to "interfere"

[Fibilou]

DH has been trying to settle DD (4 months) to sleep for the last half hour. She is shrieking at the top of her lungs and is not settling. I know she will settle with me but this always leads to a massive row as DH accuses me of taking over. The way I see it is that the goal is to get DD to sleep in a pleasant manner, not a point scoring exercise and a battle as to who can settle her best.

She is very overtired and his method of trying to settle her does not work (patting her in the cot) but he will not listen to what I tell him to do (take her our and sit her upright against him) he just wants to do it his way.

She sounds as if she is being murdered, no, we will have to have the row cos I can't leave it any longer.

"However, she hasn't been abandoned, your dh is there keeping an eye on her. Letting dh deal with the situation might encourage dd to settle in another way other than your own, enabling you to have a 2 prong approach rather than just 1 method of settling her"

A 4 month old baby cannot know that her mother hasn't abandoned her. She is clearly in great emotional disstress and that is bad for her.

The OP is, quite rightly, questioning his parenting abilities and should be putting her baby's needs before his ego!

Yep still agree with mrswobble!

Are you sure YOUR method of settling her works for him?? I know that MY methods of settling my two didn't necessarily work for my DH, he had to find his own way. And, yep, that meant a few tears along the way - just as it did for me periodically when I needed to find new methods.

I cannot believe people are assuming he's 'cruel' and 'self serving' and deliberately making his daughter cry to make a point - jesus, where does the OP give you that impression???? Maybe, just maybe, he's a loving father who doesn't feel confident using the method the OP wants him to use??

I can only imagine how sh*t I would feel if every time I struggled to settle one of my two my partner waded in and took over while berating me for not doing it properly.

BTW, Mr KickArse has a message for MrFilibou: you need to act as a team, helping each other and learning from each other. You will need to be a united front one day against the things that your children will do and the things life throws at you. If you try something and it doesn't work, you should be grateful that there is someone to throw a different angle on the situation. Pride shouldn't come into it. Put the baby 1st One day Filibou will not have the right answer and you will, be proud of yourself then and of Filibou now because she can help your dd. You're are being a pratt.

Phew! he got sidetracked and wandered off

Hope you're ok op

I don't have a problem with dh trying to settle the boys but if they were screaming hysterically he would never force the issue. Clearly it isn't working For your dh tonight. There is no point in pushing the issue out if pride or to make a point. Just settle your dd the way she likes to be settled and let your dh try again another day. Fwiw dh had more success settling the boys during the day. At night they just wanted me. Maybe it would be easier for her to try your dh's way at naptime over the weekends or whatever rather than at night when they're v tired and fussy anyway.

Well, she didn't go to sleep until about 9pm in the end. It took me ages to settle her but at least she wasn't screaming.
When I went up DH was just about to come downstairs and leave her in her cot screaming - his logic being that she would calm down when we left the room . He had a fit when I took her out of the cot and shouted "I might as well be at fucking work for all you let me do" and then punched the wall.
Then when I couldn't settle her he came upstairs and said "Oh, can't you get her to sleep either ? Good".

I had told him to give her some Calpol as I think she was suffering with her teething (I had given her some earlier in the day and she had gone straight to sleep from screaming) and when I got up there it turned out that he hadn't. He is being very pigheaded about how he looks after DD - he thinks that because he is her father that she should be fine with him. He doesn't want to understand that some of the time she just wants Mummy. He is very pigheaded always if someone tells him how to do something or suggests what to do and is very intransigent.

He gets very stressed by her crying. On previous crying fits he has suggested moving her to her own room "so we can't hear her screaming".

He will never discuss problems calmly, things always descend into a row so that won't work but this has got to stop, he doesn't put DD first in all this, his ego gets in the way. He is desperate to be involved in DDs care - but on his own terms. He complains I don't let him get involved but usually if I suggest he does something with her he's too busy doing something else.

I don't really know how we are going to resolve this . He is (when not stressed) a good father and husband but the tantrums when she won't do what he wants snd i end up having to intervene are ridiculously childish.

FFS she is 4 month old - I agree with MrsWobble, this is not the time for you DH to be an arse. It is not good to allow such a tiny baby to scream uncontrollably like that. And it is not fair on you

She is only going to be this tiny for such a short while, your DH has the rest of his & her life to do daddy/daughter stuff.

'He gets very stressed by her crying. On previous crying fits he has suggested moving her to her own room "so we can't hear her screaming".'

Your DH is being VVVVVVU.
I suggest you get him to read this article

I honestly think it is an issue more of confidence and communication than anything else.

Dh is a fabulous father . Our children are now 16, 13 and 7. He always wanted to be involved as much as possible but , especially with the first, his confidence was low as he was convinced that I had some secret guide hidden away somewhere

We had the late night arguements where I would get stressed if he wasn't coping well and he would get more defensive as he got less confident every time I intervened.

The only way to talk about it is away from the fray - try and talk about it before it is settling time. Chose a moment when he has done something well and is feeling a bit more upbeat.
I know that sounds patronising but I think the combo of feeling inadequate in an area which is intensly emotional means we all need a little massaging.
I am not great when driving long distances and get very upset and defensive when DH offers to take over early in the drive as it feels - at that moment, like a huge critcism. It is not a great analogy but the best I can do.

I think calling him a selfish arse etc isn't helping tbh. He isn't handling it well. But trying too hard, wanting to be involved above his ability to cope is hardly a hanging offence.
If you were suddenly very ill tomorrow he would have to do it. And we are all being a bit sniffy his trying to bond with his daughter,I can't quite imagine telling a mother who has not managed to bond well - get over it , you can get involved when DD is a bit bigger.

I would find her screaming very hard to bear. But the situation is arising from his basic desire to be involved with his daughter and get some ability in handling and settling her. I can't quite get the enthusiasm to start calling him names

But Pagwatch - what about the wall punching etc? It sounds very aggressive.

OP actually says that when she tries to discuss things with him away from the action it invariably turns into a row. He has said really quite cruel things about leaving the baby to cry where they can't hear her.

I'm afraid I don't see the situation in quite the same light as you. It looks to me that he is trying to control things in the way he thinks they should be done and won't listen to alternatives when his methods obviously aren't working.

I am in the same boat as Fibilou's husband - my DH is much, much better at settling DS than me and I am happy to leave him to it as I'm secure that there are other things I can do for DS that DH can't.

well shockingly there are people who think that children should be left to cry. You and i both think it is terrible but some of them are often much more misguided than aggressive.
And I have once punched a wall in frustration and I am the least aggressive person you could meet.

This mans actions can be painted to create several pictures. Only Fib knows if he is a bumbling yet devoted dad or an aggresive controlling arse.
I suspect her knowledge of that will determine what advice she heeds

"I might as well be at fucking work for all you let me do"

That´s quite sad though-if he really does feel sidelined.

I mean,OP if you´re really not letting him do much, he perhaps feels so stressed/under pressure when allowed, that it´s not likely to work for him.

Maybe you could let him be in charge of something else in the evening? Getting her bathed and ready for bed and then having a bit of play/story/singing time (not sure what he'd feel comfortable with) and then you can put her to bed but he feels like he's contributed. I agree with trying to get him to read that article. It's all new for him too and he prob doesn't have the same instinct and attachment to your dd that you have yet. Maybe a bit of knowledge about why you are doing things will help him to understand rather than him thinking that you are just insulting his methods simply because they aren't yours rather than them having an actual scientific point about stress hormones impeding development etc..

The baby is NOT being'left to cry' her father is with her.She is crying because she's tired and wants her muumy and is expressing these feelings in the only way she can.It is not distress.

the thing is, Diddl, he does do loads. He's had her for several whole days out, he takes her swimming once a week, whenever he is off (which is not often) I make sure that we have a clear diary so he sees her as much as possible. As I said earlier in the thread I have tried him to get him to do playtime before her bath + bed - but he is always too busy playing on the computer to do it. When he is home he always gives her her bedtime bath and I leave him to it. Whatever he does I let him get on with it - he takes her sometimes on his mornings off down the allotment for several hours so I can have some time off (ie do the housework).

So his accusation of never being allowed to do anything with her is rather unfair. But when it comes to bedtime she cries unless I put her to bed. It's been particularly bad recently because she's had a cold and is teething.

I agree with MrsWobble.

There comes a point where if something isn't working (especially with such a young baby) and the child is in obvious distress, then you turn to what you know does work (in this instance, you).

I'm not a believer in a 'rod for your own back', especially with babies as young as yours. Babies aren't there to be forced to accept something just because the adult wants it that way.

Do what your instincts are screaming out to you. Go and settle your baby. There are lots of other ways your DH can be involved and in time he will be able to settle her.

Sorry Pagwatch-are you talking about me when you say "shockingly there are people who think children should be left to cry"?

Unless I have completely understood the OP, her husband was in the room patting the LO-the child wasnt down the back of the garden alone in a pram ffs!. Many children of that age cry when being put to sleep because they are overtired and are at an age when they do not know how to put themselves to sleep. My dd of 4 months cries when she is tired because she doesnt understand what is going on. I have never left the child alone fgs and nor did the OP.

I think we need to do everything possible to ensure that fathers are involved in babycare. It's hard enough for them to bond when a baby is bf and while it is true that only a mother can bf to suggest that a mother has some sort of inate abiltity to put a child to sleep whereas a father does not is sexist divisive nonsense.

she has slept very well today and is in an extremely happy mood - which all bodes well for this evening's bedtime. As long as DH is not held back at work I am going to try and get him to do her bedtime routine with a bottle of expressed milk. Hopefully tonight will go better and he can get a bit more confidence - while I can have a break to wash my hair

No doubt in half an hour I'll get a phone call saying there's been a murder and he'll see me tomorrow (he's a detective sergeant in our local police force)

FFS. The OP's DH was clearly worked up, aggressive and the crying was driving him mad. He was so angry he punched a wall and swore.

Does anyone really think the atmosphere in that baby's room was conducive to a pleasant, calm, settling-baby-to-sleep night time routine???

It's not about point scoring or not being allowed to do things; it's about a grown man trying to impose his will on a baby. She is 4 months old - not 1 year old or 2. Both my DC were still being cuddled/breastfed to sleep long past this age. And people on here still refer to rods on backs.

If the OP's DH wants to help, then let him help by listening to his baby's need and responding to them, not trying to impose sleep routines or 'teaching' self settling on a tiny baby.

work together, but i think you know that. look after the baby side by side, then all the calming influence you have with your baby, your child will learn to associate DH with that calming influence. your DH sounds like he needs to learn how to manage his own stress relief. not management, relief. blow off some steam elsewhere etc.

LOL listening to the baby's need? Do you mean the baby's need to sleep? I think the chap could hear that the baby needed to sleep Tryharder.
Baby's can't 'self-settle'that's why they need to learn to settle .

Tryharder.

Sorry Fibilou, got a bit derailed. This isnt about having a go at you, it's having a go at me and my terrible routine which involves letting my babies cry all day in enforced routines apparently

I've just put my 2month old down and she's snoring. I put her down and shouted "SLEEP DAMN YOU!". After 4hrs she soon settled which goes to prove I am 100% correct in everything I say

Glad to hearyou are having a peaceful day

What?

He is physically preventing me from going to DD to comfort her tonight. He is blocking my path up the stairs and has just pushed me as I tried to get past him. He is determined he wants to try something else, even though my method of settling her works. He said "if you go up there I will take her and you will never see her again"

I don't think we can sustain this marriage any longer, he is more determined to have things his way than to make it work, we have just had a massive row. He is on annual leave this week and I cannot take any more nights like tonight.