AIBU to not want to leave teenagers in charge of my 7m old baby?

[Claire673]

We have several family members on each side of the family who are aged 12-14 (girls) and they all want to take DS out for a walk, both my OH and I don't want children to be in sole charge of him so we say no.

My OHs side of the family are fine with that but my side are taking it to mean that I think their kids are irresponsible and I am being a bit unreasonable as 'they babysat and took the neighbours babies walks when they were 13/14'. I just don't want little girls taking my baby out without adults there and as he is mine I feel I should be able to feel that way without sarky little remarks from my family.

So please give it to me straight, AIBU and a little bit too precious?

'I wonder if you need for your own sanity to step back a bit.' - I think you might be right lol.

You're not being precious, so ignore all of that. If you don't want young teens to take your child for a walk, it doesn't happen.

I wouldn't have a problem at all with the 10 year old being left in the same room alone with the baby.

I have a 4yo as well as my baby and I often leave them together while I do the dishwaher, hang the washing out, go to the loo etc.

Still wouldn't be happy for the baby to leave the house with the older teens though. Just don't think they'd be as careful, i.e. with the brake on the pram, with handling the baby, what to do if he starts crying etc.

YANBU it is your baby. Maybe let her "look after" dc at home with you in ear shot?

No wonder some young new mothers find it so overwhelming - if they've never been allowed to go near the babies in their family, how on earth are they supposed to learn how to look after their own?

Completely understand your concerns, but most sensible ten year olds can be left in the room for 20 mins with a baby, they will always come and get you if there is a problem. I know I have several nieces around that age and they are very good with my DD. If they are older i.e. 14/15 I would let them take my DD for a walk, but given that "The Children?s Legal Centre advises that most children under the age of 13 should not be left at home alone. Even a short period of time on their own can be distressing and lonely for a child, most children under 13 years of age would not be able to cope with an emergency." I wouldn't leave a child 13 or under in sole responsibility for my DD, even my 12 year old niece who is very responsible and helps with her premie baby sister at home is not savvy enough to deal with emergencies. At 15 I was babysitting afternoons and evenings with babies over six months old, but my mum was always on call around the corner if something happened.

Ultimately it is your choice and if it leaves you feeling more stressed out then it would defeat the point as you will not enjoy the break you get anyway.

"The Children?s Legal Centre advises that most children under the age of 13 should not be left at home alone. Even a short period of time on their own can be distressing and lonely for a child, most children under 13 years of age would not be able to cope with an emergency."

Really? That's deeply silly. How do kids learn independence nowadays?

Kids learn independence the normal ways going to school, shops, playing ouside on their own, cooking for family, doing chores. They do not need to be left in sole charge of a young baby at 13 or under to learn this, it is not as if they should even be thinking about having kids at this age and surely once they reach 14/15 they will have adequate time to learn before they become parents themselves. Plus you as a parent are committing an offence if you leave children at home alone and it places them at risk and could risk prosecution (which could be anytime, because anything can happen at any time and often kids do take risks without realising the implications).

Children Home Alone

The NSPCC (National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children) has advice for parents about leaving children on their own:

• Never leave a baby, toddler or young child home alone, even if they are sleeping or just for a few minutes. While you might think they are safe in their cot, what would happen if the house caught on fire ? or if something happened to you while you were out?

• The vast majority of children under age 13 are not well equipped to deal in an emergency situation, and should not be left home alone for anything but a very short period of time. Invest in childcare.

• Children who have to be left alone should be given very clear instructions about what to do in the event of an emergency, with the phone number of someone to call nearby. Additionally, all dangers should be put out of their reach, such as matches, chemicals and sharp objects.

• Teenagers left on their own should consent to the arrangement and have emergency contact numbers ready, as well as your number.

• No child under age 16 should ever be left alone overnight for any reason. If you cannot afford the price of overnight childcare or make alternative arrangements for your child to spend the night somewhere else, then stay home.

Using common sense is the best rule to follow when thinking about leaving children home alone for any reason. Small children should never be left by themselves, while teenagers should be given clear instructions about what to do in the case of an emergency. Remember that most children under age 13 are not mature enough to be left by themselves at all.

What about all those kids at secondary school whose parents work? I know several 11 year olds who have to be alone after school until parents get in - the parents are not overly happy about the situation but secondary schools don't have after-school clubs and they feel too old for childminder....

Back to the OPs question - although I looked after my siblings as a teenager I perfectly understand your reluctance. When my dc1 was a baby and my (perfectly sensible) twenty year old sister took her for a walk I couldn't relax - kept imagining she would let go of the pram and let it roll into the pond!

Allsheeparewhite - it is not an offence to leave a child at home by itself. What you can be charged with is neglect and this is usually on a case by case basis depending on the age of the child and the length of time they have been left for.

13 is such an arbitary age for the NSPCC to come to, sometimes children younger than 13 are more than capable of being left and sometimes 16 year olds have so little common sense that they can't be left at all.

To the OP, it's your child therefore remains your responsibility when not being supervised by another adult therefore you get to decide the best way to keep them safe.
However, I do think you are being a bit precious, my 13 year old loves wheeling her baby cousin around the village and knows the ground rules so would never dream of getting her out of the pushchair on her own.

"Plus you as a parent are committing an offence if you leave children at home alone "

NO YOU'RE NOT!!!!

YANBU, I guess some 13 year olds would be sensible, but others might not. However, you could let them help you out at home and if they're sensible, what about building up to a walk? So when you're at home with them, show them what to do if your DS cries etc?

FWIW, I'll share a story of my own.

When I was 6 we'd visit a family friend who often had sole care of her son's baby girl. When T started walking I was allowed to look after her in one room with the adults having a conversation in another and it made me feel so grown up!

I was told in no uncertain terms though, don't pick her up, and when I was holding her, there were always adults next to me and I was always sitting down. I was only told not to pick her up as obviously toddlers are heavy and 6/7 year old girls are quite small

YANBU. I'm sure half my family think I am an uptight witch because I won't let teenage cousins take my kids to the park / babysit (a baby and an older child with SN). I just think it's too much responsibility for 14 yr olds, and if something went wrong it would be awful.

So you were allowed to do that at 6, Lollipop - presumably by the time you were 14 you would have been fine to take a baby for a walk?

I wouldn't let any child babysit for my children until they are at least 15 and only then if I felt that they are mature and responsible enough. If your baby suddenly started to choke would you know what to do? Probably. Would a 13 year old? Maybe but chances are probably not. I have sometimes found it frustrating when my baby is crying for a period of time and nothing seems to help - would a 13 year old have the maturity to handle that?
I am not PFB, I have an 8 year old and a 4 year old and am having number 3. I am pretty laid back in a lot of ways as a mum but they are my children, I brought them into this world and I will protect them no matter what. I do not feel that children ahould be babysitting for children. Have you ever seen a 13 year old throw a temper tantrum like a toddler? I have.
My 15 year old step daughter has just been allowed to babysit in the last couple of months. We don't go far, we put the little one to bed first, we give her details of adult nighbours who could be on scene in seconds (we always check with them first), she has phone numbers for us and we do not get home late.
This may seem over the top to some people, but frankly, I don't care. We are not only protecting our little ones, we are thinking of dsd aswell - we want to give her responsibilty and I do think babysitting is a good learning experience but we want her to feel safe and comfortable.
At the opposite end our nephew has been babysitting for long periods for his siblings, day and night, since he was 10. I know SIL thinks I am over-protective but again, I don't care. Personally, I think she is irresponsible but that's her business not mine.
I wouldn't compromise my children's safety or even, at the very least, my own peace of mind, for anyone else's opinions.

No it is not an offence to leave a child under 13 at home alone, but if something happens to place them at risk it could be difficult to prove that you didn't knowingly leave them at risk if you see what I mean. Obviously there are children who are more responsible than others and they are not talking about short periods, i.e. when you are at the shops. The problem is the law is not clear, so that leaves it open to interpretation by the courts who listen to people like the NSPCC. A really sensible child can get hungry, decide to try and cook something quite simple, cause a small fire and not know how to deal with it. Agree with you than some 16 year olds are so irresponsible that they cannot be trusted to be left alone, it does depend on the child and also where you live. I live in central London, the streets are very busy and local kids roam in gangs so I would not let younger teenager take baby for a walk, where I grew up was quieter and knew so many people in neighbouring area that could help if their was a problem. Law says if your child is supervised by child under 16 you are still responsible as a parent so agree with you that you need to decide best way to make them safe.

But the OP isn't about babysitting - it's about taking a baby for a walk in a push-chair! Rather different, I think.

I am a mum of two (so past the precious fb phase) and I can tell you for nothing that there is no way on earth I would leave a teenager in sole charge of my baby.

YANBU. But, OP, don't even worry about whether other people might think you are being unreasonable. What does it matter? You are the mother, and you get to make your own rules. And if you are uncomfortable with something then you get to say no. End of.

NSPCC are guidelines , aren't they ? not law, not legal is it ? or am i wrong. scaremongering of 'its an offence', by some posters is just not helpful.
i was a very mature 14 yr old when i babysat. no hissy fits / temper tantrums here. but as others have said, depends on the child.
walking to secondary school seems fine to me. and to leave them alone at that age. IF they are responsible enough.
Not all are.can be left alone. seem very mature. know what to do, contact neighbour etc tec. other 16 yr olds could be more immature.
and we wonder why we have a immature children ? teenagers who can't do a thing for themselves. this helicopter parenting nonsense is getting ridiculous.
And the number of PFB/over-anxious parenting posts is worrying. where did you all get to be so anxious. what has happened to you all that you can't seem to get perspective ?

YANBU. I would not do it. What if something happened ?

ANd i disagree with chunkychick, who says what does it matter. well it does matter. which is why we can debate in a civilised way, here. and then we can all, (i like to have my views challenged aswell), give some thought , as to why we think things, wehre theses ideas came from.a dn then try and reach a more measured ground.

so this is where we should look at a generation of over -anxious mums and not just say, oh its silly, its irrational, but that's o.k. no we talk about it and try and change.

oblomov goes off to make a cuppa. must stop repeating myself. posted something similar on the 'male nurseery worker taking dd to toilet ' thread, the other day, at it too, made not the tiniest bit of difference.

YANBU I would not do it either

Just had to share the story of the first time I took my baby sister out for a walk in her pram. I must have been 10 at the time and my sister 9, third sister was a few months old. We were so proud that we were taking her to the park nobody could have been more careful and solicitous than us. But on the way back home, as we walked under a tree, a bird pooed right on baby sister's forehead. We wiped every trace off, rushed her home, and then washed her face very carefully before my mum could see her and NEVER told, in case we weren't allowed out with her again. (When I finally told my mum after I don't know, about 30 years, she cackled with laughter.) But what I principally remember was the immense happiness of being trusted out with our beloved baby sister. Claire, if you do decide that you can let your nieces look after your baby (and I can totally understand why he's so precious to you) you will be doing a wonderful thing for them, too, giving them a chance to show how trustworthy, loving and responsible they can be.