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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave seven year old DD alone at home for short periods?

445 replies

firstaibu · 08/06/2010 23:55

I've name changed for this as am fearing a flaming...

I'm not talking about leaving her for an evening or anything like that, but on several of occasions recently I've left her at home while I go to the supermarket. She didn't want to come with me, and I usually leave her sitting in the car reading when I go to the supermarket anyway. I lock the front door and she knows to ignore it if anyone knocks. She has the cordless phone and knows how to ring my mobile (she has repeatedly demonstrated this to me), and also how to ring 999. In an emergency, she could unlock the gate at the bottom of the garden to get out into the street. I phone her at least once while I'm out. She's seven and a half, and reasonably sensible; I'm confident that she just sits and reads, or plays the wii. I'm never gone more than an hour.

I know a lot of you will think I'm being very U, but is there anyone out there that does this too, or doesn't think I'm a horrendously neglectful parent?

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 10/06/2010 19:33

sorry -bear in mind!also sorry about other mistakes-writing in haste.

biryani · 10/06/2010 19:38

YANBU. Good for you for having the confidence to trust your own instincts.

mumeeee · 10/06/2010 19:50

Sorry YABU. How ever sensible a seven year old sems. They are much too young to be left at home on thier own, They are not mature enough to deal with any emergancies or unexpected circumstances that might occur while you are out.

prettybird · 10/06/2010 19:53

A number of people have quoted the NSPCC's guidlines as saying that under 12s should not be left alone. That isn't what they say: they say "They should not be left
alone for more than a very short time" - so the debate would really be about the definition of a "very short period of time".

The Scottish police made a statement once for an article in the Herald on this very topic that some 15 year olds are not to be trusted on their own, while other 9 year olds can be - you do have to make a judgement.

Travellerintime · 10/06/2010 20:20

Why would you, though? Why don't you just take her with you? I think at 7 it's too much of a risk - you say she's 'reasonably' sensible - to me, that suggests you have doubts yourself. Leave it a year or two until you're sure she's absolutely sensible.

abr1de · 10/06/2010 20:37

Well done the Scottish police. They talk sense.

I would leave one child at a younger age than another because he was very relaxed about being left. The other one is more nervous so I don't leave her as often or for as long.

Horses for courses. And me leaving my kids in our little village, with kindly neighbours, isn't like leaving them in a rough part of a city, with strangers around.

bigstripeytiger · 10/06/2010 20:46

My DD1 is 7, and I think that she would be safe to be left at home for short periods. She is very sensible. I have never left her alone though, because she has 2 younger siblings who would not be safe to be left alone (and I suspect wont be even when they are the age that DD1 is now).
When I was 7 I was walking to school on my own, walking back, letting myself in to the house after school and then waiting till my parents got home from work. I didnt come to any harm, but cant imagine letting my 7 year old have that much freedom. Times have changed I think. I believe that my 7 year old would be able to walk to school on her own, but as all the other children her age dont, I think that she would look very small and vulnerable if she did walk in on her own.

Amberc · 10/06/2010 20:49

My sister and I were left on our own from quite an early age and we generally just watched TV and dressed up in our parents clothes . However something bad did happen once (something really bad) which would not have occured if an adult were present. Even with this in mind I think bad stuff like this is very rare. I also think that each child is different and you can't put an age on maturity - they are ready when they are ready. Perhaps your 7 year old is ready when some 10 YOs are not.

Amberc · 10/06/2010 20:52

Sorry for double post!

Pattie16 · 10/06/2010 21:13

No this is too young, I've only just left my 11 year old in the house for very short periods. He is usually on the XBOX, but he is sensible. I know he wouldn't let anyone in but what if he starts playing with plugs, gas or matches? I know I was inquisitive at that age, I nearly electrocuted myself! I do leave him longer with his 15 yr old brother, my only worry is if he strangles him!

Original poster
firstaibu · 10/06/2010 21:33

Amberc I'm sorry to hear that something awful happened. I'd expect you to think, on the basis of that, that I was BVVU to leave DD alone, so thank you for such a measured response.

prettybird I loved reading your post - how refreshing that you give your DS so much responsibility and independence!

abr1de I think that is the key; knowing your child and their own personalities and levels of maturity/independence.

OP posts:
noodle6 · 10/06/2010 21:57

Personally I think, since you know your child best, and you think your child is mature enough to cope with being alone for short periods of time, then do it if you're comfortable with it. Just make sure you rehearse all the possible dangerous scenarios first, and give her the "no talking to strangers" drill a once over

piscesmoon · 10/06/2010 22:01

The Scottish police seem the voice of common sense.

borderslass · 10/06/2010 22:07

dd1 used to have to let herself in once a week at 7 after school as I was at various hospital appointments and dh was working but she had the neighbours to call on if she was worried.by the age of 11 she often looked after ds and dd2.

dorisbumble · 10/06/2010 22:14

absolutely not...i set the house on fire when i was 10!!!

treedelivery · 10/06/2010 22:17

I think another way to really look at this issue is to see if you would leave your child on their own when you didn't actually have to. As part of a measured plan to let them embrace independence. What are the motives. If it's to make lfe easier, and if in all honesty you think you would much rather have a lve in fairy Godmother to sit with her - then don't do it. Find a way around it.
If you think that you would tell the fairy Godmother to take a walk and let your child have 20 mins to gan some independance, then maybe it is your parentng style.

So for example, my mum left me at 7, as she simply had to. She wouldn't have done it if she hadn't been in the situation she was in. So that for me is the answer, she shouldn't have done it. SHe did, and once I roamed the streets lost and locked out, and once I got an electric shock and nearly set fire to the flat.

prettybird · 10/06/2010 22:22

Thanks firstaibu

From P4 or 5 (age about 9 or 10) I was walking home from school with db (2 years younger than me) and letting myself in on some days as mum was at uni. There were no after-school care facilioties in those days. School finished at 4 in those days (a long time ago ) and mum got home at about 5, so we weren't on our own for long.

It wasn't unusual in those days.

What makes me is that there are some things that I think ds is capable of that I don't let him do, not because I don't want to, but becasue I am worried what other people think

Ds is conscious of it too: he has just started walking to Cubs on his own. He wasn't sure about it initially "as no-one else does", so we agreed that one of us would pick him up (which I'd have done anyway) but now really enjoys it.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 10/06/2010 22:43

If a child in my care at school told me their mum left them at home whilst she went shopping I would probably fill in a 'cause for concern' form and pass it to the child welfare officer

you need to be careful, because aside from safety concerns, if your dd mentions to a teacher that she is left alone, school may contact a child protection worker

I know there is no specific age limit, but it could be seen as a possible indicator of neglect in other areas by school staff who don't know you otherwise.

piscesmoon · 10/06/2010 22:55

I couldn't possibly say that about a DC in my care at school, it would depend entirely on the DC and the parent.
I have to say that if I had decided as the parent that my DC was happpy about it, wanted to be left,I had a mobile, neighbours and rules that I knew he would keep to -I would be asking for an appointment at school to see why the school had filled in a form without discussing it with me first-especially as they know that I am a fully responsible, loving parent. I would have great issue with the child protection worker-with all the arguments I have put forward here! My child is not at risk, I am not negligent-I am helping them to be independent. There is no reason to be scared of officialdom. Sensible teachers would know the DC and know the family.

piscesmoon · 10/06/2010 22:58

There would have to be real concerns about neglect-a loving, responsible parent who pops to the shops isn't going to be reported by a teacher-it is sheer scaremongering!

piscesmoon · 10/06/2010 23:00

I would just let the child protection worker talk to my mature, sensible DC. The teacher would know that he was mature and sensible! If he wasn't I wouldn't leave him!!

iwastooearlytobeayummymummy · 10/06/2010 23:10

As this post is now so long I have scan read it, but I agree with others with regards to incidents that may delay you getting back in time: car prangs, traffic jams, etc

And would like to add situations beyond your control.

We left our older 2 'home alone ' for the first time when they were 10 and 8 and in that 1 hour and 15 minutes the frigging hamster snuffed it!

Still recall the anguished sobbing and reassurances and the mad dash home.

They are over it now, but there again they are young adults.

7 is too young for an hour, 10 mins max imo.
and that's with a neighbour on stand by

superfrenchie1 · 10/06/2010 23:47

i couldn't leave a 7 year old for longer than 5 minutes, no, not until 10 or 11.

i remember being left about that age and being terrified. as soon as the adult(s) leave and the door shuts behind them you get this awful fear. you start to hear scary noises and imagine monsters, rats, whatever, coming to get you. i know my ds (nearly 7) is a sensitive soul and i won't be leaving him alone for years except for short periods.

i am trying to make myself be less overprotective and i'm all for independence, but at the same time, i have to go with my instincts.

even when i stop at a garage i hate leaving the dcs in the car, even if i can see them at all times. i walk around the garage like a loony grabbing stuff and keeping my eyes on the car at all times. i don't know why! i live in a city though, i am waaaay more relaxed in the countryside where there is more space.

oh and to all those who were saying "would you prefer your dcs to be in the car crash with you" - personally i don't imagine a car crash, i imagine the car breaking down, the mobile phone getting lost or not working, your handbag being snatched... there are things that can happen that could delay your return to the house and freak your child out and mean you are not contactable in an emergency, which is what would make me uncomfortable

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 11/06/2010 00:01

'There would have to be real concerns about neglect-a loving, responsible parent who pops to the shops isn't going to be reported by a teacher-it is sheer scaremongering!'

actually, it is procedure at my school to report any matters of cp, however small, on a cause for concern form
our cp policy gives this as the first step that should be taken, before parents are called even
whether it is acted upon is at the discretion of the appropriate staff member

and doing a full supermarket shop and being away for an hour+ is not what I would call 'popping to the shop'

harverina · 11/06/2010 00:12

Morecrack I agree. It is my opinion that it would be extremely irresponsible to leave a 7yo at home alone. Teachers have a legal responsibility to pass concerns on to social services and if anything was to happen to your child while left at home alone...even a small injury...this is likely to be perceived as neglect. 7 year olds do not have a mature sense of danger. They rely on responsible adults to meet some of their very basic care needs...i don't think I would even leave a 7 year old in a different room in the house for an hour without checking on them!