to not want him to call him "grandad"?

[illuminasam]

My father died 10 years ago when I was 30 and my mother re-married 2 years later. I like my stepdad, he's a nice enough man and I'm glad my mum is happy. He's very different to my dad though and has some views I don't agree with.

Now that I have a son (4 months old) the question has arisen of DS should call him. My mum wants him to be called Grandpa but I said I'd be more comfortable with just his first name, J. She thought this would be "disrespectful to an older person".

She has now come to me saying that he feels excluded which has put me in a difficult position. I don't want him to feel excluded but I don't want to feel uncomfortable with what he's called either!

I was very close to my Dad and it took me a while to feel comfortable with my mum remarrying quite soon after he died. I want DS to think of my dad as Grandad (dead or alive). My mum's opinion is that my father is dead and J will be the grandfather figure and should be called as such.

Calling him "Grandpa J" has been suggested, as has "Gramps". Both of these feel a bit close to Grandpa to me.

AIBU?

my dc's call my step dad gramps

A little bit U TBH. If this is the only 'grandpa' that your DS will know, then why would it not be ok. It doesn't make your dad any less a grandpa, but sadly he can't be there for your DS. I think Grandpa J is a great compromise. We used to use that for our great aunt's and uncles (ie our grandparent's siblings).

I think perhaps you are being a little U.He is Grandma's dh after all.My dh is step grandad to dd's dc who call him 'Hairy Grandad' as he has a beard!My ds's dd calls him by his first name and he is happy with that.I am step Gran to 6 dc and have a 'pet' version of Grandma which I love.Do let the poor man feel included I like the Grandpa xxx option myself.

Yeah, I have a step dad and he is grandad to DD. I am sorry about your dad, and can understand why it hurts and I agree with the Grandad J idea.

DD's got 3 grandads - grandad no pub (he used to have a pub and was therefore called grandad pub...
Nanna Grandad and Nanny Grandad LOL mad

What about letting your DC's gurgles and coos name him? My gran is called Kiku because that's what I said to her (she claims) when I was a few months old.

That way, he isn't officially Grandpa but something that is inclusive and special for him.

It has to be your decision, I don't agree with your mum that it's disrespectful not too and I'm quite into calling everyone auntie and uncle!

Saying that I wouldn't feel right with just calling him by his name and uncle is a little weird in the circumstances. However calling him Grandpa or any variation wouldn't be taking anything away from your own dad if that's the concern, there's no reason for them to not be told that they have three grandads and to know how special your dad is.

What sort of relationship do you think your son will develop with your stepfather? The name could reflect that, if he's called Grandpa they could develop a grandfather/ grandson relationship but if you have him call him by his first name it could put distance between them.

My partners step-dad is Grandad and we don't tell the children anything different. His father was not a nice man who when tracked by a PI to be given his inheritance from his own mum said he wanted nothing to do with them he has his own life, so they're never going to have to know different.

YANBU but for the sake of family harmony, i would settle for Grandpa/dad J and then you can refer to your dad as Grandad when you talk about him ? My kids were slightly older when they were introduced to my dads partner, but I'd never consider having them call her anything other than her first name. They call their step MIL Grandma K and also call FIL Grandad H.

YANBU.

I would hate my kids to think of anyone other than my Dad as Grandad. It's slightly different in that my children knew their grandad before he died, but even if that were not the case surely it would just be confusing for them to have two grandads or similar relating to the same grandmother?

You could go with a foreign name for grandad - Opa, Nonno or Avo as examples?

Surely your mum can understand that, although she has managed to find another husband, you will never have another Dad, and you want your kids to know who their grandad is and what he means to you, distinct from her new husband?

(Or at least, thats the arguement I would use in the same situation)

i don't think yabu.
my ds and nephews/nieces all call my stepdad 'G'. his name is gary. we all feel it would be disrespecting my dad in some way.

quite surprised some people feel this is unreasonable.

sorry but i think you are being a little U my dad also passed away (was very close to my dad too) but my ds calls my step dad grandad and my ds loves him very much. i suppose it all depends on what genetics mean to you because even if your step dad isn't grandad in title he is in pratise it's just a name !! iyswim

What about a different name for Grandad, eg. Papa, Oupa etc.?

Tough on you, although I can understand how your Mum feels too.

I can understand your mum being hurt, tbh. She was presumably quite young when your Dad died and was lucky enough to find another person to share her life with after the sorrow of losing her DH.

At the same time I can also understand your feelings but do not feel that your relationship to your father is in any way diminished by your mother's remarriage.

Our family name for Grandad is Papa and my Dad would have been called this if my husband had not been German and already nabbed that instead of Daddy. Could you go with that?

I don't think you are BU at all.

If he is not a father figure to you then he's not going to be a grandfather figure to your dcs. That's not to say that he can't have a lovely relationship with your DS and still be an important person in all your lives.

I think your mother needs to respect your wishes.

This man is going to be like a grandad figure in your sons life and the only living grandad he is going to know. I think that grandad J sounds like a lovely idea or papa. What are you going to do if your son decides to call him Grandpa, say no he is not! . My dad passed away many years ago, and my dh parents are from Italy and want me to refer to them as mum and dad which i find hard as i have a mum and dad, so I call dh dad, daddy B

Threelittlemoomins, obviously this man will not be a father figure to the op as she has known another dad and is an adult, but to this baby the op stepdad will be as good as a grandad to him and the only one he will grow up to know.

If he has been married to your mother all the time that your DS has known him, and if he is going to act as a Granddad, then I think that's what he should be called. This doesn't stop you from talking baout your dad as also being Granddad.

Plenty of children have more than 4 grandparents.

My father is still alive, but my parents divorced when I was 18. When my eldest child was born we decided that we would use the surname of the grandparent to distinguish them and so my mother's husband was Grandpa F- and my father was Grandpa S--. My mother's husband died just before my second child was born and her new partner who came into her life when all 3 of my children were quite a lot older is known by his Christian name, but that is what he and my mother prefer. I think with a baby I would allow him to call your stepfather Grandpa and add the surname and he would then know the difference. I think you are being a little unreasonable, I am a widow and if I were to remarry I hope my grandchildren would know my husband as Grandpa, I would be a bit hurt by your attitude if I were your mum, although with 3 children of my own who have lost their much loved dad I can understand your feelings too.

DH's step-mum is grandma E then they have my mum who is grandma and dh 's mum who to be fair is nothing to them[their choice as she has nothing to do with our 3]

My DD calls my mum and her dad's mum nanna (surname or mummy's nanna/daddy's nanna)

She calls my DH's mum Nanny name

so as to mark the difference between biological and married but my DH is not her step dad either as she has a "dad" so he is simply mummy's husband.

She knows that everyone in her huge family loves her very much and she loves them all back.....

try to find something you all feel comfortable with, rather than giving in.

I used to call my grandad puppa if that helps as another name suggestion

my friends dds call their step gf 'pops'

he loves it

YABU
My DS's have 5 Nannys, one of them being my Step Mum, who didnt bring me up but has been a Nanny to the boys since they were born just as much as my Mum has been.
I think it would be very disrespectful to both your Mum and your Step father to not let him be a Grandad to your children. Shame for your DS to miss out on having a Grandad too just over the name!

my dcs have 3 grandads, one is my stepdad, their biological grandads have both died.They have pictures of them and know who they are, but i am glad that they have someone around to call grandad. I know that my dad would be glad too. If you feel really uncomfortable, maybe gramps or something similar.

YANBU. But... I think family harmony must come first...

DS calls my step father Grandad. I'm not incredibly happy about it but I feel that as he makes my Mum happy and he is amazing with DS then I just decided to let it go. It's just a name after all.

I just tune it out & focus on the fact that he makes DS laugh & I get free childcare!

My DH's grandma has remarried, and my kids call him grandpa henry - although thats for a great grandpa.

they have 5 grandmas - my mum - grandma, DH's mum - savta (hebrew for grandma), my grandma - nana j(thats what i call her) and DH's grandmas are booba (yiddish for grandma) and grandma s. my other grandma was also nana (nana h) and when i look through photo albums that what i call her.

YABU but I think a compromise is needed for the sake of family harmony.