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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is my friend being unreasonable, or am I?

35 replies

custardismyhamster · 08/06/2010 23:57

I think she is!

We've got talking about babies, I said I'd love kids but my DP doesn't want them YET. We are 23, he is starting uni in sept, we don't live together. Plan is to get a house maybe a few years after he finishes uni, so about 30, then try for a baby when we are financially a bit more secure. I told her I'm a bit worried that at that age I may not be able to have a baby (I may not be able to NOW I realise that) but was just generally chatting.

She reckons I should just have one now and not let him know I'm trying. I feel thats tricking him into a child he doesn't want and is totally unfair.

We use condoms so not 100% and of course if one split and I got pregnant then we'd have to deal if it happened. But I don't think actively trying for a baby when DP doesn't want it yet is fair or any basis for a relationship.

Makes me wonder if her DP knew seen as they'd not been together long when her DD was born...hmm!

OP posts:
Alambil · 08/06/2010 23:58

you're being sensible and 30 is by no means old on the child bearing stakes

TiggyD · 09/06/2010 00:01

Deliberately having a baby when your partner doesn't want one is very unreasonable and wrong.

secunda · 09/06/2010 00:01

You are being sensible. Now is not the time for a child, 30 is fine. It is not any more OK to make a man be a father against his will than it is to make a woman a mother against her will.

Original poster
custardismyhamster · 09/06/2010 00:05

Thanks-she's stopped talking to me now as I told her I wanted us to have our own house etc-somehow that may have offended her methinks

I didn't mean 30 is too old by the way in case anyone thinks that-I know plenty who have had children in their 30s. I just would rather be a younger mum-I do really, really want children now (but head rules heart and it's not a good situation to have them still living with parents etc)

OP posts:
DSM · 09/06/2010 00:25

if this is for real...

Neither of you BU, you have made different choices.

Pancakeflipper · 09/06/2010 00:27

Can I ask why you are on mumsnet? If kids are not in the equation - well why here?

Tiredmumno1 · 09/06/2010 00:30

It will happen when the time is right

MrsHarkness · 09/06/2010 06:53
Hmm
Fibilou · 09/06/2010 09:07

Didn't realise there was clause in membership which says you must have children to post on MN, Pancakeflipper .

Who are you to say whether OP should be on here ?

echt · 09/06/2010 10:13

Quite right, Fibilou.

Jesus, the clue is the name, pancakeflipper. MN.

shockers · 09/06/2010 10:25
Confused
Original poster
custardismyhamster · 09/06/2010 10:26

I'm on mumsnet because I like to use the forums, started looking on here to find out more about pregnancy to help and support a pregnant friend as I am quite frankly clueless.

Didn't know I HAD to have a child to be on here. I thought there was a section for trying to concieve (surely a lot of them don't already have a child?) and a section for nannies, childminders and aupairs-surely your average aupair doesn't have their own children?

OP posts:
compo · 09/06/2010 10:29

Aw sounds like you'd really like them now deep down

gizzy1973 · 09/06/2010 10:32

I have been coming on here for a few years and only recently had my son - he is 5 months old
so clearly i have been using the site wrongly as well

I would say you arent being unreasonable just sensible - i too would have liked children in my 20's but it wasnt practicle and i am so so glad i waited until i was settled and more mature ( i am 36)

HousewifeOfOrangeCounty · 09/06/2010 10:38

When I was in my twenties I really wanted to have a baby and my husband wanted to wait a bit. Friends suggested that I 'accidentally' got pg and said he'd be happy if it happened. Like you I felt this was wrong and that I'd always know that I'd been dishonest, which wasn't how I would want to feel about a baby.

To this day I'm so pleased that I resisted the temptation to get pg as my husband left me. Fortunately I later met my dh and we went on to have three babies. I has to be right for both of you.

LunaticFringe · 09/06/2010 10:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mayorquimby · 09/06/2010 11:33

nothing would see me shot of a woman quicker then if I discovered she'd accidentally gotten pregnant. I doubt I'd ever actually speak to them again about anything other than the child and making arrangments to see them etc.
Your being completely sensible.

TheFruitWhisperer · 09/06/2010 11:41

My boss once mentioned her brothers GF really wanted to get married. Advice from another manager was 'she should get pregnant'

Are we really using our bodies to force men into bending to our will. That sounds pretty much like blackmail to me.

TrillianAstra · 09/06/2010 11:49

Do you want them now? It sounds as if his saying 'not yet' has allowed you to not really think about whether you would actually want them now if he said 'ok'.

I don't have chlidren, am not TTC, don't work with children. Just like to chat with adults who don't talk in txtspk. That's why I'm here.

Your friend is being weird. Does she have children and want other people to have them to keep her company?

MayorQuimby I assume you mean 'if she has accidentally-on-purpose gotten preganant', not if it was a real accident.

ILoveFrogs · 09/06/2010 11:54

I think you know the answer to this, of course YANBU, it is never OK to trick anyone into having a baby.

biddysmama · 09/06/2010 11:55

i would just like to point out that getting pregnant 'accidentaly' to a man that doesnt want children doesnt mean that he will change his mind and stick around and be a fantastic dad.... i got pregnant with dd while on the pill to a man that didnt want anymore children... he told me to have an abortion or bring the baby up myself.... he has not met dd who is now 14 months old...

justonemorethen · 09/06/2010 12:40

Mmmm. Think "planning" is overrated. Literally anything could happen between now and 30.
My child was the result of such a random sequence of events you just had to wonder if there is a plan!

Don't bother tricking him into it obviously, the fall out will catch up with you one day.

However the desire to have a child is as valid, if not more so, then the dream of going to Uni. After all it's basic biological urge and that needs to be respected.

By the way a friend of mine had exactly the same senario. She got pregnant (genuine accident) and had a beautiful baby boy.Unfortunately right at the end of the Uni course the father of the child had a heart attack and died. A tragic situation and she was obviously shocked on finding herself alone with a toddler.Although she regrets being a single mum so young she in no way regrets having a child young and because of her age still has the opportunity of meeting a new man and having more children (and now has her own degree and good job)

mayorquimby · 09/06/2010 12:41

"MayorQuimby I assume you mean 'if she has accidentally-on-purpose gotten preganant', not if it was a real accident."

sorry yes of course. that was a rather pertinent piece of information I over-looked.

AuntieMaggie · 09/06/2010 12:50

I don't have children and I've been coming on here for years too... though it sometimes feels like I have children as I take care of my sisters kids so much....

Don't trick him - he'll find out one day and you don't want to bring a child into that.

I'm 33 so hope that 30 isn't too old to have kids!

I would wait til after his course as uni, especially as a mature student (yes at 23) is quite stressful.

Seona1973 · 09/06/2010 13:02

I wanted kids at a younger age than dh did but we set a sort of deadline in that we would have a baby by the time I was 30. I then went on to have dd 15 days before my 30th birthday!!

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