

They make no attempt to play or even interact with their granddaughters, do not buy them birthday cards or presents. At christmas dd1 begged her grandad to do a jigsaw with her, he said no and carried on reading the paper.

There are so many examples, some petty, some not so petty. Unfortunately in-laws are due to visit this week and the thought of these people, and especially my FIL holding my new baby makes me feel ill. If it wasn't for my DH I'd have absolutely nothing to do with them. DH and I have fallen out many times over their behaviour but he says at the end of the day, regardless of what they do or how insulting they are to us, they have the right to visit us.

AIBU?

OP posts:
GeekOfTheWeek · 15/06/2010 13:06

If you are willing to accept it then at least consider the negative impact on your dds.

Will your dh sit back and allow them to be bullied and used as slaves?

Sn0wflake · 15/06/2010 13:08

Why would you say yes to cooking a meal 2 weeks after a C section?? It's not only your husband who has to stand up for you - YOU have to stand up for you. I don't care if that means being passive aggressive and going away for a few days with your kids or just facing his parents and telling them NO a few times and possibly to fuck off. Stop being walked over, please. It's horrible you are being treated this way.

cluelessnchaos · 15/06/2010 13:11

After another horrific trip from dhs parents we gave me the opportunity to ask them never to come back, in fact he said he wasnt going to allow them to risk our relationship anymore, I persuaded him to keep them in our lives, I didnt want to be responsible for him losing his family or the kids growing up without grandparents, so we deal with them now as best we can. I do tend to cut people out of my life if they treat me badly and fil is the only one who has not been, I do stick up for myself and fight back and tell him he is rude but he is dhs father and I have to accept that, I feel for you OP I would struggle with my dh being slagged the way yours is in this post.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 15/06/2010 13:15

sorry, but that's crap. " very difficult for him to find the ability to become confident and assertive in his dealings with them after all this time. "

If that was the case then why did he let you cook 2 weeks after yuor cs? Even if he couldn't stand up to them to say don't come, he did not have to let you cook!

Not being confident with them would be him being ON YOUR SIDE between the 2 of you, not telling you they have the right to visit etc etc. He'd be apologising for them, telling you he loves you and he's sorry they treat you so badly and thanking you for putting up with it and trying to change.

Lack of confidence is not the reason he sees (from the information you have given here) nothing wrong with how they treat you and not doing anything to help you.

diddl · 15/06/2010 13:37

I can´t help thinking that "they have a right to visit" is just a copout.

They don´t.

It´s acceptable to say no, don´t come here, no, we won´t come to you either.

Your children would certainly imo lose nothing by not having these people in their lives.

jazzandh · 15/06/2010 13:38

I think a lot of men are weak when it comes to their parents.

As I see it, I have my own relationship with my in-laws and will deal with them as I see fit for me. They can take it or leave it.

If they wind me up, I have been known to go upstairs and read a book, or go out somewhere etc. Just let them get on with it. If they show no interest in the children, take them out, and say why!

They certainly are aware if they have wound me up, and if my husband doesn't like it - that's his problem. My relationship with his mother, is nothing to do with him really, and if he wants to be a doormat, or accept some behaviour that's his problem.

more · 15/06/2010 13:52

oh I am so sorry that you are in this position, as was my husband until I finally "woke up" and saw my parents for what they really are.

I think that the more you "nag" him about how horrible/controlling etc. etc. his parent/s is/are, the more he is likely to withdraw from you or even blame you. Probably not what you want to hear, sorry. He needs to realise for himself.

I only realised when I was 32, after having put my husband through all sorts of crap, because I was so desparate to please my parents. I only realised after having been together with my husband for 10 years. I only realised when they "started" on my children. That was the big awakening for me. Seeing how they treated my children, remembering how they had said/done the same to me when I was a kid, and remembering how it had made me feel.

I am trying to find something to write to make you feel better, but I have only been in your husband's shoes, not your's. If his parents are like mine then he is not finding this easy either.

I am just sooo incredibly happy that my husband never gave up on me. I do hope for your children's sake that he will break the "circle" of passing this kind of behaviour to his own children (not sure that sentence makes sense!!).

LadyintheRadiator · 15/06/2010 13:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Squitten · 15/06/2010 14:02

Good grief! I agree with previous posters that your problem is your spineless husband rather than your ILs. They are allowed to be obnoxious if they want to but he is the one who is allowing it to happen to his own wife and children under his own roof. Pathetic.

He may have let them boss him about for 30 years but he has his own family now and it's time to man up! And YOU need to stop being a doormat

zerominuszero · 15/06/2010 14:03

They sound absolutely awful, if they were mine I wouldn't have them in my house, no matter what DH had to say about it. You can defend your own parents to the cows come home but at the end of the day their bad bahavour has to be critised and your husband needs to realise this.

differentnameforthis · 15/06/2010 14:06

They have NO rights, none at all! Fuck 'em!

I did nothing 'big' for 3 weeks post section. When my ILs came round, it was them making tea/coffee. MIL bought 3 days worth of food that dh just put in the oven & served up for us.

They took dd to her ballet classes, they shopped for us. That is what parents do, they do not expect a slap up meal, or waitress service.

My mum would probably expect that, which is why I don't talk to her, haven't for 18yrs. I can't be bothered living my life doing what others think I should be doing....which is exactly what you & your dh are doing.

If he can't get the balls to stand up to them, then I would throw all three of them out, because he is, imo, showing you a huge lack of respect by allowing them to treat you this way!

scanty · 15/06/2010 14:10

why are you letting THEM ALL treat you this way? I'm lucky that I have lovely ILS and even go on holiday with them but I had a terrible realtionship with my father and even as a child (when I saw him for what he was) - I stood up to him and refused to let him totally walk over me. Does you DH ever question them at all or disagree? I can't understand this level of compliance unless her was really emotionally abused as a child. So, what are you going to do about this?

Original poster
2girlsandmaybe3 · 15/06/2010 14:23

OK, thanks everyone for constructive points. Have taken on board what's been said and going to put into practise this weekend. Wish me luck

Off to property board now on an unrelated matter!

OP posts:
Hullygully · 15/06/2010 14:25

Arses.

BettySuarez · 15/06/2010 14:30

I think that the problem does indeed start with your DH but I do think that he is being unfairly treated with comments such as 'spineless' etc.

There have been many many threads on here from women who have been raised in agressive or toxic families who still struggle to stand up to their parents, even at the age of 30, 40, 50 etc.

There is no reason why men should struggle with this any less then women. I agree that having children is often the 'trigger' for wanting to turn the abusive cycle on it's head (it was for me at least)but that doesn't mean it's easy.

Your DH does need to stick up for you and his daughters but I expect it will take a lot of deep breaths and courage for him to do that. He was a little boy once, growing up in an abusive enviroment but he needs to realise that if he doesn't act soon, he may loose you!

RooBear · 15/06/2010 14:31

is that your word of the day hully?

Hullygully · 15/06/2010 14:40

The bloody year, I think. Arses abounding everywhere. There seems to have been an outbreak of extensive arsery.

anyabanya · 15/06/2010 15:19

I agree with Hully.

CoronaAndLime · 15/06/2010 15:34

What Hully said.

Hullygully · 15/06/2010 15:48

I am the new Bran

Fluffyone · 15/06/2010 15:58

I think that you and DH should read this thread together, then both recognise that you have the ability to change the situation, then change it.

jenniferturkington · 15/06/2010 16:29

I think you ANBU at all, and good move with the hotel. My PIL now stay at a B&B when they come to visit because of FIL awful attitude to me (and women generally).
But, I think other posters have been rather harsh on your DH. If he is anything like my DH he will be embarrassed by his father's attitude, and find it incredibly difficult to stand up to him. In my DH's case, he simple doesn't want to upset his mother as much as anything else.
I for one would also be happy alone in the kitchen cooking Christmas dinner 2 weeks after giving birth if it meant DH was keeping FIL out of my way and looking after DCs. But, if he made you cook dinner then he is just as bad as FIL.
I think you are right to take action against your FIL not your DH, but hopefully your DH will back you up all the way, otherwise you then have to take action against him too.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 15/06/2010 16:59

I think that if the husband had a different attitude with the OP, then he would have been spoken about very differently. But letting her cook 2 weeks after major surgery, telling her that his parents have the right to come whenever they like (and treat her however they like) puts him into a different category.

If he was saying to her, I'm sorry they treat you badly, I love you, thank you, I'll try to stand up to them, I find it hard... then that would be something. I think why people have responded like we have is because of his attitude to the OP about it all!

He's not backing her up, not even between the 2 of them if standing up to his parents is the problem. He's standing with his parents against her!

That is what is so unacceptable of him.

addie81 · 15/06/2010 17:07

to the OP - in a word, NO!

Goblinchild · 15/06/2010 17:09

I don't think your OH sounds spineless, he sounds like a survivor of an abusive childhood who has been unable to move on as far as he needs to. He needs help if he's going to be a partner worth keeping.
I've taught children from aggressive and emotionally abusive homes and wondered what sort of adults they will make.
I think you need to show him that there are alternative ways to live, and stand up for yourself. Set the rules and the boundaries, explain that they do not have a right to visit if they are not a good influence on your daughters or your marriage.Lead by example.