To be feeling upset, annoyed, angry that DP does not want to get married????

[3peasinapod]

We are 14 years together with 3 kids and i feel at this stage i would like to get married. I talked to DP about this a while back and he agreed, i went ahead and rang regitery office and got appointment to set date etc. On the day before we were due to go to to the appointment at the registery office i sat and asked DP about setting a date etc. He just said i dont care when we do it, and by his tone he just really didnt care. So i cancelled the appointment had a huge row. It has been brough up a few times since but when i told DP how sad i felt about the while situation he said he would organise the registery office ~(he never did)
AIBU to feel upset, angry, annoyed!??

Why do you want to get married?

If it ain't broke don't fix it....

you booked the date without telling him? sorry, you need to elaborate on that or you sound a bit crazy!
YANBU to want to get married but you cant expect your DP to be excited. people can be just 'okay' about getting married and not particularly see the point in getting excited especially after 14 years he may see it just as a legality should one of you die, after all the commitment shows in the time you have spent together!

It doesn't sound as if he actively does not want to get married - more like he just doesn't think it's that big a deal.

I can understand you feeling upset about his lack of enthusiasm however.

But you've already been together all this time and have 3 dc. To him, being married won't actually change anything. That's maybe why he doesn't see the need for it. Unromantic I know.

How long since he said he would organise the registry office?

Have you considered organising it yourself?

no she got an appointment to set the date

and they were talking about it the night before

clearly she is not crazy

Britfish - she booked an appointment to see the registrar - not to get married! After agreeing with OH about getting married. Why is that crazy?

I don't agree either with if it ain't broke attitude

there was a married lady on here a couple of years ago who was widowed

she came on and urged everyone to get married because it made such a difference if anything went wrong

people actually did get married on the strength of what she said

Ok first of all i NEVER booked a date without telling him, i asked about dates to get married as we were due in for meeting the register the following morning and needed a date.
Second we talked about getting married and DP was all on for it.

Do you want to get married for legal, practical reasons? Or do you want a Wedding? And have you talked to your DP about what you actually want?
It does sound a bit as though he thinks it's a practical matter, has no objections but doesn't think it's a big deal either - but if it's a big deal to you then you need to explain why it matters, and listen to his viewpoint as well.

YANBU, is he's happy for you to be the mother to his children then you're good enough for him to marry IMO, it makes me when men are like this.

Although i see NOTHING wrong with children outside of marriage (I have several friends who did this) there's no way I would have had dc with dh prior to getting marriage. I wanted that commitment and stability. I have a friend who's partner refuses to get married and it's really getting her down. his continuing reticence is really beginning to bug me.

Do you want to get married to formalise things or are you after a do, romance, etc?

is DP just not up for the whole 'thing' that goes with weddings? family, etc.?

if he doesn't want that, then his feelings too need to be respected. But getting married doesn't have to be a full on affair.

I would like to get married for the reason if anything ever happened to either of us and to have the same surname as my children and not to be asked time and time again because i have a different surname to my children "are you there mother" which upsets me..
I dont want a fairy tale wedding, registery office was always my choice.

sorry SolidGoldBrass cross post

you shouldn't be telling him how 'sad' you feel about it and turning it into an opportunity to argue

you should be telling him that if he got run over by a bus you and your children would be far better protected if you were married

or if he digs his heels in just get your kids names changed to be the same as yours

well if he's not that bothered, he's not that bothered... do you feel loved by him generally? is he committed fully to you and your family?

if so, you have to accept the wedding itself and the arrangements necessary will be more important to you.

what man gets excited organising a wedding anyway?

and if anyone else asks if you are their mother just tell them its 2010

not everyone changes their name anymore

YANBU but agree with MrsSawdust. Have you confused "I don't care" with "I don't mind"? Tbh it doesn't sound as though it would make much difference to your relationship in practical terms but I can completely understand why you would want to be married to the father of your children and as an ex-family lawyer would urge you to do it!

TheCappster
Could do My 2nd DD loves her name to much..

Yes he is committed to me and DC no doubt about that. We are very happy and financially were ok and have 3 healthy and happy children.

I think i will have to sit and chat with him again.

YANBU

but ask yourself if you really, really want to be with a man who doesn't want to marry you. The imbalance of it would drive me mad. You want to marry him, and after having 3 kids with you he doesn't want the same!!

You begging him to be with you,like he's doing you a favour is going to leave a bad taste in your mouth.

MagalyZz
No there would be no begging, but what i would be afraid of is that if we never married could or would this matter "leave a bad taste in my mouth"

Sorry, didn't mean to offend. I was in this position once. Although I later changed my mind. I realised that the relationship was far from perfect and why did I want to marry him!?!?!

But, to cast my mind back to that point, it just made me really angry to be in that position of wanting somebody to marry me! I was angry with myself for ending up in that situation. I was worried about the legalities of it all, as well as feeling ...... how has this happened? how have I had child with a man who doesn't want to marry me!? It was kind of a shock to me...

But, I left him for many reasons. So all's well that ends well

In similar situation ,been with boyfriend for 14 years and he hardly ever sleeps at my house let alone asks me to marry him.
That would be a shock if he initiated anything to do with marriage

oh dear, sorry OP, thats the 3rd time tonight i've misread something, im the crazy one not you.
although to defend myself, i didnt say she was crazy, only if shed booked the wedding without telling him would i think she was crazy!

i think you should if only for the legal side of things, push him to engage a bit more in convo about it.
and when have people asked if you're the mother? that would bug me too

Book a holiday for the family that just happens to offer weddings too? (south africa this summer might appeal to him!)
Only thing I don't understand is the name/people questioning who your children are. I think it's very common for mothers to have different surnames to DCs these days. I'm married but have my own name so it's still different to DC.

MagalyZz
No offence taking, sounds like you were the lucky one and got out brfore you made a mistake. That takes guts.

Britfish
If i ring to make an appointment for the kids be it ballet lessons to doctors appointments i always get " can i take your name" and because its different from DC "are you DC mother" I feel like telling them at times how hard a labour i had with DD!!