to hate my dh going on and on about money?

[MummyAnnabella]

we are not poor. we have lovely house. nice cars. okay we are not as well off as we were a few years ago before kids as on one salary at the moment as i am on maternity leave again.

he moans and complains all the time about money and basically resents me spending any money on myself. i have some savings left that i am living on when on mat leave, you know just coffees, lunches etc and i still put same amount into joint account as i did when working fulltime.

it is making me hate him at the moment.

And if he read all the answers to you he'll be knowing that by now.

"he is good at playing with kids but like a lot of dads doesnt do any of the real work as such ie shopping cooking washing etc"

You mean like a lot of dads in the Victorian Age? It is less common these days. Most men I know do do some housework however long the hours they work. And the thing about the Victorian Age was that husbands of his class did not expect wives to contribute financially. He really wants two wives: one 1870s wife for the groundservice and one modern one for paying the bills. Has he thought of moving somewhere where bigamy is still accepted?

Ah Mummy you poor thing

FWIW in this situation, do you know what I would do ?

I would give up ALL housework.
I would give up ALL cooking.
I would give up ALL laundry & ironing (OK maybe not the kids, but definitely his).
I would disappear at the weekends and let him deal with the children full time.(apart from the new baby of course)

Once he's had a few weeks of living in a shit tip & on takeaways, with no clean workshirts you should have proved your point.

Then I would make him pay me a wage for looking after his home and children for a few weeks, just to ram it home.

Then go back to normal.

In fact, once the new baby arrives, this is pretty much what you should be doing anyway

Did he want the children? I only ask because he is acting like he resents having them and resents the essential time off from earning that comes with being a woman having a baby.

OP's Husband -

Maternity leave is essential if you want to have children. Women's bodies have to recover from pregnancy and birth, breastfeeding has to be established, routines have to be put in place. and babies need a period of time to attach to their primary carer/s in order to grow up healthy and adjusted. The length of time varies but to put a baby in childcare full time before the age of (for example) 6 months is not likely to promote good attachment in the child as they grow up.

Your wife is still contributing to the family finances through maternity pay. She has her own savings which are none of your business. She is as entitled to enjoy herself and have nice things as you are. She is working hard looking after one/two children and keeping a house. Your job is not harder than hers.

I have looked after a baby and house full time, and worked full time (before and after children) and having a full time job is easier than full time SAHP.

You need to realise this and stop being a prat or you are going to drive her away.

HTH

I expect he's always been selfish and it's only now the DC are here that it's really showing up. I bet before you had the DC you didn't really notice that the relationship was all about him and whether his needs were getting met and whether he was happy.
SLowly but steadily this man is trying to communicate to you that he is more important than you are, and you therefore are not allowed 'treats' or free time without his permission.
YOu need to either kick him into touch or seriously think about whether you want to stay with him. THis sort of situation only deteriorates, on the whole.

It could be that he is not usually like this. Having to provide for you all with the one income when you are used to having two (especially as the SMP dwindles over the months) is a big pressure on the man and he is aware of the pot of money not going as far as it did.

Obviously this is not the most constructive way to deal with the problem, but I do think it is often under-estimated on here how much the pressure of being the sole earner really gets to men sometimes. As others have suggested, have some conversations about how you can both sensibly manage money rather than letting it descend into sniping.

But UQD, if the OP is still expected to put as much money in the joint account, then he is not expected to be the sole provider, is he?

UQD
I have been the sole earner, while I was on mat leave. It sucked. But I was not a complete cunt to my DH about it.

Try having a spreadsheet with all incoming, outgoings, savings and pocket money for the whole family listed out. (He agrees you are all one family, right??)
Then sit down and discuss the spreadsheet.
That might make things a bit better.

It is tricky adjusting to 1 salary after 2 good ones though. We had our only rows over money at that time - but sorted out by looking clearly at where we were.

Same things re the chores etc. Now I am at home, I can do everything there needs to be done at home.
Had to really spell out that just because he doesn't have time, it doesn't mean that I have a couple of extra hours to pick up his slack.
Got a cleaner and ironing lady - we're both happy now.

I missed the bit about her putting the same amount in. That does seem a bit weird. Sweetgrapes is right though - money can cause rows when you don't expect it to. The only way is to sit down and work it all out on paper.

ergh, OP I feel your pain. I'm part time and can basically pay my share of childcare and my own debts. I put a small amount into the joint account each month, but have no real money. DP is constantly whinging about lack of money (we earn over £60 between us, and although we've got enormous debts and a huge mortgage payments we're still alright really!!)

He just can't stop moaning about it, and I know he begrudges me spending any of 'his' money.

Makes me feel like shite.

tackling the finances right now when you are about to give birth I find personally a bit too challenging. I would say calmly suggest you both sit down to it and sort it out to avoid further fraction/building up of ill will at some specific time in the non too distant future and both concentrate on pulling together for the new baby.

Sounds like a very selfish man ;-(

I took two weeks annual leave for babies. I think that works much better and then you don't have career breaks etc and also outearned my children's father so these issues never arouse. Why not go back to work much sooner and that solves the issue.

However yes I agree with everyone else - he sounds awful and he certanily doesnt' sound like someone to share money with or who even sees you as one flesh for life until death if there's all this fussing about who pays for what.

It does sound like he's stressed about you as a family not having enough money (albeit not communicating that very well).

I know you're contributing as much as you did previously, OP, but presumably that can't last forever, since you've been made redundant?

Maybe he is worried about what is going to happen longer term if you're not earning. That could be why he wants you to pay down the mortgage.

What is your intention longer term? Do you intend to get another job once maternity leave time is over? Is it going to be easy to find work?

Sounds like you both need to sit down and work out how much is coming in now, how much is going to be coming in in future, what your expenses as a family are going to be (including cars/coffees/etc) and whether it all looks affordable.

If your current lifestyle doesn't look affordable long term, then he's probably right and you need to cut back in some way (whether not having as long on mat leave, putting savings towards mortgage, selling expensive car, whatever). If not, then you are right and can carry on as you are!

When you're married, all your money should be pooled together into one big pot for the both of you to share, that's what I think. Don't have time to go into any more detail, sorry

OP, I hope your DH continues to read the thread. I am a dad and spend about two thirds of the year at home doing all the boring, repetitive chores, shopping, cooking, cleaning and taking DS to seemingly endless activities, playdates (hate the word!) and nursery. It's not a doddle.

Hear that, Mr? It's no fucking party. I yearn for the few days I get to go back to work. Am desperate to have adult conversation with people who wish to discuss subjects that are not their own children.

Playdates are so completely not like having a beer with your mates. You're there because the kids get on well. The parents of your kid's friends may well be people you don't like, and are now forced to spend time with. There may be more children there, babies, even, with their puking and crying. No matter how well the children get on, they will squabble, argue, snatch toys and scream, scream, scream until your head is splitting and you are reaching for the bottle/valium.

Hanging out clothes, washing pissy pants get old so quick. As does hoovering. As does the endless cleaning of the kitchen. It's all so totally thankless and unrewarding. You have no idea how lucky you are to be able to go out and earn the money.

If maternity leave is so easy, you do it, matey. See how you get on.

She's on maternity leave.

He is not the sole provider.

What SGB said.

You poor thing. Out of interest what is his justification for him having a new car and you downgrading yours..... and having one HE likes???