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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wait to get married until I have more money...whenever that may be.

29 replies

spybear · 15/06/2010 09:32

DP and I have been together for 8 yrs, we have 4 DC.

We always intended on getting married, but things have always got in the way, such as children, needing a car, bills ect.

The children have his surname, and I don't like having a different name. Also I would like to be married, but feel I am only (hopfully) going to do it once so would like it to be perfect.

I don't want a massive wedding, about £5,000 would be enough for everything I want...but we don't have that money and saving would take a good few years and would mean going without holidays ect.

In your humble opinion mnet ladies, should I stop wasting time and just do it on the cheap or save for exactly what I want.

(DP would just like to get married BTW, he doesn't care about 'the day'.)

OP posts:
CMOTdibbler · 15/06/2010 09:35

Just get on and get married. You can have a special party anytime later when you have the money, but can have a lovely day on an awful lot less

flockwallpaper · 15/06/2010 09:39

I would just do it on the cheap if I were you - it is still possible to make the day special on a lower budget. We did it by restricting the number of guests to close family and friends and have no regrets. We knew that we would probably not get around to it if we saved for a wedding, as other expenses always seem to take priority. But I am not you, do you think you would have any regrets if you don't have the day that you really want? An alternative could be to change your name to his by deed poll, then marry at your leisure.

DilysPrice · 15/06/2010 09:46

Have you got all the paperwork in place? Wills, parental responsibility, pensions?
Marriage tidies a lot of that stuff up.

If either of you were run over by a bus tomorrow and decisions had to be made about your hospital treatment, then that would be done by your next of kin - i.e. your parents/siblings - marriage is a declaration that you are each other's next of kin.

Changing your name to his is the very least of the issues - you can sort most of them out without marrying, but you really shouldn't let them drift.

pumperspumpkin · 15/06/2010 09:46

YABU if money is the only thing holding you back, particularly when you don't even have a concrete date in mind when you will do it. You, or your DP, could get run over by a bus tomorrow. The important thing is being married if that's what you want, and marrying the man you love (and the father of your children) should make the day quite special enough.

chandellina · 15/06/2010 09:49

given the choice between a few year's holidays and a wedding, i'd take the holidays. if it means that much to you, save up for it, but i'd just get married on the cheap.

Drusilla · 15/06/2010 09:51

Do it on the cheap - marriage is about the rest of your lives, not the wedding day.

archstanton · 15/06/2010 09:52

Just do it!
I soooo wish we'd spent 20k on something more useful than paying for the lunch of lots of people we never see and barely know.

I have a 2.5k Ian Stuart wedding dress sat upstairs in a box gathering dust. What a stupid waste of money.

Katz · 15/06/2010 09:54

Do it on the cheap - make it a fun occasion, get family to bring a dish to a make a buffet, get a cheaper dress, get someone to make the cake as a present - just go for it.

SolidGoldBrass · 15/06/2010 09:58

You can do it cheaply without going down the horsehair-tampon-martyrdom route that some MNers often seem to advocate on wedding threads.
Firstly, pick a weekday - everything is cheaper on weekdays. You might even be able to negotiate a really good rate for a meal/drinks in a venue that is normally slack on weekdays. Secondly, use the likes of Ebay for new outfits. Thirdly, keep the guest list to just immediate family and maybe best friends (ie less than 20 people).
YOu can always have a rampageous party a year or two down the line as an anniversary bash.

Zondra · 15/06/2010 10:00

Just do it!

We got married 6 weeks after DH proposed.

Done it on the cheap but,certainly not cheaply iykwim?
In fact,it was rather classy if Ido say so myself!

It honestly can be done.
With a bit of imagination & flair you can have a perfect day for not too many ££££s.

misdee · 15/06/2010 10:04

it can be done cheap.

we got married on a Friday. It meant that the hall we used for recpetion was just £20 for the cleaner at the end.

did flowers and food ourselves. dress was second hand. dh and best man hired his suit. luckily FIL had a vintage car which we used. mums friend made out cake.

might scan some pics in later.

all in was under £1k

fp10 · 15/06/2010 10:07

Just get married! You will never have the money for the exact wedding you want, because something will always come up. A lot of charity shops now have wedding sections. Some of these (one near me in particular) have new dresses too. Not sure but I think they are end of line, sample, designer clear outs, etc going for about £200 or so.

A weekday is a great idea, especially if it is in the afternoon and people can then just take half a day off if they can't get a full day off work.

Besides, in 5 years, you can have a fabulous anniversary party if you manage to get lots of money by then!!!!!!!

Zondra · 15/06/2010 10:09

misdee get the pics up!

I love looking at wedding pics!(I am v.nosey...)

misdee · 15/06/2010 10:12

will scan in a couple. it was 11 years ago this august though. styles have changed a bit lol.

Zondra · 15/06/2010 10:23

Mine's was 12 years ago,so,maybe I should scan mine in to compare our lovely late 90's weddings!

misdee · 15/06/2010 10:23

hmmm album appears to have wandered.

also as had been together a while, people gave their time rather than presents. so plates of food for buffet etc.

bridesmaids dresses were £20 each from new look. just simple dresses. looked really nice.

diamondsandtiaras · 15/06/2010 11:32

Do it on the cheap and start saving to have an anniversary party next year or the year after? Or even to renew your vows in 10 years time. The day doesn't matter. I had a relatively expensive wedding (although nothing OTT) and although it was a lovely day, so much has happened since (DDs etc) that I never even think about it..........haven't even looked at the (very expensive) photos since about 6 months after the wedding (4 years ago!)

It's the sentiment and committment that matters, not dresses and cakes etc etc.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 15/06/2010 11:35

I think it depends if you want to be married or if you want to have your wedding day, iyswim.

Nothing wrong with wanting your wedding day btw I'm not bashing that.

Me, I didn't care about the day. Didn't want My Day. I wanted to be married. tbh, I wanted the legal bit over with cos I was terrified he was going to change his mind and leg it

So it was pay reg office. buy a cheap outfit, repeat the words, sign the book, lunch in a pub, piss up in a different pub, back home. Job done. Married.

I can never even remember the anniversary. . Good job it's 3 days after my sister's anniversary & my mum's birthday and they keep talking about it or I'd never bloody remember it! I only remember the year because it's the year before my first son was born!

Mind you, last night I was filling in a form and had to ask Himself how old I was

So am I without heart, romantic bone in my body or am I just going senile?

anyway, back to you. Spend money on your wedding day if the day matters to you or do it in the reg office if you just want to be married. There's no reasonable or unreasonable. Just your preference.

MrsC2010 · 15/06/2010 11:41

Personally I would do it. I wanted to get married, as against have a wedding if you see what I mean. We had a fairly traditional day, and were wed 5 months after engagement. We got married on a Friday, believe it or not this was about half the price of the following day!

It CAN be done, beautifully (not saying mine was beautiful though obviously I think it was, but many of my friends haven't spent a fortune) for not much money...I would far rather be married and be getting on with our marriage than waiting.

But equally, if you want to wait YANBU...it is up to the two of you and no-one else.

For what it's worth, I have been to some very expensive weddings (£30k+ buys a whole lot of stuff...house deposit anyone?!) but have had a far more personal and intimate time at some of the cheaper ones as it shows real thought as to how things will work etc. I 'only' spent £500 on my wedding dress, and now I don't know what to do with it! It is vacuum packed in the attic! Waste.

paisleyleaf · 15/06/2010 13:41

I agree with everyone else. Let the children have the "holidays etc" and have a special day on a smaller budget. I know from my own wedding that it can be wonderful without spending thousands of £££
We got married on a friday and kept the guest list small.
What do the rest of your family think?

ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave · 15/06/2010 13:47

If you want to be married, rather than wanting to have a Wedding, then do it now on the cheap (preferably on a weekday as others have said). Then if you have more disposable cash in five or ten years throw a big anniversary party.

Squitten · 15/06/2010 14:11

I would just get on with it if I were in your shoes. Perhaps save up for a special honeymoon/anniversary/family holiday somewhere exotic?

EnglandAllenPoe · 15/06/2010 14:20

have a nice but small wedding (i think ours camme in at 3k all told including stag do hen night etc., though my brothers was £500 garden-party format and just as nice) after all for any other family party £500 would be a huge budget.

my one piece of advice: if your kids are very tiny they can spoil it a bit (I was pg for my own, and DD decided she was going to scream any time i put her down. It did reduce the magic somewhat) - but then we'd have to put it off another 3 years at least to avoid that....

StarExpat · 15/06/2010 14:23

Oh do it with less money, definitely. We didn't spend a lot on our wedding, but I still think we could have spent less and looking back, it's definitely worth making it special, but it doesn't need to cost £5K. If it will take a few years to save up that much, you could probably spend that £5K on a few special holidays or something else even. It's a lot for just one day. It can be special without costing a lot.

FortunateHamster · 15/06/2010 14:41

It's easy enough to do on the cheap - registry office, small meal in a restaurant or buffet in a local hall. Off the peg nice (but not necessarily made for brides) and reasonably priced dress. Go for it!

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