to not want him to call him "grandad"?

[illuminasam]

My father died 10 years ago when I was 30 and my mother re-married 2 years later. I like my stepdad, he's a nice enough man and I'm glad my mum is happy. He's very different to my dad though and has some views I don't agree with.

Now that I have a son (4 months old) the question has arisen of DS should call him. My mum wants him to be called Grandpa but I said I'd be more comfortable with just his first name, J. She thought this would be "disrespectful to an older person".

She has now come to me saying that he feels excluded which has put me in a difficult position. I don't want him to feel excluded but I don't want to feel uncomfortable with what he's called either!

I was very close to my Dad and it took me a while to feel comfortable with my mum remarrying quite soon after he died. I want DS to think of my dad as Grandad (dead or alive). My mum's opinion is that my father is dead and J will be the grandfather figure and should be called as such.

Calling him "Grandpa J" has been suggested, as has "Gramps". Both of these feel a bit close to Grandpa to me.

AIBU?

What about Pop, Pops, Pa?

I don't get the "If he is not a father figure to you then he's not going to be a grandfather figure to your dcs." thing. FIL's wife is a grandmother figure to my DCs even though she's never been a mother figure to DH and is only about twelve years older than DH anyway. She's a different kind of grandmother figure than their blood grandparents, I suppose, but that's largely down to being a different personality rather than not being directly related (they do call her by her first name, though, because that's what she wanted).

I think yabu, sorry I understand why you feel the way you do.

He will be grandad to your son, he is not a latecomer to your sons life as he is to yours.

And their relationship will exist seperate to you, by not allowing him to call this man grandad you are determining their relationship by the one you have with him - but to you he is your mums husband, to your son he is grandad.

Though your dad is your ds actual grandad, this man is going to be a living breathing grandad to your son and the only one he can relate to (when he is old enough to comprehend of course you will tell him about your dad), he is the one who will read him stories, tell him about 'back it the day' and take your ds for walks it is only right that this is acknowledged and respected. If on the other hand this man does not want a relationship lie that with your ds, and does not show interest or want to bond with him than by all means ds refer to him by his name, but if this man does want a relationship with your son and wants to bond than he should be called grandpa J

My Mum started referring to her dh as 'grandad' when my ds was small. I told her I wasn't happy with it as he already had 2 Grandads (my Dad is still alive).She got quite upset about ,but I'm glad I was firm, my dcs love her dh they all have a nice relationship, but they call him by his first name just like I do(ds is nearly 12).

I don't think I would have felt any different if I had lost my Dad, Mum's dh is not my Dad, I was 15 when I met him and have never considered him a father figure in the slightest.
If it makes you feel uncomfortable then I wouldn't allow it.

I to lost my dad 4 years ago and was very much a daddy girl .My mum has remarried to a nice guy my older 2 ds call him by his first name as they can remember their Grandad and there both was old enough dEcide for themselves.

Dd tends to call him grandad as she was only young when my dad died and he was very I'll for most what she can remember of him he's known as grandad in the sky and ds3 can't really remember my dad he was only young baby and I would feel that without my step dad he would not have a. Grandad .

Yes there is times when dd yells grandad and I look for my dad but then it would not be fair o. Them to not have a grandad and he loves them to bits and revels in being grandad while respecting the fact that older ds had a great relationship with my dad so he is happy be known by first name by them ,though they so both get on with him

Its a personal choice really. my paternal gran died 5 years before i was born. A couple of years after her death my grandad moved in with but never married another lady. none of his 8 grandkids ever called her gran she was aunty. she has always been a granny figure and none of us knew our "real" gran but it was our parents who decided on the aunty title. No big deal she and my grandad never minded either way AFAIK.

Maybe you could let your son decide as he grows up? Just because he calls this man grandad or whatever doesn't mean your dad is written out of history. You'll be able to tell him all about him as he gets older

Oh and just to add I'd don't call him dad I had my dad. But he loves my dc to bits and will do anything for him .I currently have dd yelling yay grandad fixed my bike

Meant to say YANBU

I'm truely on the fence with this one.

My stepdad(whom I call by his name) is Grandad to my children. My mum and him have been together since I was a young teen, and he is very much part of their lives and acts like a Grandfather. I have no contact with my biological father btw.

However, my ex-FIL remarried 2 years ago. His wife is simply known as her name. Every now and then she writes Nannie, but I dont like it and have said as much - this is his third marriage, very recent, and my ex-MIL is the children's Nan. So they are known as Grandad and name.

I think you need to have a compromise, and a proper sit down and chat. What does your mothers husband want to be called?

When I was younger we called my step grandad by his name (they married when I was 2) When I was about 6 though I asked if I could call him Grandad, and started doing so. Maybe you could do something similar?

OP I don't think you're being unreasonable in the slightest.

It may not be logical, but I wouldn't like it either. Fine for your Mum to want it and for her to have found happiness with a new husband, but as others have said, your Dad will always be your Dad.

My Mum died 7 years ago and I know if my Dad had remarried and wanted my DS to call her grandma, it would have made me quite upset.

I hope you can find some way to compromise (and that your Mum can see your POV), perhaps by coming up with an alternative, less emotionally-laden title for her husband.

A leetle bit of a different situation but my mums father died before I was born. My nana married his brother. So he was really my great uncle. I always called him Uncle Edward (well unk edard actually was a bit of a mouthful for me!) It didnt occur to me until I got older that really he was my Grandad.
Im not sure how her felt about it and unfortunately I cant ask him

So could your DS call him Uncle J maybe?

YANBU at all. I grew up with my nan and her DH. It was always clear that we were to call him by his first name, not grandad. However he is great grandad to my DS and likes this.

DH's dad died about 12 years ago and his mum married the bloke she had been having an affair with. I insist that he is called Grandad X because my dad is DS's grandad and DH's dad would have been. MIL wasn't very happy but tough tbh. She is also Nanny X to her step DGD and she isn't happy about that but her step DGD has her 'actual' nan so I don't see why she has a problem.

I think it wipes out the person who has died if you refer to someone else as the title that should have been theirs.

I was introduced by a friend's DS to his grandmother and her partner. He said, "MmeLindt, this is my Granny and this is my Phillip".

Grandad is just a name. Your DS can have a close and lovely relationship with your stepfather without calling him granddad.

I can understand your feelings of sadness that to let DS call your SD Grandad would somehow be disrespectful to your DD. But I also can understand your mum's feelings that it's a bit hurtful for her husband to be excluded from a family role and title. I think that it's understandably an incredibly emotive issue for you, but that it would be a real shame if your DS is prevented from having a grandson/grandfather relationship because of your painful feelings.

There are some wonderful suggestions on here about finding a name other than Grandad (which can always be just for your dad), but which nurtures that family relationship between DS and your SD. My DD has three grandmothers; my mum, who is Granny, my OH's mum, who is Grandma, and DD's dad's mum, who is Grandmother Jo (GJo lives abroad and has only met DD recently, hence the slightly more formal title).

My dad (Grandpa), moved abroad when DD was young, she hadn't seen him for some years when he died last year. My mum's OH (Grandad) has played a far larger part in DD's life, adores her, and has a fantastic relationship with her. He had a bit of a distant relationship with his own sons, and is very unlikely to have biological GCs, so this is a wonderful bonus for him. I'm thrilled that they have that relationship, especially as OH's and ex's fathers are both deceased.

My point is that your DS could have a wonderful relationship with your SD, and that this would in no way detract from the memory of your dad; you can nurture that with photographs and lots of stories about him, and mentioning him to your DS. My grandad died when I was seven, so I have few actual memories of him, but I feel like I have legions of memories, because my mum talked about him so often; what he would have thought or said about things, and related certain stories so often that they are embedded in my mind. She still talks a lot about him now, and what he would think of DD. I'm sure you will kindle a memory of your dad just as strongly in your DS.

I always think; the more grandparents the better! Good luck.

Let your ds decide what to call him. Many stepdads are referred to as dad, even though the children have fathers, they might see them as a dad.

Nana was married to Uncle Edward??

How clueless am I? Didn't realise.

LMFAO destructogirl! Have you not seen the wedding photos?! I'll dig them out for you.

Nobody tells me anything

Have you seen my thread on poor little baisey? Was going to phone but thought you were at work?? She's at the vets having xrays after a suspected chewage of ikea pencil.

Decide what you would have called your father to your children and then use a different term. DH's father died before the dcs were born, but they refer to him as "grandad". They refer to my step dad as granpa and my father by the danish term for grandfather.

Sorry this is stirring up feelings for you. I can understand the difficulty.

My Grandpa wasn't my real Grandpa but it never occurred to me to call him anything else.

Once, when I was about 7, we were walking on the beach together and he got upset and said he felt a bit like he wasn't 'the real thing' and he felt unwelcome. (My mum was pretty mean to him and I can completely understand why he didn't feel welcome). Anyway I remember being confused and just telling him straight 'You're the only Grandpa I've ever had. You ARE my grandpa.' The only reason I remember this is because of his reaction. He was so touched and grateful he had to fight back tears and he hugged me.

No-one can take the place of your dad. It will be up to you to tell all the kids about him but it's also great that they have a Grnadfather figure and right that they call him something which reflects this.

I think this is the difference between grandad and grandfather.

He will never ever be his grandfather, it's not possible (unless they're not telling you something ) it's a biological position and there are only two of them.

Grandad though is different. You can have more than two grandad's. Grandad is a relationship between two people.

Allowing your son to have a relationship with your stepfather won't take away anything from your own dad. He will always be your dad. It's sad that your son can't have that relationship with his grandfather but that doesn't mean he shouldn't have it with anyone.

I think you are being a bit unreasonably - sorry.

My Dad's mum died before I was born and my grandad remarried. My Dad didn't get on massively well with his stepmum but we called her Grandma Sue (her name!!) and she treated us pretty well although we weren't very close to her. We knew that she wasn't our biological grandmother but as we never knew our biological grandmother, it didn't matter. I have no idea how my Dad felt about this situation as he was very close to him mum (she died when he was 16) but he certainly didn't "take it out" on our relationship with his stepmum.

I think you can afford to put your own feelings aside here otherwise you may end up looking slightly petty. Perhaps "Grandad Joe" (or whatever his name is) would be a compromise. If he is going to treat your DCs like grandchildren then he deserves the respect IYSWIM.

You have to understand that your DC will never miss your own father (as hard as that will be for you to take on board) because they quite simply will never know him.

My DH's grandma died before DD was born and his grandad remarried. Everyone else int he family called her by her name, but not the great grandchildren - all born after they remarried. On both sides of the family the children with called her Grandma or him Grandad.

There was nothing disrepectful to the memories of Dh's grandma.

Just because someone is not a father figure to you oesn't mean they can't be a grandfather figure to a baby and child. I don't see how that follows. There is such a massive difference between the two types of relationships.

I would have felt very uncomfortable with my DD calling her great grandma (by marriage) by her name. To eme it just isn't the done thing.

If the name grandad is uncomfortable can you not come up with an alternative?

Also - are there other grandchildren? What do they use? This could also have a bearing on it. Ultimately it will be down to what your Ds feels comfortable saying TBh though - children ofte come up with their own names.