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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to hate my dh going on and on about money?

80 replies

MummyAnnabella · 03/06/2010 22:16

we are not poor. we have lovely house. nice cars. okay we are not as well off as we were a few years ago before kids as on one salary at the moment as i am on maternity leave again.

he moans and complains all the time about money and basically resents me spending any money on myself. i have some savings left that i am living on when on mat leave, you know just coffees, lunches etc and i still put same amount into joint account as i did when working fulltime.

it is making me hate him at the moment.

OP posts:
compo · 03/06/2010 22:17

He sounds a joy

Original poster
MummyAnnabella · 03/06/2010 22:19

yes that is exactly right! a real barrel of laughs at the minute! so it is not just my late pg hormones making me want to kill him!

OP posts:
CristinaTheAstonishing · 03/06/2010 22:20

So what would he want you to do? Sounds like a strange arrangement with separate savings but if it works for you... Is he under a lot of stress nowadays at work, is his job under threat?

Vallhala · 03/06/2010 22:21

Seeing that DH is so happy for you to put in as much as when you were working, I do hope that he puts in as much childcare as you do.

After all, it would be fair enough for you to do the bulk of it or even all of it if he was the sole provider, but as he's not, perhaps you'd like to give him a few more responsibilities to make things fair and even.

That might shut him up!

He's a very lucky man, most mums on ML can't afford to put into the family pot the same amount that they did when working. Besides, it's YOUR money you are spending on coffees etc, not his.

Start making that list of tasks for DH, *MummyAnnabella"!

ItsGraceAgain · 03/06/2010 22:23

yanbu. Has he always been like this? Have you ever discussed what would happen if one of you became long-term sick, or disabled?

StayFrosty · 03/06/2010 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MummyAnnabella · 03/06/2010 22:24

think he wants me to put all savings into mortgage but then i would have no money to live on. as it is can take about one year off and still contribute to joint account.

separate savings are really my redundancy as i left work.

o hes not under stress and has own company. he gets like this whn i am off on mat leave as eseems to resent me not working. have had 2 mat leaves of 9 months and this time due to cirs had to take redundancy.

btw he earns double what i duid.

OP posts:
Alouiseg · 03/06/2010 22:29

What a mean spirited man. No advice but you have my condolences.

Original poster
MummyAnnabella · 03/06/2010 22:32

vall - he is good at playing with kids but like a lot of dads doesnt do any of the real work as such ie shopping cooking washing etc
lso i know its MY money is why i need own money as such but he ses my money as our money and thinks it should all go in joint a/c.
he wont take on any extra tasks now i am off as he didnt when i worked f/t and did longer hours than him.

grace - no never discussed sickness etc

stayfrosty - yes he is always on at me to change my car which i have paid of myself as he doesnt like it. wamts me to get something cheaper. no point as i say its paid of now. yet at same time he wants to get himself a new car!! he did suggest getting rid of cable tonight and i said yes go ahead as i dont watch much tv. he then backtracked saying he did watch it and how he has no monsy left to spens on himself. he is talking through his arse as looking a spendin lot of money on his new car.

OP posts:
borderslass · 03/06/2010 22:34

I seriously don't understand marriages that work like this when dh and I got married what was his became mine and mine his, same with my parents.To say you'd have nothing to live on is bizarre surely whilst your on maternity leave he should be providing for you all.

Original poster
MummyAnnabella · 03/06/2010 22:34

p.s. stayfrosty - you hit nail on head re resentment of mat leave. why is that? i agreed to him doing a 4 day week to let him have more time with kids and i worked f/t after last baby and not once did i resent him for it. i was happy for kids who adore him.

OP posts:
StayFrosty · 03/06/2010 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MummyAnnabella · 03/06/2010 22:38

borderslass -- think problem was we both had good jobs and money not an issue really before kids. a full joint a/c would be a nightmare as i wouldnt be able to buy myself a thing.

i think he should provide whilst i am off but can also see why i should drip feed redundancy money in. what happens when it goes though if there are no jobs out there? dread to think how miserable that would be.

OP posts:
Original poster
MummyAnnabella · 03/06/2010 22:41

oh stayfrosty you talk so much sense but he does think mat leave is a skive. no point discussing it as turns into a row. his day off with kids is easier as they are older, not same as b/f a newborn all day. also his mum comes every week and feeds kids etc.

if i am off and money runs out i know he will assume total control and say you cant spend my money on that. or i am paying ofr it so we are moving house etc.

OP posts:
StayFrosty · 03/06/2010 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CristinaTheAstonishing · 03/06/2010 22:47

"money not an issue really before kids" Not the point, though, the kids are here and you have to re-adjust.

mumofthreesweeties · 03/06/2010 23:08

You should both really be putting your money together and not living in 'my money' 'your money'. My DH and I share all our money, when he gets paid I usually have his bank card and pay off all the bills etc. He also pays for the cars and mortgage. When I get paid I pay off the rest of the bills and use the surplus money for all of us. When on mat leave I never felt under pressure or had no money because I deal with all the finances and DH is fine with whatever I choose to do with our money. YOur DH is making your life a misery as you shouldnt be worrying about money at all during this time. WHat will happen then when your redundancy money runs out. YOu should just not contribute to the joint account because he is your husband and he is the one working so bills should be his responsibility. He shouldnt begrudge you doing anything with the money in the account if you can afford it.

Probably because you have always maintained the pay half the bills relationship from the outset which is why he feels that you should still contribute half which is really silly of him. You are his wife, the mother of his children - he should really want to give you anything you want (within reason of course). Please speak to him and let him know he is being unreasonable

StayFrosty · 03/06/2010 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ItsGraceAgain · 03/06/2010 23:33

He sounds like a prat
I'm quite worried about how this will escalate, especially if you stay off work post-baby, with your redundancy and everything. He HAS a FAMILY, fgs, yet he's still thinking like a single man. You're not his girlfriend or his housekeeper, you're his wife and an equal partner.

Try talking this through with him - assertively. Then, maybe, come back & post in Relationships. Good luck!

TiggyR · 03/06/2010 23:40

I know a few people married to men like this. I don't know how they stand it to be honest.

venetianred · 04/06/2010 00:09

oh mummy - it's not even worth going there. It's an attitude problem. He is not really looking for a solution. I've been through five years of this, and it is water under the bridge by now. I do not believe he will ever change. I don't think it is actually related to money, as they will always want the Audi or the new house or something and will subconciously believe that it is you/child stopping him from living the lifestyle he should be living. Once dd got more cute and mobile, it started to stop a little as she gave him so much pleasure at the weekends and I put together a book with pictures of them both and on the last page had the sports car he owned before dd came along - and put - Being a father means....having photos of your daughter where your sports car keys used to be (RIP)'.

Now about once every week or two I get some commentary about me not contributing sufficiently and him being the only provider etc etc.

He also thinks playdates are the equivalent of two blokes going to the pub for a quiet pint (I just choke and splutter on that one).

He would like to have my job and for me to go out and earn a big salary. I point out he is with the wrong women if he wanted a massive salary earner......and he would be in a mental asylum by the end of the week if he was a stay-at-home dad. He would never cope.

It actually makes me giggle inside these days when I hear it. Just stick to your guns and casually repeat the same thing over and over. Don't emotionally engage. You know it makes sense.

He is utterly lovely and gorgeous in so many other ways, but this obsession is fairly 'dull'!!!

Original poster
MummyAnnabella · 04/06/2010 09:20

oh shit, somehow he found this after i went to bed. no idea how. he hasnt spoken to me this morning except to throw the print out at me and shout and call me a liar.not one word of what i said is a lie.

i stayed calm and said that is how i feel. he just shouted more and stormed out. i am going in to have this baby on tuesday and dont eed thisstress. cried in bed last night and tht was before his tantum this morning.

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 04/06/2010 09:27

you wrote about him in a way that you would not have if you thought he might have read it. "hate him at the moment" "making me want to kill him"

So he is angry and hurt by that. Maybe by tonight he has calmed down a bit

theQuibbler · 04/06/2010 09:32

Oh, how horrible, you poor thing.

Silly man - he's obviously ascribes to the attack as best form of defence mode of behaviour.

You don't need the stress, you're right. Well done for keeping calm. I'd let him know that you are ready to talk if he wants to do so sensibly, but that you are not prepared to listen to him rant and shout and then leave him to it.

Money is such a contentious thing when you have different attitudes towards it. Not everyone wants to have a "one pot" approach to finances. Personally, it would drive me mad. What is it that you want? I certainly would not be putting my redundancy money anywhere near the mortgage, that is NOT good financial planning.

This is also not the time to be having this discussion with your baby nearly here! If he doesn't understand that, he's being a prize dick

mumofthreesweeties · 04/06/2010 09:37

Mummy - sorry to hear that but maybe now he will realise how much it bothers you. I am a strong believer in that every thing happens for a reason and the reason why he found the thread will soon come out. Unfortunately he will have to learn not to snoop around, he was obviously being nosy and when you do that you will sometimes find information which was not meant for you. Try not to worry about it too much and concentrate on your new DC. Ignore his tantrum, he is claiming you are lying because he has never bothered to see things from your perspective about how this money thing bothers you. Good luck