is my friend being unreasonable, or am I?

[custardismyhamster]

I think she is!

We've got talking about babies, I said I'd love kids but my DP doesn't want them YET. We are 23, he is starting uni in sept, we don't live together. Plan is to get a house maybe a few years after he finishes uni, so about 30, then try for a baby when we are financially a bit more secure. I told her I'm a bit worried that at that age I may not be able to have a baby (I may not be able to NOW I realise that) but was just generally chatting.

She reckons I should just have one now and not let him know I'm trying. I feel thats tricking him into a child he doesn't want and is totally unfair.

We use condoms so not 100% and of course if one split and I got pregnant then we'd have to deal if it happened. But I don't think actively trying for a baby when DP doesn't want it yet is fair or any basis for a relationship.

Makes me wonder if her DP knew seen as they'd not been together long when her DD was born...hmm!

I am so glad the father of my child is not the man or any man I dated at 23, you change so much as a person between 20 and 30 I find and a child is a life long commitment to the other person as well as the child.
You sound like you have your head screwed on.

I was 23 when I married DH and would have happily started ttc right away. He wanted to wait though, and I'm glad we did (I'm now 28 and have 3 month old DD) as having a baby changes everything. I'm now really glad we had a few years 'just the two of us' first.

Your friend is BU for suggesting you trick your DP into getting you pregnant. The decision to have a child needs to be made by both partners.

7 more years is a long time to wait if you want them now but talk to your dp about it rather than have one just by lying, or if you are happy to wait then its your business isnt it?

i think you're right about not trying to conceive without him knowing (and if you're using condoms, i think he'd notice, unless you're going to put a pin in every one)

If you feel strongly about wanting children while you're younger, please talk to your DH.

It is a long time to wait, and never is really the right time, but we take the choices as they come along.

I'm sure if your DH has said that he wants kids one day, he wouldn't be devastated if one came by accident (and i mean a REAL accident, not a contrived one)
your friend is clearly a loon.

Ps, i'm not a mum or expecting either. i first signed up on here to keep up-to-date with the latest book trends and fads and got rather addicted...)

She us being very unreasonable!

Tricking a man into having a child with you is absolutely disgraceful.

I know women do it and that is why I will be warning my son, once he is old enough, not to trust any woman with contraception.

You are definately being sensible and really showing that you love your partner by not taking her advice.

OP, 23 is very young to start a family, wait AT LEAST another 7 years.

You'll know when you're both ready or fate will intervene and it will just happen, as it did for us.

But don't trick him. He might be happy but he might not and it's not a nice thing to do to either him or the child.

I know plenty of men who are fab fathers at 30 who would have been terrible ones at 23, because they weren't nearly in the place to be a father. If you want children, you have to want the best for them, so keep thinking the way you are.

We got married when we were 22 and had just finished university. But we decided to wait 5 years before TTC because we wanted some financial stability before we had children. DH was happy to get married that young but felt he was too young to have kids - I respected that I never would have tricked him even though he'd have got over it pretty fast if I had got pregnant earlier. My PFB was born the week I turned 29, just over 6 years after we got married.

You are being sensible.