To not let ds go to this party

[elmofan]

Hi , my ds has gone through a very hard time recently , bullied very badly in school (physically) his friend in school has invited all the boys from ds's class to his birthday party tomorrow , ds wants to go but this would mean that he will be outdoors(bouncy castle) along with the bully , we have had to push his school to act on dealing with bully & now have an arrangement where bully gets kept back at home time so ds gets to come down to where i wait for him in car park safely we just dont feel comfortable with ds being any where near x as x is very violent . ds thinks we are being horrible , i have told ds that we will have a fun day out tomorrow instead (cinema,meal out etc) but he is upset , i can not talk to the birthday boys mum either as she is good friends with x's mum . Also after kicking up a HUGE fuss with the school about keeping ds safe whilst in their care i reckon it would look very contradicting of me to let ds attend a party knowing x will be there . AIBU - i feel terrible that ds has to miss out though .

When DS2 was 10 he insisted on asking the class thug to his birthday party in an attempt to get on his good side I suppose. Against our better judgement we agreed. it was only 10 boys and no bouncy castle but we had at least 4 of them in tears and this boy ended up shaping up to DH with a baseball bat. The potential for anarchy is huge at this age even without the history in this case.

As others have said 30 boys and a bouncy castle is a recipe for disaster even without a notorious bully thrown into the mix.

Hope you and your son have a lovely day out.

Squaring up to DH with a baseball bat

Greensleeves I respect you very much as a poster but on this we will have to agree to disagree, some people are just throw aways and no matter what is done for them they will not change.

I bet someone somewhere thought Hitler was just a unhappy little chap who could have turned out differently given love and a hugging circle

Elmo, glad your DS is ok about not going, he sounds a sensible young man.
I hope he enjoys his lava lamp, DS1 had one and thought it was the coolest thing ever.

Thats great Elmo all that over a lava lamp. I agree with Runawaywife, I will agree to disagree on that one Greensleves sorry! I just dont think that a bully like that should be in mainstream ed especially making very serious threats and displying agressive violence in which his victim was hospitalised. There might be hope and a chance to reform but mainstream is not where its at sorry!

I haven't read about poor DS's situation before Elmo and am horrified .

In the circumstances I think he'll have a much better time going to see his puppy, which I think is a great idea. Your DS is the same age as my DD and it is lovely the bond between her and our puppy. They are the right age to be really involved in training and hopefully the puppy will be a new focus away from school and really boost your DS's confidence. Also with the martial arts is it worth getting him to try a different one if he didn't click with karate.

Why don't the school ensure someone is with this other boy at all times to keep him away from your DS and to let your DS gave his freedom back, seems the wrong way round that your DS is the one with someone with him.

Oh thank goodness!

I know I said he should go if he wanted-but I´m glad he now doesn´t want to.

And sorry, but a bouncy castle for 11yr olds?

bit late to this thread but found it very interesting as my dd had a similar problem with a boy when she was 10. It is horrendous and I felt so incapacitated at the time (about a year), but here's what I did eventually.

Firstly I kept telling myself that neither I nor my daughter had done anything wrong, that the bully was the perpetrator - this was hard to do but reducing the significant impact the bully had on our lives drastically reduced its importance.

Then I told the school calmy but firmly that they had to resolve the issue within a week or would try a different route to resolving it (I had no idea what I was going to to) but my tone seemed to work at school.

I also did a very brave thing and confronted the mother (who was a nasty gobby piece of work). She tried to defend her son, but I just kept repeating that her son was a bully and that I would bring criminal charges (I knew I couldn't but she was a bit thick) if it continued. I didn't argue with her or show any weakness, I just kept repeating that her son was a bully.

Then I told every mother I could about the bullying - I lost some friends but hey ho they obviously weren't worth it anyway.

Its funny cos a couple of years later the boy was suspended for bullying someone else and I did smile to myself!

I think what I'm trying to say is that I was in the right and he was is the wrong. Holding that in my head and being clear about it justified my subsequent actions.

Good luck and have a nice weekend

thanks all
WykenB yes the puppy was our way of having ds to have something to look forward to & distract from all the trouble with x , hopefully (Oscar= pup pics on profile) will help ds relax & unwind when he gets home from school , my gp thinks its a great idea & seems very hopeful that this twitch will disappear if ds can relax more .
Piglet lol i know a bloomin lava lamp
runawaywife - kids are easily pleased lol if only all our dilemma's could be solved by a lava lamp .

elmofan, you are doing exactly the right thing.

diddl - can you imagine the state of the bouncy castle after 30-ish 11yr olds

Indeed!

That said-it might be pristine due to lack of use!

Oh Oscar is absolutely, completely gorgeous ! I've not been paying attention properly to the Pet section this week as been packing for our holiday (our pup staying with our trainer, house weirdly quiet as shd went at lunchtime) so I'd missed your thread. I look forward to lots of Oscar updates when he arrives. Maybe your DS could do an Oscar blog for us to have a good nose !

RW people are not "throw aways", they are people

and children are especially not "throw aways"

and who is to say Hitler wouldn't have turned out differently with different early experiences? It seems obvious to me that anyone would.

I disagree

Elmo I'm so sorry for you, DH and DS for this situation.

I'm sorry I can't offer advice as my DS is only 5 so haven't come across this sort of behaviour (yet).

I agree with others tho that you need to talk to host or arrange some other activity.

Best of luck.

This is absolutely horrible I really feel for you but I really agree with Miggsie too. Your son wants to go and is railing at the injustice of being the one that has to miss out. His rational brain knows that X plus bouncy castle plus excitement and audience means that someone is going to get hurt. You can't let him go but you need to let him know that you understand how much it sucks and that you REALLY respect his bravery in wanting to attend. You have an admirable young man and he is lucky to have a mum like you who is trying so hard to consider every angle.

I am glad that its being sorted Elmo, invite a few of his freinds round or pizza and a dvd or something.

wynkenB - thats a good idea , ds would love to do that he is a whizz kid on the PC - he teaches me & his teacher how to do things on PCs . he uploaded Oscars photo for me yesterday on my profile lol
have a fab time on your hols
thanks mumbar

Sorry posted without seeing the last page appear.

Glad it's all sorted. My DS has been asking about a lava lamp, he's only 5.9 do you think they are suitable for that age??

He's still a bit of a bouncer whereas your DS sounds nice and sensible!!!

Aw elmofan you and your family sound lovely.
My heart jumped when I read lava lamp.
The love.
Glad you can fix that so neatly.

A puppy was THE best think I did after divorcing for my dcs emotional health.
I second that decision too.
Good Luck

Hi Elmo, I remember you & the problems your Son was having, especially as at the time my DD was also having awful problems with a boy at her School, so I can really sympathise its a very tough call & yes, unfair your DS misses out because of the bully, but I can see how it would make him feel awkward going with Mum too at 11.

the only possible saving face solution I can think of, is if theres any way you can volunteer yourself to help the birthday boys Mum out with the party??, that way you're there, but not as his chaperone.

Also is there any chance your DS might stand up to the boy away from School??, in which case, letting him go might actually be the turning point for your DS?.......

I found with my DD she really hated the idea of been forced by the ferral boy into breaking the school rules by fighting him back...........I found the turning point for DD quite by accident, we watched Mall Cop, & it had a big effect on her, bad as it sounds, I'm pleased to say, she hurt him back quite badly the very next day..........didn't stop him ruining the whole classes education though, but thankfully with a big push, he finally did get expelled

if theres any chance your DS might stand up to him away from School, I would let him go, but be close by, the fact he actually wants to go suggests perhaps he's not as afraid as you are??

I feel for you, I know from experience how you must be feeling, but it really might be a positive thing to let him go l[hug]]

Whoops, that'll teach me to check how many pages of replies a thread has, & read to the end

Really glad there was such a simple solution for you, bless him with the lava lamp

have a wonderful day out, you deserve it

Will do piglet thanks , maybe the last day in school ill let ds invite a few school pals over & order in a pizza & let them chill
thanks to all x

rockinhippy - good on your DD