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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be feeling upset, annoyed, angry that DP does not want to get married????

107 replies

3peasinapod · 07/06/2010 22:58

We are 14 years together with 3 kids and i feel at this stage i would like to get married. I talked to DP about this a while back and he agreed, i went ahead and rang regitery office and got appointment to set date etc. On the day before we were due to go to to the appointment at the registery office i sat and asked DP about setting a date etc. He just said i dont care when we do it, and by his tone he just really didnt care. So i cancelled the appointment had a huge row. It has been brough up a few times since but when i told DP how sad i felt about the while situation he said he would organise the registery office ~(he never did)
AIBU to feel upset, angry, annoyed!??

OP posts:

Iggisfulloftayto · 08/06/2010 00:11

Have never ever ever been asked that. Not from nurseries, doctors etc.
(though only had him for 3 years, maybe still to come!)

GypsyMoth · 08/06/2010 00:30

You could just change uour name to his and both make wills?? Instead of tying yourself to a reluctant man

Cretaceous · 08/06/2010 07:54

I don't see why you cancelled the appointment. He doesn't care either way, you do, so you arrange it and he turns up.

Perhaps he's just not an organiser, and isn't bothered either way. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you - after all, having three children was a far more significant decision.

Do you think that there's an underlying reason for his lack of interest? Neither my OH or myself have bothered to organise a wedding - it's not because I don't love OH.

2rebecca · 08/06/2010 08:34

It sounded to me as though he didn't care when you got married as you were fussing over dates, which I would have taken as just pick a date and get on with it.
It doesn't sound to me like he doesn't want to marry you, just that he didn't want the "Wedding" taking over his life and it does sound like you went off on one when he wasn't getting excited enough about it.
If you've lived together and have kids a wedding isn't really a big deal as you are already committed. i agree it makes things easier legally though.
I'd check he's still happy with the idea and rebook an appointment and don't expect him to find it all very exciting.

foreverastudent · 08/06/2010 08:43

You can change your name without getting married.

There are a lot of anti-marriage men out there

slouchingtowardswaitrose · 08/06/2010 09:07

Unfortunately, unmarried women and their children suffer an appalling lack of rights and protections wrt relationship breakdown, inheritance tax, entitlements to pensions, property, etc. They do not even have the rights of lodgers or tenants should they not own the family home and are pretty much up shit creek, with their children, if the partner dies. If he gets hit by a bus, she won't even be able to get a fiver from his bank account for supper. If he sells her the house foe a pound, then dies within 7 years, the gov't will still claim inheritance tax as that is seen as a tax dodge. There is actually no such thing as common law in this country.

If you do not marry, please ensure you figure out other means to protect yourself. Does he have life assurance, etc. Check the pensions and get him to add you as the beneficiary (if he legally can). Get him to sell the house to you or put it in the children's names ASAP. Sit down and explain this all to him and ask him whether he wants his children to suffer if the worst happens. You do not need to be going through legal hell while grieving and supporting your children through the loss.

Book the registrar and have a serious talk with your partner.

I went through this and am now married.

I'm really NOT into marriage, but it was necessary for my protection and that of my children.

The rest of us, we must fight like hell to make sure the government gives unmarried mothers living with their partners more rights and protections. Because right now, they have none.

Good luck.

KerryMumbles · 08/06/2010 09:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumto2andnomore · 08/06/2010 09:20

He is being an idiot but you should have brought this up long before now-he probably has just assumed you were happy not to be married too.

I would never have had children before I got married, each to their own but its not for me, I wanted a man who would commit.

Good luck ,hope you can sort it out

Cretaceous · 08/06/2010 09:22

STW, what you say is very true and very important. Especially the pensions part. I had to be specifically named on my OH's pension, at the company's discretion , and it is that particular issue that has got us thinking about marriage - even though I'm marriage-phobic!

Restrainedrabbit · 08/06/2010 09:26

I was widowed 10 years ago and cannot stress enough the importance of being married, you will protect your children and yourself (and him!) in the (hopefully unlikely) eventuallity of something happening to either one of you. Likewise with the making of wills, saves a lot of hassle.

TheBoyWithaSORNedMX5 · 08/06/2010 09:32

yanbu, op. My dp's the same. I'm on the brink of selling my engagement ring tbh, to repay my uncle for the early wedding present he bought us.

expatinscotland · 08/06/2010 09:36

But he did not object to getting married, he just isn't bothered. And it seems like the OP wants him to be, she wants a sort of wedding.

What do you want, OP? To be married or a wedding?

He said he didn't care when you did it, not 'No, I don't want to do this,' and you got upset because whilst he does not object to getting married, he's not bothered about it one way or another.

I don't understand why you got worked up in teh first place.

You wanted to get married, he was okay with going along with it, why didn't you just go see the registrar when you had the appointment and set the date?

slouchingtowardswaitrose · 08/06/2010 09:59

I agree, just make the date to see the registrar. Take the bull by the horns, so to speak.

callalilies · 08/06/2010 10:00

You were the one who cancelled the appointment though. He wasn't bothered what date you get married, but didn't say he didn't want to get married any more. He's been with you a long time and is obviously committed to you, so probably doesn't see getting married as a huge big deal, but is happy to do it anyway.

Original poster

3peasinapod · 08/06/2010 10:56

We have wills made, we have covered most parts In That area.
When I cancelled the appointment it was because the only question I asked him about the whole thing was to pick a date as we needed one for the following day. I do not want a big day or fairy tale wedding, were both really not into the whole big day thing. I am going to sit with OH tonight and lay the whole thing on the table. I do feel like I will resent OH if we don't sort this out, ( that's just how I feel and I can't help it)

OP posts:

nickelbabe · 08/06/2010 11:25

do you think perhaps it's a girl-thing, rather than him not wanting to get married?

like you say, 3peas- he said he wanted to get married, but then was all "oh, i'm not bothered, i don't care" when you wanted to make arrangements.
then you got upset because he obviously didn't care about you enough to get married?

i'm not saying blame this on your hormones or being an oversensitive woman, but i do this myself - if i get excited about something, or we've decided to do something but DF isn't as interested as me, or doesn't see it as as important as i do, then i get very upset.
like, when i wanted him to choose a hymn for the church service at which our banns would be read for the first time, he didn't see why it was so important, agreed to do it, then completely didn't choose one.
i got really upset about it and even told him not to bother having our banns read at all. When i'd calmed down and we talked about it, he'd actually chosen a nice hymn that i liked and thought that he was chosing a hymn for our banns because he was choosing a hymn for me. i had to explain that's not what i meant, and we chose a suitable hymn together. sometimes men just don't look at things in the same way we do.

nickelbabe · 08/06/2010 11:26

"thought he was choosing" typo, not spelling error, i promise!

Cretaceous · 08/06/2010 11:29

So what you're saying is: You want him to show he still loves you after all these years, by taking some interest in the wedding, even if it's only choosing a date. You feel that by not even doing this minor thing, he is showing he doesn't care, and you've taken it personally.

He thinks the wedding is unimportant - you've got three kids together, and he's agreed to get married. What more do you want . He thinks, can't you just sort out the date.

I take it he wasn't saying his calendar is full for the next year. You need to tell him how you feel, and he can then feign interest by getting out his diary, even though he thinks it's a bit of a pointless waste of time.

Good luck!

Restrainedrabbit · 08/06/2010 11:48

I do think sometimes we need to explain exactly how we feels, he may think that you are thinking practically like him. Perhaps you need to spell it out to him by saying I know you love me and are committed to me (ego massage) but I need to know that you want to marry me, this is important to me because of X,Y and Z thus it matters to me that you take an interest/show up etc etc.

SolidGoldBrass · 08/06/2010 11:48

I think Cretaceous has it bang on the nail - OP please don't let this rankle with you, just explain to him how you feel calmly, not shouting and stamping and blubbering 'You don't love me!' pick a date with him and suggest having a nice lunch or something with the family afterwards, job done.

MumNWLondon · 08/06/2010 12:12

Can you not discuss it again, as the others say, calmly and tell him it would mean a lot to you and that although you are happy to organise it, you'd prefer to do it together, perhaps with a nice lunch out afterwards.

Say also you don't want to have a row about it so if he's indifferent you'll organise it yourself he just has to turn up? Then just get on with arranging it and be sure to be extra nice to him in meantime.

Perhaps arrange to get away for a couple of nights afterwards without the kids?

Original poster

3peasinapod · 08/06/2010 12:38

I am going to have a chat about it this evening with him, I know he loves me as do I. Don't want this to create a wedge between us because the way I feel about getting married.. But I do feel like this is the next step,
o I just need to talk to him and see what he says and feel about the whole thing .

OP posts:

DitaVonCheese · 08/06/2010 14:16

Good luck OP

Original poster

3peasinapod · 08/06/2010 14:31

Thanks DVC, will keep u all posted.

OP posts:

ThursdayNext · 08/06/2010 14:46

'If i ring to make an appointment for the kids be it ballet lessons to doctors appointments i always get " can i take your name" and because its different from DC "are you DC mother"'

For real? That's very bizarre. We are not married and I have never had a comment like this. Quite a few of my friends with children are not married, and lots of those who are married have different surnames. Wonder if it depends where you live.

I'm not at all interested in getting married. If DP suddenly wanted to get married (unlikely), I suppose I would but I wouldn't be enthusiastic. I guess I would expect him to arrange it.

'unmarried women and their children suffer an appalling lack of rights and protections' I think this depends on your overall financial situation. It would make no difference to us being married. Providing pensions, wills and property is sorted this may not be an issue. Most of us don't have enough assets to need to pay inheritance tax anyway.

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