to not want him to call him "grandad"?

[illuminasam]

My father died 10 years ago when I was 30 and my mother re-married 2 years later. I like my stepdad, he's a nice enough man and I'm glad my mum is happy. He's very different to my dad though and has some views I don't agree with.

Now that I have a son (4 months old) the question has arisen of DS should call him. My mum wants him to be called Grandpa but I said I'd be more comfortable with just his first name, J. She thought this would be "disrespectful to an older person".

She has now come to me saying that he feels excluded which has put me in a difficult position. I don't want him to feel excluded but I don't want to feel uncomfortable with what he's called either!

I was very close to my Dad and it took me a while to feel comfortable with my mum remarrying quite soon after he died. I want DS to think of my dad as Grandad (dead or alive). My mum's opinion is that my father is dead and J will be the grandfather figure and should be called as such.

Calling him "Grandpa J" has been suggested, as has "Gramps". Both of these feel a bit close to Grandpa to me.

AIBU?

In our family step-grandparents (and great grandparents!) are Auntie/ Uncle X. Wouldn't that be OK? Still respectful but not using the word grandad.

Like a few others I am in a slightly different situation as my mum is still alive but my two know my step mother by her Christian name only, I felt it would be disrespectful to my mother to be anything else (whether alive or not). If you are especially close to your step parent I could understand but otherwise YANBU.

DS's grandfather is Pops to all his grandchildren and loves it - maybe something like that would be a good compromise, affectionate but not quite a direct 'grandpa' or derivative?

OP here. Thanks for all the opinions.

After reading them all through and talking to friends I'm starting to think that my first choice would be for him to have a pet name of some kind e.g. Pops or something made up. My second choice would be grandpa J, but it would be a compromise on my part.

I understand about having lots of grandparents and what a good thing it is, however, whoever posted that to call J Grandpa would be like wiping away my own father has hit the nail on the head - that is how it feels, logical or not.

It's funny how births stir up emotions. Since having DS I have felt sadder about my father not being around than I have done in years. I just know how much he would have loved this.

I think family harmony must be a priority though, otherwise I'm in danger of not speaking to my mum and that's no good for anyone!

Is he lovely with your DCs? If he does all the things a Grandad would do then maybe a nickname which suggests 'Grandadness'.

DS1 decided to call DH 'Pops' when he was about 17, because he loves him but still has his Dad in his life. DH didn't solicit this but is really touched.

grandpa 'name'? We refer to DHs step mum Granny Audrey.

I would absolutely definitely call him something different from what you refer to your father as -- so if you decide to refer to your father as (say) Grandpa, J is not "Grandpa J". And your father gets first dibs on whatever your preferred title for a male grandparent is.

But J could be "Grampy J" or "Pappy J" or even, perhaps, "Granddad J" (or, as you say, a pet name that's loosely connected).

TBH while he is not their biological grandad, he will play a huge part in their childhood.

Let them call him grandpa it will please your mum and be nice for your children to have a grandpa

You KNOW he isn't replacing your Dad but your children wont know your Dad sadly so let them have their Grandad.

My children call my step dad grandad and he is a Grandad in every sense of the word, he adores them, I wouldn't deprive him of the title

Thats good op, I know that you feel sad about your dad and that he would be missing out on being a grandad, my own father died over 20 years ago when i was still young, and I often think about him missing out on dd growing up. However you do have to concentrate on the here and now and coming to a compromise which will make everyone happy. My mum has never re married or had a relationsip since my dad so i dont have any experience, but your ds could call your dad grandpa J, or grandpapa, gramps, or uncle J. You could also google to find alternative names for the word grandpa and decide on one.

My children call my step dad Grandad X. I think it just reflects the role he plays in the their life in the same way we sometimes have Aunties who are not blood relatives but fulfill that role.

DS calls my mum's DH by his name. He is NOT my father, my father is still alive, and Mum's DH has his own GC. I wouldn't like to know that my dad's step GC are calling him grand-dad, cos he's not.

If you are not comfortable with your DS calling him by a grandfatherly name, then don't. Pops or something.

I called my step grandma just grandma because I'd never known my real grandma so she was iyswim, for my mum she would never be "mum" they always had a difficult relationship but to me and my dsis she was our grandma.

I'm much closer to my step dad than my real dad but we hope ds will call him grandpops as it's affectionate and reflects the fact that actually he will be a great "granddad" figure in ds' life but isn't actually iyswim

However I have an awful relationship with my dad's partner and there is no way she willl be called anything other than her christian name (and lucky not to have witch added )

So OP I think you are both bu and nbu (nothing like sitting on the fence!)

I can see why you would be upset with your mum's husband being called Granddad but I can also see why they would be upset if he's just known by his firstname.

Personally, I'd use Granddad for your dad and let your mum know that you're doing that. But you should pick another name for her husband. My mum suggested Pops for my step-dad, but Gramps or Grandpa would also have been fine for us. I wouldn't have wanted him called Granddad D-- though, so I can understand that. However, YABU not to use another alternative name.

I guess if you just go with his firstname there's always a chance your DCs could come up with their own name for him and that might just be Granddad. At least this way, you choose something you're happy with.

Ooohhh... I like Grandpops! Shame my step-dad is no longer alive, he would have liked that.

My DSs both call my stepmum grandma. I don't want to get petty about things, despite the fact she treats them differently to her 'real grandchildren' and I don't see eye to eye with her on most things, I don't want to upset my dad over it.

My DC call my mum's partner by his first name, but there is absolutely no doubt that it is a grandparent-grandchild relationship. I was corrected pretty firmly on that by DS when he heard me say that they have two grandads. So they have three. Which is pretty lovely really

Why not just call him Grandpa or let your ds decide, and explain to him when he is older that he has 2 grandpas, one in heaven and one here. Kids adapt very quickly. This is what I would have done had my mum remarried.

How abotu Opa? it is the German version of grandad so your mum should feel ok and you will feel a distance to the name so wont feel it is grandad.

I do understand this very well my parents divorced when I was 5 and my mother immidiatly moved in with another man now 36 years later they are still together. When my sister (whom was 12 when parents divorced and never lived with out mother after) had her daughter she got told to call him by his first name. when I had children mine were taught to call him bedstefar (Danish for grandad.) My dad is morfar (danish for mothers father) and my mother is mormor. What I have noticed is that my niece whom now is staying with me for 3 years (year 11 and A levels - she is 16) has stated using grandad (bedstefar) my late Fil was Grandad to begin with but after a few years dd1 started calling him for grandfar and it stuck and FIL adored it.

I had a step grandfather myself (my step fathers dad) and oh I loved him my youngest daughter has the femine version of his name for her middle name. Throughout the time I knew him I called him by his first name and it never bothered me until the day i read his obituary and it said He leaves behind a son and daughter inlaw two daughers and son in laws and 3 grandchildren and I wamnted to scream and cry and yell NO FOUR 4 grandchildren as in all purposes he was my grandfather and I was his grandaughter love creates that bond blod doesnt.

your feelings are valid OP however so is your mothers so you need to find a compromise, She is uncomfortable with his name to be used is there anything you feel comfortable with that can be used instead? again see my suggestion for Opa.

We called my Gran's second husband by his name. There was never a question of calling him anything else. My grandad died when I was 5 or 6 and I never knew him.

My step dad isn't a dad to me as he came on to the scene when I was grown up but the dc's call him Grandad.

I think he's planning on teaching them rugby and will be invaluable once they start Uni as he's a swot .

Some people here seem to see the relationship between their child and their step-parent as being about them, which I think is a shame.

I just thought I'd say that between my MIL and her "new" husband (been married for over 20 years) there are 7 children and about 25 grandchildren. The children all call their own parents mum and dad, my partner always sends dad cards to his step-dad (I think his sister does too) and will refer to him as his dad for ease, the grandchildren though don't recognise the "step" and call all grandparents Nan or Grandad (apart from my children who don't even know their grandfather exists). There's no confusion, everyone knows who is who and the relationship of the children's parents with their grandparents doesn't come into it.

A rose by any other name... If they're fulfilling the role in the child's life of grandparent, why take that away from either of them?

Confuddled - because I, for one, could not bear to hear my children calling another man Grandad when they should have been calling my Dad that (he died far too young). Call it selfish I don't care - but I couldn't bear to hear them calling for Grandad and it not be my dad stood there and to have my heart broken again & again - if the time ever comes (which, tbh, I don't think it will) they'd could call him Grandpa, Pops, Gramps or Elvis if they wanted to - what they wont be doing is calling him Grandad.

I called my step grandfather a grandfatherly name. I had two actually. Your step dad will be the only grandfather your son knows. Why put your issues and concerns onto him
If it bothers you that much then ask your step dad to pick a name that is not like Gramps etc. I had an Opa, Pop and Papa.

Fair enough Chippingin, Grandpa or Gramps seems a nice alternative. At the end of the day the man is fulfilling a role and should be acknowledged, of course if they prefer to be called by their name thats a different thing. Grandpa is not exactly Grandad which is more personal and does signify more the biological relationship

My dd's call my step mum by her first name, that is what I call her and there was never any discussion about what the dd's would call her when they came along, she was just always refered to by her name. My mum is their granny, even though she died just after dd1 was born, she is always referred to as granny if we are talking about her.

My step sisters dd calls my dad grandad though, which I always think is a bit strange seeing as my step sister calls my dad by his first name as she has her own dad who is her dd's grandad.