Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

to think she got what my friend deserved?

116 replies

mummysgoingmad · 06/06/2010 22:53

Ok quick run down

She's been having an affair with a married man since October.

In may his wife found out and he "moved in" with my friend.

He moved in on the monday and by the following monday her house had been destroyed by this mans wife (who he let in while my friend was at work) and he left my friend and went back to his wife.

She told all her friends and family (even her 80 year old gran) that they were an item.
She lives in my home town and news travels very fast as its a little town in the middle of no where (I say its like living in a episode of eastenders which is why i moved.) so everyone knew in a matter of days.

Now everyones laughing at her, and he's made a complete fool of her.

Now i know she's my friend, but i cant help but think she got what she deserved.

ambu?

OP posts:

thesunshinesbrightly · 07/06/2010 00:05

i dont agree with you all that i'm a terrible friend, if i really didnt care for her i wouldn't make a 85 mile journey to go and support her. i wouldn't have talked her out of going to the wifeds house. I wouldn't have made her tea, and took a huge bottle of vodka off her

No your worse! Two-face.

NonnoMum · 07/06/2010 00:06

I thought Magdelena was being ironic?

Anyhoo - a v sad story all round. good for you. OP, for supporting your friend and her clean up. What a shame your friend was taken in by this bastard (no wonder she told her gran they were an item if he had moved in with her). And do support her in contacting the police about the house trashing, because although I loathe the thought of anyone having an affair, it is not illegal, and moving in with someone is not illegal, but criminal damage to property is.

Maybe your friend needs a break from relationships for a while?

And needs to get out of that gossipy town?

Original poster

mummysgoingmad · 07/06/2010 00:07

No sorry portia i can't. I dont gain any pleasure from her misfortune. Sorry if it appears that way, that was never my intention.

Its my belief that if you have an affair the other woman (my friend) shouldn't get away with breaking up a family. Now i know that he is just as much to blame as her, but she could have said "no your married, if you end it with your wife then we can talk" sort of thing.

OP posts:

Magdelena · 07/06/2010 00:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

mummysgoingmad · 07/06/2010 00:11

By mummysgoingmad Sun 06-Jun-10 23:55:39

But i have been supporting her! I have told her in the past what she was doing was wrong, i didnt agree with it and i didn't want to discuss it. That said i traveled home with my ds to be with her and support her. She knows what i think about affairs, so i dont really have much pity when it goes tits up!

I dont feel i have been two-faced i told her in the past what i thought of affairs

OP posts:

PortiaNovmerriment · 07/06/2010 00:13

OK, so Magdelena said "If she purposely broke the sacrement of marriage then she is a brazen whore and so is the DH, both deserve everything the wife wanted to do to them"

I accept that Magdelena feels that both parties have behaved equally badly.

I still think that the word 'whore' is gendered to the extent that the ring of its judgement falls much more heavily on the woman though, and is a misogynistic insult.

I also feel that the curtain-twitching morality that this sort of attitude leans towards is quite shockingly backward, and that fundamentally these issues are nobody else's business. By all means show support and sympathy if someone has been crapped on, but the intricacies of personal relationships are generally the business solely of the people involved.

Magdelena · 07/06/2010 00:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

secunda · 07/06/2010 00:24

TBH this will probably be worse for the wife in the long run. She will most likely be prosecuted for criminal damage, and I expect it's only a matter of time before the man does it to her again, this time with the justification of 'my wife is crazy'. So not good for anyone, really.

secunda · 07/06/2010 00:28

Also it does sound in this situation as though your friend has some real issues. Father was 'stolen' from her, so she's 'stealing' a man back - doesn't take a psychoanalyst to join the dots. I'm sure the guy could see her vulnerability and used it. She is the same age as his son fgs

PortiaNovmerriment · 07/06/2010 00:31

I have to agree with secunda.

But yes, Magdelena, I take your point about judging- and hope you see where I'm coming from too? I hope you don't have too bad a night with your ds...I can afford to get irate on the internet, because my ex has the youngest for tonight so I can stay up

jan123 · 07/06/2010 00:57

With friends like you..who needs enemies..

secunda · 07/06/2010 01:29

ps Magdalena - 'whore' is just a word someone applies to an individual when that individual's behaviour makes them feel uncomfortable.

expatinscotland · 07/06/2010 01:30

I guess I just don't get why you are still friends with this person when it's obvious you hate them so much.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/06/2010 01:43

OP, I remember your previous thread, just went and refreshed my memory here.

As you said, you are getting a very different response from last time, even though you're expressing the same sentiment.

I suppose it's just that the phrase "get what she deserved" is a bit loaded. It can sound spiteful - many posters have used words like 'glad' and 'glee' to indicate how they're reading how you feel. I'm guessing it's more of a grim exasperation you're feeling at seeing your prediction from months ago (it will all go tits up) come true?

FWIW, I believe it is possible to think that someone 'has got what they deserved' (I'd probably phrase it as 'brought it on themselves') whilst still being dismayed on their behalf.

jasper · 07/06/2010 01:44

solidgoldbrass:

A lot of the time, affairs are good things, they are an escape route out of horrible marriages to selfish or cruel people.
And yes, I do think people who have affairs should 'get away with it' ie not have their property damaged or be subjected to physical assault. If your partner has had sex with someone else, that does not justify violence or criminal damage - behaving like this tends to make non-twatttish people think that your partner has been having sex elsewhere for a good reason ie you are unkind, immature and spiteful.

well said . Mumsnet needs a lot more of you

YeahBut · 07/06/2010 01:59

Is your friend such an awful person that she deserves heartbreak, public humiliation and the destruction of her home and property? How cruel and unfeeling, OP.
IMO, the 'blame' for an affair is often laid at feet of the OW, as though the errant husband had no free will and took no part in making the decision to sleep with another woman. Only the people in a relationship have a responisibility to maintain it. I can understand that it is often easier for a wronged spouse to vent their grief, anger and humiliation at the OW, particularly if they want their spouse to come back. Doesn't make it right, though.
Instead of mocking her on the internet,OP, how about supporting your friend by encouraging her to report this criminal damage to the police?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5