to hate my dh going on and on about money?

[MummyAnnabella]

we are not poor. we have lovely house. nice cars. okay we are not as well off as we were a few years ago before kids as on one salary at the moment as i am on maternity leave again.

he moans and complains all the time about money and basically resents me spending any money on myself. i have some savings left that i am living on when on mat leave, you know just coffees, lunches etc and i still put same amount into joint account as i did when working fulltime.

it is making me hate him at the moment.

I was also the sole earner for years. Will hopefully be again shortly. Our family, our money. I wouldn't have dreamed of treating the man I love, my husband, the father of our children in such a way.

And Snobear is right. Work, even in a target-driven call centre, was a piece of piss compared to three little kids.

Hope he's still reading this, because he needs to hear from strangers what a prat he is.

He clearly doesn't get that being mean with money is a bigger turn-off than a one-inch cock.

And I say that as occasional sole breadwinner.

I am the DH and in the interests of fairness should point out a few things. I dont resent my wife being off on mat leave (she was recently made redundant so i guess its not leave as such but you understand). When we first started going out i had a modestly sucessfull business and a lot of savings. I never asked her to pay for anything as i was brought up in a home where my mother was respected and treated well. I paid for all our holidays (inc flights, accom, food ents etc) and our socialising at home. I never asked for anything from her and nothing was ever offered. I paid for our wedding (in the areas best hotel with approx 250 guests for the day and approx 100 additional for the evening). My wife did pay for the Honeymoon for which i was grateful. I bought her engagement ring in Tiffenys in NYC on one of a number of occasions i took her there. I put over £100k as a deposit on our matrimonial home and paid the stamp duty and registration fees of approx £30k and then subsequently paid for an extention to the house of £30k. Again i never asked my wife to contribute nor did she offer despite the fact that she has a property she rents out and could have secured additional lending on. We bought a holiday home by re-mortgaging our house but once again i paid for all the legals, stamp duty and registration fees which came to approx £20k. Unfortunately like most business mine took a hit with the recession and my savings have all gone. Recently i had a savings policy that matured, it should have been worth approx £14k-£16k but unfortunately the value fell to £4k. I did not want to encash it and suggested to my wife that i continue it but in trust for our children. With a lot of regret i had to encash it to meet a rates demand even though i had asked my wife to allow me briefly to reduce my contribution to our joint account so i could pay the rates bill, she countered ths by saying that if i reduced my contribution he would reduce hers. This would have put us behind in our mortgage and affected my credit rating which i couldnt afford in these times as it is hard enough to get credit for my business to continue. Incidently i take home £2500 per month and give £2000 into the joint account. With my remaining £500 i have long term standing orders to pay as well as interest on other borrowings as well as my day to day expenses. This account always hits the red every month incidently. In relation to the change of car its simply not true to say i am getting the car i want, i am looking at people carriers for my family and my wife knows this, she incidently drives a BMW X5 and it is tax efficient for me to change the car now. I dont think any of you will ever know how it feels to see my wifes posting in a chat room less than a week before the birth of our third child to say publicly that she hates me and feels like killing me, it really took my heart from me and i like her have cried alone about it. I am sorry if she feels i moan constantly about money but the reality is that ALL of my money has now effectivly gone with the vast majority on her and my family, i have little left and my business is under strain with an overdraft at present of approx £120k and additional borrowings to the business in excess of £100k. All i want is now to try and keep us solvent and provide as best as i can for my family. I no longer go out with my friends, buy magazines or clothes ( i now shop in discount stores, my most recent suit cost £58) When i come home from work i play with my children then bath them and put them to bed. We have a cleaner but i do my fair share around the house. I do my own washing but accept my wife does the childrens again for which i am grateful. I found some of the posts in response to hers very upsetting and have not been able to sleep since.

I am the DH and in the interests of fairness should point out a few things. I dont resent my wife being off on mat leave (she was recently made redundant so i guess its not leave as such but you understand). When we first started going out i had a modestly sucessfull business and a lot of savings. I never asked her to pay for anything as i was brought up in a home where my mother was respected and treated well. I paid for all our holidays (inc flights, accom, food ents etc) and our socialising at home. I never asked for anything from her and nothing was ever offered. I paid for our wedding (in the areas best hotel with approx 250 guests for the day and approx 100 additional for the evening). My wife did pay for the Honeymoon for which i was grateful. I bought her engagement ring in Tiffenys in NYC on one of a number of occasions i took her there. I put over £100k as a deposit on our matrimonial home and paid the stamp duty and registration fees of approx £30k and then subsequently paid for an extention to the house of £30k. Again i never asked my wife to contribute nor did she offer despite the fact that she has a property she rents out and could have secured additional lending on. We bought a holiday home by re-mortgaging our house but once again i paid for all the legals, stamp duty and registration fees which came to approx £20k. Unfortunately like most business mine took a hit with the recession and my savings have all gone. Recently i had a savings policy that matured, it should have been worth approx £14k-£16k but unfortunately the value fell to £4k. I did not want to encash it and suggested to my wife that i continue it but in trust for our children. With a lot of regret i had to encash it to meet a rates demand even though i had asked my wife to allow me briefly to reduce my contribution to our joint account so i could pay the rates bill, she countered ths by saying that if i reduced my contribution he would reduce hers. This would have put us behind in our mortgage and affected my credit rating which i couldnt afford in these times as it is hard enough to get credit for my business to continue. Incidently i take home £2500 per month and give £2000 into the joint account. With my remaining £500 i have long term standing orders to pay as well as interest on other borrowings as well as my day to day expenses. This account always hits the red every month incidently. In relation to the change of car its simply not true to say i am getting the car i want, i am looking at people carriers for my family and my wife knows this, she incidently drives a BMW X5 and it is tax efficient for me to change the car now. I dont think any of you will ever know how it feels to see my wifes posting in a chat room less than a week before the birth of our third child to say publicly that she hates me and feels like killing me, it really took my heart from me and i like her have cried alone about it. I am sorry if she feels i moan constantly about money but the reality is that ALL of my money has now effectivly gone with the vast majority on her and my family, i have little left and my business is under strain with an overdraft at present of approx £120k and additional borrowings to the business in excess of £100k. All i want is now to try and keep us solvent and provide as best as i can for my family. I no longer go out with my friends, buy magazines or clothes ( i now shop in discount stores, my most recent suit cost £58) When i come home from work i play with my children then bath them and put them to bed. We have a cleaner but i do my fair share around the house. I do my own washing but accept my wife does the childrens again for which i am grateful. I found some of the posts in response to hers very upsetting and have not been able to sleep since.

stegner, I am not sure if mummyanna knows you are here.

It cannot be easy for her to have been made redundant. It sounds as if you are concerned about the loss in income but she does not think it is an immediate issue.

Perhaps you both need to have a chat about joint expenses (spreadsheet idea) and what she intends to do after a year - that should be a reasonable milestone to re-assess things on her job front. It might take longer than expected to find another job in this market.

As for what happens to the redundancy pay, whether she contributes to the common pot depends on your household finances and what she intends to do going forward. I personally do not think it is fair for her to keep it for coffees when you are concerned about bills. But it has to be a joint decision.

Do you mind me asking why it's all "mine" and "hers" and "his" between the two of you? Surely if you have a family together, your joint incomes (including rental from a property, even if it officially remains in your wife's name) ought to be considered family money? Apart from your business/ personal spending money accounts, that is?
Surely, redundancy or not, her being on maternity leave is a family issue. You have children together, and one of you needs to be there to look after them. It's hardly a doss on her part.

Stegner - well done for coming on here and posting. Was wondering if you would when I saw that you had seen this thread. I think that you are under a lot of stress (understandably) and both you and your wife are used to a certain standard of living.
Did your wife know before posting about all the details of your finances?
Or have you been trying to shield her from the details? you are not alone in your business going through such rough times. A lot of people are finding it hard going - but it will come round again. Money can be earned, but this time will never come back again.

OP - you and your DH need to talk and soon. Do not have this festering over you both once your DC3 arrives. This is a joyous occasion for all of you - and needs to be enjoyed as such. And I have to say that before your DH posted, I did think it rather odd that you had a separate account with 'your' money. I think now is the time to step up and pull together as a family. I would in a heartbeat for my DH. This is not simply about money, but your DH has most likely poured his heart and soul into his business. He needs your support right now.

ml is not a holiday. Do childminders or people who work in a nursery, or cleaners, or project managers, or teachers do it for nothing??? Of course they bloomin don't. Point this out to him. It's working just the samew and possibly more exhausting (albeit more rewarding)

Sit down and talk about it, and cover what ifs - disability/illness etc

Clam - sorry I disagree. I dont think the OP's DH is making this about his and hers. He has had to do so in order to put straight the assumptions made by mnetters following the OP. The bottom line is that it is his business and money that have given them the majority of the material comforts. Now that he needs his wife to step up and put in some of 'her own money' - her words, not his - she isn't doing so. Sounds as though they are under a lot of pressure right now. Please talk you two!

There is always another side to every story.

This sounds like a family struggling in recessionary times. It certainly sounds as though you need to look at outgoings and incomings jointly and carefully and agree how much spending money each of you should have.

On the bigger financial picture stuff - might be an idea to sell the holiday home and pay off some debt in the UK.

mistletoe I meant the two of them, not just him. I think Stegner has redressed the balance of the argument clearly, but there's still a glaring gap between their standpoints, which will only be resolved if they talk. As a fair few people have said.

I dont regard it as "mine"/"hers" really. As i said i have already given her everything i have, i just dont have anything left to give. She was given a very good redundancy which he regards as "hers" so what can i do??? My father used to have a good old saying "the bread thats eaten is quickly forgotten!!" so i guess thats it. To be honest my stomach has been in knots and i feel physically sick since i saw what she said and then what others jumped to say about me without knowing anything of our situation. We have not spoken since. She went out for a meal with her friends on Friday and i now think that she has been telling them what she has been posting here because i always found them awkward towards me when i try to be friendly to them when they come to visit her. You have really no idea how bad i feel right now.

Stegner - listen, please listen. go and talk to her. I understand that you are upset, but if your wife is anything like I was when pregnant - her hormones are not letting her think straight.

Forget about the real life friends, forget about us lot on here. You and your family are all that matter right now. Whatever she has said to her friends, is for her to put right. Just please talk. You will get nowhere on here.

Oh and one other thing. Re. your comment,'you have nothing left to give'. I am sure you are exhausted and seeing all of this has left you feeling pretty beaten up. But you have your third DC arriving. Put this to one side - there is more to life than money. I am sure you have plenty left to give.

Well, there are two sides to every story.

It sounds like the two of you got used to a certain lifestyle and now it is not there anymore.

I'd advise you both to see a financial advisor together so she can see just how much of an issue this is.

Hopefully you can downsize NOW.

If you all go back and read what has been said about me you wll know just how badly this has affected me. Im sure her fiends have said similarily hateful things about me because they just dont know the truth. How can i talk to her whe she hates me? I feel so isolated about the whole thing, even just explaining this to cyberspace helps, i wish the people who wrote those wicked commets about me could see what effect they have had on me and our relationship.

Maybe show her this thread and suggest seeing a counselor and a financial advisor?

As you are truly in some serious debt (Is that serious? It would seem so to me but then we are low-wage earners so our £9500 of debt seems enormous to us) it would probably be highly advisable to get some professional help on you can stem the flow of outgoings before things get very problematic.

And some marital counselling about both your attitudes to money and how you can work through it.

We've never had much money ourselves, or much of a fancy lifestyle, so for us it's always been one big pot and everything goes in there.

It's very easy to say hurtful stuff on here and even easier for a bunch of strangers to pick up on it and run with the idea. Doesn't mean any of it is true. So don't think you can't talk. After all, you didn't marry on our recommendation, did you?
You both need to be more kind to each other and talk to each other (and listen).
A glass of wine (juice for her), a spreadsheet and some soft romantic music.
Dh and I each dropped our lunches, coffees etc to stick with the cleaning and ironing lady but we only know that we need to make choices if we sit down and talk finance.

If that doesn't work, then counselling, I guess.
Good luck both of you...

It's really horrid to see the assets of a married life itemised like that, as well as stegner's assertion that OP threatened to cut her contribution to the joint account on a tit-for-tat basis.

I am guessing that OP kept her redundancy payout on the basis that she needs to feel that she's making a regular contribution but it does seem very mean if times are hard.

TBH you each sound as bad as the other.

I think you both need some serious marital counselling.

Stop whining, you twat! You're an adult and if you've just got a shock from reading this thread it may be the wakeup call you needed.
Go and try and communicate with your wife, take the good sound practical advice you've been given (re spreadsheets etc) and put that to good use, but stop trying to make this ALL HER FAULT WAAAAH!

It does sound like you need to get some counselling - not easy with no3 arriving imminently, but don't stick your heads in the sand forever.

In the meantime, can you sell off some assets, pool your resources and manage your finances as a team? Dividing up your money into "his" and "hers" smacks of a couple who have real trust issues - perhaps by being frank and open financially, agreeing areas where you can both downsize, and setting a family budget, you will pave the way to improve your relationship in the future.

Other posters have said it: there is more to life than money. Don't let it ruin your marriage - you have (nearly) 3 beautiful kids, and your happiness and theirs depends on you working this out.

What Solid said.

Grow up.
Your wife is about to have a baby and dosnt need you whining like one.

You obv have a masive problem with shairing your money because you itemised how much you spent on your wedding and mentioned that you got her ring from tiffenys ffs.

And I thought my Dh could be a twat.....

steg, poor you and poor her. She's about to give birth so you need to make allowances but the thread if anyone external analysed it would conclude things aren't rosy on either side. It doesn't read like two people in love working together but it could still be fixed.

My suggestion above was she goes back to work very quickly (I did in weeks and always earned more than my children's father and that was never an issue - we only ever had joint accounts for everything).

It sounds like she's forgotten your contributions in the past and that you paid for the wedding etc. It s apity together you can't sit down and look at money going in and going out and make cut backs needed. I was assuming you weren't married when I advised that the parents making a contribution to the new house needed legally to protect their interests. They still might want to do so - make it a loan in writing, not a gift etc. but that's for the family to think about.

I got £800 cars for our student children. They run fine. People usually don't need flash cars.

If you owe £220k on the business and that goes under then your half of the new house will be jeopardy so that needs to be protected if possible. May be she should buy it jointly with her parents - it certainlyi sounds like you both need (a) some counselling if you're that kind of people and (b) some legal advice.

People write a lot of things they don't always mean on line so I wouldn't worry abotu it too much.