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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to "interfere"

79 replies

Fibilou · 29/05/2010 19:31

DH has been trying to settle DD (4 months) to sleep for the last half hour. She is shrieking at the top of her lungs and is not settling. I know she will settle with me but this always leads to a massive row as DH accuses me of taking over. The way I see it is that the goal is to get DD to sleep in a pleasant manner, not a point scoring exercise and a battle as to who can settle her best.

She is very overtired and his method of trying to settle her does not work (patting her in the cot) but he will not listen to what I tell him to do (take her our and sit her upright against him) he just wants to do it his way.

She sounds as if she is being murdered, no, we will have to have the row cos I can't leave it any longer.

OP posts:

SacharissaCripslock · 29/05/2010 19:32

Hmm, I can see his point but no, I wouldn't be able to leave her either. So er, to recap, I was no use at all.

victoriascrumptious · 29/05/2010 19:36

No you're not BU but you are making a rod for your own back. Many women here would give their eye teeth to have a man who wants to be involved. Even those dads who are very involved find it hard to bond with little babies. Let your dh help, it wont harm your dd IMO.

Also the sitting her up thing is a bit daft really-at four months you need to be teaching her to put herself to sleep without using you as a prop. Sounds like your dh is trying to teach her this.

diddl · 29/05/2010 19:36

But if you always take over, she will never get used to her Dad´s way of doing things either.

That said, if your way works, why won´t he try it?

lovechoc · 29/05/2010 19:37

you may want to talk to each other about ways that work best (well before bedtime) and perhaps ask him if he'd consider a method that you find works the best. Ordering him to do it your way will only lead to arguments (I know- I've been there!). Men don't like to feel like they're being told what to do. It doesn't go down well.

It will be ideal if your DH could learn to settle your DD on his own incase you need to be out the house for any reason - that way both of you can take a turn and not worry about who can settle her the most.

larks35 · 29/05/2010 19:38

prob too late but I think yab(a bit)u. Your DH needs to feel that he can be dad, without you telling him how it should be. Let him do it and then subtley suggest that he try your method next time, just once to see if it works better. If you keep interfering you'll end up doing all the bedtimes, cos he will (quite rightly tbh) just give up. I know it's hard to here your DD crying but she's got her dad there and they both need to develop a way of giving and deriving comfort from each other.

(FWIW - I always interfered with my DP when DS was this age and it really (I realise rightly) pissed him off and I was left to do all bedtimes, night wakings etc for quite a while)

lovechoc · 29/05/2010 19:40

I also had to accept early on that DH has his own unique way of settling DS (even in the early days) and I just had to leave him to it. His way is not any better than mine - it's just different that's all.

Sassybeast · 29/05/2010 19:45

YANBU. DH was clumsy and heavy handed with ours when they were small babies. He's a fantastic daddy but there 'are' some things that I 'can' do better just as there are some things that he can do better. I couldn't ever listen to any of mine screaming when I knew how I could comfort them and it's madness to ignore a tried and tested method of settling a bay IMO.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 29/05/2010 19:46

Forget arguments and point scoring. Your baby is screaming, go to her, stop letting him letting her scream to make a point.

Sassybeast · 29/05/2010 19:49

Meant to add - trying to get your point across whilst baby is screaming is always a recipe for a row. Get her settled now, then sit him down and explain how helpless you feel and how you can stop getting into a pattern of competition over who can get her settled best!

oldandgreynow · 29/05/2010 19:50

YABU you are would be undermining him.He'll ask if he needs help

Fruitysunshine · 29/05/2010 19:52

He needs to bond with her too, by allowing him to find a way that works between them to soothe her to sleep is one way of doing that.

If you were out for the evening he would be going it on his own without your input and after while if she does not settle he will try another way, or even ask for your help.

Let him stick it out.

plantsitter · 29/05/2010 20:06

DP and I used to have this argument all the time. To be honest we never really resolved it but things did get a bit better when I told him that DD's crying actually affected me physically, and he said when I interfered he felt really undermined.

In the end I think I set myself a time limit of when I would go and help (and made myself wait, because sometimes he did settle her), and he was a bit more understanding when he knew I wasn't just telling him he was doing it wrong, but literally couldn't STAND it when DD was crying for so long.

littlemefi · 29/05/2010 20:23

I can see both sides, having been through the same thing with my dd and dh. I know I can settle her more quickly than he can but he gets really upset at being undermined if I try to take over, though it is heartbreaking hearing her crying!
However, my dh was right when he said that he has to learn to settle her when I'm not there, and hard as it is to accept, it is true.
His way might not be your way....but he will learn.....hopefully!!
Good luck!

hettie · 29/05/2010 20:46

yeah but if you go he'll never learn and in 6 months time you'll be complaining that you can't go for a night out 'cause he can't put her to bed. Plus she's his daughter too......

Debs75 · 29/05/2010 20:52

Don't put him off. Dp has never put dc3 to bed and she is almost 2 years old. He says he just can't do it as I breastfeed and won't even try.
He has a shock tho as I will be in hospital having baby no4 in September so he will have to do it then.

GetThePartyStarted · 29/05/2010 20:53

I have to say, I would not be able to stand the crying but then DP is happy to defer to me on the settling etc, because (as he said himself), I am the one who spends every day with DS and I know him best. I do try to suggest other ways to settle him rather than telling him what to do as I can see how that would be annoying.

That said, DP does take responsibility (hate to say babysitting for his own child!) for DS every weekend morning, usually for a bit in the evening and when I go out, and has worked out his own ways of settling him (usually putting him in the buggy and going for a walk if all else fails), which was probably easier as I wasn't there IYSWIM.

I don't see why your DH would be so pigheaded as to ignore your advice at the expense of your DD though TBH, but I see I am in the minority. If I were you, I would have a discussion with him later when you are both calm about how you will handle in the future (maybe like the other posters say, set a time limit or something)

Hope she's asleep now and you are both chilling out will a nice glass of wine

MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 29/05/2010 20:55

YANBU. It is not good for babies brains to be screaming in distress for so long at such a young age. She has stress hormones racing around her body. your DH is a prick if he's going to be put his own ego over the emotional well-being of your baby.

And rod for your own back!? FFS! She's tiny!

GetThePartyStarted · 29/05/2010 20:55

with a nice glass of wine even.

KickArseQueen · 29/05/2010 20:57

I can see your side, I can see his side, but personally I'm on the babies side! Its not about either of you, its about her, she is distressed. You two are supposed to be adults. Please point this out to your OH!

KickArseQueen · 29/05/2010 20:58

wel said MRSWOBBLE!!

ScreaminEagle · 29/05/2010 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

treas · 29/05/2010 21:06

Yes it is annoying that your dh is unable to get your dd to settle and her crying has probably gone straight through you.

However, she hasn't been abandoned, your dh is there keeping an eye on her. Letting dh deal with the situation might encourage dd to settle in another way other than your own, enabling you to have a 2 prong approach rather than just 1 method of settling her.

Also looking at it from your dh's point of view he's thinking you are questioning his parenting abilities. If the boot was on the other foot I'm sure you'd be annoyed.

HumphreyCobbler · 29/05/2010 21:12

I think the OP IS thinking about her baby.

SHe knows what works, why won't her DP try it?

bubbleymummy · 29/05/2010 21:17

I agree with mrswobble. Go to her and settle her because that's what she needs not some lesson on self settling or daddy bonding or whatever some other posters have suggested. She's only 4 months old!

Thediaryofanobody · 29/05/2010 21:21

YANBU why won't he settle her in the manner she likes?
He seems a bit cruel and self serving insisting doing it his way. Sounds like he trying to point score/prove something to you that he can do it his way rather than respect your DD has her own preference.

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