To be feeling upset, annoyed, angry that DP does not want to get married????

[3peasinapod]

We are 14 years together with 3 kids and i feel at this stage i would like to get married. I talked to DP about this a while back and he agreed, i went ahead and rang regitery office and got appointment to set date etc. On the day before we were due to go to to the appointment at the registery office i sat and asked DP about setting a date etc. He just said i dont care when we do it, and by his tone he just really didnt care. So i cancelled the appointment had a huge row. It has been brough up a few times since but when i told DP how sad i felt about the while situation he said he would organise the registery office ~(he never did)
AIBU to feel upset, angry, annoyed!??

Thursdaynext
I get it alot even the odd person checking out the marraige finger!!! (that does not bother me as I never wear rings as they irritate me) I also was never pushed in getting married but now I feel different about it.

If you are an unmarried mother living in your partner's home, he can say 'get out by tonight' and there is legally nothing anyone can do to stop him. This has nothing to do with how much money you have.

Here is a great resource with everything you ever wanted to know about your (lack of) rights when living unmarried with your partner.

www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/

LQ
I dont even want a big day just the registery office and a meal with the family. Were both not into the big wedding thing. So really all i ever wanted from him was a date on when to go to the registery office. We had both agreed to getting married.

Alot of people think we are married and are shocked when i say no were not. I am refered to people that DP knows as Mrs X and i even got a letter in the post last week as Mrs X.. We are in most ways married but i would like us to make the final commitment in our relationship..

I will be waiting till little ones are in bed and then strap him down and tell him you better marry me or eles

slouchingtowardswaitrose
Thank you will have a look. It really is a thing where every unmarried mother must think about. We have the wills made in order to protect us and the kids. If DP did tell us to go in the morning i would be up sh£t creek and i never looked at it like that. Even though i know DP would never do that. Never know what is down the road.

I am not married and ds has dp's name and I have never had a comment.I am not keen on the whole idea its just not for me.We have been together 20 years almost and are as committed as any of our married friends although most of my friends aren'y iygwim! You can sort the legalities with wills and solicitors help if that is the only reason you are doing it

It's true that some stuff can be sorted with wills and solicitors, but not all. Just make a totally informed decision

I must also add that some men are perfectly aware of the inequalities, and don't want to give up their power.

Don't let's forget that some women don't want to marry as they can't get rid of the idea that marriage confers ownership on a man (Guess when it actually became illegal for a man to rape his wife? 1991 When I was younger, I and many of my friends wouldn't contemplate marriage purely because we didn't want to lose the right to say no to sex.)

are you actually engaged?

if not, why has he never proposed?

my dp proposed after 2 years and i thought that was too long to wait!!

I certainly know that some women don't want to marry for lots of reasons. I was one of them. I am one of them. If I didn't need to be married to the father of my children to have any rights, considering our financial circumstances, I wouldn't have married him.

The fact is, not being married makes some mothers vulnerable. In many cases therefore it could be considered more feminist to be married. Not being married gives men lots of power if their partners have children, especially if the mothers are not in paid employment.

So as I said before, let's campaign for the rights of unmarried mothers, and make informed choices wrt our own decisions.

I have to just add that my DH was always interested in our wedding plans and we chose everything together.

I don't think unmarried mothers should have the same rights as wives to be honest. If you want the same rights, get married. I do feel though that children should be protected and shouldn't miss out because their parents haven't married.

slouchingtowardswaitrose No offence, but I am getting divorced and just about getting my head around the fact that I may live with a man again BUT, I will not get married again nor have I any desire to tie myself legally to another person ever again.

You may fight like hell for rights of cohabitees but I will be behind you fighting to maintain to organise my own relationships WITHOUT outside legal interference.

I don't wish the law to be involved in any future relationships I may have.
People should either marry or live with consequences of not doing so.
It's not fair on cohabitees who wish to live together without state interference.

That's the trouble. If mother suffers (financial hardship/devastation, homelessness, etc), children suffer.

I do have sympathy with the view 'get married if you want the same rights' - I got married after all.

However, it is just wrong that an unmarried partner should be threatened with homelessness if a relationship breaks down, etc.

And, believe me, there are many people like this (people who take comfort that they don't have to go through messy legalities should they decide to go their separate ways).

slouchingtowardswaitrose That's life! You can't have the "advantages" of cohabitation without "disadvantages" and you can't have "advantages" of marriage without "disadvantages", either.
Sorry, but if two people choose to live together without legal ties it is their choice.
We on earth is an outside party to interfere?

Children of a relationship have certain rights if parents are unmarried under Children's Act 1989 so, sorry, that only leaves childless cohabiting adults and they are free to make own mistakes and take responsibility for themselves.

If you only want to get married for legal reasons then state this to him, there's more chance he's likely to agree to this than the airy fairy romantic idea - I know DH didn't really see the point in marriage but I convinced him that for legal reasons we'd be wise to do it before DS came along and so we did it. If anything was to go wrong at least legally we'd have a better picture of knowing where we stood.

You have the right idea OP. Just hope you can talk your DP round.

LeQueen you may be right that the OP and her DP are as committed as any married couple, but you're a bit dismissive of the "legal" aspect when in fact it's incredibly important, as waitrose has mentioned. It's not just about wanting a wedding!

Listen to waitrose, OP, she's very wise

PS I read some appalling article towards the start of the credit crunch (can't remember where now) that very wealthy bankers etc are now being advised not to move their DPs in, rather than simply just not marrying them, because the possible change to the law re cohabitation would give them too many rights over the banker's assets. Nice!

I am not talking about childless cohabiting couples.

I am talking about couples who have children together and are living together.

I am talking about a man being currently able to say to the mother of his children, leave this house by tonight.

And people not having the right to choose to make the co-parent of their children the beneficiary of some pensions and death benefits.

And people not having the right to give some or all of their property to the parent of their children without having to wait 7 years for it be free of inheritance tax.

What if a couple were not married, man got cancer, gave the house to the children's mother, house was worth £313,000 (£312k is the threshold and in some parts of the country with high property prices, not a lot), mother has to pay 40% tax on it despite having been given the house previous to death. That's £125,200 tax. Say the mortgage is £200k. Mum is left with a bill of £12,200 instead of a house. Nice huh? If he had life assurance, perhaps that covers the tax bill, when it should have paid the mortgage.

Now I totally agree there should be an option for 'no gov't control of my relationship thank you very much.'

But surely there is a middle ground somewhere?

At least with the not being made homeless, no more rights than a tenant thing?

DitaVonCheese I believe that plans to give cohabitees certain rights akin to married have been put on the back-burner.

Anyway, why should living with someone give a partner rights over their fellow cohabitees assets?

It's like saying people (women AND men) are prostitutes who are "owed" something for being in a relationship.

The rule with cohabitation is that you leave with what you came with (obviously, any JOINT purchases -including property- is JOINTLY divided up. As it should be)!

Marriage is different because the couple made a legally-binding contract to support each other as partner's for life and each is accountable for breaking that contract.

Marantha: 'Children of a relationship have certain rights if parents are unmarried under Children's Act 1989'

Can you elaborate? I'm curious.

Don't you get it,slouchingtowardswaitrose, the sort of people who sign the "No govt control of relationship" box are hardly the type to commit, are they?

I mean, if they were, they'd do the obvious thing and get married or arrange their affairs so their partner has certain privileges.

So there'd be no reason for cohabitee rights in the first place!

I am, however, in agreement that people should be allowed to name whoever they want as a beneficiary to pensions etc. But they'd have to name them- cos I don't think it's right for others to guess!

I want someone who is an expert in this field to correct me if I am wrong, but I think the Children's Act 1989 allows main carer and child to stay in home until child (ren) is 18 EVEN IF PROPERTY IS OWNED BY OTHER PARENT.

And doesn't a parent have to maintain child- married or not?

I don't understand....

Your DP did not say that he did not want to get married to you. He said he didn't care what date it was.

There is a big, big difference, surely.

He probably doesn't want a fuss - a lot of people don't - I didn't! My DH organised our (extremely mega-low key) wedding, it was his idea, and he sorted everything. I wanted to get married but I hate fuss and hassle and my idea of hell is walking down an aisle in white with a big do afterwards. If left to me, we would never be married now.

I think you got the wrong end of the stick and threw all your toys out of the pram before considering what he actually said. Seriously!

I would stop rowing with him and reschedule the registry office if I were you.