to find my FIL disgusting and not want him anywhere near my girls?

[2girlsandmaybe3]

Have a very difficult relationship with my in-laws and in particular FIL. The relationship has deteriorated to such an extent that the thought of the man makes me feel physically ill. There are numerous examples where he has behaved in what I feel is a totally unacceptable manner. To give you a flavour I include a few examples:

2 weeks after having a c-section in-laws desended on us at Christmas and expected a full Christmas dinner. While I struggled in pain in the kitchen, barely able to walk, they sat around relaxing. Later got 'told off' for sub-standard food and accused of not being a gracious hostess.

FIL told me it was 'my place' to be at home in the kitchen rather than returning part-time to work.

FIL accusing me of spending too much time and money on myself shopping (after I treated myself to a once a month shopping trip for new work trousers)

Got back from hospital on the day after having dd2 last month to find in-laws furious with rage standing outside house, saying they'd been waiting for ages. They stayed 3 nights ate all my food and drink, didn't help with new baby or offer to look after their other grandaughter. DH asked if they could pop to the supermarket to get a few essentials, they did and then presented us with a receipt for a full refund (total bill came to £9.80) Wouldn't mind but they ate the food that was bought and were quite happy to eat the takeaway I bought for us all without offering to pay their half.

They make no attempt to play or even interact with their granddaughters, do not buy them birthday cards or presents. At christmas dd1 begged her grandad to do a jigsaw with her, he said no and carried on reading the paper.

There are so many examples, some petty, some not so petty. Unfortunately in-laws are due to visit this week and the thought of these people, and especially my FIL holding my new baby makes me feel ill. If it wasn't for my DH I'd have absolutely nothing to do with them. DH and I have fallen out many times over their behaviour but he says at the end of the day, regardless of what they do or how insulting they are to us, they have the right to visit us.

AIBU?

I agree with hecate.

Christ my dh did all the cooking for two weeks after I gave birth, made cups of tea for all the visitors, etc and I gave birth naturally.

But this op's dh isn't apologising for his parents' behavior, he is in fact justifying the behavior with his "they have a right" lines etc.

And the op "assumes they'll be staying in a hotel," who manages the money in your house, op? Do you think your dh has offered to pay their hotel bill? Because it wouldn't surprise me.

Have told DH his parents will have to pay for B&B, they can afford it and to be frank we can't. The next battle is what happens about eating. Told DH that I will not be entering the kitchen at any point (so no endless cups of tea, although they bring their own biscuits with them as apparently ours aren't acceptable!) and if they want to eat at my house then DH will have to organise and cook a meal. In the past I have begged DH to tell his parents that we will go out for a cheap meal somewhere rather than us cook, but his parents prefer us to do the cooking. Wonder what DH will cook

My mother can be a horrible person and a few years ago upset my brother, but mainly upset my SIL. My brother stood up to her and had nothing to do with her for 3 years, wouldn't talk to her, no visits allowed, etc.

They have made up now and mum is better. He had the balls to stand up to her and although it must have been hard cut her out of their lives. So it is possible.

Saying that I don't think I ever could and my mum has been seriously horrible to me at times. I think there is something in that if you have grown up with emotionally abusive parents it is very hard to break away.

2girlsandmaybe3 - good for you! At least you have set the ground rules. I appreciate what you've said about being your own worst enemy. It is difficult to break patterns and speak up when you are used to being beaten down.

Forget about their rights, remember to get yours back! Also consider what message this is showing your girls - this message of female drudgery is surely not an example you want to set.

You've started now, be strong! But keep letting your husband know what this is doing to you, and how his lack of support makes you feel disrespected and less important then his parents.

Don't cave, 2girls. Don't shop for them, don't set foot in that kitchen, don't do the washing up for your DH because you feel sorry for him, etc.

He choses how he acts. He is an adult.

oh well, if you demand they stay in paying ccomodation, the worst thing is...they still might come!

if they don't come, no biggy.

2kids I feel for you. If you arent a confrontational person it can be so difficult to stand up and speak up. Your DH I think is being a bit selfish, ie he would prefer to upset you rather than them, ergo he will not be upset personally as they will have a go at him but you will not. My IL's were pretty interfering at the start of our relationship and I shoudl have nipped it in the bud then, its hard though. It came to a head lately there over an issue with a house we rented to a family member of theirs (damage, breaking lease etc) which they interfered with. To make a long story short I ended up saying in no uncertain terms, do not interefere in my business and stop picking and chosing family members over your son and I, they are wrong you know this, shut up or Fk off! literally! I tell you I felt sooooo good after it.