To not let ds go to this party

[elmofan]

Hi , my ds has gone through a very hard time recently , bullied very badly in school (physically) his friend in school has invited all the boys from ds's class to his birthday party tomorrow , ds wants to go but this would mean that he will be outdoors(bouncy castle) along with the bully , we have had to push his school to act on dealing with bully & now have an arrangement where bully gets kept back at home time so ds gets to come down to where i wait for him in car park safely we just dont feel comfortable with ds being any where near x as x is very violent . ds thinks we are being horrible , i have told ds that we will have a fun day out tomorrow instead (cinema,meal out etc) but he is upset , i can not talk to the birthday boys mum either as she is good friends with x's mum . Also after kicking up a HUGE fuss with the school about keeping ds safe whilst in their care i reckon it would look very contradicting of me to let ds attend a party knowing x will be there . AIBU - i feel terrible that ds has to miss out though .

yes, I agree pupil referral unit would be ideal

but there aren't enough of them

but it's a start - and radically different from borstal

What a tough dilemma.

I think he has more to lose by going than by not.

I would be very worried about the potential to attack inside something like a bouncy castle (second the, at 11??? comments!)

of course I would - because a spell in borstal would have made the escalation MORE likely, not less

but I will stop pontificating on the OP's thread

interesting topic though!

I´m thinking though if your son wants to go he should.

mainstream school is not right for this boy, he is not the only one there you know, he is terrorising other childeren they have a right to learn without fear. Why is he not seeing a child psychologist or behavioural specialist.

sorry just so for ops son, as i have seen Elmo on another thread about the bullying and her poor boy ended up in hospital and the school seemed to do nothing about it.

Yes PRU are the way to go really. or something equivalent.

piglet I really don't think you can pronounce that just on the basis of this thread

violent/troubled children DO sometimes get turned around in mainstream schools - there are success stories

but I really will stop hijacking

we should start another thread about young offenders though, I think it's very interesting

thanks you are all very kind & supportive , i have had sooooooo much helpful advise from this site over the last few months , x has backed off now it seems , it has been almost 3 weeks since x threatened to slit ds's throat & due to me threatening the school with legal action & getting the police involved the school has a teacher literally following x around most of the day . All the teachers in the school have been made aware & are looking out for ds , but its only since last week that ds has developed a bad twitch , i took him to my GP & have been advised to ignore the twitch for a while as it is down to stress & might go away on its own but if he still has the twitch by Sept then we will get a referral to see a specialist & maybe take ds for counselling .

Well I beg to differ Greensleves, you would not be saying that i expect if your dc was on the reciving end. X is displaying behaviour that would not be tolerated in the adult world. Anyway back to the op, I am glad that the sitution is getting better.

Good luck with it all.

The child that bullied my son came from the sort of family that makes shameless look like good people.
The mother was totally in denial about it all, the dad was too busy banging any woman sad enough to go near him (mum was in denial about that too) when he did leave her for another woman she took him back had a band aid baby to fix the marriage but that did not work as he got someone else knocked up and left again.

In the end I had the boy, his dad and his dads half brother arrested.

That boy has no chance in life, monkey see monkey do, he will end up locked away (dad has record for running over some Indian guys because they were "p**is) or dead in a gutter.

The damage this type of family do to decent people should not be allowed, and people like this make me so angry I could happily see them locked away and the keys chucked.

Hmm, I just can't agree, sorry - I dont believe in writing off children

I was bullied horrendously for years - had my thumb delieberately, slowly and gleefully broken by a boy at school, and it was a boarding school so you can imagine how much fun that was

but you can't say "he has no chance" and just consign him to the scrapheap at 11.

That attitude depresses me, tbh.

thanks piglet

Sorry Greensleves I understand what you are saying but just cannot agree. This boy should not be in mainstream ed, why should the victims pay by seeing him everyday and being threadened and assaulted by him. There should be speical places to educate and reform children like this.

You were bullied yourself Green, i just dont understand, ou are too nice.

LOL, I don't usually get called nice on here

I was bullied, and it was horrific

but being trapped with those same children for years in a residential environment we had no choice but to know everything about one another I suppose

by the time I left at 18 I had worked out that they were just angry, insecure, troubled, damaged kids a long way from home who were acting out the only way they knew how

the one who broke my thumb is married with 2 kids now, I have him as a FB friend (although we aren't in close contact)

I firmly and emphatically reject the idea that ANY 11 year old old beyond help

and I don't think you can be sure from a MN thread that this child can't be helped in the mainstream environment

elmofan.

Don't let DS go. Talk to him rationally, as if he were adult.

X is going to smack someone out and break their noses at this party. 3 hours and a bouncy castle. It's pretty much guaranteed. Tell DS that if X is going to beat the crap out of someone then it is better if it is not him.

He can see the boys any time, you could even do a big do at your house, minus X sometime.

Your DS needs to see that sometimes, it is better to be left out, and not enter into a risky situation. You know no adult can protect these kids from X, so the risk is too high.

Sounds like X will ruin the party.

Even if he sulks for 3 days it's better than a trip to A&E.
By monday the boys will probably be saying how awful X was and who got hurt and your DS will see then it was better that he stayed at home.

I think if the OP´s son knows the risks, at 11 he should decide for himself-and steer clear of the bouncy castle!

Elmo sorry that this bully is still affecting ye're lives. I agree with the others could you talk to your son and offer a compromise? Maybe an end of year party with a bouncy castle if that is what he fears he will miss out on [if financially feasible] or maybe as Piglet [I think] has said take a few of the boys out to the cinema and pizza. Unfortunately maybe you need to layout what all the options and consequences are listen to your son justify his need to go to the party and how he will deal with the results of any issues that arise.
I know you are worried about the part Mum's reaction if you bring up the bullying but if your son goes she needs to be aware to help keep the children safe

Hi buzzybb are you back in my neck of the woods yet

TBH - i dont think it would be fair to put this responsibility on birthday boys mum , she will have her hands full with 30ish children running around & going by the two bloody nosed children at last years event then x will be left to his own devices , i have spoken to ds over dinner & all is calm now , we are taking ds to visit his new puppy in the morning (6wks old so another 2wks before we can take him home) thats a 1.5 hours drive away so on way home we are stopping off for a picnic then going to the cinema , then all out for an evening meal so a full day out hopefully & ds seems thrilled with this .

elmofan...glad you've found a compromise and your DS sounds lke he'll have a great time.

I reckon if it were my DS I would say he could go but only on the condition that I stayed, too.

If I read all of OP's messages right, it's only one child ("X") who causes problems. I'd spend the party appearing to just be hanging around nowhere in particular, but really I'd be constantly monitoring where my son and X were, and only hover when they got within 15 feet of each other.

And yes, be prepared to leave the party at any moment.

Totally agree with miggsie. Talk to him as an adult and an ally, not as an enemy. There must be other parents who don't want their children dismembered by this boy too.

thanks miggsie - dh & i sat down & spoke to ds over dinner we told him our concerns etc & turns out the only reason ds wanted to go to the party is " lava lamps" are been given out as prizes ds says he ALWAYS wanted a lava lamp lol so we are going to buy him a lava lamp for his bedroom .
peace has been restored . kids eh lol