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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my 5 year old son to say these things?!

41 replies

Disenchanted3 · 28/05/2010 19:18

He is the eldest and I suppose a bit sheltered as far as interacting with old children, he is the eldest of the whole etended family.

Before he started school he was very stuborn, he argued, and had tantrums, I by no means think he is perfect but he was 'nice and polite'.

Now he is going to schooll and coming home saying the most horrid stuff.

I spoke to his teacher who agreed the things he were saying weren't nice but that alot of the other kids had older siblings who say things and the siblings pick up on this.

I just feel angry that hes going to school and coming home and telling me things that have been said like 'I'll punch your lights out' and things like that.

He also said that 2, yes 2 of his 'friends' said that if he didn't play with them, they would kill themselves!!

We live in a deprived area and theres alot of families that, I feel, don't bother too much with their kids, let them roam, don't dress them properly etc... but we are not like that and I want to teach my son to respect people and be a good boy but I feel like I'm fighting a loosing battle in this area.

Its one of the best schools in the area too! Acatholic school with mostly 2's and several 1 ratings with ofsted.

Idon't know, I feel like I want to keep him at home away from it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Disenchanted3 · 28/05/2010 19:19

I'm not being snobby btw, we are one of the deprived families too we just try to make the effort to be better and do better.

OP posts:
cory · 28/05/2010 19:25

You cannot keep him at home away from life forever: he will hear bad stuff on the bus, or waiting in the shop or wherever.

What you can do is to teach him what you can accept from him. Doesn't matter what everybody else does: this is what you have to do.

I have never heard my 13yo or my 10yo utter a swear word. I cannot imagine that it is because they don't hear any. But they know what is acceptable in the company of adults. I find a firm "that's not nice; I don't want to hear that" is quite enough to keep them on the straight and narrow.

5inthebed · 28/05/2010 19:25

YANBU, and YANB snobby either.

The school DS1+2 go to is a good school, but there are some similar parents/children as you've said. When DS1 started there he came out of school and was telling me he now knows what to say to people that are in his way. Thinking he was learning about manners I said "whats that then" assuming it would be axcuse me please. Nope, I was totally wrong. It was "MOVE you IDIOT", which he'd learnt off another child. Nice.

I suppose you can only do your best with your own children, and explain you don't want them hanging around with x or y. They can decide themselves whether what you've said is what they want to do.

Jamiki · 28/05/2010 19:33

YANBU, my DD7 came home from school and told DS3 that she'd kick him in the nuts!.

I think cory sums it up nicely.

AgentZigzag · 28/05/2010 19:35

I love the way you wrote that 5, very funny

MrsGravy · 28/05/2010 19:35

Blimey I thought your post was going to feature some really strong language. I'm actually quite surprised that this is all he's said! I think the great thing is that he's reporting this back to you rather than just coming out with it himself - he's obviously not easily influenced. It also gives you the perfect opportunity to discuss what's been said and why it isn't a nice thing to say in a calm way.

The threatening to kill themselves is worrying because it seems such a strange thing to say at that age - but they probably have no idea what they are saying. The 'punching your lights out' thing at the age of 5 wouldn't necessarily mean they are thugs either, again I would assume they don't really know what that means or how aggressive it sounds - they're just copying the posturing of older boys.

I also don't think the fact that you're in a deprived area has anything to do with this, I think it's bound to happen when you have 5 year olds in a school with children up to the age of 11!

orangutansmummy · 28/05/2010 19:36

YANBU or snobby, just a nice, polite person! If that is how you want your child to speak to people, then that is what they should do, no matter what everyone else does! You're doing the right thing

muriel76 · 28/05/2010 19:38

I know how you feel. My son is also in reception and although he has always been quite hard work and the toughest of my two, he always had nice manners.

In fact when he left pre school his report said he was the politest (not best behaved but politest) child his key worker had ever known, his manners were really lovely.

Now he knows fuck, shit, arsehole, shut up, idiot, and bloody hell.

He's really rude and also says things like 'if you don't do whatever I will kick you/hit you/not be your friend/smack your face' etc

It really gets me down. I have told him til I am blue in the face that he shouldn't talk like that etc etc I punish I ignore nothing works.

So, no bright ideas from me but solidarity!

Lynli · 28/05/2010 19:44

My DD came home from school and said "Mummy is it more polite to say I have a wedgey or my Knickers are up my arse?" I am considering home schooling.

5inthebed · 28/05/2010 19:49

Lynli

What did you tell her, just out of interest of course

kikisunflower · 28/05/2010 19:51

My son is at pre school and always comes home saying he want to kill us etc all of the above, but then so do all his friends who all go to completely different nurseries and pre schools in the area. They pick it up from each other and the TV. I have to say none of them swear yet. I guess that will happen once he starts school in September, bugger ;)

MathsMadMummy · 28/05/2010 19:52

YANBU! It's not snobby to want to protect your children from this stuff and to want them to be polite. True, they'll hear it all elsewhere but that doesn't mean it's ok for them to say it too!

MrsKitty · 28/05/2010 20:06

YANBU. I have a similar issue with my 3 yr old and am getting to my wits end trying to deal with it

chegirlmonkeybutt · 28/05/2010 20:09

YANBU.

Its not snobby.

It would be snobby if you thought it was only 'deprived' kids who spoke like this. I have heard some shocking stuff coming from the mouths of my better off friends kids. They just use a wider vocabulary

I have a 16 year old and we live in a pretty rough area. I know he probably swears like a docker when he is with his mates. The thing is he knows that he cannot talk like that in my house and infront of me. Before he was old enough to consider swearing he knew he couldnt use slang or street talk at home.

He does insist on using some horrible Americanisms though (I mean stuff off tv not general American words). Infact if he says Yo! one more time when he answers his phone I may do something unforgivable with it!

The point I am trying to make is that its not always a bad thing for our kids to know how to street talk with their mates. It helps them fit in and get on. As long as they know there is a place for that stuff and they dont use it in polite company.

seeker · 28/05/2010 20:15

M ds goes to a very socially diverse school. When I heard him using the "f-word" accurately and in context halfway through reception, I was, against all my principles, shocked and horrified. ~~Even more so when I discovered that he had learnt it from his very nice, middle class friend whose father is an antiquarian book seller!

I think it's important to keep some perspective on things like this. Childern very quicky learn the concept od "appropriateness". Ds is 9 now, and, while I have no idea how he talks in the playground, he is as nicely spoken as I would wish at home. Which is all you can hope for - they need "protective colouration at schoo, they just need to learn when and where. Mind you, his latest word in"wanker" - and he learnt that from Outnumbered!

Relax - it'll sort itself out!

flabbyribs · 28/05/2010 20:20

Sorry to say this but unfortunatly kids say these things when they start school. My son goes to a "nice" school but still comes home saying things 1 thing he keeps saying is BUMHOLE which infuriates me and when he moved to year 3 saying inappropiate things because he heard the years 4 &5 were saying it.
I come from bad estate and chose a better school out of area for him because I want him to better himself more than the kids around here but still comes home with things. (i am not being snobby ) (i hope)
I think its just part of school life.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 28/05/2010 20:20

Well, you're right that the things he's saying are not nice, and I agree that he's probably picked it up from children with older siblings. Or parents who don't care about what they say in front of their DC (although even "nice" children come up with nasty stuff)- it only takes one or two in a class who have a bit of charisma for the others to pick it up.

But at this age they are testing whether your boundaries are still firm. It doesn't mean they will carry on forever. Both my DSs have gone through a rude phase and come out the other side.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 28/05/2010 20:21

x post with che and seeker. I agree

Cretaceous · 28/05/2010 20:22

I know just how you feel. I remember my DS (then 9) explaining over tea that he was really shocked about some of the language used at school. He wouldn't tell me what it was, but eventually said that it began with f and rhymed with duck.

Of course, his little sister, 7, shook her head and said helpfully and unabashed - you mean [xxxx]. I spluttered, and explained how it wasn't appropriate, but of course she already knew that. People are right when they say they learn when to use different types of language, though, as now she doesn't swear - at least in front of me.

They get to hear this language every day, though - and very occasionally even from me when severely stressed .

Morloth · 28/05/2010 20:22

DS goes to a posh private school with lots of "nice" kids.

He still comes out with this stuff, is testing boundaries with us, we let him know when he has crossed a line.

I have morphed into my mother saying "I don't care what so and so is allowed to do/say, you are not allowed to".

scottishmummy · 28/05/2010 20:39

hes just pushing boundaries,asserting self and bitty peer pressure.and tbh adolescents always try wind up adults by doing/saying things they disapprove of

doesn't mean this will shape and determine the adult he will become.just means is his peers and boundary pushing at the mo

BuzzingNoise · 28/05/2010 20:42

YANBU but he is just learning things from other children and repeating them without knowing fully what they mean. My son is 3.5 and does the same. We just explain to him that it's not nice to say that to mummy and daddy and walk away when he says something like that.
(although it was hard not to laugh when he told DH he was going to cut him up!)

moosemama · 28/05/2010 20:54

With my boys I have the standard response "That's playground talk. I do not want to hear it, so either do not say it at all, or kindly keep it in the playground."

Its worked so far with ds1 (8) and ds2 (6) on the odd occasion they've said something I find unacceptable/inappropriate.

It used to really upset me when they were little though, along with the deterioration of their table manners since eating in the school dining hall and sudden inability to remember their pleases and thank yous when previously they had been automatic. It felt a bit like I had lost them and other people's influences were always going to be stronger than mine from then on.

I find I just about get them sorted by the end of the summer holidays, then they start back to school in September and it starts all over again.

mrsruffallo · 28/05/2010 21:00

This really annoys me. My DS never hears swearing at home but since starting recpetion he has come home saying
"punch you in your face"
"Fuck it"
"You fucking bum"

I told him they are naughty words and that he is not to use them.
The other day we were having dinner and he mumbled something that I didn't quite didn't catch. I asked him what he had said and DD piped up with " He said fucking"
She went on to say that she would never use it, she was just clarifying what he had said!

So there you go. lovely dinnertime conversation, all because some people can't bring up their children properly. I am soo fed up

Morloth · 28/05/2010 21:07

Hang on mrsruffallo your DS is saying it and your DD said it, so does that mean that you don't know how to bring your children up?

Presumably they heard it from an older kid, and now they know it so next year when all the sweet little reception babies start they will be the older kid, teaching them the naughty words?

Nothing to do with not bringing them up properly, they are going to test the boundaries with us and they are going to speak however they like to each other out of our hearing.