Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To not let ds go to this party

99 replies

elmofan · 28/05/2010 15:32

Hi , my ds has gone through a very hard time recently , bullied very badly in school (physically) his friend in school has invited all the boys from ds's class to his birthday party tomorrow , ds wants to go but this would mean that he will be outdoors(bouncy castle) along with the bully , we have had to push his school to act on dealing with bully & now have an arrangement where bully gets kept back at home time so ds gets to come down to where i wait for him in car park safely we just dont feel comfortable with ds being any where near x as x is very violent . ds thinks we are being horrible , i have told ds that we will have a fun day out tomorrow instead (cinema,meal out etc) but he is upset , i can not talk to the birthday boys mum either as she is good friends with x's mum . Also after kicking up a HUGE fuss with the school about keeping ds safe whilst in their care i reckon it would look very contradicting of me to let ds attend a party knowing x will be there . AIBU - i feel terrible that ds has to miss out though .

OP posts:

WitchyWooWoo · 28/05/2010 15:34

can you not attend with him? i find the power of a parent being there puts bullies right off.

WitchyWooWoo · 28/05/2010 15:36

edited to say, i would let him go. surely his friends will stick up for him and surely not going would let the bully win.

if he wants to go, support his decision.i think you might be more scared than he is.

addictedisalmosthalfway · 28/05/2010 15:40

is there any way you could go with him? it just seems so sad to exclude your ds from the party when he is the victim (even if it is in his best intrests)

addictedisalmosthalfway · 28/05/2010 15:40

is there any way you could go with him? it just seems so sad to exclude your ds from the party when he is the victim (even if it is in his best intrests)

giveitago · 28/05/2010 15:41

There will be adults present surely to ensure you ds is kept safe. You could be there too?

It might send the bully a bit of message?

If ds doesn't go it will set a pattern of him missing out because of this other boy.

Original poster

elmofan · 28/05/2010 15:45

thanks for replying ,

ds is 11yrs old & does not want me to go along with him , the problem is that x is the "tough guy" in the class & all of the other children do whatever x wants them to so they wont stand up for ds , x has no fear of me anyway he recently threatened ds as ds was standing right beside me & made a "slit throat action" & told me he was going to kill my son .

OP posts:

franke · 28/05/2010 15:47

Elmofan - I remember your thread and what a hard time you've all had. I think this is a really tough call. On the one hand if you let him go, I agree it could look rather contradictory on your part. If you go with him, that's going to risk adding fuel to the bully's fire later (mummy's boy type stuff). But if he doesn't go, then yes, the bully wins, your ds is losing out through no fault of his own and possibly ends up more isolated from his peers. Is there any way you could go with him but lurk discreetly in the background?

Bucharest · 28/05/2010 15:48

bouncy castle at 11?????

I think you need to let your son decide. I can appreciate how hard it is for you, you'd be worrying about him all the time, but not letting him go is also sending a message to the bully that he's frightened to go.

posieparker · 28/05/2010 15:49

Perhaps you could forewarn the parents and let hm go, seems awfully crap that the victim misses out.

And you should probably go to the OPolice about him threatening to kill your son.

franke · 28/05/2010 15:49

Sorry, x posts. If you don't go will there be enough other adults there to keep an eye out?

Original poster

elmofan · 28/05/2010 15:58

franke- exactly thats my dilemma , at 11 most of the parents will just be dropping their dc's off & collecting when party is over ,
Bucharest lol i too think they are a bit old for bouncy castle type parties ,
posie - been to the police twice & they are keeping a record of all the attacks & threats , so have their backing too thankfully .

just feel crap that ds has to miss out . ds went to birthday boys party last year (another bouncy castle lol) & 2 children had bloody noses at home time thanks to x with his fists

OP posts:

foureleven · 28/05/2010 16:04

I think if he wants to be a brave boy, you shouldlet him. But be on stand by close by!

camaleon · 28/05/2010 16:10

No much advice here... It is a very tough call. From outside, without any experience about your situation you are in I would be inclined to let your ds decide...

What about leaving him with a mobile phone and you can stay somewhere close by. You can say you have some shopping or whatever to do around and you may be a bit early to pick him up instead of doing all trip back home... Good luck

Original poster

elmofan · 28/05/2010 16:10

i will have another chat with ds when he calms down & see if we can sort something out , the party is 3 hours long so maybe letting ds go to the last 1.5 hours might minimise the risks
although dh is dead set against ds going after all the trouble with x recently he feels its a golden opportunity for x to get at ds .

OP posts:

ExitPursuedByABear · 28/05/2010 16:11

Oh crikey what an awful dilemma - but if your son wants to go then it is his call - and it is outside school - you cannot let the bully win by keeping your son away from him. But I think I would lurk close by? Does your son have a mobile phone so he could call you if things get difficult?

camaleon · 28/05/2010 16:13

I think it is better to leave early a party than to get there in the very middle of it

ocdgirl · 28/05/2010 16:14

I wouldn't let him go tbh, chances are if he does go this x will just make the whole thing hell for him anyway. your ds will get over not going especially if you make plans to do something special with him

Original poster

elmofan · 28/05/2010 16:22

ds does have a mobile & i could top up his credit so he could ph me but last year ds spent most of the time at birthdays boys house inside playing on birthday boys computer keeping out of the way of x as x went on a rampage thumping the others but since then ds has been beaten up twice from x & x has gotten 2 other children to hold ds down while he kicks ds , all of them are in ds's class.

OP posts:

WitchyWooWoo · 28/05/2010 16:23

sorry about my earlier posts, didnt realise bully was so awful!

maybe you shouldn't let him go to the party, but suggest a little party of his own soon. fire up the bbq, get some boyish films in or rent some video games and let ds have a sleepover, to sort of compensate.

i would be worried that the bully would utterly spoil the day for your ds.

exitpursueds idea is good too.

pigletmania · 28/05/2010 16:25

Oh no Elmofan I read your op than looked at your name and found it was you. Your ds has had a terrible time with this bully and has been physically assaulted. It is a bit , if your ds really wants to go, why dont you go with him and just remain in the background. He is just as entitled to go to the party as this boy you cannot let the bully win which is what is happening if you dont allow him to go.

pippop1 · 28/05/2010 16:26

I also think that it is much better to leave the party early than get there late. Towards the end of the party the children will be bad-tempered and overtired and incidents are more likely.

If he does go you absolutely must talk to the parent of the birthday boy (on the phone in advance rather than at the party) and explain, without criticism that the boys don't get on but how much your son really wants to go to the party. If she is not supportive then don't let him go.

You could ask if the bouncy castle was supervised by a couple of adults. If the adults should be made aware of the situation in advance too.

MadamDeathstare · 28/05/2010 16:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DecorHate · 28/05/2010 16:28

Is there not another boy in the class whose parents would also be happy for him not to attend (maybe another of x's victims?) then you could arrange a nice outing for both boys and your ds might not mind souvh if he was not the only one not going..

Original poster

elmofan · 28/05/2010 16:28

witchywoo , its OK i know i must sound very precious but ds really has had a terrible time & is under the care of my GP ATM because ds has developed a "twitch" due to anxiety all thanks to x
BBQ & sleep over sounds like a great alternative thanks

OP posts:

Cathpot · 28/05/2010 16:29

Where are the parents holding the party when X is beating everyone up? My oldest is only 5 so may be I dont know how it works with 11 year old parties, but wouldnt other parents expect a child behaving like that just to be sent home? Can you speak to the hosts of the party and see if you can get any reasurance? It seems very hard on your DS to be missing out.

Flip

1 2 3 4