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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to find my FIL disgusting and not want him anywhere near my girls?

82 replies

2girlsandmaybe3 · 15/06/2010 11:30

Have a very difficult relationship with my in-laws and in particular FIL. The relationship has deteriorated to such an extent that the thought of the man makes me feel physically ill. There are numerous examples where he has behaved in what I feel is a totally unacceptable manner. To give you a flavour I include a few examples:

2 weeks after having a c-section in-laws desended on us at Christmas and expected a full Christmas dinner. While I struggled in pain in the kitchen, barely able to walk, they sat around relaxing. Later got 'told off' for sub-standard food and accused of not being a gracious hostess.

FIL told me it was 'my place' to be at home in the kitchen rather than returning part-time to work.

FIL accusing me of spending too much time and money on myself shopping (after I treated myself to a once a month shopping trip for new work trousers)

Got back from hospital on the day after having dd2 last month to find in-laws furious with rage standing outside house, saying they'd been waiting for ages. They stayed 3 nights ate all my food and drink, didn't help with new baby or offer to look after their other grandaughter. DH asked if they could pop to the supermarket to get a few essentials, they did and then presented us with a receipt for a full refund (total bill came to £9.80) Wouldn't mind but they ate the food that was bought and were quite happy to eat the takeaway I bought for us all without offering to pay their half.

They make no attempt to play or even interact with their granddaughters, do not buy them birthday cards or presents. At christmas dd1 begged her grandad to do a jigsaw with her, he said no and carried on reading the paper.

There are so many examples, some petty, some not so petty. Unfortunately in-laws are due to visit this week and the thought of these people, and especially my FIL holding my new baby makes me feel ill. If it wasn't for my DH I'd have absolutely nothing to do with them. DH and I have fallen out many times over their behaviour but he says at the end of the day, regardless of what they do or how insulting they are to us, they have the right to visit us.

AIBU?

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 15/06/2010 11:54

Why the hell did your DH leave you to cook the dinner?!

weetabixwhiner · 15/06/2010 11:55

I have a horrible FIL and now sadly he's on his own[wonderful MIL died in Dec]. I have had to put up with him for 25 years and now I feel I don't. He's now terribly lonely and I don't care one jot. My DH always laughed off any insults he shot at me, but now I think he really does know what a nasty person his dad is. He doesn't make us visit him anymore. It is up to your DH to stand up to them while your'e not feeling great. Good Luck, I'm sure there are plenty like us out there.

twolittlemonkeys · 15/06/2010 11:57

I'm appalled at your ILs. Agree with everyone else - Talk to your DH and let him deal with his parents. Visitng you is not their 'right' - you have the right to be respected in your own home and treated decently and if they can't comply they don't come. End. Of. Story. If he won't sort them out then it's him you have a problem with and you need to make sure he knows unequivocally that you will not put up with this any longer.

cluelessnchaos · 15/06/2010 12:00

I have to say dh found it really hard to stand up to his father and it took some time, the whole family had spent 30 years bowing to fils every whim and desire and then I come along and upset the apple cart, it has taken time and a lot of tears and arguments for him to stand up to his father, it took a while for him to see what I was seeing and for a long time he felt very embarassed and wanted to ignore it, when I compared the relationship to the one I have with my father I would never allow him or anyone else to talk to me the way fil does, it is hard on dh but they have to try.

LadyintheRadiator · 15/06/2010 12:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

2girlsandmaybe3 · 15/06/2010 12:03

yes I know, I'm my own worst enemy. I'm normally a pretty confident person but somehow found myself brainwashed into the little wife cooking slap up meals in the kitchen and making endless cups of tea for ungrateful guests. FIL is proud of the fact that he doesn't even know how to use a washing machine so I think maybe my DH is happy for me to do all the running around. However I am much firmer now in that I let DH make the endless cups of tea, make dinners, and generally entertain them. DH now knows that I wont let his parents treat me like shit anymore, but he is still happy for them to treat him like dirt...

OP posts:

wannaBe · 15/06/2010 12:05

I imagine he's been downtrodden by them all his life tbh hence why he can't see past the way they treat you.

But IMO you need to have a serious discussion about this, and if it means you have to fall out/deliver ultimatums then so be it.

Your dh needs to understand that the way his parents treat you is not acceptable. Ask him how he will feel when someone who is not related to his is treating his daughter like this in twenty years time. Will he think it's ok then?

Morloth · 15/06/2010 12:06

That's his choice, you can only control you.

Good old Dr Phil says 'You teach people how to treat you', he is right.

MiladyDeScorchio · 15/06/2010 12:14

I always think that if I had known my ex FIL better I wouldn't have married my first husband. I saw FIL just a few times and thought he was joking but MIL took great pains to hide that she ("fatty!" ) really was a skivvy.

This message was passed onto her sons. ExH changed sooooo quickly as soon as we were married and I fell pregnant and that I had to get him gone before dd was six months old.

Could say it's especially important for a daughter to see that this is not acceptable but then again, equally important that sons don't learn this sort of twatishness IMO.

bleedingheart · 15/06/2010 12:17

YANBU! I don't even understand why they want to visit if they aren't interested in mucking in or even seem to like you (free food perhaps?).

I agree that your DH needs to stand up to them but he has probably been brainwashed into it too.

I'm shocked that people can be so selfish and rude!

UndomesticHousewife · 15/06/2010 12:21

Just wondering why you don't stand up for yourself and answer back to your in laws. I know it's difficult but that would at least show them that you will not be spoken to and treated in this manner.
If it causes a row, then it does. They're not bothered about how they speak to you so you should learn by example!

Original poster

2girlsandmaybe3 · 15/06/2010 12:28

In the past have just kept quiet so as not to rock the boat for my DH's sake. Whenever I did say anything back eg when FIL said I should not return to work after having dd and I explained I needed to work to pay the mortgage, it is DH who feels the full force of his dad's anger.

OP posts:

Morloth · 15/06/2010 12:30

You can't do anything about their relationship though, you can only decide what you are prepared to put up with for yourself and your DDs.

Who cares if his Dad is angry? Your DH is an adult, FIL has no power over him.

GeekOfTheWeek · 15/06/2010 12:32

No one has a right to visit you or even to have a relationship with you.

Quite frankly, if my dh allowed his parents to treat me like your ils do, I would divorce him.

Your dh sounds a spineless twat tbh.

Would you like your daughters to be treated this way? By doing nothing they are likely to view such behaviour as normal.

TottWriter · 15/06/2010 12:39

OP, if your FIL verbally abuses your DH when you stand up for yourself, don't you think that's the sort of thing that would eventually tip your DH over the edge and make him stand up for himself too?

Maybe forcing him to confront the vicious nature of his father will benefit both of you in the long term. In the short term, there is no way on earth that you should be expected to put up with this in your own home. ANd, especially since your FIL cares about his grandchildren so little, why not tell your DH that he can see his parents if he wants, but you don't feel the need to subject yourself and your children to abuse while he's there. Take them off somewhere yourself.

expatinscotland · 15/06/2010 12:39

Why are you still with their son? What on Earth do you find redeemable about a spineless jessy who allows his parents to treat his wife like this? Oh, and, back at that Xmas dinner after your CS, your husband should have told them not to come, so basically, he colluded with them.

Miggsie · 15/06/2010 12:41

Get your DH the toxic parents book and make him read it and discuss it.

My dad was like this and let his parents treat my mother like shit for their entire 40 year marriage.
He had been totally brainwashed into not standing up to his mother EVER. She was a narcissist by the way and grand dad was her enabler.

Anyway it caused ructions for years and really drove a wedge in my parent's marriage. When my mother was dying she said to my dad "why did you never defend me from your mother?" which has always stuck with me.

Now, 20 years after granny's death I got my dad to admit his mother was a 1st prize bitch. But he said "she was my mum" and I said "but she made MY MUMs life a misery, and she had no right to do that."

Really, talk to your DH, he is thinking your parents being foul is more important than other people's feelings, than YOUR feelings, but this is becuase they have conditioned him, he has to break free.

You need to cut them off and your DH must admit what utter shits they are.
(Not easy).

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 15/06/2010 12:43

I don't think he sounds like a spineless twat, he was brought up by these people after all, and did what he had to to survive the process. BUT he needs to learn what adult family relationships are like. If my dad gets angry with me then I don't like it, but it certainly doesn't affect me the way it would have when I was seven. It doesn't sound like he's made that leap. Maybe have a look on the toxic parents thread in relationships and get some advice. It sounds like you're doing what you can. He needs to realise that he is a grown man and his parents don't own him.

Morloth · 15/06/2010 12:45

He expected and allowed his wife to cook a full Christmas meal and wait on them 2 weeks after having a c-section.

Sineless Twat is kinder than Evil Bastard which is the other option.

I barely get out of bed for the first 3 weeks or so after giving birth, cause my husband bends over backwards to care for me.

Tidey · 15/06/2010 12:47

Haven't read all of thread yet, but so far

What The Fuck??

skihorse · 15/06/2010 12:47

Why aren't you voicing any of this or are they mind-readers?

Original poster

2girlsandmaybe3 · 15/06/2010 12:51

To answer the question about why am I still with DH when he lets his parents treat me/us like this, well the simple answer is that I love him and have two children with him. I accept that he is weak with regard to his parents but in every other part of our lives he is fantastic. I agree with other posters that he is the way he is with regard to his parents because he has been bullied and controlled by them for 30 years, so very difficult for him to find the ability to become confident and assertive in his dealings with them after all this time.

OP posts:

Tortington · 15/06/2010 12:53

i think that by saying 'your daughters' you are using a parental responsability to exclude this part of the family from your life.

add that to other posts about the general lack of respect perhaps from your dh, and i think you should explore this.

i wouldnt want this man near me, as the comments were directed at me and so i would tell dh that his family could go kiss my fucking arse and they are not welcome in my home.

He could therefore do with this and manage this as he wants.

but if they want to come for a visit after you have told him this - he has to manage the situation to navigate them from coming to your home, and perhaps he should visit them - yes, even with your girls.

Tidey · 15/06/2010 12:57

They sound like freeloading arseholes, tbh. I'm sure it's a very difficult situation for you, but if my ILs treated me like this I would expect DP to stand up for me. You just cannot continue to put up with people taking the piss like they are.

expatinscotland · 15/06/2010 12:59

And if my husband didn't stand up for me, then I'd stand up for myself.

I'd tell them in no uncertain terms if they don't like XYZ then either get their son to do it or talk to the hand.

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